SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (
-   -   OT - scared silly (

wanttobehealthy 10-14-2011 12:13 PM

OT - scared silly
I have 2 job offers. One is a stable, regular paycheck, longer commute, decent hours, totally uninspiring work. The other is grant funded and on a contracted consultant basis with a lot of potential to become full time (but it isn't presently), it's closer to home, good hours and interesting work.

Until today I'd been leaning toward the first. I think now I've decided to go with the 2nd one bc the thought of the other has me dreading it before even starting (not a good sign I don't think).

It means less money initially, less predictable pay check but I am gambling that bc it will put me in schools on a regular basis, I'll make connections that could help with a full time job down the road. And if not, it's a gamble my gut is telling me to take and I can't explain it but my gut isn't usually wrong so I'm going with it. Stupid?

I just spoke to the woman who is the manager of my region for the company I'll do consulting for and she said that she and her supervisor think it would be ideal to have one full time person in charge of just the school district where I'll be working and that they're in discussions with the company to have have that be me (this would make it full time). No guarantee but it certainly sounds promising.

Now the rest... I am TERRIFIED. I am terrified that I have fooled them into thinking I'm this great competent teacher and that when it comes time to model, present, lead the teachers in the schools I'll be working in, that I'll crash and burn. I am overwhelmed with a lack of confidence and feel petrified about what I've gotten myself into.

I think that part of why I want to take this job over the other is because of this fear. I need to stop hiding behind what feels safest. I don't take risks, I doubt myself and probably let others doubt me bc of the vibe I give off that I believe I am not good enough. So, I've taken this job, I will be leading staff at each of these three schools, heading up professional development trainings, developing materials etc... I feel very scared that there's a lot I don't know and might not be capable of and feel like the people who have put all their faith in me from this company might just be delusional about who they think I am.

I am sure that this sounds insane but I feel like I can say anything at all here so I am sharing my deepest fears with you all.

Am I just setting myself up to be stressed out or am I forcing myself to do something that I need to? I'm not sure I feel confident about which it is... And I am worried that I might be making the wrong decision (I didn't let the job #1 know that I won't be working there-- have to do that by Monday at the latest).

I have no reason not to believe in myself (other than living with an abusive mother then marrying an abusive alcoholc- both of whom helped keep my self esteem in the ground for the past 40 yrs) but I don't. I'm trying to force myself to do things I am afraid of and could use some moral support I guess bc I am absolutely terrified about the decision I think I'm making!

suki44883 10-14-2011 12:18 PM

I am terrified that I have fooled them into thinking I'm this great competent teacher and that when it comes time to model, present, lead the teachers in the schools I'll be working in, that I'll crash and burn. I am overwhelmed with a lack of confidence and feel petrified about what I've gotten myself into.

Stop that!! You ARE a competent teacher and if they didn't think you were the right one for the job, they wouldn't be offering it to you. You're gonna do great! Congratulations! :scoregood

MyBetterWorld 10-14-2011 12:19 PM

I am constantly second guessing myself. I think a lot of that comes from the crazy life I had with my XAH. He always had a way of making me actually believe that I was in the wrong, and even crazy. I think that has been engrained in me now, and I am trying to overcome it. It sounds to me like you know that you ARE INDEED the rockstar that you are, but that there is some underlying insecurity there.

I think you are brave and I envy that. I have also considered doing a job that is more...interesting. I dread my job, not daily but at least weekly. I just don't have the guts to do it. I have a steady paycheck from a job that I know is mine as long as I want it. Maybe if I didn't have 2 kids to support (on my own, no child support to date) maybe then I could do it, but the idea that I could actually lose income, even for 1 week, scares me enough to just stay put.

I hope whatever you decide makes you happy and financially sound. :)

marie1960 10-14-2011 12:38 PM

Embrace the challenge. If this is something you love to do, you will excell......... Congrats on a new career..........

fedup3 10-14-2011 12:45 PM

Hey, stop that talk. They should be honored to get you we're all giving you a thumbs up!:scoregood

chronsweet 10-14-2011 01:02 PM

Where there is a will, there is a way. Old saying, but oh so true. Just go in there and even if you are scared, conquer it. You are not expected to know anything of a particular nature in a new job. Example, I am a bookkeeper/office manager .. BUT every company has their own way of doing things and they will let you know.

