Thanks for all the replies! If anyone doesn't mind, I'd like to share a story. My best friend just passed away on 10/3/2010. We were friends for 24 yrs. She was diagnosed with a very rare form of leukemia about 20 months ago and was given 3-5 yrs. She lasted 16 months. She was with her husband for 30 yrs. married for 25 of them. (they celebrated their 25th anniversary a week before she passed) Throughout their entire marriage, they struggled financially, lived in a bad neighborhood in the inner city, drove beat-up cars and had a son that battled drug addiction. Never, and I mean never have I seen a couple so in love and kind to each other. Over the years, they would come from Pa. to my home in NJ for a weekend in the summer. My nice home with the new furniture, new car etc. She never said it to me, but I could tell everytime they came that she thought I "had it all". Ever dream about what you would do if you won the lottery? They were always one of the first people on my list, how i'd buy them a new house somewhere, new cars etc. because they were truly the nicest friends i'd ever had and so deserving. Her husband has been a mess since her death and I call him weekly to check -up on him. Jan. 15th was her birthday. I called him that morning because I knew it would be a rough day for him. We wound up talking for nearly 3 hrs. and both sobbing. He told me that at the end of her illness he would have to carry her up the stairs to use the bathroom, and carry her up and down the stairs in the morning and again at night to get to bed, because she couldn't do the stairs herself. He never once complained. While crying to me on her birthday, he said, I miss my wife so much, I just want her back, I would carry her up the stairs a thousand times a day if I could just have her back. He told me how hard it was and how many times he cried at work because he happens to work at the hospital she died at. He always calls her his best friend. Well, during that phonecall, it hit me, I was dreaming all these years about helping them financially, thinking then they would have it all, and they already did. They sure did. They had real, pure love for each other. I broke down crying when I talked to him on the 15th, I told him exactly what I just told you, and how much I admired their marriage all these years. He went on to tell me how no one ever said out loud that they admired their marriage and he felt so proud to hear it. He told me how much his wife cherished our friendship all these years in case I didn't know. I already knew. I shared with him the guilt I felt when my friend was first diagnosed and I was not a donor match. (Ah, the codie in me thinks I could save the world) Guess my whole point of sharing this is that I know that real love exists in this screwed up world. I just haven't experienced it yet.

Coyote, don't know what you do for a living, but you should be a comedian or an author or both! You crack me up! I needed the chuckle.

Corkel,

Thanks for your honesty. It REALLY hit me in a certain way... not that I feel jealous really, but lately I've just felt as if I'm between a rock and a hard place--so it's more frustration. My AH is not ready to surrender. I'm sick of being the sidekick (designated driver/go-along/etc.) So... if he wants to have "fun" he just goes for it. If I want to have "fun" I'm still the person at the reins riding the wild horse. Not fun.

I agree that if two people are more in sync with their values and their behavior, they're probably better off. I don't really think that assumptions about the couple next door are valid because I know for a fact that when it comes to suffering, pick your poison--we all are subject to it. And we REALLY don't know what our neighbors are experiencing. Your friends, as wonderful as their love was, certainly had an incredible amount of suffering to endure.

I just read an interesting quote that suffering is refusal to accept what is. At Al-Anon we discussed the difference between pain and suffering, and we couldn't really figure it out--but then I found that quote.

So, would I like to have an husband with whom I could just have a couple of drinks at the local wine bar on a Friday night? That would be awesome. But I don't.

Fun for me right now is realizing the wonder of whatever moment I am seizing. Right now, I suspect AH is out having a few with his buddies. I'm at home alone, working on a report. Seems a bit unfair, but it doesn't matter. I am looking out my window at the beauty of the snow. He's fighting his demons at a bar. And who knows what my neighbors are up to. But it doesn't matter--because I have the beauty of the snow.

So, I didn't think I was jealous, I still don't think I am. What I didn't recognize, which I do now, is the sense of loss that I feel. I have never truly had that relationship with someone. I thought it was, in the beginning, with my XAH, but I was just young and didn't recognize the alcoholism. I just thought he was.....eccentric? I feel right now, just reading this thread, so very sad. I am happy that I am out of that disfunctional relationship, but now I feel very, very sad.
M

Are you trying to make me cry?

After being "pampered" financially in an addictive dysfunctional marriage, this above speaks to me.

