Taking him to detox on Friday
 

Hello,
I am new here and need your advice please.

My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. I first realised how bad his drinking was very early in the relationship when I moved in with him.

Since then I have been increasingly worried about it. He is the original Jeckly and Hyde....when he is good he is so loving and giving and wonderful to spend time with....but when he drinks.......its another man...one I have come to hate!

He has tried to control it....he was drinking port and beer when I first met him....now it has decreased to just light beer....having said that though....the amount is worse than ever, and the behaviours have escalated- the verbal abuse, the put-downs, arguing with my son all the time.......Finally, 2 weeks ago....I was away visiting family and he went on a bender, decided to drive the car and was caught and charged with DUI.

When I came home, he confessed to me about the DUI and finally agreed with me that he is an alcoholic but also told me that he had contacted a detox centre and was going for help. I was so proud of him and so relieved!!

The last two weeks though have been hell, he has been worse than ever before....skipping work, abusing me, just horrible. Finally I BEGGED him to call the centre and get an earlier admission date. He did it......blaming me all the time, saying that it is all about what I want, not what he wants (he had originally put his entry date at a month away!)

So....this Friday....I am taking him to the centre....Its a 3 week programme, I have been told that may not be long enough....he is terrified and I am scared too....its a 1.5 hour drive to get there and I am scared he will try and talk me out of it...I am scared I will cry and make him feel that he cannot leave me....I am so frightened of doing and saying the wrong thing...I am making myself sick.

Any advice you can give...or experiences you can share...woudl be sooo welcome right now. Thanks for letting me share this with you.

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum.

I understand what it feels like to live with an active alcoholic. I was so confused, I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I was exhausted with trying to prevent the next drunken binge and angry outburst. I was always trying to say and do the right thing to protect everyone from the unacceptable alcoholic behavior.

Unfortunately, I was putting all my energy into trying to control the alcoholic and neglecting myself and my children in the process.

Here at SR I learned about the 3 C's of alcoholism:

I did not CAUSE it
I could not CONTROL it
I would not CURE it

I also found wisdom in those sticky posts at the tops of the forum pages. Here is one of my favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Hi, FG, and welcome!

My suggestion is that you (a) stick to your plan no matter what and (b) get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings.

Don't worry about the length of the program. Three weeks will get him off on a good start, provided he is motivated to stick with it. If he isn't, then four months wouldn't be enough.

You worry about taking care of YOU. Let him and his treatment professionals worry about HIM.

Hugs, and if I were you I'd have a backup plan in place in case he refuses to go on Friday. I.e., a plan to leave. You don't have to (and probably shouldn't) share that with him, but you alluded to his abusing you. Whether that is physical or emotional abuse, it isn't acceptable and you shouldn't have to live in that situation. I suggest you also contact a domestic violence counselor for some help on that.

He's good...from a DUI to getting a pat on the back, just like that...

Welcome to SR, Firegirl. The 3 weeks will go by quickly, believe it or not. Especially if you take the time to focus on yourself and your DS (dear son). However, if you use this 3 weeks to worry about your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) and what he's doing or not doing or what will happen when he gets done with the program, it will be the longest 3-weeks of your life. You can't control whether or not he really works on his recovery, but you can work on your own recovery and take care of yourself and DS.

The following might help:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html

Actually there's a lot of very helpful information in all of the stickies at the top of the forum. Welcome and best wishes.