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When is it Abuse? Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"

When he is so good early on, is he planning to be abusive later?

The abuser doesn't picture himself yelling, degrading her or hurling objects at her. As he falls in love, he dreams of a happy future of conjugal bliss, just as the woman does. He is gazing longingly at the image he holds of the future, where the woman meets all his needs, is beautiful and sexy at all times of the day and night, has no needs of her own, and is in awe of his brilliance and charm. He desires a woman who will cater to him and never complain about anything he does or darken his day with frustrations or unhappiness about her own life. He is largely unaware of these fantasies so his partner has no idea he is looking for morre of a personal caretaker than a partner. In fact, his language tends to be of mutuality during the dating period- I want to be with there for you, etc. He may truly believe his own promises, because he wants to see himself as a generous and thoughtful partner, one who does not use or disrespect women. Later, when he begins to control the woman and take advantage of her, he will find ways to convince himself that it's not happening or that it's her fault. Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has a right to.

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