Anyone else feel jealous?
 

I mean of the "normal" relationships you see all around you? Some examples.. When I go to Lowe's on a Sun. to pick out new paint for the bathroom, go shopping for x-mas presents for the kids etc. (always alone) I actually see COUPLES doing this together, while my AH is home drinking his day off away. When we went to any summertime get together at a friends and everyone else's spouse was enjoying a cocktail "normally", while mine was obviously in some sort of race to pound a beer every 5 minutes? When we went to my favorite restaurant for our anniversary (BYOB) and I ordered a coke while my AH polished off an entire bottle of wine by himself, stumbled out of the restaurant, got pi**ed when I said "I'll drive" then went home and passed out on the couch by 9pm. (Happy Anniversary to me, thanks) Just can't help feeling jealous of other couples out in public when I know I don't have that and that's all I wanted. Sorry for going on and on. Just wondering if I'm alone in this feeling.

corkel, you are definitely NOT alone...

You are not alone. I don't really feel jealous exactly. I can't explain it. It sort of like looking at a life that is surreal or something.

Anyway - I feel it a lot when I go to games for the kids, or see families being happy and doing things together, or couples sharing secrets in a crowd.

I used too, but now I just get sad.

My ex and I didn't live together, but we did a lot of "normal couples" things. We would always be out doing fun things together. My ex was really fun to go out with.
So don't be fooled, even when you see other couples out doing fun things, there is always things you don't see as well.
Truly, every couple has their issues. No one is immune to troubles.

It's a mixed bag of emotions and all of them aren't positive.

Well, maybe there's a nugget of hope in there somewhere that I too, will experience what they're experiencing.

Oh heck to the yeah! I've cried at kids' events because I've seen all those other couples where both parents are there supporting their children; I've cried in church because other kids had both their parents there; I've cried when I've seen couples walking in the mall.

I remind myself that post-alcoholic marriage, I can have that.

This.

I was part of one of those "other couples".

We'd got to Home Depot all the time to pick up things HE wanted for the apartment. He always insisted I had to be next to him 100% of the time, so he refused to go alone.
When we went to dinner he wouldn't order a drink at all (or occasionally one shot of Seagram's Seven or Sambucca). Sometimes we even enjoyed dinner (when he wasn't already drunk when we arrived). Most times you couldn't tell he was an alcoholic, although there were a few really nice dinners that we went to where it was obvious. (I drove, he didn't eat anything, lectured me the whole time, etc.)
There was the nice bus tour we went on where he berated me all lunch, but nobody except the people at our table noticed. Everyone was telling me what a nice couple we were.

I guess in short, appearances can be deceiving. I think everyone longs for a "normal" relationship... What we view as normal from the outside looking in depends upon what we were stuck in.

ALL the time. That was one of the saddest parts of my marriage, and one of the most liberating parts of my divorce. I do feel like those happily married people are from a different planet.

I was having lunch with friends and they were complaining about how their husbands always wanted to snuggle on the couch or hold hands, or God forbid...have SEX. Didn't the husbands understand how EXHAUSTED their wives were?

And no one knew my issues, but I just started crying and said "but he LOVES you, and when someone loves you and wants to be with you, you can't imagine how lucky you are." (these are husbands w/o significant issues. besides just being male and all that comes along with that.:a213:)

So yes. any time I saw a couple relating normally, a wife being unafraid to say something sharp to her husband (I don't condone it, but there was no safety in my home to slip up), a couple enjoying each other's company, I was jealous.

Even parties became agonizing. This thread has brought a lot of things into focus for me.:tyou

It is true that, as a friend of mine says, everyone's carrying a bag of s**t and if they were transparent, we wouldn't want to trade with each other. You never know what other people are carrying. But I knew that what I was carrying, I wanted to offload in the worst way so that at least I could have a free hand to carry something else.

I recently told a friend "We are ALL f*$ked up. Every one of us in this world." Even a couple I know who seems to have a wonderful, loving relationship and tons of money to enjoy it has control issues. He is a work-a-holic and she shops like crazy and even though they are kind and sweet to each other...they have issues.

I have been lucky enough to have affectionate, fun and loving relationships with the last two men I've been involved with. I think a lot of people looked at us and thought "I so wish I had that" But you know what, they really didn't. I guarantee it.

It isn't so much that I want to be that person. It isn't really about the other person.

I still want that dream in my head. The one where families are together, kids have both parents, couples have secrets (the good kind), families laugh together and share a life.

It isn't that I'm jealous of Sue and Bob specifically or that I think they are perfect. It is just a reminder of the dream in my head - the one I had to let go. And it stings. I think it is a tremendous sense of loss that I feel, not jealousy. I'm not sure how to move past it. The trick is to somehow change the dream in my head - change it to something that is attainable - or to what I already have. I'm not there yet.

Oh yeah.

My son was invited to a playdate at the home of one of the boys he goes to Gifted/Talented classes with. I knew they lived in a "tottier" part of town but....

