Dating a Recovering Alcoholic: Seeking Advice
 

Hello, and I apologize if this is in the wrong place, or if I even have business posting here at all, but I'm seeking advice and wondering what to expect from being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.

The situation is this: We're both university students. I met this guy on the first day of class, and after a few weeks of studying together and hanging out, he starts to tell me about his past, which includes alcoholism and treatment, several run-ins with law enforcement, and lost his license to DUI while he was a teenager. Currently, he's two years sober, attends a few AA meetings a week, and takes his sobriety very seriously.

A couple nights ago, he told me he wanted to be more than friends, and would like for me to attend a meeting with him some time this week.

What can I expect in a relationship like this? I'm worried about coming between him and his recovery, because he's made so much progress already. I'm also worried that maybe I'll become a co-dependent or enabler, and I want to learn how to avoid that.

I did some research on the topic before joining this forum and none of it seemed particularly helpful, and that's why I'm asking. Again, I apologize if I'm in the wrong place.

:welcome

You're not in the wrong place, at all.

Educating yourself is a great thing, one great place to start is the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of topics here in this forum.

Another extremely good resource for you would be local, free, Alanon meetings - they are the sister organization to AA and are for folks who are around the alcoholics, rather than AA, which is for the alcoholics themselves. (While the Alanon website says it's an organization for friends and family of "problem drinkers" - think of your friend as a "problem drinker" in remission, which is what he is if he's an alcoholic in recovery.)

I'll keep this short so others can chime in and welcome you.

CLMI

All relationships are risky. Relationships with alcoholics in recovery carry additional risk. Before you strap this on, keep doing what you are doing. Ask questions, research the issues, and keep your eyes open at all times. With a recovering or drinking alcoholic what you see is the only thing that matters-- what they say is irrelevant at all times.

It wouldn't be the worst thing, IMHO, to attend an AA meeting with him, but I STRONGLY ADVISE that if you do, you also find an open AA meeting to attend without him and, more importantly than anything, that you attend a few Alanon meetings to learn exactly what "could" happen should you continue the relationship. It is absolutely not what necessarily "will" happen, it is simply a look at the big picture.

The fact is that alcoholics come with all the normal human ******** we all carry, plus an added dose of alcoholic/addictive ********. BONUS!!!

I say all of this as a man in the 13th year of a relationship with an alcoholic woman-- we share a child together. I wouldn't do it again.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

I agree with both posts.

I have found knowledge both at Open AA meetings and Al-anon. Al-anon meetings are "home" for me, but to learn about the disease of alcoholism I attend the Open AA meetings w/out any of my loved ones who struggle.

I did a lot of reading when I realized alcoholism was in my life.

Welcome.

If someone two years sober felt compelled to tell me their drinking story in gory detail after only a few weeks, and wanted me to attend meetings with them to boot, they would be highly suspect in my book. Just my $0.02 as a PhD (phormer drunk).

What to expect? More of that which you are already experiencing, most likely.

Cyronoak,

I respectfully disagree that what (esp)recovering alcoholics have to say (recovering applies to me, in AA terms anyway) is irrelevant at all times. I find such a sweeping generalization offensive. Just saying.

Though perhaps a bit over the top, I kind of liked Cyranoak's candor. His post, and the multiple thanks, reminded me of the wisdom in never calling myself an alcoholic. It certainly reminded me of the wisdom of never burdening anyone new in my life with "my story" of past alcoholic misadventures.

Thanks for the replies. I hadn't expected so many.

Suspect how? Should he not have told me? He did wait until we started hanging out pretty frequently to tell me, it wasn't something he just blurted out the first time we met. I'm glad I know. The idea of me attending meetings with him is a very recent development.

I'm sorry, probably none of that is relevant.

Is this a fair thing to say? I realize that maybe all's fair in this sort of thing, but it seems kind of mean to say that nothing he says is important.

Thanks again.

I know that in any r/s going fwd, whether it's with an A or not (clearly it won't be with an A) I will base what I believe from the person on their actions and not their words.

