Why is no contact so hard? And why is it necessary?
 

Haven't talked to ABF in a week. I am having such a hard time, and am frankly completely devastated. He is my best friend, and a wonderful man who has helped me more than anyone else in the world. He just happens to have a serious drinking problem and struggles hugely with it. I love him, my friends love him, my family loves him, and they all know about his troubles. It is kind of amazing that he could do all he has done for me in the state he has been in.

But last week, he hid a beer from me, which he'd never done before, and I told him I didn't want to talk to him for a while. Called him a couple days later to check on him, and he ignored me. No contact since.

I know in my mind that the best thing for us is to not talk, because I think then he will see how close he is to the bottom. He got a DUI last month, and is now car-less, job-less, and stuck in his dump of a house in a bad area. With his alcoholic roommate. Which I guess also makes me wonder if he's just drinking everything away, while I am sobbing for the love of my life, and wondering if our relationship is beyond the point of repair.

For the record, he has seen an addiction doctor 2 or 3 times since the DUI, and apparently working on getting sober. This is the first time he's been seriously committed to doing anything besides doing it on his own, which is a good sign, and I don't want to give up on him now, but because he's still drinking, I don't know where to draw the line of support. I know that I can't save him, and he has to do it himself, and because he's still drinking, it seems he is so far from being able to quit. I know that our relationship cannot be if he keeps drinking. But he really is the love of my life and the best friend I have ever had. I miss him. And it hurts that he hasn't contacted me. (I guess it is what I asked for, but it still hurts.) It hurts to think that a man who has told me, both sober and drunk, that I am the love of his life, and he wants nothing but to be with me, who has never treated me less than gold won't even talk to me. (Yes, his drinking is frustrating and infuriating and we have had many long discussions about it and its impact on me, on him, on me-and-him, but he really has been better to me than anyone ever has).

I guess it's confusing also because I don't even know if we've broken up. We still have lots of each other's things. I still talk to his mom. I don't like this gray area purgatory. Wonder if I should just call him and clear the slate, set actual boundaries and definitions, or just let time run its course. I am so lost right now. I am keeping myself busy with work and other friends, but it feels like a piece of my soul is missing right now.

Your thoughts/advice/experience greatly appreciated.

I completely understand where your coming from, I have been through a similiar situation. I too was very confused as how (right after the break-up) my ex alcholic boyfriend could possibly go this long ( I said this daily) without trying to contact me in some way. We really had been through everything together and I couldnt (and never did) grasp, how he had such ability, to not contact me- I wondered after all we had shared how he could one day without thinking of me. And the last thing I wanted to do, was try to contact him, afterall he was one who had been dishonest in our relationship, how could I stand my ground and keep him at the same time. I like you, totally got lost in the process, wanted answers and wasnt sure if him not bothering to even call me was my the answer.. Just want to offer my sympathy. I felt so uncertain, and wanted answers so I could atleast figure out a plan of action. Ive been there and it was tormenting.

as far as whether or not no contact is necessary? Im sure that varies among people. But for me, no contact- was the only way to end the mix messages my ex boyfriend was giving me. We were both sending and receiving mixed messages from each other and our relationship was a total tangled up mess.
I tried back off and just not talk or see him as much. Seeing him periodically, made things even more foggy for me so I to save my sanity (stop checking my phone every sec etc), I had to go no contact.

It IS hard to sit on your hands when nothing is clear. We want answers, and we want 'em NOW, dammit. :)

I totally get it. But sometimes it's like opening the oven door too soon when you have a delicate cake or souffle in the oven. You can mess with the process by not being patient.

Living with the chaos is something we KNOW. It may be unpleasant, but we know, at least, what's happening--even when it's bad. Living with the unknown is always more uncomfortable.

All I can say is, trust that your getting back in the middle of it isn't going to help him, nor will it help you. Trust the process, let it play out as it will. Eventually things will become clearer.

one day at a time. Just for today.

These are just words, but they really help!

IMO, no contact is necessary in order to see the situation more clearly.

No contact is hard because you are breaking a pattern, and change is never easy.