You are going to do great. What an opportunity to be able to have a CAREER, not just a job, but a career! Awesome and good luck!

P.S., plus with the cost of gas and the fact that it can and may go MUCH higher, I'd take the job closer to home. Plus, you will have more time to spend with your kids! It's not always about 'financial' rewards, but personal ones too!

m1k3 10-14-2011 01:11 PM

Courage is not not being afraid, courage is doing what you need to do in spite of those fears.

You are one brave lady. Follow your heart. How can you fail, you have us backing you up. :)

:scoregood: :grouphug:

Your friend,

Animal454 10-14-2011 01:19 PM

There is stress with any new job. Don't let that get to you or affect your decisions. The stress fades away once you get settled in.
This sounds like one of those opportunities that you will always have the "What If's" if you do not give it a shot.
You got this...Just do it..:)

StarCat 10-14-2011 01:22 PM

Do what feels right to you! I think you're making the right decision.
You are an amazing, competent person, and the people doing the interviews have already picked up on that. You don't need to prove it to them - they believe you!
You just need to prove it to yourself. <3

I've learned that people doing hiring are good at picking up subtle cues about the person they're really interviewing, as well, as long as they've had experience hiring people in the past. Its sort of like how people like us, once we start actively working recovery, can spot an alcoholic from a mile away.
They're catching cues from you that make them believe that you'll be a good fit for what they want you to do. They know what they're looking for, and they've decided that YOU are IT. :)

I was so nervous applying for my current job. It was posted at a higher level than my experience, so I wasn't even technically qualified for it, but I really wanted to do it, and I had enough experience in some areas that I figured I might as well take a shot, the worst that can happen is I don't get an interview.
They weren't allowed to hire me for that position, since I didn't meet the requirements for the level of the job, but I was their favorite applicant and excelled at the interview, beating out the other people who did meet the requirements. End result? They canceled the position and started one a stage lower, where I did meet the requirements. I had to go through the interview again, but having survived it the first time, the second time was easy.
I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to do this job, but I am doing very well. My manager calls me periodically to say things like, "We need someone to work on such-and-such a project, it's important and high-visibility and you'd be great at it, but I've got you working on too many things just like it and I need you and don't want you to quit so I offered it to so-and-so. But I wanted to let you know, in case I was wrong and you're interested, if you want this project, it's yours."

And you know what? That feels really good.

Test your limits. It's good to take a leap into the unknown every once in awhile, when it feels right. It's the only way to discover that you really can fly.

You'll be awesome! I'm so excited for you! :ghug3

tjp613 10-14-2011 01:37 PM

Now the rest... I am TERRIFIED. I am terrified that I have fooled them into thinking I'm this great competent teacher and that when it comes time to model, present, lead the teachers in the schools I'll be working in, that I'll crash and burn. I am overwhelmed with a lack of confidence and feel petrified about what I've gotten myself into.

... I feel very scared that there's a lot I don't know and might not be capable of and feel like the people who have put all their faith in me from this company might just be delusional about who they think I am.
OR it is quite possible that this will be YOUR time to shine! It is quite possible that you will rock this job and blow everyone's mind! It is quite possible that this is just the distraction and boost you need to bust through all the other situations that have been holding you back!

I think you're gonna be AWESOME and can't wait to watch you blossom! Hey, that rhymes! :D

Tuffgirl 10-14-2011 02:40 PM

Go with your gut - that's your intuition talking to you. Ignore the voices in your head. That's your ego talking, as bruised as it may be from the beating its taken over the years.

As you think, so you are. So start thinking you are competent and qualified; your actions will follow.

