Blogs


Notices

Recognizing Manipulation

Old 12-29-2010, 10:10 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Recognizing Manipulation

...my A is in inpatient rehab right now. Due to his (non-drinking-related) medical conditions he couldn't go to a normal rehab, so the psychologist found a good in-hospital one. The insurance is paying for everything (thank God for small favors) and the only thing he can spend money on in there is quarters for the phone, so we are actually saving a bundle and curbing his spending addiction as well. I'm finally having some time to myself, and I'm getting to know his family, all of which (except his mother) have been extremely supporting and at least fairly open about their own thoughts and experiences.

I have it lucky right now.

Unfortunately, he's still the king of manipulation, and he keeps trying it. He doesn't hall his daughter or sister anymore, because they basically called him a liar.
I especially love the comment he gave his sister in the last phone call with her, "Can't I be the only thing in your life that you worry about for once?" She's got three kids, a drunk husband, a mother-in-law who can't even walk on steps anymore, two jobs, and I won't even begin to get into the rest - but he wants to be the only concern in her life.

Meanwhile, he's given me the list of all the times between sessions where he has free time, so I can be certain to be near the phone then and answer when he calls. He's apparently in until January 15th, and can only spend money on phone calls, but he took $80 out of the ATM yesterday when they took everyone out to the bank. That's an awful lot of phone calls...
He told me this morning that I should be sure to iron his shirts today, so they'll be all ready when he gets out, and started going into a long complaint about how "everyone else here are drug addicts and murderers". He claims that his therapist said that I should be the only one to attend the "family therapy" session over the weekend (if his family isn't going, I'm not going, because I am not going in to see him by myself), and that the head doctor has taken on his case personally, has become his personal friend, and has concluded that he's not really an alcoholic, he was just "self-medicating" due to anxiety and they're going to prescribe him a pill for that.

I guarantee you he hasn't mentioned that he never saw his father sober while growing up, hasn't talked about how he drank heavily even while taking the alprazolam tranquilizer his doctor gave him, hasn't mentioned how estranged his family has become over the years, etc, etc.

I'm having several of his family over at the apartment tomorrow to get together and talk about things... I'm actually looking forward to it, it will be nice to have some noise in this apartment again, and replace the memories of drunken screaming with the sounds of excited children breaking stuff.
StarCat is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to StarCat For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (12-29-2010), bookwyrm (12-29-2010), grateful101010 (12-29-2010), keepinon (12-29-2010), lillamy (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), posiesperson (12-29-2010), SoberClean (12-30-2010), SoloMio (12-29-2010), Thumper (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 10:25 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Good Lord. That sounds like a crazy reality he is spinning. Thank God he is in rehab though.
goldengirl3 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to goldengirl3 For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 10:50 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
You should definitely consider going to the family counseling over the weekend (if you can) -- you'll get a lot of support from the other family members and counselors and you'lll learn good stuff, too. I came away with a fist-full of business cards -- everyone from counselors to the Director himself who said, "Call anytime." And I did end up calling more than once! If you don't want to be 'alone' with him, there shouldn't be a problem working around that!
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (12-29-2010), fourmaggie (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010), NoelleR (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 10:55 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 28,949
Meanwhile, he's given me the list of all the times between sessions where he has free time, so I can be certain to be near the phone then and answer when he calls. He's apparently in until January 15th, and can only spend money on phone calls, but he took $80 out of the ATM yesterday when they took everyone out to the bank. That's an awful lot of phone calls...
He told me this morning that I should be sure to iron his shirts today, so they'll be all ready when he gets out, and started going into a long complaint about how "everyone else here are drug addicts and murderers". He claims that his therapist said that I should be the only one to attend the "family therapy" session over the weekend (if his family isn't going, I'm not going, because I am not going in to see him by myself), and that the head doctor has taken on his case personally, has become his personal friend, and has concluded that he's not really an alcoholic, he was just "self-medicating" due to anxiety and they're going to prescribe him a pill for that.


