Letters to addicted loved ones...
 

I want to compose a letter to my alcoholic pot-addicted mother letting her know clearly why I no longer wish to have contact with her. I feel like I need a lot of help. I have read so many good things already on Sober Recovery that have helped me clarify my emotions and understand my mother better.

I am not sure if I there is already a thread like this, and if so and someone has the link, please post. What I am looking for is continued help sorting through all these emotions and I find the greatest help is reading other peoples feelings towards their addicted loved ones.

While I have been angry with my mother for a long time, I am new to accepting that I must have no contact with her as long as she remains an active addict. I am tired of being complacent in her problems. Her problems have made my life unmanageable in so many ways.

I am so new to this feeling that I feel like I don't even have the language to adequately and succinctly express myself. I don't want to write my mother some sort of scathing letter. I want to write it from a place a love but also to clearly explain the damage her continued drinking is doing to me. Is that even recommended?

If anyone could share letters they have written to the addicts in their life, it would be most appreciated.

Hi Gardner
This is a good idea. I guess Im one who sees things a little differently now. I did write my sister a letter when she was alive but thinking about it now, the letter I would of given her was the one I wrote for her funeral. Two different types of letters. The letter I wrote to her when she was alive - was basically one about what I wanted for her and how I saw her then. The letter I would give her now is about the person she really was. WARNING - ITS LONG....

Julie was born on the 24.05.1968 at Lefevre Hospital, Semaphore at a very healthy 10lb weight. Blonde hair and a cheeky smile.

She grew up in Parr St Largs Bay all of her childhood. She was mummy & daddys girl and would cling to mums legs wherever she went. Dad was home with Parkinsons Disease while mum was off working, so she spent a lot of time with dad and watched planet of the apes and many western films with him. She was completely devastated at dads passing. As a baby I called her ‘bubby’ and remember dad putting on the bedlamp for her every night until she went to sleep because she was afraid of the dark.

She moved to Alberton with mum at the age of 14yrs. She left school at an early age because she hated school and couldn’t wait to leave. At 14 she met her future husband – Ton and commenced working there at their family restaurant at Marion.

From a very young age, especially as a teenager she loved fashion, makeup, magazines showing clothes and hair. Julie had a great sense of fashion and always looked lovely. I was eighteen and Julie was 10. I would often find makeup & clothes missing and guess who had it. I would tickle her until I found it inside her bed. She would often watch me putting on makeup and ask me ‘ whats that for’ – ‘can I try it?’ I remember spending ages trying to get tangled curlers out of her long blonde hair while she screwed up her face and complained. This was the beginning of a fashion guru.

Julie said ambition never really worried her at all because as a teenager she loved working in the restaurant and getting to know all the regular customers. Julie mainly enjoyed chatting with all the seniors and having a laugh.
She did this for nearly 20years with her ex husband. Her main ambition was to work alongside her husband, save up and support her children. All her working life was spent in hospitality working alongside her ex husband. She was in charge of staff part-time, greeted customers , worked in the bar & served customers in takeaway. She liked the part time hours as this gave her the independence and choice to be with her children when they needed her.

They bought their first house at Marion and this is where their first child Amy came home to from the hospital. They then built a beautiful home at Happy Valley and this is when Andrew was born.

As they became more successful in their achievements they moved to Glenelg East and this is where Julie & her family had her ‘dream’ home. (that is what she use to say to me). Julie loved antique furniture and filled her home with gorgeous pieces and spent her time decorating it. She also liked spending time looking at real estate with the hope of one day growing a portfolio.

She loved music which she oftened played and ‘Hulio Eglasisius’ was often singing in the background of a telephone conversation. Her pets were especially loved by her and were part of her the family.
She particularly loved jewellery and perfume.

The most important point to make, is that Julie was devoted & protective to her children. She absolutely adored and loved them and they were her 1st priority in her life. Julie loved being a mother and saw it as her main job in life. She wanted to encourage them in their future goals and was always there for them. They made her so happy because they cared for her and would look out for her. She was proud that they would tell her they loved her. Andrew as a child would often tell her how beautiful she was and called her Fifi, this made her feel so good inside. She spent many hours trying to beat him on the Super Nintendo and taking her children to Tai Chondo. Julie and Amy spent a lot of time shopping because Julie loved shopping. Julie has passed this skill onto her daughter Amy. She would tell Amy she didn’t need makeup because she was already so beautiful. Amy remembers mum giving her a lot of advice on boys, her future and looking after herself. Driving the kids to school everyday they would sing along to ABBA songs.
Julie wasn’t the best cook but she really gave it her best shot. When first married she tried cooking ton’s favourite meal ‘fried rice’. It was very dry and lumpy and because he couldn’t tell her how bad it was, he ate it anyway. As a family we would spend many occasions together celebrating birthdays, bbqs and christmas’s, mainly at Joannes place. Julies children are very close to their cousins and are more like brother and sister. Much laughter, and competition around the pool table or playing games together. Julie would more than likely be always late because she spent a lot of time getting ready.

Julie believed values were important in life, like, respect, honesty and especially time for her children and family. She had the greatest sense of humor and she would ask me when I was going to get my hair done! Its been 40 years Joanne. Often we would have huge laughs at comments she would make – often at others expense. One funny moment Andrew particularly remembers when he asked nanny – what does ‘ Julie’s ’ name mean and the reply was – ‘afraid of doing housework’. This was one area she really didn’t have a liking to and mum was always picking up after her.