When I got there I felt about 2 inches tall. I pull up in my dusty, dirty, loud Toyota to park in front of their 4 car garage. Their house was bigger than my entire apartment building. Hell, their cloakroom was larger than my bedroom. House immaculate, of course. Enormous living room, large fireplace, everything was stunning. Handsome husband reading the paper calmly in the living room.

Right then, I hated the financial and emotional position that having been attached to an alkie had put me in. The mom was as nice as can be and her kids were total cuties but I felt so jealous.

I do the best with what I have but my kids go to kinda of a high-end school district even though we are surely NOT in the high-end tax bracket. They see a lot of affluence around them and I don't anticipate that I will ever be able to afford the kinds of things their friends have. I know money isn't everything, but it sure is something....

Bunnypoo!

Maybe you were watching me and exah.
I always drove to Lowe's as he always had 3 or 4 shots of whisky first. I hated shopping, I admit. He had to convince me to go. Maybe, just maybe...I didn't like shopping with him because he was always already intoxicated?

My exah told everybody how much he loved me. He would put his arm around me and say how lucky he was. He made sure everybody knew he felt this way, whether he was currently sober or drunk.
We DID look like the perfect couple. Amazing smiles and dreaming in each other's eyes. Dancing at the nicest places. He took me out to eat at very good restaurants often.
But Jeckle and Hyde...
he absolutely refused to discuss any issues.

I get what you're saying about not knowing what's going on behind the happy curtain.

Could be worse than what you've got at home, right? That was actually something I told myself as a reason to STAY with my EX. I figured if I could cope with his alcoholism, then I pretty much had a handle on his baggage, and mine, and I wouldn't have to go out there hoping to hit the jackpot with someone else's baggage.

Actually, the couples I'm jealous of are the little old rickety ones that are out there shopping together. They chatter to each other or just smile at you as you pass by. I saw a pair one day pass through the craft section and the little old man handed his lady love a bright pink silk rose. She smiled and patted his cheek. He put it in the cart. True story. I had this huge grin and tears rolling down my face as I shopped after that. I must have looked like crazy person. That's the love I envy. When all the baggage is behind you and it's just the two of you accepting each other as you are.

One day, Alice. One day.

Great thread!

To all intents and purposes, had you looked at me and my ex you would have thought we were great..we weren't..

I'm with Alice on the old couple still smiling at each other, still holding hands occasionally, still driving each other crazy sometimes, still having the odd argument about the other's habit of leaving wet towels on the bed etc. Real, human, running the gamut but in a healthy way.

That old couple...that's probably when I'll get it right. I wonder what it's like to find peace and harmony at 80. Some guy picking me up with his "walker" and sharing a ride.

This thread makes me so very sad. No, we rarely go anywhere and when we do I drive. I have made it a point to stay out of situations where he will be drinking, family gatherings, etc. and I appear to be anti-social because of this, and maybe I have become that way. It's dicey to even grocery shop with someone who is 'impaired' as it always winds up in a fight about something or another.
I used to love spending time with him, before the booze got out of control. We used to go out, we'd both have a couple of beers, it didn't seem to be an issue then. It took me years to accept that he had a problem stopping.
He would look at couples having dinner who wouldn't even speak to one another and comment how sad that was, and how we would never be that way and now, here we are, if we do go out, more often than not, he's got his buzz on and our conversation at dinner will be stilted at best, since one never knows what will set him off and for some reason, dinner time is the time he chooses to start up with me.
I am envious of those happy looking couples, because it used to be US, and I'd bet people used to look at us, at how happy we seemed and be envious of US, back then.

I'm just grateful to have my nads outta her purse, and back in my wranglers where they belong. Thanks HP. :c031:

Oh, and NO on the jealous thing.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Thanks for all the replies! If anyone doesn't mind, I'd like to share a story. My best friend just passed away on 10/3/2010. We were friends for 24 yrs. She was diagnosed with a very rare form of leukemia about 20 months ago and was given 3-5 yrs. She lasted 16 months. She was with her husband for 30 yrs. married for 25 of them. (they celebrated their 25th anniversary a week before she passed) Throughout their entire marriage, they struggled financially, lived in a bad neighborhood in the inner city, drove beat-up cars and had a son that battled drug addiction. Never, and I mean never have I seen a couple so in love and kind to each other. Over the years, they would come from Pa. to my home in NJ for a weekend in the summer. My nice home with the new furniture, new car etc. She never said it to me, but I could tell everytime they came that she thought I "had it all". Ever dream about what you would do if you won the lottery? They were always one of the first people on my list, how i'd buy them a new house somewhere, new cars etc. because they were truly the nicest friends i'd ever had and so deserving. Her husband has been a mess since her death and I call him weekly to check -up on him. Jan. 15th was her birthday. I called him that morning because I knew it would be a rough day for him. We wound up talking for nearly 3 hrs. and both sobbing. He told me that at the end of her illness he would have to carry her up the stairs to use the bathroom, and carry her up and down the stairs in the morning and again at night to get to bed, because she couldn't do the stairs herself. He never once complained. While crying to me on her birthday, he said, I miss my wife so much, I just want her back, I would carry her up the stairs a thousand times a day if I could just have her back. He told me how hard it was and how many times he cried at work because he happens to work at the hospital she died at. He always calls her his best friend. Well, during that phonecall, it hit me, I was dreaming all these years about helping them financially, thinking then they would have it all, and they already did. They sure did. They had real, pure love for each other. I broke down crying when I talked to him on the 15th, I told him exactly what I just told you, and how much I admired their marriage all these years. He went on to tell me how no one ever said out loud that they admired their marriage and he felt so proud to hear it. He told me how much his wife cherished our friendship all these years in case I didn't know. I already knew. I shared with him the guilt I felt when my friend was first diagnosed and I was not a donor match. (Ah, the codie in me thinks I could save the world) Guess my whole point of sharing this is that I know that real love exists in this screwed up world. I just haven't experienced it yet.