It's nice to believe we can believe what people say but basing our opinions on actions above all is really the sane way to go. And this applies to anyone, not just with alcoholics.

I behave in a way that matches my words and if someone were to tell me that they liked what I said but would watch my actions first and foremost I'd be okay with it bc they match.

Think about the professional world of work. People aren't hired, evaluated and promoted or fired based on their words. Actions are what count.

Why shouldn't it be that way in personal r/s too is my thinking...

It took me 40 long hard years to learn this lesson. Judge ANYONE by actions, words are easy, follow through is a whole other ball game.

I just spent two and a half long painful years waiting on my A's words and actions to line up. And I can't blame that on the alcohol, it COULD be because of the alcohol, until he has some successful sober time there's no way to know if it's just his character.

I may be just a little bit biased here, but I tend to think that if someone still feels it necessary to burden others with their past drinking history even after two years of not drinking, they probably have not moved on and left that life behind them.

That said, I realize that it is not unusual for people in recovery to do this sort of thing, and in his mind, he probably though he was being honest, which he most likely believes is necessary for his sobriety. Personally, I consider it unnecessary, and potentially unwise, to drag others into it, but that's just me.

You have to remember that this is mostly an Al-Anon forum, and that some of the "black belts" here have had less-than-stellar experiences with alcoholics. You might want to keep that in mind.

cjacobs,

One more thing...

The rooms of AA are not always the most stable cross-section of society, and some people who attend meetings have no interest whatsoever in getting sober. Meetings are anonymous, in the sense that people don't use last names, but that does not mean that they are confidential; no public group setting is. Do not reveal any personal information, and avoid anyone who has a "court slip" that needs signing. You never know what they were in for; it might be a simple DUI, but it might not be.

If at all possible, I recommend that you not attend meetings alone.

Let me be more specific...
 

... I don't mean that if he says he likes apples he is lying. What I'm saying is that alcoholics, and many alcoholics in recovery, say things or make promises they absolutely believe at the time say them or make them. But, unless their actions match their words the words don't mean anything.

That's true of non-alcoholics too, for that matter, but my years of personal experience have taught me to trust alcoholics less, as well as people early in recovery. Over time and sustained because anybody can do anything for a short time, what you see is what you get, always. What you hear is what you get, often, sometimes or not at all. Relying on what you see and what is really happening is really the way to go in my book.

That said, extra caution is in order as is looking inward to really understand why it is you are attracted to this particular man.

As always, take care, take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

I agree wholeheartedly with everything you posted TERMINALLY UNIQUE.

I spent two and half years in AA, started AA 3 weeks after my last drink and have been sober for 6 years. Maybe I was a lucky one, I don't even know what that means. All I know is when I got fed up with drinking my days away and driving my life into ditch, I knew the gig was up. I can say with certainty that I will never drink again.

For those that knew me while I was drinking, there's nothing to talk about. For those I 'meet' it never comes up. "You're not going to have a drink? they may ask. I simply tell them that I am not much of a drinker. Period. And that is how they know me. I would NEVER discuss my past alcoholism with anyone that was not an intimate friend. It is no ones business. I hesitate when I post here as "being in recovery". These are my thoughts. I am not an alcoholic now. I don't drink anymore. I did drink alcoholically for many years however and I am no longer recovering.

I have found that many, not all, love to wear their "alcoholism" as a badge of honour, allowing themselves to remain firmly planted in the past and "drag" everyone in their path into 'their story'.

Sorry AVRT, I keep referring to you as Terminally Unique.

Many alcoholics inevitably seem to have everyone dancing around them, their drama, their situation, and their world past present and future.

Only you know if you want to take the blue pill and go down the worm hole to see where it goes.

My only advice, if he ever drinks, RUN. And don't get married unless you're really really really sure.

What can I expect in a relationship like this? I'm worried about coming between him and his recovery, because he's made so much progress already. I'm also worried that maybe I'll become a co-dependent or enabler, and I want to learn how to avoid that.