PFFFTT!!!
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (12-29-2010), fourmaggie (12-29-2010), lillamy (12-29-2010), StarCat (12-29-2010), theuncertainty (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 10:55 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,107
Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
.
I especially love the comment he gave his sister in the last phone call with her, "Can't I be the only thing in your life that you worry about for once?" She's got three kids, a drunk husband, a mother-in-law who can't even walk on steps anymore, two jobs, and I won't even begin to get into the rest - but he wants to be the only concern in her life.
lol... Reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes that always drives home what narcissists people can be.... [spoiler alert if you haven't seen This Boy's Life with Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert DeNiro and Ellen Barkin]...the end scene when Leonardo DiCaprio's character and his mother realize they can break out of their oppressive lives and just GO. As they are jumping off the porch and running away in complete joy, Robert DiNiro sits there whining (he was SO great in that role): "What about MEEEE???? What about MEEE? When is it ever Dwight's turn for some consideration? What about ME?"
SoloMio is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SoloMio For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 11:01 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7
So HE is telling you the doctor has concluded he isn't an alcoholic. Not the words of the actual doctor, right? I assume if they thought there wasn't a problem, they would have released him.

Good luck with the upcoming weeks!
kelly1028 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kelly1028 For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 11:20 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Climbing hills, flying down...
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Blog Entries: 12
My alcoholic sister has done this many, many, many times. She's "not as bad" as the others. She is the victim. Everyone else is against her. She isn't that bad. Blah blah blah. I let it go in one ear and out the other: all justification to stay drunk, all attempts at manipulation.

Hang in there...stay strong!
FarawayFromCars is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to FarawayFromCars For This Useful Post:
grateful101010 (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-29-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 11:45 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Please my friend - I mean no disrespect to you, to the rehab or the drs - even to your AH - but from my experience the stuff that your AH is saying is . . .

QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds exactly what the active disease does to many of them.

If you will take a moment to visit with members here who have walked that path, who are recoverying alcoholics/addicts ~ you will hear a touch of remorse, a lot of true humility, a ton of gratitude and a great deal of appreciation for the Grace given to them to be living a different life.

I haven't heard a lot of "victim" mentality, blaming of others, or better than thou attitude -

Not saying that your AH is completely that way - I'm just saying that this is what I hear and see from those that I have seen thoroughly dedicated to changing their lives to a healthier and sanier way of life.

I know that the help I have received from attending meetings and family support groups have helped me tremendously - I believe it may would help you also - hopefully you can seek that for yourself.

After all, YOU deserve to be Happy, Joyous and Free from Pain, Sadness and Insanity - regardless of the choices he makes.

PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (12-29-2010), keepinon (12-29-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), StarCat (12-29-2010), theuncertainty (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 11:57 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sean718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 24
My AW does the same darn thing: "Everyone is against me" & "I'm not so bad"....yada, yada, yada. It's just a way to keep from dealing with the real issues. The best way that I've found for me to deal with it is just to detach.
Sean718 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Sean718 For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-30-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), reefbreakbda (12-30-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 12:08 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
The Dr. has become a "personal friend"..he says he's been self-medicating and needs anti-anxiety meds..next thing the Dr. will supposedly say is that he can drink in moderation..I call [email protected]$t!Read up a little on narcissim...yowza.
BUT I would go to the meeting because the Dr. may actually want to get some sane info from YOU..wouldn't that be helpful!
keepinon is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to keepinon For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-30-2010), SoberClean (12-30-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 12:11 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 28,949
It isn't the quacking about how he's not a real alcoholic that gets me. I mean, that's just normal for an addict. It's the fact that he tells you to iron his shirts and be near the phone at certain times so you won't miss his call. Sorry, the guy is a Class A jerk and you deserve better. Let him get a maid or a personal valet to iron his crummy shirts. Sheesh!
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (12-29-2010), bookwyrm (12-29-2010), canuckch (12-29-2010), jackien41 (12-29-2010), Phoenixthebird (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 12:59 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
Where's that article (post ) on 'terminal uniqueness'?
tjp613 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (12-30-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 01:04 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
This is an AWESOME article.... Addiction, Lies and Relationships
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
kia (12-29-2010), lillamy (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-30-2010), StarCat (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 01:58 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
please for everyone in your "family/and friends" go to AL ANON....if one does not seem right, please find another.....
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
keepinon (12-29-2010), MsPINKAcres (12-30-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 01:58 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Blog Entries: 1
I call [email protected]$t!Read up a little on narcissim...yowza.
BUT I would go to the meeting because the Dr. may actually want to get some sane info from YOU..wouldn't that be helpful!
Yep, I thought so too, but it might be too easy to diagnose on the forum. But the doctor being his friend, and saying he doesnt need to be there? That is complete BS, why isnt he home yet, and give the bed to someone who needs it?
Please talk to the doctor......alone.
If he doesnt want that, ask the doctor directly.

beth
wicked is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post:
keepinon (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 02:00 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
PFFFTT!!!
LOL! So much meaning in one little onomonopia! Love it!