Coyote, don't know what you do for a living, but you should be a comedian or an author or both! You crack me up! I needed the chuckle.

Corkel,

Thanks for your honesty. It REALLY hit me in a certain way... not that I feel jealous really, but lately I've just felt as if I'm between a rock and a hard place--so it's more frustration. My AH is not ready to surrender. I'm sick of being the sidekick (designated driver/go-along/etc.) So... if he wants to have "fun" he just goes for it. If I want to have "fun" I'm still the person at the reins riding the wild horse. Not fun.

I agree that if two people are more in sync with their values and their behavior, they're probably better off. I don't really think that assumptions about the couple next door are valid because I know for a fact that when it comes to suffering, pick your poison--we all are subject to it. And we REALLY don't know what our neighbors are experiencing. Your friends, as wonderful as their love was, certainly had an incredible amount of suffering to endure.

I just read an interesting quote that suffering is refusal to accept what is. At Al-Anon we discussed the difference between pain and suffering, and we couldn't really figure it out--but then I found that quote.

So, would I like to have an husband with whom I could just have a couple of drinks at the local wine bar on a Friday night? That would be awesome. But I don't.

Fun for me right now is realizing the wonder of whatever moment I am seizing. Right now, I suspect AH is out having a few with his buddies. I'm at home alone, working on a report. Seems a bit unfair, but it doesn't matter. I am looking out my window at the beauty of the snow. He's fighting his demons at a bar. And who knows what my neighbors are up to. But it doesn't matter--because I have the beauty of the snow.

So, I didn't think I was jealous, I still don't think I am. What I didn't recognize, which I do now, is the sense of loss that I feel. I have never truly had that relationship with someone. I thought it was, in the beginning, with my XAH, but I was just young and didn't recognize the alcoholism. I just thought he was.....eccentric? I feel right now, just reading this thread, so very sad. I am happy that I am out of that disfunctional relationship, but now I feel very, very sad.
M

Are you trying to make me cry?

After being "pampered" financially in an addictive dysfunctional marriage, this above speaks to me.

I totally get that and I cried reading this thread and posting my response. It is such a sense of loss. A loss of not just the relationship I had, but the dream I wanted and I couldn't put my finger on what else it was. It was a loss of something more and I think your words I have never truly had that relationship with someone. shed some light on it. That is true for me too and I feel a loss of hope that I can ever have that. That it just is not something I was meant to have in this life. I know that isn't really logical but it is a powerful feeling.

Oh yes, Corkel. I feel envy when I see "normal" couples. I miss miss all that togetherness. I used to have that. I had it for over 20 years until my husband started drinking.

It took me many more years to realize that my partner and best friend were gone and not coming back.

I really think I'm wistful, not jealous. You know, "I want that" without the green-eyed monster aspect... (Does that make sense?)

And it's not usually when couples are all lovey-dovey (that kind of makes me roll my eyes right now ;)) - it's watching couples disagree or argue without one of them resorting to intimidation or name calling or blaming the problem on some one being frigid because 'that's the only problem with this marriage'; it's watching them be able to reach a point where they either agree, or compromise, or agree to disagree and let it go.

I want that. I want to be able disagree with some one without being afraid; I want some one who will listen to my side of the argument, and respect what I have to say even if they see the issue in a completely different manner.

I don't think I'm jealous but seeing those couples makes me sad at the choices I've made. I feel like I've lost time that I could have been in a better situation and focused on other things such as buying a new house together or fixing up a house, decorating - those would be our biggest problems.

Of course when we were dating, other couples like what are you describing (and my ex called boring) envied us because they thought we were having so much fun and living it up. Makes me wonder if we always think the grass is greener elsewhere.

I'm sorry! I didn't intend on making anyone sad with my story. A lot of us are already sad enough I know. Just mourning the loss of my best friend and dealing with AH makes my head want to explode. Just writing it out I guess.