Reading your post, it seems as though you need to look to the man's actions and not his words. Words are nice and all, but actions speak to a man's character.

Try to remember that as painful as this is, no one ever died from being uncomfortable. You can get through this, one day, one hour and one minute at a time, if need be.

Thanks to all
 

Thanks to all for your feedback. I am trying one day at a time, but it is really like one minute at a time, and making days seem as long as years.

With the exception of this most recent beer-hiding incident, he has always been painfully honest with me. And while I don't like the aCTION of drinking, there have never really been any "bad" actions on his part.

I am finding myself running through a whole spectrum of emotions, from feeling like he is the love of my life, to feeling mad that he can't even call me. I wish that there could be something...an apology, a f*** you, a "we should break up," a "I can't stop drinking," a "I'm moving to Mongolia"...something, ANYTHING, for at least some closure. I'm sitting here staring at a big pile of his stuff on my desk, and don't really want to throw it in a bag and leave it on his porch.

Maybe it is too soon, but the more distance we have, the more confusing things seem. The longer we go without talking, the more I think about how much I love him, and how important he is to me, and how irreplacable our love seems. But at the same time, it hurts so badly that this man who told me just one week ago that he loved me, that I am his best friend, that I am the love of his life, can't even call me. And that makes me think that he only loved me when I "let" him drink...that his promises that beer would never come before me are all lies, and beer has won hands-down :(

It isn't a lie, exactly. Alcoholics can't HELP but put the alcohol first. If they were able to choose, they wouldn't be alcoholics in the first place.

I'm sure you are important to him, but he has lost the power to choose you over the booze. His only hope is for him to desperately want to quit drinking--to want it more than anything in the world (also including you).

You can't hurry that along, and you can't demand that he recover any sooner than he is ready to. Sorry, that kind of certainty just doesn't go with this territory. I feel for your discomfort and I TOTALLY get it. But there isn't anything you can do that will give you the answers you would like to have.

You can only decide how much uncertainty and frustration you are willing to put up with. Because it doesn't sound like he is ready to quit, yet.

Thanks Lexie, I needed to hear that. As much as my brain knows that it is the alcohol that puts itself first, it cuts my heart up. I want him to want to quit more than he wants me. It is just sad for him to think what it will take to get him to that point.

I guess I am just lost/confused about the "ready" to quit thing. While I understand that he will only be ready when HE is ready, we have been on this rollercoaster of "ready" for over a year now. This time, he's at least seeing a doctor regularly. Literally every other day, he changes between "I can do it on my own" to "I need to stop completely, I'm going to talk to my doc at my next appointment." He did ask his doc for a prescription for benzodiazapenes for withdrawl symptoms, but the doctor wouldn't give them to him...I guess that he didn't feel confident my BF could do it (or would do it) on his own.

I really don't know how much I am willing to put up with, but having no contact is honestly driving me crazy. I at least want some resolution in terms of our relationship, so I can close the door or keep it open, or whatever. I think if I don't hear from him in the next couple of days, I will probably end up calling him, just to see where we stand.

This is so hard, and I thank you for your words and kindness. So many people warned me about the perils of relationships with alcoholics, and from reading this board, I know how lucky I am to have been with a man who isn't abusive, and I have been fortunate not to live through the nightmares that so many others do. But it is equally heartbreaking for me to know that alcohol can come so firmly between me and the love of my life :(

All I can tell you is this, from my own experience. My first husband and I were dating, and had been going round and round with the alcohol issure for quite awhile. He was 21, I was a couple of years older. A co-worker gave me a copy of the BB. I read the book and gave it to him. He thought it was interesting, wanted to try on his own to quit.

Of course, that didn't work out, so he finally agreed to go to an AA meeting (I went with him). He thought the people were nice, but he still thought he could do it himself.

A few months later, I was at the end of my rope, and I said, "I need to take a break from this because it is making me crazy. I want us to not see each other for awhile. Maybe we will get back together, maybe not, but I can't take this right now."

A short time later he went, on his own, to an AA meeting. He never drank again, and that was 31 years ago.

