Really fed up
 

Among the many things that bother me a LOT that AH says are:

1) Tell me what you're doing to work on you because I haven't seen any positiive changes

2) You're talking too much, too fast, too slow, too quiet, too loud, too little. * and no matter how I bring a topic up or how I say it it is always always wrong.

3) You badmouth me to the girls and I can prove it (then proceeds to tell me that using the word alcoholic in front of them is badmouthing)

4) Justifying lying by saying that it was ONLY a few beers, they ONLY cost x amount, and that lying about little things isn't a big deal and I need to get over it

I am sure there are more...

Tonight in the process of trying to have a conversation about visitation schedules he managed to turn it into telling me how awful I am.

He attacked me in front of our D's on Sunday night and all he seems capable of remembering is that I kicked him (to get him away from me) and cried. Is he serious? It's really a sign of rapidly progressing illness that he is as f'ed in the head as he is. He doesn't seem to recall his behavior but he could tell you in detail every thing I've ever done to him that he is angry about.

I didn't react to any of this tonight but it's gnawing at me and bothering me so I'm typing here...

I can not suggest strongly enough that you never assault him again, especially in front of your girls. It's frustrating, I know. Nothing good at all can come from that.

Why are you still trying to have rational conversations with an irrational man? Has it worked so far? It seems to me you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Please stop trying to teach the pig to sing. One of you is going to get hurt.............or worse.

Have your attorney speak to his attorney about visitation schedules.

L

Disclaimer- there is a lot more to Sunday night than I posted and I really don't care to get into it. He isn't here, doesn't live here, hasn't tried to come back and things have been generally fine since he moved out. I didn't post this to talk about Sunday. I just was feeling upset about the words thrown at me earlier tonight and wanted to vent rather than keep it bottled up... I know words aren't supposed to hurt but they do and that's what the point of my post was.

That said I will address the issues raised by responders...

Jazzman- While I appreciate your advice, I will say this: #1. I didn't assault him, I defended myself since he was holding me and wouldn't let go and #2. I will kick him again if he ever physically touches me again. He wouldn't let go of me and I kicked him to get him to let go. #3. Our D's were hitting him to get him to let go so I think all things considered my kicking him in front of the girls was the best option.

Lateeda- I am not trying to have rational conversations with him. I realize I typed "talking about visitation" but it wasn't my attempt at a conversation... It's not worth delving into detail but our "conversation" really was a case of my telling him this is how it is (based on a prior legal agreement that he was suggesting we change on the fly) and he decided to go off bc he didn't get his way. I sat and listened to his bs and told him when he was done that he either left or I called the police to escort him. He left. I am not engaging him or trying to have a converation-- I know better.

I wish I could get to the point where his words didn't cut deep but they still do and I hate it. That's what I am bothered by...

He knows what to say that will get to you. My AH did, too. I didn't get to the point where his words didn't hurt, I got to the point where I stopped listening to him.

But, his words are not the biggest concern here. This man has physically assaulted you on several occasions. I'm worried about your safety. In my opinion, it's time to get a restraining order and stop letting him in the house. He is dangerous.

L

WTBH I do think words hurt (even when we know it is not really about us) and like LaTeeDa said not listening to it is best. Like the others I too am worried about you. If I were in your shoes I would make any future meetings in a very public place. Less likely he will hurt you or pin you down and if he does there will be others to witness it so you can get a restraining order. As you have indicated his illness is progressing and I would be worried that would equate to more violence. If at all possible I would cut contact with him and only discuss stuff via an attorney.

The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.

Be very, very careful and for cryin out loud - stop taking what he says seriously. Think in your head, 'Who gives a sh!t? Not me". Because he's QUACKING.

Sigh.... yup, you're all right. I was really trying to do this inexpensively, not acrimoniously, not have to make this a knock down, drag out court battle and clearly AH is forcing it to be that way. I guess no matter how much I want to do this pleasantly/maturely/sanely, if the other party isn't willing then it's impossible.

I'm just pissed that I am going to spend thousands of dollars battling him that could have been spent on our kids and all bc he needs to be an ass.

Time to call my lawyer I guess...

I'm suggesting a better way of handling that might have been to repeat your request until he let go, then promptly call 911 and take advantage of the golden opportunity he handed you on a silver platter to have another violent incident documented by the police and then get a RO the next day.