I posted this before. My advice, run... and run fast. If you are no committed...leave now. Alcoholism is a long live disease and it will drag you down. I am 46 year old woman, married to an active alcoholic for the last 23...in recovery when dating, relapsed after 5, relapsed after 2 again and active since then. You will live on pins and needles...his dependence, low-tolerance, guilty feelings, anxiety/fear, low self-esteem, impulsiveness, frustration, irritability and much more...it's too much to risk. His recovery is # 1, his AA meetings # 1, his bottle # 1, his feelings # 1 and you...??? I became a codependent establishing my unhealthy coping/destructive behavior.

Cjacobs, I asked this very same question on this forum a little over a year ago and wish I had listened to the multiple replies to RUN, RUN, RUN and RUN FAST! It would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain that I am still trying to heal from today.

I, too, began a relationship with a "recovering alcoholic" and didn't know what to expect. However, I chose to ignore the many red flags that were blaring at me in the beginning of the relationship. He told me very early on he was a "RA", told me he "loved me" within the first few weeks, told me how "crazy and psycho his ex-wives were, and told lie after lie after lie. And that was just the beginning. So much more happened that is just to lengthy to share in one post.

The end result was that I finally gained the courage to step off the crazy emotional roller coaster ride with this person and am finally beginning to see and feel the signs of healing in me. That relationship with a RA was TOXIC to me and left me feeling like I was truly a crazy person. The relationship itself was crazy making to say the least. Yet I still mourn for the loss of this man in my life, but I knew I had to let him go to save myself from an extended stay in the crazy house. I had to go NO CONTACT so I could heal. I couldn't do it any other way, because, you see, I became ADDICTED to HIM! How crazy is that!

Anyway, I hope you really consider all the wise advice you are receiving from these great people at SR who have been in your shoes and have lived with A's and RA's. They were all a tremendous help to me and helped me see that I was NOT crazy trying to make a relationship work with a RA. I realized I was just human and head over heels "In Love" with a RA.

I truly hope your experience with your RA works out for you and doesn't end up like mine did. I just wanted to share with you my "RA" experience since your post really spoke to me as I was where you are right now and regret that I didn't heed the advice of the kind folks here at SR who responded to my post with their experiences.

Best of luck to you!

Hello, Cjacobs!

I am also in a relatively new relationship with an RA. When I first met him, having had some experience with A's and RA's in my past, I recognized some AA phrasing he used, and made sure he knew it. That being said, I have no idea how long it would otherwise have taken him to tell me anything about his struggle with sobriety. He knows I am open to learning more about his path, that if he chose to include me I would happily attend an open meeting, SoberFest or other such open, social gathering, and that I recognize it is HIS path and is not mine to control. Notably, after 8 months together, he has not asked me to attend any meetings, and is actually very guarded about discussing anything specific. I believe he is concentrating whole-heartedly on living in the present, and seems to have a strong aversion to anything that has to do with his past. Recently, he reached his two year mark, and while he graciously accepted my words of congratulations, he quickly changed the subject. I was concerned that he didn't seem to want to include me at all, and another RA friend of mine suggested that this may simply mean that he is practicing humility. Ideally, our RA's inclusiveness would fall somewhere in between that of mine and yours, but again, it is his individual path and not mine or yours. Go to the meeting if you feel it is the right thing for you to do, but I strongly recommend you close your mouth and keep your eyes and ears open. I agree with the concensus here that actions do speak louder than words, but I disagree when generally stated that you can't believe anything he says. You should be able to discern his character and intentions for yourself, and to decide whether or not to give this one a chance.

I also strongly caution you to take things very slowly. If you truly hope to build anything of significance with him, then you both must be capable of moving forward very deliberately, with open, honest communication, and realistic expectations. Anything that happens too quickly in an alcoholic's life is a Yellow Flag and could indeed be a Red Flag. While there is no guarantee that your RA will remain sober, there is also no guarantee that he won't, so don't let those of the "run, run, run and run fast" mentality get you down. Their intentions are good... they mean to save you from challenges and heartache similar to those that they are or have gone through, but as is true for everything we face in life, when dealing with an alcoholic, nothing worth doing is easy. Learn from your experiences, both good and bad, and you can live a life without regrets. Your RA deserves to be in a loving relationship just as much as anyone else, so if your eyes, ears and heart are open, why not give it a try?