OTOH, my second husband went back to drinking shortly after our marriage (we married during a sober interval, when he was in AA and I was overly optimistic because of my first husband's success). Number two (lol, no pun intended) is still, to this day, I believe, drinking himself to death (he'd almost died of liver failure before we got married).

So. Apparently my first husband was ready to stop destroying himself, my second husband was not. *shrug* I don't think there was anything magical I did, either time, with the possible exception of handing the BB to my first husband, who was ready to hear the message of hope.

Alcoholics have totally screwed up thinking. When we are drinking, we can see no way out, no way we can imagine living without alcohol. It has us tightly around the throat. People can tell us what to do to recover, but until we are desperate enough to do ANYTHING to make it stop, it's really just going to go in one ear and out the other. All we can see is that alcohol seems necessary for survival. And anyone who interferes in that gets resented and blamed. It is neither fair, nor reasonable, but it is a fact.

If I were you, I would operate on the assumption, until and unless proven otherwise, that he is not presently at the point where he wants to be sober more than he wants to continue to drink.

Thanks again Lexie. I guess I am hoping/feeling/believing that my partner is more like your first husband, rather than your second. Though at this moment in time, it seems like he is really wavering between the two.

I guess this is, still and again, where I get stuck...if my presence or absence makes no difference in his life; that is, if I am powerless to control his addiction, why is contacting him, letting him know that I do care, such a bad idea?

I suppose I am being dogmatic about it, but also hoping that my absence will hurry his elevator to the bottom. Though still fearful that my absence will let his elevator crash six feet below :(

I guess I am realizing that *I* am not yet at my bottom with him or our relationship. He really is the love of my life, and I can't imagine being without him. One interminable day at a time, I guess...

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experience. You really helped me find some clarity around the situation.

I think it means that:
1. The consequence of losing you isn't really losing you - you're still 'there', still helping him stopping reaching his bottom. You're not really all that absent if you're still in contact, are you?

2. Contacting him isn't so much bad for him as bad for YOU. No Contact helps you clear your mind of the manipulation, hels you to re focus on you, your needs and your recovery without the drama and distraction an A brings. You're hurt he still chooses alcohol over you. Maintain contact and that hurt will keep on happening every time. Why cause yourself that pain? Stop sticking your hand into the flame and give yourself some time to heal...

In both situations, I let the alcoholic know that I loved them and cared what happened to them. I stressed that I needed to step away for my own well-being.

I still care for (heck, I would say love because he is a lovable person) my second husband. But when he would call me, which he did once a year or so up until about four years ago, I would politely cut the conversation short, each time telling him to take care of himself. My staying or leaving had no effect whatsoever on his readiness to quit.

I know it's tough, and you are doing the best you can. That's all any of us can do.

I really, really get everything you're saying and like you am sitting, waiting, trying one hour at a time to keep afloat. I left my H and took our 2 very young children with me bc of similar circumstances. Lying etc... In all honesty, I wish he'd done this when we dated or that I'd seen there was a problem bc since the night before our wedding and continuing 8 yrs until now it has been one lie, disappointment etc... after another.

I am so sorry you are hurting and I know where you are coming from. Hang in there!

Thanks again to all
 

Well, after a long period of soul-searching, I decided to call him. He is still drinking, and realizing that he can't do it alone, which is good. He is going to see a doctor and counselor a couple days a week. And thinking about antabuse, which sounds like a good piece of a larger plan. So, still one day at a time, though now that we have at least communicated, I feel a little more "whole" in my heart. Don't quite want to have hope yet, but am at least not feeling completely despairing.

So thank you again for sharing all of your thoughts and experiences. I am sure that I will be returning to this board many many times over.

You may not realize it yet, but you are completely "whole" whether or not you communicate with him, whether or not he sees a counselor, whether or not he gets sober. That is the essence of recovery. It a a process of learning that other people have their own path to travel, and I have mine. Sometimes those paths cross, sometimes they even merge, but they are still separate and unique.

My life and my journey are complete no matter what anyone else does with theirs. It's a profound and empowering realization to embrace.

