Trial
 

Fired my lawyer who was hired to "help" AH's defense. Prosecutor's office called me today. I talked with the victim advocate for a while and told her he's an alcoholic, and his 'history' of rehab/recovery attempts. She said the Prosecutor already figured that out from what was written in the police statement and that the "plea" offer was that AH get a suspended sentence but has to go to a year of court mandated rehab and AA mtg's. I don't have an opinion about this which surprises me bc originally when he was arrested I "hoped" this would make him get help. Now I think that no matter what happens with court, until HE decides to get help no one forcing it (not even the court) will matter.

I will testify at the DV trial against AH. I don't have much choice. The State pressed charges, not me and I have to testify OR plead the 5th and if I do that I can be held in contempt of court. Given the option of saving AH's a$$ or mine, I choose mine.

AH did not want me to fire my lawyer or testify. I kind of dread the fall out from this bc he will likely wind up with a record (if he doesn't take the plea deal) and lose his job and that WILL impact our kids pretty badly. But he made choices and it's not my job to protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.

Good, keep reminding yourself. You didn't do this to him. HE did this to him. You are correct, these are the consequences of HIS actions.

You are doing the best you can right now, and that is pretty darn good considering what you have been and are going through.

Hopefully, in time, you will be 'questioning' yourself less. We all had to learn that one. It sure took me time to learn to start 'trusting' my gut, lol

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Even if you CAN avoid testifying, I feel testifying could help with your custody regarding the divorce.
It certainly couldn't HURT that case, and in my opinion that's the more important one - kids who are stuck in the middle through no fault of their own trumps an AH trying to avoid the consequences of his own choices ANY DAY, in my book.
I'm sure you could use the results of this case, whatever they are, in your divorce proceedings.

In that case, it stands to reason that it would be more helpful to have as much accurate information as possible in this case, not because of this case, but because of the NEXT one.

Just a thought.
When you testify, maybe just remind yourself that you're doing it for your kids?
You've done more than enough for your AH.

There's only one more "gift" you can give to him, anyway - the gift of experiencing the consequences of his own choices and actions.
The gift of being completely responsible for himself.

And that is a gift.
It's all about what you do with it that determines how well it treats you.
You're starting to take responsibility for YOURSELF, and you have been making great changes.
Now it's his turn, and he can do with that freedom and responsibility for himself as he sees fit.

Exactly why I am waiting to go fwd with the divorce until after the trial.

In my book too.

That's the plan.

Yup.

Already there-- thinking that :)

Too much in fact.
Yup. I agree.

It is... I wish I'd realized it years ago. I've kept myself ill and contributed to enabling his illness by doing things for him he should have done himself.

In my mind I do feel guilty and feel a twinge of "I shouldn't do this to him" but the logical side of my brain knows this is irrational so I just need to remind myself of this.[/QUOTE]

I know exactly how you feel. I had a very similar experience with DV and the police pressed charges. Thankfully he admitted it so I didnt have to testify and he took his punishment. Best thing I ever did...it was his wake up call and has never happened since.

Hope it works out for you too.

He 'sort of' admitted it... He's saying it was an accident. And I said after the fact to the police that I was not sure he did it intentionally (bc I really wasn't sure).

I am looking forward to May 13. Whatever happens May 12 it will be over. That's all that matters.

Any plans for anything special that May 13-15 weekend?

Planning a fun (even if inexpensive) reward for myself after something stressful also helps me relax more emotionally as the date of the thing I'm dreaded approaches.
Tonight I am planning on eating dinner out on my apartment's balcony, and I cannot wait. (I also love how I can enjoy the little things in life, now that I'm not under XABF's thumb anymore, but that's a story for a different thread. *Grins*)

Just a thought.
You deserve something fun to look forward to. :)

Hi WTBH, sorry for posting this under an alternate screen name, but I have lost the password for my usual NoDaybut2day identity.

Just wanted to chime in with a hug of encouragement for the trial and testifying.

Having read the threads that were posted over the week-end, I agree with you that this is the soundest strategy to reducing visitation to as little as possible or potentially obtaining supervised visitation. Your AH's actions may well give you the ammo you need to safeguard your daughters.

I remember how tricky it was to navigate these waters when I was separated from XAH but not divorced yet, and I wasn't living with him anymore! I did a whole lot of travelling back and forth from my parents' place to AH's apartment to provide him with the visitation he demanded AND supervised all visits myself, all the while accumulating evidence against him...it was so stressful. I remember smiling to him ever so politely and thinking to myself "I'm so two-faced...Here I am being nice and I'm about to have his served with proceedings for the custody of our child". Kudos to you for keeping your wits about you, especially with his family attacking you left, right and center.