If you kick him again you're giving him the golden opportunity to call the police on you. You don't need that headache on top of everything else.

It helps to keep things in perspective.

There is no amount of money worth enduring abuse for. There is nothing you can buy your kids that will make up for them having witnessed the abuse.

L

and he may just pizz off the judge enough with his shenanegans to have to foot the bill YOUR entire legal fees.

No matter what it costs I'm doing what I have to for my kids.

I couldn't have my kids subject anymore to his abuse to me and the kids so that's why I went to get RO on Saturday.

And the divorce lawyer. I don't care what it costs. I just want my kids happy and for them to see me happy.

I'm hoping mine will do that. But then again, he has no money. lol

I handle everything relating to visitation by email. Period.

Jazzman- While I appreciate your advice, I will say this: #1. I didn't assault him, I defended myself since he was holding me and wouldn't let go and #2. I will kick him again if he ever physically touches me again. He wouldn't let go of me and I kicked him to get him to let go. #3. Our D's were hitting him to get him to let go so I think all things considered my kicking him in front of the girls was the best option.

I fully understand your response here, my partner kicked out at me recently and I had all on to restrain myself, and me being the man-I would have a difficult time explaining any retaliation. It is so hard to walk away in the middle of physical and verbal abuse, but walk away we must-for our own sanity not to be sucked into the madness any more.

just to say I know what you are going through so here's my support across the Atlantic!

Hi Wanttobehealthy,

I am so sad for you. I can see where you feel others have been critical. I have an adult son who is a oxy-heroin addict. He did not grow up in a home where drugs were ever used or even considered. He also did not grow up in a home with violence or fear of violence. Please don't be hurt by what people are writing, but consider what they are writing.

You now know that your spouse (?) is willing to physically touch or hold you, without your consent. Father than set up this situation in front of the children, please do what was suggested, and have your attorney or law enforcement set up visitation.

Please be honest with yourself, for the sake of the kids. If you and your spouse/children's father have any history of violence, then PLEASE stop it now, even if that is simply not being a party to it. A person may unknowingly desire attention, even if it's negative attention. You never said this man hit you. Why was he holding you? Were you possibly aggressive with him (physically)? Please think...there's part of an equation here that's not making sense. People do not just come into contact with each other or restrain others without consent. I think he might have been restraining you. Is that possible?

My mother was an alcoholic. Some of the bizarre **** she exposed me to, I will never forget, and it has affected me to this day (I'm almost 49). She always liked to play the victim, but she was truly dishing it out to anyone she could, waiting for others to respond.

I know of no couple who have not had heated arguments (including my own marriage) where our children were present. Shame on us. As we are older, our arguments are much less heated, and our words are more restrained.

My husband grew up in a home where he was physically abused by a monster of a father. His father is a large (big and tall) man, who would use his fists to beat my husband and his older brother. My husband did not repeat this behavior ever. So, he is an example of someone who made the choice not to be violent as his father was. I met him when he was 23 and I was 18.

Please, I mean this from my heart, stop putting yourself into situations (at any time), that may become volatile. YOU KNOW when these situations are possible, and it is your JOB and DUTY to at least PROTECT your children from seeing anything like this. You are not teaching the children to fight back, what you are teaching them is that this kind of relationship is normal. It is not. What kids live and learn, and they MAY later believe what they have seen and lived, is normal and healthy. You know better.

Ask yourself if there has been any past history, which you are intentionally ignoring between you and this man. If so, then please consider if you intentionally set up this situation. Did you know it would likely happen?

Hey, even if it's his behavior that starts the problems...you are responsible for avoiding it especially if you are an example to the children. NO! You are NOT expected to be PERFECT. Ask yourself if you desire the negative attention, and bring it on yourself.

Be totally honest. WHY was he restraining you?

If he says things to you like, you speak too fast, too soft, too this too that...blah blah blah, then he's a jerk! He's tearing apart your soul, waiting for you to react, which you naturally will.

But, here's the deal. I may have words with another adult, but I have never in my life physically had an altercation with anyone. I can control myself, and walk away. I also would never set up additional negative experiences if they could possibly lead to anything physical.

Did he call the police and report the assault?

Why didn't you call the police and report him restraining you?

I for one, would not invite anyone into my life who would physically harm me or even restrain me. Please consider that this could be a pattern you are familiar with, and the children may learn this is normal, when it's not.