L

this is why it's so hard

Get Your ANGRIES Out

I too thought my absence from my ex would make him think. It never did!

He's so dead inside, when I didn't contact him, he would not contact me, even when it was him who did something so wrong.

Addicts pretty much are just so emotionally vacant

I needed the space of NC to get my head around the situation. And I journaled through that time. I look back and think, wow, I thought I was ready to move on, I thought I was healed, but geez, I needed that time. And still do, which is why I'm still taking my time and my divorce has been final for 4 months.

Looking back with the clarity of time changes things a lot. Getting away from the crazy: Huge.

I don't know if me leaving made him hit bottom. I hear that it might have. But I have moved on, and have no space in my life now for someone who lies and hurts me.

Thanks again all
 

For sharing your experience. I think you are all right that NC is key for getting space, finding your bearings, and grounding yourself.

DMC: journaling has been HUGELY important for me. As I look back over the past year of notes, it is amazing how much of a cycle it is for me, and for him...drink, drink, talk about it, cut down, increase, drunk, talk about it, lather, rinse, repeat.

SP: I have to say that in my case, my absence from my BF does seem to make a difference. When the poop hits the fan, and I am out of his life, there is progress for me on where I stand in our relationship, and progress on his part in drinking (or not). Although, since we're still dealing with it, how much progress has really been made? I would say for me, there's been A LOT more clarity. And for him, even, I think there's been a lot...he IS seeing a counselor, working on a treatment plan, etc. A year ago, he still shuddered at the thought of calling himself an "alcoholic." So, I guess it's fair to call that progress.

And thanks LTD for the argument about being "whole" without him. I guess that is something that I have a tough time with in this relationship. I meant it in more of a normal, romantic way, but I definitely get what you mean about being "whole" on your own. I don't like term "soul mate" because I think it's cheesy and over-used, but since I can't come up with anything better, I guess that is how I feel about him, and how he feels about me. I guess what I meant was that feeling you have when you are in love, and you are just *that* much more complete...if that makes any sense?

But, as many people will point out, nothing with an A is normal, and you're always sort of dealing with jekyll and hyde, so who really knows? I guess that for today, all I can do is be aware of what I'm facing and take care of myself as best I can, so I'm going to keep trying to do that...

Alcoholics don't have the capacity to give back as you or I do. All that emotional space is taken up or dulled by the drinking. Not that he doesn't love you, that part of him just isn't available to function as you need it to. When I start to struggle with trying to make sense of why they do what they do, I get some good feedback from friends who are recovered (either from drinking or addiction). It is that 'insider perspective' that helps me the most.

What they all tell me is to not take the inconsistent, confusing things personally. But that is easier said than done when you are sitting there with very strong feelings for this person and trying to understand the connection you share. It is like holding the healthy good things of the relationship and wondering why anyone in their right mind would put that down and walk away. In my worst moments I vent about the RABF 'screwing this up!!', meaning, he is mucking up something which could be great if only...... that is where we get trapped, it isn't about the potential you see in him, it is about what he is doing to you now that matters.

It hurts, is confusing and he is avoiding you. All that other stuff you gotta leave alone; his recovery, his intentions, motives, his drinking,... all that is about him. Only he can work with that.

Trust me in that I could have written your post but the only true advice I can give is to try to detach for your benefit. I prefer the whole detaching thing as opposed to no contact but detaching isn't easy. In my head I just imagine I am putting down this chaotic bowl of emotions he and I share and stepping away until he is in a better space to deal with it. It may or may not happen. For someone who is actively drinking though, that may be a long wait :(

Thanks BB. You are totally right that ONLY HE can deal with his drinking, recovery, etc. We have talked since I originally posted, and he has increased the frequency of his MD/counsellor visits, and is working towards getting on Antabuse. So, that gives me some hope that he is seeing he needs more help and is getting it, and is more serious about recovery than he has been in the past. (Of course, I take all of his attempts at recovery with a huge rock of salt!)