So, what happens after your testify against your AH? How long before he gets sentenced?

My nephew's 1st communion is that weekend... But that's a good question-- I think I'll plan a girls night out for that Fri or Sat!

I don't know-- in answer to the above. It's not a jury trial. It's just a judge, the lawyer(s) and us. And the police and any witnesses (but there weren't any). So, the Prosecutor said that IF he does not take a plea deal and it does go to trial the judge will decide then and there and give a sentence. There is not jail time that is likely to be involved.... It's going to be a matter of a fine, some kind of rehab/counseling and possibly a conviction of a Class A Misdemeanor (worst case scenario).

I think that whatever the outcome is it will be good for me custody wise that this happened. As bad as that sounds, it definitely gives credence to my concerns about his behavior and I hope that his being court involved will help with his having to have supervised visitation until a point in time that he can demonstrate he's ???? (sane, in control, in recovery...?)

I know it sounds terrible, but I'm crossing all crossable apendages that he gets the "worst case scenario", only because it will help you get custody and supervised visitation.

Have you considered when you want to file for custody? I wonder if there isn't some kind of "best strategic time" to do so, perhaps soon after he gets sentenced...

Absolutely true - don't lose sight of this fact, regardless what happens.

You've been subpeona'd to testify in a court of law. What's being asked of you is to tell the truth, not save your derriere. Whether he chooses to take a plea is his call, and the consequences entirely his own.

I do get the reluctance to "do this to him" - but seriously, what would throwing your integity under the bus do to improve his long term prospects? Nothing.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Do what's right for your kids and yourself, and let go of the stuff that's out of your control.

Does anyone think it is odd that I haven't been officially subpeonaed yet? I do.

NDBT- I feel like I am playing a game of cat and mouse a bit. AH's lawyer is a shark -- a criminal defense lawyer and divorce lawyer. I don't really want AH to know or sense that I have filed until the trial is over bc I fear what his lawyer might try and do (the prosecutor told me to be prepared to be all but attacked on the stand by his lawyer). If I file BEFORE the trial I feel like it gives his lawyer extra incentive to tear me apart for the sake of custody issues. If I let the trial be done and over and THEN file I think that might be better. I guess my plan is to file the week after the trial. I have an appt with a new lawyer on Thurs morning. It's a woman I got the name of from the State DV Coalition. I assume therefore she is familiar with unpleasant family law issues...

Keep listening to that logical side of your brain, not the codie heart we’ve become so familiar with.

I learned that if my actions didn’t “feel” quite right or that twinge of guilt began to show up in my mind then I was in the same place as the alcoholic pondering his next drink. Which meant I needed someone or something other than myself to stop that kind of thinking.

Sounds like you are sure of your decision, and that’s half the battle, just making one.

((hugs))

I know this is stressful for you - I'm sorry. But it sounds like you have a good, practical, healthy attitude about it!

Does anyone think it is odd that I haven't been officially subpeonaed yet? I do.

Could it be that a plea is still up for the taking by your AH? If he takes/negotiates a plea that's accepted no trial and no subpoenas necessary. If not, then maybe then you'd receive something official to appear. I've no law degree so this is just me thinking out loud.

Alice

wanttobehealthy, your mailbox is full :)

Alice, that makes sense--- thanks!

I just emptied it-- try again! sorry.....

Thanks for this thread -
I was unclear about the whole 'testifying against' thing.

I posted on another thread
but then couldnt' find it
about there being a conflict of interest...

now I get it.

Yes, sadly, this is true. I did not seek help, it came to me....I decided to go with it.
:)

*****!

No, it is not your job.

Excellent!

Beth

I feel like I probably should have come here a month ago or so when I appeared and posted a "here's the story". There's lots of things at play here-- this trial is kind of a nightmare (understatement of the year) but it kind of got the ball rolling for me in late Jan and got me seeing that the status quo HAD to change.

It isn't ideal right now but the new status quo is a lot better than it was a few months ago and after the trial the even newer status quo will be better still...

So, that's the story with the testifying thing...

Calling the police on Jan 31 was the scariest thing I ever did. I have gotten push back from my family, our friends, his family, and AH himself for this. I have questioned myself in all the ways that women do after you call the police on your spouse (or that some women do I guess). But I haven't tried to get the charges dropped, I haven't been bullied into NOT testifying, I haven't kept a lawyer who was awful to me just to save my AH's a$$.

