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DYankee 12-06-2010 08:18 PM

Need Support to Defend Myself & Family from Sociopath

I'm brand new here, but not to forums or help groups. My 45 yo middle son is living out in my back yard in his defunct car and two of my other children are barely speaking to me because I won't take him back in. It's twenty degrees out, and he's been living there since last April when I booted him out after starting a fist fight with my youngest 25 yo. I just learned he's been fired from his job.

His father was a sociopath/alcoholic (deceased), and so is he. He's been drinking since he was a teenager, lost his license for OUI and spent time in jail third time out. Walked out of Salvation Army, refuses to go to AA (even when it was mandated by the court). I won't go into everything he's done; I'm sure you know the drill.

I called the hot line for AA tonight because I'm scared he's going to darn well freeze to death out there, and was instructed to call the court tomorrow and explain that he is a danger to himself (and possibly to others; my ex was physically abusive). I will.

This is a nightmare that never seems to end. I've had to cope with all the damage my ex did to my family and I, and now that three of my four children are fully functional, successful members of society, here it is again. My other kids just don't understand what a train wreck like him can do to you. He's been here five years, since his exwife kicked him out, and I've supported him a good part of that time.

I'm just flat out tired and can't contain the emotional distress anymore. I have Addison's Disease and had to retire last spring because I couldn't sustain an eight hour day anymore. Do I sound selfish? I've had to be, to keep us going, and I just want some peace now.

I've spent money I couldn't afford, suffered through days/weeks/years of nasty underhandedness, lies, thefts, character assassination. I'm done. I thought I was done crying too, but I guess there's more tears yet to be shed. Please God, let him live through this night, so I can get him out of my yard and my life without suffering irrepairable harm (to either him or me).

Cyranoak 12-06-2010 08:23 PM

You've done more than enough...
...and it's time for you to take care of you and him to take care of him. If your other kids feel so strongly about it, they can take him in. If they aren't willing to do that themselves they have no right to say a damn word to you. It's hypocritical and wrong.

Please consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. It will help you learn how to live the rest of your life with some kind of peace and/or serenity. Look here:

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Take what you want and leave the rest.



DYankee 12-06-2010 08:38 PM

Thank you, thank you. I'm so grateful that you understood.

theuncertainty 12-06-2010 09:25 PM

Sending you hugs, DYankee. I second Cyranoak. Please take gentle care of yourself.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Pelican 12-06-2010 09:51 PM

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry that alcoholism brought you here.
You will find loads of support and information here . We are open 24/7 and have members all over the world.

I recommend reading in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. Those posts contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

This is one of my favorite stickies that contain steps that some of us have taken when dealing with our loved ones alcoholism:

One of our moderators has this quote in their signature line:
"What other's think of me is really none of my business"

I like to keep that in mind when I start to worry and fret over other's opinions of my choices. I am an adult, and I am capable of making good, healthy decisions for myself. In fact, I have learned how to make better - healthier decisions through Alanon, SR and self-help books.

Let us know how we can help you continue to make good choices for YOUR life!

DYankee 12-06-2010 09:55 PM

Thank you all, again. I can't tell you how much it means to me not to be alone in this.

freefalling 12-06-2010 10:35 PM

Originally Posted by Cyranoak (Post 2789250)
...and it's time for you to take care of you and him to take care of him. If your other kids feel so strongly about it, they can take him in. If they aren't willing to do that themselves they have no right to say a damn word to you. It's hypocritical and wrong.

I agree. you have done all the parenting that he needed. Time for him to grow up and for you to have some peace.What is it going to help either of you if you take him in?


Thumper 12-07-2010 02:31 AM

I totally agree with Cyranoak. I hope the phone calls you make tomorrow get him out of your backyard before night. Keep making calls until it happens and call the same person each time he comes back. You don't need that kind of stress :hug: You are not selfish.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

nodaybut2day 12-07-2010 10:34 AM

Any news today DYankee??

DYankee 12-07-2010 10:42 AM

Update Need Support to Defend Myself & Family
Again, Thank you for your sweet kindnesses.

After numerous calls to various agencies I found out that my son will have to go into detox before he'll be accepted at any facility. Both my daughter and oldest son called him this morning and told him that I intended to kick him out of my yard today, so he agreed to go into a program. My son called the intake counselor at the local detox and she told him she would call him back at my number.

I just stressed dosed my Addisons and looked up the directions to the detox center so I can get him there the very second they agree to take him.

You all are such special people, going through so very much...I wish there was some way to adequately thank you or, better still, make everything OK for you. From my mouth to God's ear.


DYankee 12-07-2010 08:20 PM

2nd Update to Need Support to Defend Myself & Family
Hello, Dear Friends:

I took my son to detox for 5 pm today. I haven't seen him for some time, and he was truly frightening looking...a homeless person in ill health and as terrified as a child. I have no way of knowing whether the terror was genuine or another of his personas.

I'm ashamed to say that this afternoon I found a resevoir of rage left over from my marriage years ago, and that sustained me until I left the facility. Then I got the absolute exhaustion that I've experienced so many times...and a wave of unexpected grief. I've been "leaking" on and off for a couple of hours. I hope tomorrow I can move on; I certainly have enough to do for Christmas since I won't get my social security check until next Wednesday and will start my Christmas shopping then. Cookies to bake, decorations to put up and for the first time in 13 years, my beloved Missy the malamute won't be with us. I had to put her to rest two weeks ago. Right now it seems the darkest time of the darkest year.

