dealing with guilt of leaving
 

how do you cope with the guilt of leaving? I don't want to deny my kids the chance to know their father but I may need to move to be nearer my family while I get back on my feet. we're already separated, but I'm thinking of moving farther away ... I don't know ... alcoholic husband just lost his job and has not visited us in a month. not for my birthday. not for mother's day. the kids are starting to ask questions. and yet I'm afraid of hurting the guy by announcing I'm done. when I try to talk to him about what I'm thinking, he's always too depressed or too anxious or too busy with work and claims I'm kicking him when he's down. am I? I feel paralyzed with indecision and living in limbo, living for the kids completely. how to get my own life?

Just think of your OWN life... is there really an "ideal" time for you to hear news? I've been waiting for my life to "slow down" for the past 20 years! Life doesn't slow down... it keeps going. So, I'm pretty sure your ex won't really ever been in the "right state" to hear what he needs to --mainly, that you are putting your kids first (instead of him) and need to do what's good for you and your kids.

i'm sorry for guilt feelings. I think most of the time guilt can be alleviated by just stating your intentions--coz we get scared that what we're feeling or thinking or about to do or did already do is something "wrong"... but im sure you already know that whatever you choose to do is obviously being chosen to do with the best of intentions--so whatever you decide, there's no need to feel guilty... we're humans, and more importantly, we're the ones that were the "healthy" side of the relationship and we're allowed to make up our own decisions!

guilt is probably just the residual emotional reaction you subconciously remember in dealing with decision-making with an alcoholic in your life.

You will need to speak with an attorney about moving, how far away, etc., and what you will be able to do. There's a lot there so don't make any decisions because there are legal aspects here.

As far as being afraid of hurting the guy -- I hear you. Start going to al anon meetings. You need to get a handle on "focusing on yourself" and making healthy decisions for you and your children -- as opposed to "hurting the guy" so to speak. That's all part of you getting healthy.

It's the same as you feeling you are kicking him when he's down. Changed attitudes can aid and bring about recovery -- meaning if you change YOUR attitudes then YOU can and will recover. Not his recovery, but YOURS. Not him, YOU!!!

It's not a destination. It's a journey. It's a process. Begin now and good luck.

Oooh pick me! Pick me!!! I've got answers!!!

Not really -- but I've fought the evil ghost of guilt. Guilt is a useless emotion. You are leaving him because you want to regain control of your life. You are leaving him because you want to protect your children.

You don't want to rob the children of their father? Well, someone here pointed out to me that it's significantly better to have no parent than to have an alcoholic for a parent. And here's my thing: If your children's father wants to be a father, it's up to him to make the effort. No amount of you staying in town or staying married or "helping" him be a father is going to do the trick. HE is the only one who can make the choice and the effort.

Here's another thing: Think of it this way: If the only way you could be with your children would be to -- oh, say, drive an hour every weekend, or fly across five states once a month, or mortgage your aunt and sell your cousins to aquire enough camels to ride across the desert to see them -- wouldn't you??? That was a HUGE eye-opener to me, when I realized that the slightest inconvenience made it pretty unappealing for my AXH to see the kids. It was too hard, and he was not willing (once again) to make the effort (just as all those years we were married).

I think what we suffer from is some kind of survivors' guilt -- you know, like survivors of plane crashes where others died? The truth is that HE chose the situation he's in. You can, through Al-Anon, get the support you and the kids need. They have a great brochure about how to talk to kids about alcoholism, and I love how it manages to be very straightforward without being judgmental about the alcoholic. (I used it with my youngest just an hour ago...)

Keep on keeping on, and don't fall for the quacking. Hugs.

"Geographic" cures don't work any better for us than they do for alcoholics.

If I were you, I would ruthlessly examine my motives for wanting to make the move (do you really think it would be a better life there? How is the job market for you? Do you still have close friends there?). Moving a long distance just to get a clean break can wind up making you feel stranded and bring on additional problems.

If, however, you are sure it would really mean a better life for you and the kids (and you have some evidence to back that up in the event he tries to legally block the move), then it is worthy of consideration. Bear in mind that if you are the one instigating the move, you may have the financial burden of making sure the kids are able to spend time with dad.