I am scared about being attacked by his atty on the witness stand and know that I will be painted as the provoker and that that is the defense atty's job. I am trying to prepare myself for that. It will be really hard. And in the past I would have done whatever it took to avoid that discomfort- even if it meant harm to me and maybe even my kids in the long run.

I want May 12 to be here NOW. I am kind of afraid that I will chicken out by the time the day comes. I know deep down I won't but being afraid has in the past had a lot of power to dictate what I do and don't do.

This time I won't let that happen. If I did, then all the fear I've faced and tried to overcome in the past 4 months would be for nothing right?

IMO, you're right about waiting till after the trial to file custody proceedings. Just expect more crap from his enablers about "kicking him when he's down"...I don't want to sound discouraging but I forsee yet another backlash when you start to make a move towards freeing yourself from him.

Let us know how the new lawyer is...

In 1988, my ex husband was tried and convicted for child molesting.

I was never subpoena'd.

I knew when the date was
the prosecution did NOT want me to show up
(and I ..DID.. of course)

but it's now always necessary for a subpoena
they're usually for what might be a 'hostile' or 'reluctant'
witness.

just throwing that in there.

If you know when it is that might be all you get?

I was told when the court hearing was and was told I didnt need to attend if that helps any.

Hugs

I, too, thought subpoenas were only for people who the court (or prosecution) felt would not appear.
They are presuming you will NOT be a reluctant or hostile witness, and so did not send you a subpoena. (Another credit to how you're handling this, as it's not uncommon in DV situations for the victim to be reluctant or hostile, but you haven't given them any of those "vibes").

That said, if you're afraid of backlash about showing up when you didn't "have" to, I believe you could always ask the prosecution to send you one.
While I've found it's a very empowering experience to stand up for myself, it's also helpful in certain situations to have something to hide behind.

I told my parents I wasn't going on the family vacation this year because most of my department would be on vacation that week, and as the person with less seniority I felt responsible to work that week. The real reason I'm not going is because I don't want to be stuck with them for a week, but the part about everyone else being out is true, too, and that's the reason that would cause less drama for me. :)

I don't take that as discouraging... I forsee that too and will deal with it if and when it comes. I am not burying my head in the sand and trying to pretend that might not happen but I am I guess trying not to worry about things down the road that I can't predict and can't be sure will happen. It might be a little like denial I guess but it sure has lessened my worrying by a ton!

I will let you know how the new lawyer is... I can't imagine anyone can be worse than the last one!

I figured since I was the sole witness (the police came after he'd left so there was nothing that they saw) and the one he attacked they'd subpoena me to be sure I came... How would they have a case if I chose to not show up? Would they still have a case?

FYI- these are the kinds of questions I tried to ask my lawyer and he couldn't or didn't want to answer me. Odd huh?

Hey there,

Voice of experience from the State's side of things. You probably will get a subpoena, maybe just shortly before the trial. Sometimes trial schedules are in flux--there might be other cases scheduled as well, and it might not be clear that your case is a "go" until shortly before trial. Those are questions for the victim advocate. If I were you, I'd want a subpoena just so it was clear you weren't there "out to get him". You are there as a legitimate witness in a criminal case.

Don't even think about pleading the Fifth. It will make you look ridiculous. You have no legitimate expectation of being prosecuted for anything, so you don't have a basis for claiming the privilege.

You will be just fine. You don't have to be anything but a neutral witness--you don't have to be reluctant or champing at the bit. You're a witness, you show up, you tell the truth to the best of your ability, end of story.

Oops, accidentally posted too soon.

Other advice--ask to meet with the prosecutor in advance (he/she will probably want to prep you anyway). Ask what he or she intends to ask you, so you will be prepared. Answer the defense attorney's questions in the same helpful spirit that you answered the prosecutor's questions. If there is any "fixing" of your answers that need to be cleared up (due to a misleading impression the defense attorney is trying to create) the prosecutor will have a chance to ask additional questions on re-direct.

Don't volunteer information you aren't asked for (even if you think it will be helpful). That will only cause problems. Listen to each question, make sure you understand it (and ask for clarification if you don't), and answer as honestly as you can.

That's it--the rest is for the lawyers and judge. You can breathe easy, knowing you have done the right thing.

One other tip--don't look at him while you're testifying. Look at the lawyer who is asking the questions.

This is good practice at letting go of the outcome. It isn't your job to make sure he's found guilty, it isn't your job to make the event any worse or better than it was. It also isn't your job to say whether he did something "on purpose." If the defense attorney were to ask you that, the prosecutor should object. You can't read his mind. You say what he did, and the judge is the one who will have to conclude whether he acted intentionally or not.