So much wisdom and love on this board!!! You got some great replies.

I did want to add my input about the family sessions. I have been to one and feel it was very beneficial for me. It isn't as if you are expected to go in and say "I'm ready to work this out." It's more of a chance for you to express your feelings in a safe place - a chance to find some closure if that is what you are looking for. Based on my experience, I recommend it. When I went, we were given time to express our feelings (fears, concerns, angers) without our partner being able to speak. We took a break and when we came back, we were given then chance to ask a question and our partner had to answer.

The overall session was a chance for our partner to not only hear OUR feelings but those of all the other clients' family members. We were encouraged to comment and contribute throughout the conversation...the family members, NOT the partners. At any given time through the session, you could see people nodding and crying at what other family members were saying. I left feeling lighter and I know other people did, too.

Just my .02. I'm going to steal a phrase from Cyranoak...take what you want and leave the rest. (You are such a wise man, Cyranoak).
vujade is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to vujade For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (12-29-2010), fourmaggie (12-29-2010), StarCat (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 02:16 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Do you have a plan for when he gets out?
trapeze is offline  
Old 12-29-2010, 02:53 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
I was going to post that when XAH went into in-patient treatment, he didn't have time to call, that he didn't have much free time, but I just realized who he was probably calling in his free time.....

Will move on to: XAH's attitude was "every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't see it." He didn't get a whole lot out of the treatment other than medical attention while he detoxed. I'm kind of getting the same vibe here.... I agree with SKW that the family sessions may be very helpful for you regardless of his state of mind towards treatment.
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 03:00 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,944
Blog Entries: 7
when he gets out he'll be sober enough to iron his own damn shirts.

sorry.
that one stuck in my craw.

well, you said yourself you're 'well'.....
well people iron their own shirts.
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (12-30-2010), grateful101010 (12-29-2010), jackien41 (12-29-2010), keepinon (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010), wicked (12-29-2010)
Old 12-29-2010, 03:27 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
please for everyone in your "family/and friends" go to AL ANON....if one does not seem right, please find another.....
No worries here, I'm starting to look up Al Anon again, and pick up where I left off. The session I really loved was Tuesdays, and unfortunately the ice was still a bit worse than I wanted to brave, but I've been looking up alternatives and I'll keep going until I find one I like for a couple more days of the week.

I got the impression today that his sister was interested in going with me, so of course I'll let her know which ones I discover, as well. My A never really did get along with his sister, so I never had a good relationship with her until I went to her house for Christmas without her. Now today when I commented I was going to clean out his car (parked at her house) she begged me to come before 5 so we could talk before she had to work. I made a new friend. <3


My A called again while I was on the way home. I wasn't going to answer, but the darn keys in my pocket answered it for me, so I felt like I had to say something rather than just hang up... Ended up hanging up anyway. He may be 100% detoxed now, but he's still 100% manipulative, and he started crying to make me feel bad for telling him not to call me so much. And when he claimed that he thought I wanted him to call me all the time, and I pointed out that it was he who wanted to call? It just got worse, so the phone is off officially, and will continue to be off until his break time is over.

I'm suddenly grateful for the schedule of when he's available. Now I know when my phone should be off.

Part of the reason he is like this, his mother bent over backwards to help him for a very long time. I just learned yesterday that she won $7k in a lawsuit for slipping on ice and breaking her arm in some company's parking lot six years ago, and rather than get the new carpets she always wanted (her carpets are about 60 years old) she gave all the money to my A for his "bills". And now he has the guts to complain how she won't even replace her carpets.




(((HUGS))) to each and every one of you... Coming back after trying to have a good day, and seeing all your answers, has convinced me that I'm not the crazy one... Never thought I'd need convincing of this, but it's amazing what letting a destructive personality become your authority on life can accomplish for self esteem.

Oh, and at his sister's? She has his keys, so I removed the ones to the apartment. *Grins*
StarCat is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to StarCat For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (12-29-2010), bookwyrm (12-30-2010), fourmaggie (12-29-2010), jackien41 (12-29-2010), keepinon (12-29-2010), vujade (12-29-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:26 AM.