boyfriend in recovery left me
 

Hi all, I am a brand new poster. I just typed out a long post and it got eaten, ugh! I'll try again.

My alcoholic BF and I were together 1.5 years and he's been sober 2 months, going to a lot of AA meetings, and just started Step 1. He has serious financial problems, no job, no car, probably going to be evicted from his apartment at the end of this month, etc. I have offered to let him live with me and offered financial help til he gets on his feet again. He does look for work, but he seems sort of depressed and halfhearted about it. He stays up late and then sleeps late and generally seems to have trouble managing his time.

I've tried so hard to be supportive of his recovery, but I am weary of never being allowed to have any needs. This week was my birthday and he really let me down. He had said he'd set some money aside to take me out to eat, but he spent it all instead on a wedding present for his brother. He couldn't afford to buy me even a card. I gently and lovingly tried to express how much I want to feel special to him on that one day out of the year, and he reacted angrily. Over the week, he became more and more angry at me and started blaming me for not having time to look for work because I want to spend time with him, blaming me for why his friends and family are angry with him (they are upset because of how he let them down when he was drinking), saying I am too demanding and put too much pressure on him, etc. It really escalated to him screaming at me, calling me obscenities, etc. several times

And then he called yesterday and broke up with me over the phone. He said that he has legal, job, financial and car troubles but that the only REAL stress in his life is me. And that to focus on his recovery, he needs to get rid of our relationship because it causes him stress.

I'm stunned because I am by far the most supportive person in his life and the only one to offer him financial help, drive him to job interviews and AA meetings, cook for him, and provide a lot of emotional support. I feel like my having any needs at all is unacceptable to him, so now I've been let go. It seems insane to me that a person in early recovery would dump the most important and supportive relationship he has.

Most of all, I feel incredible pain and shame because of his blaming me for his problems. Even though I know it's not rational, I feel that I have somehow been responsible for his anger and that I shouldn't have any needs from him as he is in recovery.

I don't want to be with him anymore because this was too painful. I guess I just want a sense of perspective on what happened.

I forgot to add: I approached him this week about going to counseling to improve our communication and reduce stress in our lives. He said he thought it was a good idea, but when he called to break up with me, he said that he doesn't need counseling because I am the only real problem in his life, and that relationships shouldn't be this much work.

Welcome, I am sorry that you are upset, I can understand why.

However, in my mind he did you a big favor. And actually only being in recovery for two months, a serious relationship is the last thing he needs. He is in no emotional condition to deal with a relationship, he must focus completely on his recovery.

I must add, that to me, you display all the classic symptoms of being codependent and enabling. Why do I say that...simple...I am a card carrying codie, done all those things myself.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? I would suggest that you read this book, it was of great help to me. Also, you can gather more information about what enabling is on the net.

You sound like a loving, caring person and deserve so much better. Keep posting, read around the forum, it will help.

:welcome

I'm so glad you found us! There's a lot of experience on here, and you're sure to find something that really speaks to you.

Have you considered going to an AlAnon meeting? The first few I went to didn't really impress me, but I found a more active group, and I love it!

What do you want from a long term relationship? Not necessarily with him, but in general? Do you want to feel that "shouldn't have any needs from him as he is in recovery."?

There are a couple of people here who just broke off engagements, and others of us who were together or married (or still married) to active alcoholics. Please read through the posts - you're definitely not alone.

- Sylvie

Sometimes it seems that A's feel the need to pull away from the people who want to support them...guilt? shame? wanting to see if they can do it "on their own" ?
So many possibilities that we cannot even imagine. I have that need to understand as well but does it really help us in our recovery?
Detach, don't take it personally. It says more about him than about you.
Focus on yourself and what you want your life to look like.
I know these may sound like empty words of advice but when you stop reeling they will start making sense.
Good luck to you.

Hi, and welcome,

Sorry you are in so much pain right now, but I think dolly is right--this could be the best thing for you, right now. And for him, too. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. What you want in a relationship (to be supportive and to be appreciated) is absolutely reasonable--IF you are in a relationship with a non-alcoholic.

Hang out here with us, and you might benefit a lot from Al-Anon meetings.

Welcome. I am so sorry that he broke up with you but am very glad that you have found SR

Now I have to share that what he did is not uncommon. At 2 months his mind is still MUSH, and he not thinking clearly, hell he is not thinking at all, thus we lash at out at the one thing we still fill we have control over, the relationship. I have seen oodles of men and women do this over the last 30 years. Some later make the amends and come back with 'hat in hand' and some don't.

This really has nothing to do with you, this all has to do with him. He is having 'emotions' and 'feelings' come up that for years he has buried in a cloud of alcohol. Feelings and emotions that he cannot even put a label on.