But I know the sun will come up in the morning, the birdfeeder will need filling, and the daily chores will keep me occupied until I begin to gather strength again. It's too late tonight to practice the fiddle, but I'll find time to pick it up tomorrow before my lesson (we're doing Christmas carols now). How about "Good King Wenceslaus" with drones...or "Bring a Torch Jeanette Isabella" a bit out of time but perfectly on pitch.

I truly hope that you'll all find peace in your rest tonight and wake tomorrow with a renewed sense of hope.

My very best to you....

You see, I'm feeling better all ready just "talking" to you.

Babyblue 12-07-2010 09:04 PM

Best of Luck to you Yankee :) I hope you especially have a wonderful holiday.

chicory 12-07-2010 09:37 PM

You , your son and your family are in my prayers. I am sorry about Missy. Thank God for memories.

Your strength and courage are inspiring. It must be hard for you. I hope that your Christmas preparations bring you some joy.
big hugs.

nodaybut2day 12-08-2010 08:11 AM

DYankee....please feel free to come to SR to post and read as much as you need. During my most difficult period, I was on SR constantly, relying on the awesome support and love of the people here to get me through.

theuncertainty 12-08-2010 12:56 PM

Hugs, DYankee. I'm glad to hear that he went into detox; it's up to him to make it work. I'm glad you've got a bit of a breather and hope that maybe your other children support you with this.

I'm sorry to hear about your malamute, too. This will be our first year without my sister's malamute, SashaBear, for Christmas as well. Sasha was 12 and had been born on my birthday. It's going to be hard without her pilfering homemade cookies and entire loaves of bread as they cool, knocking the tree over as she leaned on it to check out the wrapped presents under it. The big ole goof ball.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

naive 12-09-2010 04:37 AM


have you tried alanon? it might be good to speak with people who understand...

and i'm wondering if it might be a good idea to get the car hauled out of your backyard? as there is some chance he'll move right back in when he gets out and then you'll have the same situation again.

there are other places for him to the salvation army, for example...if the car is still there, it might be too easy for him to just take up residence again...if it is gone, he'll have to make another choice.

just an idea,

akrasia 12-09-2010 05:58 AM

Dear DYankee,

I'm wishing you peace and strength. I hope you have some happy moments this season.

Hey, I'm sure it's a relief to know you son is somewhere safe and warm now. I would agree, however, that now is the time to move the car and other mess from your yard, AND to make sure it's clear to him and his caseworker at rehab that he needs to find a place of his own to stay.

Seriously. I can't stress this enough. There are housing options for people in recovery that are perfectly decent. There are safety nets. You have become the "default" half-way house and that has got to stop. You've done all you can for him. You're at the age now where your kids need to be taking care of you.

As to the other children hectoring you to take him in--my take on that is that they grew up seeing you abused/taken advantage of and it's hard for them to change that mindview. Also, if their late dad was a messed-up alcoholic, they might have trained themselves see him with sympathy (poor misunderstood tragic soul) and now they're seeing their big brother the same way. Which--no.

You don't have to get into a big drama with anyone. You don't owe anyone an explanation, you're not negotiating. Just, "No, he's not living here anymore." Tell that to the staff at the rehab, and to your family members. (Practice saying it into a mirror. Really!)

I guarantee they'll sputter and whine and try to drag you in. When they say "Why? But where will he live? Don't you love him?" Just calmly repeat, "He's not living here anymore. He will need to work something else out." There will be a lot of push-back at first but when people see that you won't be baited, they'll leave you alone.

Take care.

DYankee 01-23-2011 08:15 AM

Another Update to Need Support
Hello, all of you kind folks:

Well, I guess things are going well for my son; he's out of detox (they kept him longer than usual because they could't get his BP down). He's moved from the 30 day program into a residential faith-based halfway house (for prisoners, don't know if that mix is a good one). My daughter has been real confrontational with me, and I'm trying to accept that this is a reprise of her abusive relationship with her father and that her own faith has made her very judgemental. I'm just going to sit tight and try to weather her storm. My oldest son is staying out of the picture, and I don't blame him!

You know, I have stayed silent all of these years about the abuse and have tried to accentuate the better side of my exhusband. But this experience has led to my trying to set down the history of my years with him...I'm on page 5 (single spaced!) and haven't scratched the surface. I put all of this stuff in a mental box and shoved it under the bed, so to speak. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to speak these things out, especially considering my daughter's reaction, but it's a beginning. It seems that my three children consider him something of a saint and I'm the demon in the picture. Nothing could be more unfair, and it 's not fair to them, either, because there are far to many instances of his bad behavior for each of them, that can't be reconciled to that picture.

I certainly didn't want to revisit those years, but you know the odd thing? I felt an enormous sense of release after I wrote many of these things down.

Best to all,

LexieCat 01-23-2011 08:37 AM

Sounds like you're doing great, Laurie!

It may help you (and, ultimately, your kids) for you to share some of the truth about their father at some point. Not now--and I suggest you discuss it with others before you do that--but it's great that you are examining the truth for yourself. We have to acknowledge the truth before we can heal.

Did you get that car out of the back yard? I still think that's a good idea. Slips are not uncommon in early recovery, and you really DON'T want to have to eject him from that "shelter" again.

lc1972 01-23-2011 08:47 AM

I have found writing down the experience I have been through and what I was feeling as a release. I have a computer bag that now has about 20 pages of writing in it at least. I am now thinking of writing a book. Please remember to take care of yourself and try to do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family

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