I had to move across the country from my kids and my sober ex several years ago, but we have always cooperated on the parenting and shared the costs invoved in my going to see them a couple times a year. It can work, though it would be tougher with one parent who is an active alcoholic (EVERYTHING is tougher with one parent who is an active alcoholic).

Please remember, you aren't denying your children the chance to know their father.

Their father, by actively drinking has made that choice.

If you need to move closer to your family to help you during this time, then that is a consideration. Lexie Cat shared some things to consider in making that decision.

Do you attend Al-Anon? The face to face strength and support of Al-Anon is amazing..

"The truth is, he chose the situation that he is in".

Lillamy hit the nail on the head. Guilt is a terrible feeling. I am in a situation where I feel the trigger of guilt as well. It helps me a lot to remind myself that "he" made the choices that created this situation. Yesterday, when I turned it over to God I realized that a lot of my guilt feelings were coming from my feelings that I caused it, could control it, or could cure it. None of that is true. Your husband is dealing with the consequences of his actions.

The only thing that you can do is take care of you and your children and decide what is best for ya'll. Seeking legal advice and really thinking through your options is get advice.

I hope you keep on posting about this if you have feelings of guilt. I know that my feelings come and go. Last night I was doubled over in tears about lots of guilt - but then this morning I have a little more clarity.

Hugs....

Here is what I learned about me and guilt:

I used it as a tool to avoid doing something.
It kept me anxious and stuck.
I used it as a way to not acknowledge my fear of making mistakes.
It took the focus off of issues I should have been addressing.
Once I made the decision and moved forward...all my guilt was gone.

Guilt is not an emotion to be avoided, it is one, however, that needs to be managed.

Just my thoughts on guilt!

guilt is a useless emotion...so i rather grieve the issue....the A has not changed, he is not the person i once knew, i grieve of doing this all on my own, i have to independent because the A is not, i grieve the kids because its their father that i once loved and cared for....

nothing will change...but i will! and i grieve the past and the what if's and i should haves....

thats how i deal with guilt...i grieve

Guilt and I are good friends. I can't help it. I was brought up Catholic :D

This little snippet from one of the Classic Readings always does it for me. I hope it can help you:

"You are reading from Mars & Venus starting over. By John Gray, Ph.D.

Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs.

Sometimes even when we are the ones who are the victims, we feel guilty for leaving. We may mistakenly feel sorry for our partners, when really they should be feeling sorry for the ways they have hurt us."

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html

You know what's worse than the guilt of leaving? The guilt of staying. Leaving is like a breaking a finger, staying is like breaking a femur. Both hurt, but one hurts a lot more than the other and people often die from it.

The single biggest mistake I have ever made in my 45-Year old life, and I've made plenty (some doozies too), was staying. It's number one with a bullet.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

In my situation, I've made it my own personal choice to live with complete integrity. I would feel 'guiltier' (really more like a hypocrite) if I were in your situation and I did not live with integrity, i.e. gently sharing these thoughts with the other parent and making the honest plans for my family as stated. If you are toying with the idea, you should not toy with anyone else's emotions with the idea. Get solid information and then be honest about the decisions you need to make so your little family can prosper and grow. No guilt there!

welcome to sober recovery. this is a terrific site, with lots of peeps who can help you sort things out.

this is a tough decision. i would say that you keep the best interest of your children front and center. you are grown up, "formed" if you will. the decision to stay or leave will impact them. what is your BEST guess of which one will be MOST true: staying = good, or leaving = good ?

i would say, make sure leaving would not be due to spite, or wanting to hurt him, or "show him" or similar manipulation. also, because of the kids, i would say that your need to feel like you're making a statement, trying to heal, ending a marriage, or feel safe - important as all of those are - does not trump your children and their needs.

peace...

sorry to bring this up...but please enough said about "religion", i have my own opinion on that...mmm enough said

Cyranoak nailed it. Although I am feeling guilt for leaving it is ABSOLUTELY nothing compared to the guilt that I feel for what I have put my children through. I should have left a LONG time ago.

My major guilt is that I have stayed. And it wasn't until I read what Cyranoak wrote that I realized that. It makes it a whole lot easier to leave when I get my priorities right.