You have the power to stop this, please do for you and the children. Gawd, please don't teach them by example this is normal.

As for this man picking you apart, he is awful for doing so and has learned somewhere to pick people apart. You need to stop inviting his mental abuse. Course, it does keep you riled up, and feeling like a victim. My mom thrived on this stuff.

Also, be honest and admit if you are part of the problem.

Hi Painterman,

When a party engages, they become part of the problem.

I dated my husband for years before I married him. I know he's not violent in any way.

I have no doubt that people change if they are using alcohol or drugs, and are no longer the same person.

If we make the choice to approve a partner we know is using drugs/alcohol, then crazy behavior isn't really unexpected. Crazy behavior would be the norm.

If your spouse was healthy and not drinking or using drugs when you met, then you have my sympathy. If your spouse was using drugs or abusing alcohol when you met, and you chose to continue to proceed with a relationship, then it's pretty hard to be shocked or ask for sympathy.

EXCELLENT! Your priorities are your child(ren).

Louise says to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for"

Are you surprised? Do you expect him to change?

:hug: It's not you, it's him. :hug:
Getting to the point where they don't hurt is not your responsibility, and there's nothing wrong with you when you're still hurt by what he says.
He is someone that you trusted at one point, or you wouldn't have married him. Now he is using whatever is left of that trust to tear you down. It's easy to say "don't let him" but it's hard to put into practice when there's a grown man pinning you down frothing rabid hatred out of his mouth.
And this is just focusing on the verbal aspects of the abuse he has put you through.

You are being strong for your girls, and working your way out of this situation.
That takes a lot more courage that I think you realize right now. You're a lot stronger than his words.
Be safe.


Verbal Abuse Law & Legal Definition

Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.

Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position. Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse. Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage.

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painterman and others,

i understand your concern about what he might do in retaliation for me kicking at him but i guess i have to stick with the fact that my asking/demanding him to let go did not work so i kicked him and he let go and he left. i don't regret it and i see a huge difference between assault and defending oneself.

that said, i agree that i should do everything in my power to ensure that such a scene doesn't occur again.

and, i will reitterate that as far as AH is concerned he has no idea how much his words bothered me. as i said in my 1st post-- i didn't take the bait, defend, etc... he spewed and i tried to not be bothered by it.

so, particularly to mtusa who is comparing me to their mom and saying i must enjoy being a victim, you're missing the boat.

i have worked hard to not respond to his verbal crap but it doesn't lessen how much it hurts to hear it. i posted here as a sort of cathartic- get it out and let it go kind of thing and once i did i felt much better...

WTBH - big hugs to you today. Your situation sucks and you are obviously doing the best you can with it. Don't feel the need to justify yourself here...just take what works and leave the rest. And remember - everyone has the best of intentions, even if the delivery is off. We do care about you and don't want you to hurt anymore.

Take good care of you today.
~T

Surprisingly (or maybe not actually) I am fine today... I was pissed and upset with AH's words the other day and I said it aloud here (and talked to my T) and for me that's a cathartic way to let it go. I suppose there are different ways that work for us all to "let go of things" and I've realized that that's my way.

I kept my life with AH a secret for so long that there's something empowering about saying it aloud (even if it's on line!) and for me, 40 yrs into this life of mine, I've finally figured out that that's the best way to let it go (well, that and running!)

((((WTBH)))) I'm glad that you are feeling better today.

HG

Aw sorry to hear this wanttobehealthy. I know what you mean though, sometimes you just want to let out some of the emotional baggage. Hope talking about it made you feel better a bit!

I've not been in your situation so I don't have any E, S & H to share. It sounds to me like you are thoughtfully and courageously working through a tough, tough situation.

I just wanted you to know that I'm here sending you all the good thoughts I can muster. I hope you can sneak away for a long, relaxing bath or whatever you do to collect your thoughts and renew your energy.

Thinking of you and your kids.

Yeah, I got to the point too recently where I realized I would be forced to leave this all to the lawyers because I CANNOT in any way, shape or form have a normal conversation with my AH. I also tried many times to reason with him and it did nothing except make me crazy. Accept that this will cost big bucks and that you have to do it this way and just try to move forward. Divorce is hard and it's maddening that there is no alternative shortcut process when you are dealing with crazy people, but there just isn't, at least where I live.