I was previously worried about becoming involved with an RA, not having any idea what he would be like if he were an active alcoholic. I have since decided that what I share and learn about him each day of his sober life strengthens me for what may lie ahead. I will have firsthand knowledge of what he can be, should his illness cause problems for us in the future. And like dating a man with a disability, or one that endures an unfortunate accident or mishap, I know my wonderful RA is worth every ounce of patience and support I can muster.

I have not gone myself, but intend to begin attending Al-anon meetings. My RA sometimes speaks at those in my neighborhood, so I want to be sure I'm not invading his turf by my choice of meetings. I feel that we should both be free to work our own individual programs unhindered by one another. At the very least, you should check out al-anon.alateen.org. You can also learn a lot about co-dependency at CODA.org. Best wishes to you both!

There are also decent alcoholics in recovery who are dedicated to sobriety, and don't BS. I'm living proof of that.

I agree with taking it very slowly in this relationship, along with keeping your eyes wide open.

Sending you hugs of support! :hug:

I was three years into recovery when I met my ex. Now the type of addiction was different (eating disorder), but within the first three months I was upfront and honest with him about my addiction, my treatment etc.

For me it was not about bringing him into the drama, it was about trying to be realistic about my time committments in my recovery (individual and group work on top of working etc), and that I was not sure that I had what it took to make a relationship work.

Before we married I did bring him to one of my therapists so we could talk about the realities of living with my addiction (I did not realize he was struggling with his own until after the marriage).

I was as honest as I could be from the start....but that does not mean I was always telling him the truth. As my recovery progressed and I got healthier many things changed. I could not live with just keeping the peace for example and so I was more honest with my feelings and emotions. When we first knew each other that was not the case.

I think I am writing this for a couple of reasons. First you might not know the reason he told you when and what he did for some time. There might be more than one reason. His long-term actions will help you to determine those reasons are.

Secondly I really do try to be an honest person, but my recovery has drastically changed (for the better) both my definition of and my ability to access the truth. I share this because I don't feel that I was often "purposely" not telling the truth, but because at times I could not recognize it because of where I was in my life. Again long-term actions will help you to determine your loved ones honesty. In my case I have been working a pretty steady and hard recovery for a little over 11 years. Though what that recovery looks like has changed over time it has almost always been one of my top priorities in my life, when it is not is when I get a little crazy. I continue to see my recovery changing over time but I don't ever see it not being a part of my life.

Finally with eating disorders they are finding that it takes eight years of pretty hard work to come to a place of stability (on average). I think I share that because it was hard for me to imagine when I met my husband how recovery was going to impact me, and how it would impact our relationship. That does not mean it was not worth the attempt, but there were ripple affects both on the relationship and on my recovery.

I am grateful for what I learned in my relationship with someone who struggles with alcohol, but I am the most grateful for my own recovery and ability to take care of myself. For some reason this post has brought this up. Sorry if it is off topic, but I felt like I needed to personally address some of the discussion about truth and about when/why we bring people in to share our journey.

The only thing I have to say about dating a recovering alcoholic is that there is great great pain if they relapse. That was my experience. Even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I learned the hard way how fragile he really was. Whatever he says about his recovery and how to maintain it, LISTEN.

But they are like you and me and I don't think non-alcoholics have the niche on being healthy relationship partners. We all have our 'stuff' but an alcholic has A LOT of stuff. whhoo boy do they. Communication is key in any healthy relationship regardless of their background.

Read what you can here but your situation is just that.. yours. Some of what I read here I projected onto him and maybe that wasn't fair of me but some of it was accurate and other stuff didn't relate.

Best of luck.

