Rhode, I was just reading your update and wanted to share with you as a recovering alcoholic. I think its great that you and wife spoke....that she is limiting her wine consumption and had only a sip to deal wtih the shakes.

I see huge red flag and I speak from experience. The door is open and if she is an alcoholic then there is the assumption that she can moderate. Didn't work for me and led to years of continual headbanging. She needs to quit not only for her but for the children. She needs to begin recovery and to have support - more then a loving hopeful husband. AA, counseling, SMART....etc. To help her rebuild and to live life again.

I wish you well and really urge you to seek support for yourself and to take necessary steps to protect you and the children.

Maybe she can cutback.....for days...weeks....maybe months. Point is....she is still drinking and its a vicious cycle that won't leave anyone happy in the end. Progressive it is indeed.

Keep sharing your journey.

We each have our own path to walk. We each have to do what is right for us. Keep posting, keep reading, keep asking questions! It makes the path less lonely and bumpy.

Have you read the stickies at the top? There is a lot of good info in there. I can't remember if you said you'd been to al-anon or not. That is a great group and a great resource.

Naive said. reality is that alcoholics cannot limit their drinking to two bottles of wine a week. that only gives them the taste for more and once they get a bit of alcohol, they are off and running. Truer words were never spoken. It is a medical fact. The alcohol effects their very brain chemistry. Proceed cautiously - her entire post is true.

Rhode it sounds like both of you have agreed that you are going to be her program.

Sigh...and sorry to say, but that is a path riddled with landmines. You have essentially decided on a path of you controlling her drinking. That will threaten your relationship just as much as alcohol does, because it turns you into a parent figure to her. And, it won't work.

I would have a talk with her again and tell her you want her to seek a program of recovery for herself, independently of you, with other people, at other places than in her own home. That she will take seriously and work with the intent to recover.

That could be rehab, AA, Smart recovery, a local outpatient (day) rehab program, etc, etc.

A program of recovery will include some elements that are missing in your current plan:

She has to want to be sober more than she wants to drink. She has to acknowledge her alcoholism. A red flag came up for me when she responded to your request to stop drinking with accusations about your past behavior. If she is still thinking that her drinking is someone else's fault, (your fault)....absolutely nothing is going to happen.

Whatever your wife does or doesn't do ^^^^this needs to be the top priority.

Just sharing my experience. I had hundreds of "agreements" over the years about my husband's drinking. He would drink less, he would stop drinking, he would go to the gym, eat healthy, etc. etc. etc.

And he did all those things--for a while. I think the longest he stayed sober was four months once. It was a miserable time with him craving booze, resenting me for "making" him give it up, and all of us walking on eggshells.

Anyway, my point is that although you may be able to force your way for a while, it will not last. In order for an alcoholic to get sober, it has to be something they want.

It would be wise to get some help for yourself and do what you can to protect your children. I know this seems like "giving up," but it's really just a plan B, in case plan A doesn't work out.

L

I tried to convince my wife to change from vodka to wine, then from red to white, negotiating limits like quantities per a given time frame. Only beer during the week, etc.

For me those efforts tuned out to be a frustrating waste of time and energy and only served to build resentment between the two of us. Any joint progress was at a stand still and we were just slowly heading towards disaster.

I did however, make great individual progress by seeing a counselor that specialized in addictions, joining support groups. Reading books like Under the Influence, Getting Them Sober, Codependent No More, etc.

Hi Rhode-
Glad you are feeling a little relief, a little movement. If nothng else these next few weeks of her trying to moderate her drinking will show you both a lot. What you each learn and what you choose to do with this information is an individual thing.

Wishing you a peaceful day - do something that brings you serenity and peace of mind.

More will be revealed....

Peace-
B

If you tell her to leave she may very well seek advice from other drunks and she may try to accuse you of abuse and get a restraining order that could force you to vacate but continue to pay the bills, send her money that she would use for booze while still caring for young children ( a dangerous scenario)

Believe me, currently she sees you as the ENABLER, the good guy, once you stop enabling, you may become despised by her, or despised by what alcohol has done to her.

I would highly suggest you document her drinking, video, audio, pics, etc etc, receipts because she will continue to deteriorate emotionally and physically and you MUST protect your kids and yourself.


My exAW at one point tried to get me to leave our home assuring me her and her friends would pay the bills however the mortgage was in my name only. Her friends were either unemployed drunks, or minimum wage seasonal worker drunks.

Don't stop loving her but please understand that alcohol is in control of the person you married and it is progressive.