With that being said, what are you doing for you? Are you attending Alanon? If not, I would suggest trying at lest 6 different meetings, to find the ones that you feel a teeny bit comfortable in. Or if Alanon is not for you find yourself a counselor that specializes in Addiction counseling

On top of that I would suggest getting a copy of Melodie Beattie's book "CO-Dependent No More". Then as you read it keep a highlighter handy and when done go back and write about each thing you highlighted. It can be a really 'eye opening' experience.

Lastly please keep posting here. You can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh and we will understand. Most of us have been where you are now or are going through what you are now. We can and are more than willing to share our experience, strength and hope (ED&H) with you as it was with us.

Read the 'sticky's at the top of the formun. Heed our words if you can. There are many "double winners" on these board (recovery from Alcohlism/Addiction and working on recovery from Co Dependency too.

Always know that we are walking with you spiritually!!!!J

J M H O

Love and hugs,

I totally agree that it would not be appropriate for me long term to be constantly supporting him. I offered my temporary help to see him through til he got on his feet. I don't want to be codependent! I want an equal relationship. I had hoped that, as he got better in recovery and got his life in order, things would be more and more equal.

I know that AA tells people not to start new relationships in recovery. But are you also supposed to break up with someone you've been in a year and a half relationship with? I'm so confused.

I think it may be that his sponsor told him to break up with me. I saw my BF the day before, we had a good day together, he told my kids he'd see them the next day, told me he loved me, and then went to meet with his sponsor. The next morning, he called me and broke up with me.

I really get that he should be focusing on his recovery. What I don't understand is ending a supportive relationship because you are in recovery. He told me over and over again as he was breaking up with me that he loves me very much. But at the same time, he was piling the blame on me for being the sole source of stress in his life and insisting that we are 'just not compatible'. And I wonder if, as he was talking to his sponsor (who he just met) he was blaming and criticizing me to his sponsor. It really hurts.

I feel like he is offloading all of his bad feelings onto me and believes that getting rid of me will magically solve his problems. Breaking up with me does not get him a job, his car or license back, pay his bills, or keep him from getting evicted. All of those problems are still there. I know that they are not my problems to worry about. I just can't believe that a sponsor would tell someone that ending a supportive relationship is going to make things better.

jamaicamecrazy, that is what my BF said--that he felt guilty about the ways in which he'd hurt me when he was drinking. And that he doesn't want to feel bad about himself. And that he doesn't want to need me for anything. I feel like I'm nothing but a bad reminder to him of being an alcoholic and messing up and now having all of these problems to deal with. And that hurts. I wonder if I ever meant anything to him at all.

Thank you all for the recommendations. I am going to start going to Al Anon next Saturday, and I do have "Co-dependent No More". Time to get out the highlighter! I know I need to focus on myself and let this relationship go. It's just so confusing, what happened. I don't understand how someone can go from being very loving one day and then cold, angry, and cruel literally the very next day.

If he's still blaming everything on you, then he's wrong in that area. However, he must do whatever he feels he must do, even if he is misguided. He still has A LOT of work ahead of him and that should be his focus. Hopefully, he'll realize that his problems are of his own making and then, he might actually get something out of recovery.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand where you are coming from, but it sounds like he's made his decision, right or wrong. Take care of yourself and try to just let things be. :grouphug:

It was supportive to him. You were supporting him more than any of his family or friends.
However, it was not supportive to you. It was not being reciprocated.

Case in point: the hurt you felt over not receiving appreciation on your birthday. For a newbie in recovery, that feeling of 'not being there' for someone can trigger a relapse.

Today, it may feel better to blame the sponsor for ending the relationship. But will that change anything? No.

This young man is struggling with life. Maybe, he has seperated himself from you to try to work on himself. Maybe, he wants to be able to do this for himself.

No matter why, he has chosen to seperate from you. Can you find a way to accept that?

I hope you find acceptance.

Is there something fun you can do today with your children? Something special you can do together? Bake cookies, a favorite movie, a favorite park?

Since you have children it not only adds confusion to the mix, it also is not in the best interest of the children to be living with an alcoholic.

If he continues to not drink and sticks to his recovery program for at least a year, possibly you can or will get back together. If it is mean't to be, it will happen. For now, in my opinion, it is best to let him go.

The final decision as to what your BF did, lies with him, not his sponser. His sponser is a guidepost, he cannot force him to do one thing or another. Your BF started pulling away before he met with his sponser.

A relationship clouded by alcohol, is not the same when the alcohol is removed. What he wanted under the influence may not be what he wants when he is sober. And, he may be using the sponser as an excuse. It happens quite often.