[QUOTE=CatLover1234;3107385]Cjacobs, I asked this very same question on this forum a little over a year ago and wish I had listened to the multiple replies to RUN, RUN, RUN and RUN FAST! It would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain that I am still trying to heal from today.

Anyway, I hope you really consider all the wise advice you are receiving from these great people at SR who have been in your shoes and have lived with A's and RA's. They were all a tremendous help to me and helped me see that I was NOT crazy trying to make a relationship work with a RA. I realized I was just human and head over heels "In Love" with a RA.


Congratulations !!!! for your courage, determinations and strength.

Oh goodness my intent was not to question anyones ESH, it was to help work it out in my own head. I have been struggling recently with the fact that I am angry at my ex for NOT being truthful to me, not getting into recovery etc. It has been a hard one for me to seperate out what is mine and what is his in the disintegration of our relationship. It is positive that I am not trying to take it ALL on now, but I am far from having it all figured out.

Then I had to realize that my own level of truthfulness has been refined over time, and I was working a recovery program.

I can get really stuck in trying to "define" an addict, and only truly get it when I realize I am an addict too, just with a substance that when used correctly is important in nourishing my body. I also am also powerless over people places and things and I OFTEN forget that.

Sorry to hijack this thread and I appreciate everyone going along with my posts as I work stuff out for myself. It is truly a valuable experience for me.

[QUOTE=GypsyLeopard;3107681]Hello, Cjacobs!

While there is no guarantee that your RA will remain sober, there is also no guarantee that he won't, so don't let those of the "run, run, run and run fast" mentality get you down. Their intentions are good... they mean to save you from challenges and heartache similar to those that they are or have gone through, but as is true for everything we face in life, when dealing with an alcoholic, nothing worth doing is easy.

Intentions?
What I am talking about are years and years of experience and after looking critically at the consecuences of my actions and the decisions I made; after sharing my experience with hundreds of people that took the same path; after educating myself on AH and after realizing that I had all the advice in the workd and I didn't take it.

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Learn from your experiences, both good and bad, and you can live a life without regrets. Your RA deserves to be in a loving relationship just as much as anyone else, so if your eyes, ears and heart are open, why not give it a try?

My advice:
"Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got."

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I will have firsthand knowledge of what he can be, should his illness cause problems for us in the future. And like dating a man with a disability, or one that endures an unfortunate accident or mishap, I know my wonderful RA is worth every ounce of patience and support I can muster.

Thousands of us that lived through it will tell you that you will not have the firsthand knowledge of anything...it's different every time... every day is different. It's a nightmare.

You can't confuse an AH with an unfotunate accident.
I learned so much, alcoholism is a mental disease, you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and no cure.

Go to this site: When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic? Written by Wendy and read the posts.
Pleasse do not take the responsibility to advice other with none or limited experience.

Oh my gosh, this! I've been trying to think of exactly how to say it, but you've said it perfectly.

Even if we weren't in a romantic relationship, I would still want to be friends with him, which means that I would want to support him in any way I possibly could. If attending meetings with him would help him, I'd do it, platonic or not. I know that his disease, his addiction, whatever you want to call it, it's something he'll have to deal with forever. I also know that even after two years, he's not out of the dark, and he may never be.

I feel like I have to try, you know? I feel like it's cruel to judge him based solely on his past and things he's done since then. I really do believe that he's making real progress. I can't walk away from someone who's working so hard to be normal and still be able to sleep at night.

Some of you are mentioning red flags. I'm not sure what those are and what they mean.

'

asmart, I'm willing to agree that we have differing opinions, but mine is no less valid than yours. Yes, "intentions" is the word I meant to use; it means "purpose". I'm saying that your reason for posting the advice, based on your experiences, is good, you mean to save the OP from challenges and/or heartache by sharing your experiences. My point was simply that your experience does not necessarily mean everyone else will experience the same thing.

cjacobs, "red flags" is a phrase used to indicate something that you should pay close attention to. It's something that might mean danger or the potential for it.

Only you can decide what you will do for you. I applaud your willingness to give him a chance, whether romantically or as a friend, and wish you nothing but the best! :)