I thank you also for your point about detaching versus no contact: that is a really helpful distinction, and I can see how each is helpful, depending on the situation. I guess that time apart has let me detach, rather than be "NC." My brain is completely detached and sees very little hope for the relationship, while my heart is still so in love with this man who is the love of my life. I guess the great thing about being detached is that, even though heart and brain are on totally different pages, I do feel much more grounded in each, and it feels like the heart is letting the brain speak more, and keeping my heart safe, for now.

I guess the hard thing is that I COMPLETELY agree that alcoholics, in general, don't have the capacity to give in the way that non-As do. And, as you said, there is a lot of frustration around potential vs. reality. BUT, my BF has been unbelievably good and supportive and "there" for me, even despite his drinking. Since we have been together, I have learned to value my SELF (HUGE!!!), my body, and UN-learned a lot of messed up things from my childhood (physical, verbal, sexual abuse). Plus, made a great job change and gotten in to the top program in my field. Yes, because I did it for myself, but I honestly don't think I could have done it without him. He really is an amazing and beautiful man. And really is the love of my life, we are like peas in a pod. He's my best friend, and the best friend that I've ever had. And I have been blessed to have some pretty great friends. And so happy to be connecting with so many others here on SR :)

I hear he is all those things to you. And he sounds like a good man but a good man with a very serious problem. Again, I will only speak for myself when I say there was some denial on my part about how self destructive alcoholism is. From time to time I do a reality check and remind myself why getting caught up in my feelings and fantasy isn't healthy for either one of us. It places expectations on him he cannot possibly meet and sets me up for disappointment after disappointment.

I will challenge you with this .. You said "he has been there for you, despite his drinking". He really hasn't. Not the him that is sober at least, unless you knew him sober (don't know your history actually so I am surmising only from your post that the person you are in love with is the man who drinks). So that is something to have in the back of your mind. The sober person you haven't actually met yet. Not saying he is worse or better but you have been who you are this whole time. He has been who he is while drinking. There is a big difference.

I'm not trying to diminish your hope, I just know that my own level of denial often makes me see things as I want them to be, not as they really are.

When I was learning English (not my native language) they taught us sayings and I remember "don't put all your eggs in one basket" (or something like that)


My BF has been unbelievably good and supportive and "there" for me, even despite his drinking.

What helped me -helps me- feel better is to approach many people who are good and supportive and truly there for me. The ones that don't have a Mr Hyde lingering or hiding anywhere.

I hope you can look for real life support other than the BF.

People come and go in our lives and clinging to one as my life depended on it has always brought me down to my knees in pain (or more like: to the floor in a fetal position).

I am learning The One I can trust now is myself. And also I believe anyone with an active addiction: be it to alcohol, drugs, sex, TV, food, cigarettes, videogames, anime or whatever, is NOT someone I can truly trust. Just my experience so far and what I am learning these days. That I need healthy people around me. Radiantly healthy, to set me an example and make me realize Yes There is a New Way of living that has Nothing to do with Addiction, Walking on Eggshells, Today-I-Love-You-And-Tomorrow-You-Are-My-Worst-Enemy, drama, lies, "maybe tomorrow a miracle happens", fantasies, wishful thinking, etc etc.

Why is no contact so hard?

Because somewhere somehow we learned the other one held the key to our happiness and to all good things and its difficult to "unlearn" the toxic pattern that often runs in the family (codependency)

Why is it necessary?

Because only in NC can you gain clarity and perspective which in my humble view, are the doors to everything else that is good that comes from an experience like this (hitting the "codependency bottom")

Very proud of myself-haven't seen him in 4 weeks, no phone contact, no e-mails..
And since last Weds I have had 2 e-mails from him (including 1 this am) that I HAVE NOT responded to....
I usually would respond to anything relating to him immediately..

This is a huge positive step for me.

WTG!!

What else are you doing to help yourself?

Yup - I am three weeks in now and there has been no contact at all. I even have changed my driving routes to as not to see him and left our church (that was the hardest thing to do but necessary for me)

LexieCat-
I am focusing on MY life and the many good things in it.
Still much work to do, but when I start to feel the sadness creeping up on me-I let it, deal with it, and carry on with my day.

Not easy, but necessary...

wow. that makes so much sense.