Way to go, girl! ; )

SoaringSpirits 10-14-2011 02:51 PM

You've survived living with an alcoholic spouse.
Compared to the horror of that, either of these jobs will be a piece of cake!
Give yourself some credit, work hard, and fake it until you make it. You'll do great.

painterman 10-14-2011 02:57 PM

Well done you for being offered two jobs! Nice to be in a position to choose, I reckon you know in your heart you can handle the second one, it's quite natural to be fearful of a new situation. Wishing you all the best.

RollTide 10-14-2011 03:42 PM

from following your posts and your progress I say follow your gut. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!!!

SoloMio 10-14-2011 04:09 PM

I do that to myself all the time, but then I try to take my own advice: the advice I raised my kids on: Don't ever NOT do something just because you're afraid. More often than not, you find your fears are unfounded. If you find that it was the wrong decision, 99% of those decisions are totally reversible.

So ask yourself, What's the worst that can happen? And then do what you feel is going to make you happy.

You are not "fooling" people into thinking you're competent. You ARE competent.

One of the best things my favorite boss and mentor said to me once was "You know more than you think you know." There are many times I had to say that over and over in my head just to convince myself of it.

Go for it!!!

wanttobehealthy 10-14-2011 04:20 PM

Thanks all... can I ask one more question? Maybe not so much a question as a statement.

I really want to take the risk and go with job #2. It's the first job I've thought about having since I got married and left a job I loved (bc we moved) that I feel excited about.

But, I'm having a lot of guilt about the financial part. Do I really have a right to be so selfish? It MIGHT become a full time job, or it might not. And the things I can provide the girls with the stable-higher paying-I could stay there and have a job until I'm dead job are greater. Things like staying in our house, not having stress about paying bills etc...

So, with 2 young kids, bills, real life stuff, do I really have a right at this time to be following what I want? I feel like maybe I am supposed to sacrifice what I want to provide more stability for the girls.... and on the other hand, I wonder if maybe I'm supposed to take this job and trust my gut and my HP and all that...

I'm scared about the uncertainty and am not sure now is the best time to do the "what I want" option...

If it were you and the financial piece were a huge factor, would you take the gamble? (I still think I am going to... I just need perspective I guess about whether I am being unreasonably selfish?)

SoloMio 10-14-2011 04:33 PM

I truly believe that if you are loving the job and you do a "fake it til you make it" with a positive, can-do attitude that tells everyone around you that you were made for that job--you will have such great success that you'll wonder why you were worried.

suki44883 10-14-2011 04:46 PM

To be completely honest, I would probably take the sure thing if my circumstances were the same as yours. I really don't mean to rain on your parade, and I wouldn't blame you a bit for taking the second job where you think you'll be happier. My only thoughts about it are you really need money so you don't have to rely on your alcoholic husband, you need to hire a very good attorney to fight for what you know is the right thing where your girls are concerned, you would be able to afford a place of your own until you either sell the house or let him buy you out, financial peace of mind. I know that's dull, but I have to be honest and say what I would do, not what you should do, since you asked. Whichever you choose, I know you'll do fine and you'll figure out a way to get out of this mess with your husband and give your girls the life they and you deserve.

You wouldn't have to stay at that job forever. Once your financial situation was better, you could put out feelers for a job you might enjoy more. I guess I've just never been much of a risk-taker.

wanttobehealthy 10-14-2011 05:37 PM

Suki- I appreciate it... I am not a risk taker either and right now I am not sure whether I have a right to have this be the risk taking time... Just not sure... I'll have to think it through some more this weekend... Thanks for your honesty and sharing your thoughts/feelings. I appreciate it.

Same to all!

suki44883 10-14-2011 05:43 PM

I'm glad my post didn't offend you. I was a single mom, too. I know how hard it is even though I wasn't divorcing an alcoholic, I was divorcing an azzhole control freak who wanted to hurt me more than he cared about his daughter. Anyway, I know how much you want to be free from your husband and I felt the same way. I'd have done anything, even if it meant taking a job I would just tolerate if it meant the money I needed. I took a lot of those jobs, but now, I'm working in a job I love, doing what I love to do.

Take the weekend to think about it. Maybe something will come about with the job you really want that will be encouraging about it becoming full time. That would be the ideal, wouldn't it?

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:42 AM.