I totally get that and I cried reading this thread and posting my response. It is such a sense of loss. A loss of not just the relationship I had, but the dream I wanted and I couldn't put my finger on what else it was. It was a loss of something more and I think your words I have never truly had that relationship with someone. shed some light on it. That is true for me too and I feel a loss of hope that I can ever have that. That it just is not something I was meant to have in this life. I know that isn't really logical but it is a powerful feeling.

Oh yes, Corkel. I feel envy when I see "normal" couples. I miss miss all that togetherness. I used to have that. I had it for over 20 years until my husband started drinking.

It took me many more years to realize that my partner and best friend were gone and not coming back.

I really think I'm wistful, not jealous. You know, "I want that" without the green-eyed monster aspect... (Does that make sense?)

And it's not usually when couples are all lovey-dovey (that kind of makes me roll my eyes right now ;)) - it's watching couples disagree or argue without one of them resorting to intimidation or name calling or blaming the problem on some one being frigid because 'that's the only problem with this marriage'; it's watching them be able to reach a point where they either agree, or compromise, or agree to disagree and let it go.

I want that. I want to be able disagree with some one without being afraid; I want some one who will listen to my side of the argument, and respect what I have to say even if they see the issue in a completely different manner.

I don't think I'm jealous but seeing those couples makes me sad at the choices I've made. I feel like I've lost time that I could have been in a better situation and focused on other things such as buying a new house together or fixing up a house, decorating - those would be our biggest problems.

Of course when we were dating, other couples like what are you describing (and my ex called boring) envied us because they thought we were having so much fun and living it up. Makes me wonder if we always think the grass is greener elsewhere.

I'm sorry! I didn't intend on making anyone sad with my story. A lot of us are already sad enough I know. Just mourning the loss of my best friend and dealing with AH makes my head want to explode. Just writing it out I guess.

goldengirl, I think you got it right, don't know if jealous is the right word. I'm also sad and even mad at myself for the choices I've made. I've wasted so much time. But I keep thinking about that old saying.. "When you know better, you do better"

Right on!

My counselor tells me that I need to find "thicker ketchup." I feel like I find thicker ketchup with each relationship, but yet still settle for one level above piece of crap. lol. Hopefully I'll get it right one of these days.

"one level above piece of crap" priceless! I think we just need to have our BS antenna up in the future. It's like they all "trick ya" in the beginning.

There was an episode of Frasier where Niles and Daphne were enamoured with a sweet old couple and looking up to them in the hope that they would be like that in the future. Turns out the old man was married to someone else and the old lady was his other woman. Elderly people aren't free of complication either. ;)

Why wait.. don't you deserve it now? ;-)

Well, maybe the walker is a bit premature.. aim for one with a nice car/bike... lol

Corkel - you just described my grandparents. Until the very end they couldn't even pass each other in the hallway without touching each other. 55 years of marriage. When my grandpa died, alone in the hospital, my grandma couldn't forgive herself. She had gone home to get some sleep and take a shower...and he died while she was gone. She told me that she never questioned that she would be with him some day when he took his last breath. That they were meant to do that together. It broke my heart.

Thank you for the story and for reminding me that not everyone really is F-ed up. I'm just in a bad place today and I appreciate the story of love and hope.

I remember feeling that way when I was with my AH. It seemed so unfair that other people could have what I so desperately wanted, yet I didn't have it.

I'm with you Solo. I don't feel that jealousy anymore because I recognize that other people don't have it so much better than me, they just have something different. And I don't really know what their life is like based on an observation of a few minutes in the grocery store, or wherever.

I'm grateful for the times with my husband that were special and profound. When we had that "connection." I don't feel cheated because it didn't last forever, instead I feel blessed that it ever happened at all. I've come to appreciate all the good I've had in my life, and all the good I have right now. And who knows what the future holds?

One thing I know for sure is that there is nobody on this earth who can "make" me happy. That's my job. :)

L

Envy or jealousy is a complete waste of time for me. No one has the perfect life, relationship, kids, job, etc etc.

My brother sent out a Christmas card with the happiest family photo of his wife and kids in the snow all smiles. Truth is, he moved out, can't stand her and she filed for divorce. He just craves that appearance relationship.

My best friend had the perfect family for 6 years until her 5 year old was diagnosed with cancer and passed away.

As for the old couples, you don't know what they've gone through to get to that point. Maybe lots of hardship.

It is all relative is my point. I try to focus on what I do have.