Recognizing Manipulation
 

...my A is in inpatient rehab right now. Due to his (non-drinking-related) medical conditions he couldn't go to a normal rehab, so the psychologist found a good in-hospital one. The insurance is paying for everything (thank God for small favors) and the only thing he can spend money on in there is quarters for the phone, so we are actually saving a bundle and curbing his spending addiction as well. I'm finally having some time to myself, and I'm getting to know his family, all of which (except his mother) have been extremely supporting and at least fairly open about their own thoughts and experiences.

I have it lucky right now.

Unfortunately, he's still the king of manipulation, and he keeps trying it. He doesn't hall his daughter or sister anymore, because they basically called him a liar.
I especially love the comment he gave his sister in the last phone call with her, "Can't I be the only thing in your life that you worry about for once?" She's got three kids, a drunk husband, a mother-in-law who can't even walk on steps anymore, two jobs, and I won't even begin to get into the rest - but he wants to be the only concern in her life.

Meanwhile, he's given me the list of all the times between sessions where he has free time, so I can be certain to be near the phone then and answer when he calls. He's apparently in until January 15th, and can only spend money on phone calls, but he took $80 out of the ATM yesterday when they took everyone out to the bank. That's an awful lot of phone calls...
He told me this morning that I should be sure to iron his shirts today, so they'll be all ready when he gets out, and started going into a long complaint about how "everyone else here are drug addicts and murderers". He claims that his therapist said that I should be the only one to attend the "family therapy" session over the weekend (if his family isn't going, I'm not going, because I am not going in to see him by myself), and that the head doctor has taken on his case personally, has become his personal friend, and has concluded that he's not really an alcoholic, he was just "self-medicating" due to anxiety and they're going to prescribe him a pill for that.

I guarantee you he hasn't mentioned that he never saw his father sober while growing up, hasn't talked about how he drank heavily even while taking the alprazolam tranquilizer his doctor gave him, hasn't mentioned how estranged his family has become over the years, etc, etc.

I'm having several of his family over at the apartment tomorrow to get together and talk about things... I'm actually looking forward to it, it will be nice to have some noise in this apartment again, and replace the memories of drunken screaming with the sounds of excited children breaking stuff. :lmao

Good Lord. That sounds like a crazy reality he is spinning. Thank God he is in rehab though.

You should definitely consider going to the family counseling over the weekend (if you can) -- you'll get a lot of support from the other family members and counselors and you'lll learn good stuff, too. I came away with a fist-full of business cards -- everyone from counselors to the Director himself who said, "Call anytime." And I did end up calling more than once! If you don't want to be 'alone' with him, there shouldn't be a problem working around that!

Meanwhile, he's given me the list of all the times between sessions where he has free time, so I can be certain to be near the phone then and answer when he calls. He's apparently in until January 15th, and can only spend money on phone calls, but he took $80 out of the ATM yesterday when they took everyone out to the bank. That's an awful lot of phone calls...
He told me this morning that I should be sure to iron his shirts today, so they'll be all ready when he gets out, and started going into a long complaint about how "everyone else here are drug addicts and murderers". He claims that his therapist said that I should be the only one to attend the "family therapy" session over the weekend (if his family isn't going, I'm not going, because I am not going in to see him by myself), and that the head doctor has taken on his case personally, has become his personal friend, and has concluded that he's not really an alcoholic, he was just "self-medicating" due to anxiety and they're going to prescribe him a pill for that.

PFFFTT!!!

lol... Reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes that always drives home what narcissists people can be.... [spoiler alert if you haven't seen This Boy's Life with Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert DeNiro and Ellen Barkin]...the end scene when Leonardo DiCaprio's character and his mother realize they can break out of their oppressive lives and just GO. As they are jumping off the porch and running away in complete joy, Robert DiNiro sits there whining (he was SO great in that role): "What about MEEEE???? What about MEEE? When is it ever Dwight's turn for some consideration? What about ME?"

So HE is telling you the doctor has concluded he isn't an alcoholic. Not the words of the actual doctor, right? I assume if they thought there wasn't a problem, they would have released him.

Good luck with the upcoming weeks!