Start working on you, focus on your children, you will never understand what goes on in the mind of an addict, all you can do now is move forward and accept what you cannot change.

He doesn't have any relationship skills right now. He doesn't know how else to do it. Don't simply assume this is easy for him, that he just blithely made a decision to kick you to the curb, on a whim. You can't possibly know for sure what he discussed with his sponsor. It's possible that as he realizes how much he is going to be going through in recovery that he doesn't see how he can maintain a relationship with you at the same time. Recovery is VERY demanding emotionally. It may be that he felt it was better to break it off than to be constantly disappointing you because he doesn't have the emotional energy to be a good partner to you.

As others have said, whatever the reasons, this is his decision for now. Do your best to work on accepting it. Things may change in the future or they may not. You don't have control over it either way.

I know, I do not want to be living with an alcoholic fresh into recovery when I have children. It's just too much to deal with. I have nothing left to give my ex BF, honestly.

We're both in our 40s so not so young anymore, lol! He has a history of wanting to be alone, then feeling very lonely and rushing headlong into living with people he barely knows, then freaking out and being alone again. Then he gets lonely again...the cycle goes on. I think he really does have to figure out at his age what he wants and who he is. I think alcohol filled the void for him for many years and now that he's sober, it is probably very confusing to figure out what he wants.

I have to move on and I'm okay with that. I do not want to contact him because there is nothing to say, he has made his decision and I accept it.

I guess I just want to shake off this terrible feeling I have from being blamed. The way he treated me when he was drinking was really hurtful, but it's almost as if the blame he's dished out while sober hurts more. It's so sad to have given and cared and then be blamed and discarded.

Attagirl. Try your best not to take it personally. It isn't a reflection on you, at all. It's just a reflection on where he's at right now.

The meetings will probably help--a LOT.

Unfortunately, it really does feel like a reflection on my right now because he gave me a big list of all the ways I am not for him when he broke up with me: I talk too much, he doesn't like the city I live in, I should be with someone who has a weak personality because obviously I can't handle his strong personality, I'm this, I'm that, and on and on. It is bad enough to be dumped, but to also have a list of my faults handed to me really hurt.

Maybe he just needs to convince himself that I'm not for him. By saying all of these hurtful things to me, he has also convinced me that he is NOT for me, either! Heh. I can almost sort of laugh about it a little.

One of the things that really bothers me is that my kids liked him a lot. And before he and I dated, he was living with a woman who had two little kids. When they went to their dad's for a visitation weekend, he moved out on them without so much as a farewell. Now I am left having to tell my kids that they'll never see my exBF again, either. I am really angry at him for getting involved with people who have children when he clearly doesn't really care about the kids. But, I know, he's an alcoholic, so we are not talking about a regular relationship under regular circumstances.

I am afraid to ever date anyone again who has had an addiction problem, but I also believe that people can and do change and deserve a chance. Any advice about that issue?

Well the relationship may come back around someday but not the way it was before. Things change so much in recovery, for both the A and the people who care for them.

You have gotten some excellent advice in this thread. I love SR for this.

Yes, I have gotten really great advice and it is really helping to hear it. Thank you so much! I know things will get better, but I feel like I'm living on another planet or something right now--things are so confusing. It's so good to hear from others who have gone through the same things.

That is terrific news! That book will definitely give you some new perspectives!

Please do continue to post and let us know how you are doing, okay?

Yeah, I'd say he said what he "had" to say to convince himself that this was what he has to do right now.

My kids were young (11 and 13) when I had to leave their stepdad, whom they loved. They still speak fondly of him, though they understand now why I had to leave. (I waited till they were a little older to explain the "why"--they only stayed with us on weekends because they lived with their dad most of the time).

Overall, I'd say there are plenty of non-addicts to choose from, so in general, it's probably smart to stay away from people with a history. OTOH, my first husband has been sober 31 years, is a great guy, and probably as good a person to put a bet on as there is. I think I'd be pretty cautious about dating anyone with an "issue" in his past who doesn't have LONG-term sobriety.

You are worth more than somebody reading off a list of things that they don't like about you! If someone did that to me today, I would giggle and slam the door in their face. Someone that takes the time to write down and read aloud hateful things about another person has psycological problems. Alcoholics can't have healthy relationships with anyone! I don't care if you are Heidi Klum or Giselle Bunchen. They don't love themselves, so they don't love anyone else! I would go get my hair and nails done and go buy a couple new outfits today if I were you....you just got rid of some heavy baggage you were carrying now that he is gone. I would celebrate. He's not your problem anymore! No more taking care of a little boy (sorry, grown man) that should be taking care of himself!

