hi again-

glad to hear this isn't etched in stone yet. again, i think it would be wise to reconsider you leaving the family home for the reasons listed above, primarily abandonment.

if i was a judge, i would have a hard time understanding why if you feel your children are at risk because the mother is an alcoholic, why you would then chose to leave them in her care.

also, i wonder whether a recently rehabed, detoxing, in-recovery alcoholic would really be suited to running a household and caring for children...

i understand that the negotiator was trying to reach a compromise between her demands and yours, however, i don't feel leaving the family home will work in your favor, should she actually be successful in rehab.

i agree with akrasia, can you remain on the property? sure, move the childminder in too but you stay with your family at night.

if your wife doesn't want to live with you, she can be with the children during the day and then SHE can go to the other property at night. this makes more sense, even for her, as it gives her space to deal with her issues and it leaves you there to be the sober, responsible parent to the children.

i'm glad you see this input as helpful...just brainstorming with you...

naive

"i'm glad you see this input as helpful...just brainstorming with you..."

naive - I do find it helpful. This plan, although not exactly what I want, is the first formal identification of AW's addiction. It is also the first time AW has put on record that she is indeed an addict.

It may seem small potatoes but for me it's a major shift. The plan she described was in words to us, the details of which will be put in writing to our respective lawyers. I'm sure that my lawyer is going to voice exactly the same concerns you are.

The win for me is not the plan, but the formal recognition of the problem. Legally I can now contest the divorce armed with the forensic investigation of an expert. I can apply to the state family advocate to be primary caregiver and not have to conduct this investigation again.

Yeah, it's like "It's not just me! Finally someone else is seeing it too!"

I must think tactically now about how to proceed. AW absolutely will delay this plan now, she's kicked so damn hard against the rehab idea from day one, I can't see that this plan will be treated any differently by her.

Once the details of the plan are ironed out legally, I want my lawyer to insist that she give us a firm booking date for her stay in rehab.

It must be sooner rather than later. If she comes back with long stories about work commitments I want to strike hard with a formal contestation of the divorce. She works on an ad-hoc basis, so it's not like she's taking time off from a day job - she also has a significant private income from a trust fund, so she can't cite affordability of rehab as a problem.

OK, it's good to look ahead to the various contingencies, but you can also exhaust yourself with the "what-ifs".

You have a plan in place. See what she does. The next move is hers.