My alcoholic sister has done this many, many, many times. She's "not as bad" as the others. She is the victim. Everyone else is against her. She isn't that bad. Blah blah blah. I let it go in one ear and out the other: all justification to stay drunk, all attempts at manipulation.

Hang in there...stay strong!

Please my friend - I mean no disrespect to you, to the rehab or the drs - even to your AH - but from my experience the stuff that your AH is saying is . . .

QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds exactly what the active disease does to many of them.

If you will take a moment to visit with members here who have walked that path, who are recoverying alcoholics/addicts ~ you will hear a touch of remorse, a lot of true humility, a ton of gratitude and a great deal of appreciation for the Grace given to them to be living a different life.

I haven't heard a lot of "victim" mentality, blaming of others, or better than thou attitude -

Not saying that your AH is completely that way - I'm just saying that this is what I hear and see from those that I have seen thoroughly dedicated to changing their lives to a healthier and sanier way of life.

I know that the help I have received from attending meetings and family support groups have helped me tremendously - I believe it may would help you also - hopefully you can seek that for yourself.

After all, YOU deserve to be Happy, Joyous and Free from Pain, Sadness and Insanity - regardless of the choices he makes.

PINK HUGS to you,
Rita

My AW does the same darn thing: "Everyone is against me" & "I'm not so bad"....yada, yada, yada. It's just a way to keep from dealing with the real issues. The best way that I've found for me to deal with it is just to detach.

The Dr. has become a "personal friend"..he says he's been self-medicating and needs anti-anxiety meds..next thing the Dr. will supposedly say is that he can drink in moderation..I call buls@$t!Read up a little on narcissim...yowza.
BUT I would go to the meeting because the Dr. may actually want to get some sane info from YOU..wouldn't that be helpful!

It isn't the quacking about how he's not a real alcoholic that gets me. I mean, that's just normal for an addict. It's the fact that he tells you to iron his shirts and be near the phone at certain times so you won't miss his call. Sorry, the guy is a Class A jerk and you deserve better. Let him get a maid or a personal valet to iron his crummy shirts. Sheesh!

Where's that article (post ) on 'terminal uniqueness'?

This is an AWESOME article.... Addiction, Lies and Relationships

please for everyone in your "family/and friends" go to AL ANON....if one does not seem right, please find another.....

Yep, I thought so too, but it might be too easy to diagnose on the forum. But the doctor being his friend, and saying he doesnt need to be there? That is complete BS, why isnt he home yet, and give the bed to someone who needs it?
Please talk to the doctor......alone.
If he doesnt want that, ask the doctor directly.

beth

LOL! So much meaning in one little onomonopia! Love it!


So much wisdom and love on this board!!! You got some great replies.

I did want to add my input about the family sessions. I have been to one and feel it was very beneficial for me. It isn't as if you are expected to go in and say "I'm ready to work this out." It's more of a chance for you to express your feelings in a safe place - a chance to find some closure if that is what you are looking for. Based on my experience, I recommend it. When I went, we were given time to express our feelings (fears, concerns, angers) without our partner being able to speak. We took a break and when we came back, we were given then chance to ask a question and our partner had to answer.

The overall session was a chance for our partner to not only hear OUR feelings but those of all the other clients' family members. We were encouraged to comment and contribute throughout the conversation...the family members, NOT the partners. At any given time through the session, you could see people nodding and crying at what other family members were saying. I left feeling lighter and I know other people did, too.

Just my .02. I'm going to steal a phrase from Cyranoak...take what you want and leave the rest. (You are such a wise man, Cyranoak).

Do you have a plan for when he gets out?

I was going to post that when XAH went into in-patient treatment, he didn't have time to call, that he didn't have much free time, but I just realized who he was probably calling in his free time.....

Will move on to: XAH's attitude was "every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't see it." He didn't get a whole lot out of the treatment other than medical attention while he detoxed. I'm kind of getting the same vibe here.... I agree with SKW that the family sessions may be very helpful for you regardless of his state of mind towards treatment.

when he gets out he'll be sober enough to iron his own damn shirts.

sorry.
that one stuck in my craw.

well, you said yourself you're 'well'.....
well people iron their own shirts.