Go have fun living your life now that you are free!!!!

Duq - thanks for the laugh!

And seriously, if it were the norm for people to be 'strong enough' to live with alcoholics, this forum would be a lot smaller!

It sounds like you've managed to point yourself in a healthier direction - good for you! I'm disengaging from my boyfriend, and I lived with him for 4 years, with kids, up until 3 months ago. I wish I had the strength of character to know myself better a long time ago.

- Sylvie

Thanks for the additional information. Sounds like he is a runner, and basically emotionally unavailable. That trait is indictative of being immature and irresponsible.

His alcoholism has nothing to do with him just walking out the door, different issue all together.

Just reenforces that there was no real future with him.

Your children will be fine, they are reseliant and so are you!

Thanks, dollydo. I have realized that he is an alcoholic AND he seems to have severe commitment issues. So even though he is sober, he is still not capable of being there for anyone. He was supposed to move in with me in a few weeks, told my kids he was moving in, and then...he just booked it. Since I think he does have commitment issues, I guess the closer he got to moving in with me, the worse his anxiety got. I really thought that by his getting sober, our relationship would go much better. But now I see that his relationship patterns are another issue altogether.

My friends warn me that he will be back. I have to prepare myself mentally to be strong, because I can't go through this again. I feel totally drained.

Yes, your friends may be right. That's why going no contact is so very important.

Some people just are not emotionally mature enough for the grown up world.

Keep your resolve, and you will be ok.

@dolly...you said these words PERFECT!!

love, i was once in your shoes...loved and cared for him and supported him...and I was in AL ANON..the thing is with me is i stopped ENABLING my behaviour...yes it turned for the worst, he was at the time in his beginnings of his recovery (and i pray he still is)

my A(&NA) left me, he left a DR JOHN letter and said to me, "i know i am a very sick man, its all me, not you, and i do not want to bring you down with my sh!t." and left....that was last June

and i thank him now...there has been no contact

i wish him well
~Maggie

Ah geez. The XABF just texted me to "see how I'm doing". I'm going to take a bubble bath and watch Mob Wives, lol! I wish the ex the best in his recovery, but I realize it's time to focus on me and my kids only now.

I have to say that I really have respect for all those in recovery who have made it through the tough times and are doing the right thing by their families and friends. And for all of us codependents who are taking care of ourselves. I just found out there is a CODA meeting right near me so I'm going to go check that out tomorrow night.

Thanks all for the support today! It has really helped me focus on my priorities.

You're doing all the right things for YOU now, and that's a beautiful thing. :day6

Keep it up! :c011:

Oh yeah. It's all your fault all right. Why didn't you just stfu and do what he wanted you to do?

Oh that's right, it wouldn't matter if you did do what he wanted you do to. You can't please an A when they're in blame shifting mode because it's not really your fault. None of it is. He just throwing tantrums and blame around like a giant two year old that needs his diaper changed.

Let me tell you a little story.

Back in March of 2008, my AH started coming home drunk at 4am, waking me up and telling me what a piece of **** I am. I was fat, didn't clean the house well enough, didn't take care of the kids well, didn't bring in enough money.

I cried and cried. I believed every word he said. He said he was divorcing me, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. " I don't want to be married to you anymore," he told me. "I'm going to divorce you."

I was out of my mind with grief. That is, until I figured out he had a girlfriend. He was having an affair and he actually brought that piece of garbage to my house when i was gone with the kids.

That was over three years ago. That guy did me a favor. You know why?

Even though we eventually lost our home to foreclosure, even though that time of life sucked about ten years out of me, that crisis, that soul shaking, horrific event gave me the opportunity to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself. It was a gift.

After I threw his stuff into the front yard and called the police screaming, I left for a month and went to a tropical island to stay with my sister. I forced myself, every minute of every day, to stop wondering what he was doing or with whom. To stop blaming myself, in my head, for driving my husband away. I forced myself to not be a victim, to refocus all of my energy into taking care of my kids and myself.

If he hadn't ran off with that homeless alcoholic I would probably still be obsessing about his drinking, feeling inferior and doubting myself. I can' even stand the thought of it.

The questions I started asking myself are difficult, way more difficult than "why does my AH treat me this way?"

Asking myself, "why did I stay in that abusive situation for so long?" And, "why did I allow myself to be treated that way," are far more difficult, and rewarding, than living with the giant man child.

Because the only thing i can control is myself, my own thoughts and actions. What's inside this skin. It gave me freedom my Dear, because I now know the magic trick of focusing on my life, my boundaries, my children. Detaching right away from situations I cannot control.

It makes everything all better.