In recent years Julie wanted financial independence and security by the time she was 50years of age. She thought about going back to TAFE and finding work in ‘Aged Care’ because of her experience with seniors in hospitality. She wanted to save up and eventually travel to Europe one day to see Rome, it was a dream of hers.

Julie struggled the last few years with the major changes in her life and found it difficult to move forward but I will remember this beautiful sister of mine as a gorgeous, soft and gentle woman who protected everyone she dearly loved. A generous & kind woman who was too afraid to ask for help. We will always be together, loving each other and caring about the other, whether it is in heaven or on earth. The main words I will hear is ‘I love you, bye. ‘

This letter I think may have made the difference, I will never know!

AMAZING, 138 Visits and Im the only one who replied. :rotfxko

Thank you Justjo. Reading that made a huge impact on me and rather entirely changed the idea of writing a letter to my mother at this time. I wish I could explain clearly how your letter has helped me process my own feelings about my mother but I am not sure how to say it.

This is exactly why I posted this thread and why getting feedback is so important to me. I have finally decided to confront my mother's addictions in a real and meaningful way, even if that confrontation is one only within myself. I am so new to thinking about her addictions without anger that I barely know how to define my emotions. Reading other posters' thoughts brings forth thoughts and feelings I was previously unable to name. If that makes sense. :a090:

Thank you so much for replying to this thread. Even if this is the only reply, it was all I needed. Thank you.

Aww thanks Gardner

Its tough, watching someone we loved hurt themselves. Hardest part for me, was the helplessness I felt knowing that I couldnt prevent her death. I hope and wish you all the best with your mum, you know.
Just keep loving her inside, just know that this is not who she really is. I hope your mum finds that shining light to guide her to good health.
Luvya JJ

OH and I hope you get more letters too.
:tyou

I wrote this letter to AH after he left at my insistance - but I never sent it as I knew that it would fall on deaf ears at the time. I have taken the names out.

Dear....
Letting you go was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but I have no doubt that it was the right thing. My reasons all stem back to one root cause which is your dependency on alcohol and all the problems it brings. The man you want to be is a wonderful man - the man I fell in love with - but alcohol has made it impossible for you to be that man. I know he is in there somewhere and maybe one day you will have the strenth to ditch your crutch and become the man you so desparately seem to think you are.
My life has been a roller coaster while living with you - I could never be bored of you - but its more a case of "stop the ride - I need to get off -I am going to be sick". If you were able to see things from another point of view you would understand why, as time has gone on, I have withdrawn from you more and more.
No-one can make you do what needs to be done Husband - only you can do it but there is no room for 3 in a marriage and it seems to me that you were already married when you met me. Married to alcohol - and unable to actually divorce it.
I have not cheated on you. I have never questioned your fidelity either but I no longer know what is truth and what is lies when you talk.
I am sorry that things came to this in the end after all we had to fight and work to achieve. myself + you - alcohol + child 1 and child 2 could have been a wonderful life. My dreams have been shattered just as yours have.
I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to leave. Thank-you for going without making it neccessary to put us both through a legal battle.

these are powerful posts....i don't have a letter to add, however i did write a poem to my AH many years ago and only gave it to him last week. It hit me between the eyes that i felt like this so long ago, and still stayed:

The daytime words,
are soft and kind.
Then dusk reveals,
a twisted mind.
So full of hate,
and pain and yet,
each time is worse,
but, they forget.
Love them deeply,
though you may,
the booze will sweep,
their soul away.
A pile collects,
of broken dreams,
of nasty words,
and hateful screams.
The noise subsides,
and they're asleep.
So now its safe,
for you to weep.
This illness robs,
your closest friend.
You hope and pray,
that it will end.

Missphit - I am fighting back tears from what you wrote (in a good way). Its so very true.
Not feeling so well today - bit sensitive.

after all these years it did the same to me, FBH.....it is a sad, sad illness and leave a mere frame of a person that is so empty inside! I hope your feeling better!

:Val004::Val004::Val004: was trying to find a nice huggy one was closest i could find xxx

Here's one I wrote:

Dear Son,

I hope that over the years I have shown you how much you mean to me – that I love you with my whole heart and I only want what is best for you. I love you as only a mother can. I pray that you will keep that thought as you read on and as you move on in your life.

There comes a time when a parent must release their child to the world and cease to be the caregiver. It’s difficult to know when that time is right and is the decision that every parent struggles with at some point. I, too, have struggled but I know that now is the time to give you the dignity and the wings to build your own life in your own way.

The last 2 years have been exhausting for all of us, and most of all for you, I’m sure. I only want you to be happy but feel like the support your dad and I have given you is not what you need, obviously. You have different plans for your life but I think you feel stuck trying to please us instead of yourself. So go…. Do it your own way and I’ll keep you in my positive thoughts and I will always love you…no matter what.

I do hope that you find a way to rid yourself of drugs once and for all. I’m grateful for the time you spent at [rehab name], the sober house, and in all those meetings in [town]. You have the tools and you know what you need to do when you are ready. Remember that you can always call the counselors at [rehab] for support and guidance.

I’m sorry that I have to limit our contact and phone calls because staying involved in your life causes a great deal of stress and anxiety for me, for [husband and daughter]. I know you don’t understand that side of the story, but maybe you will some day. We all have a right to a peaceful existence and for my own health and serenity, that is what I have to do. I won’t provide you with money, gas or a place to stay. I can only offer my love and prayers.

I will always love you. No matter what.

Mom

Thanks Kia and Missphit. I felt well enough to do Karate - just not 100% today - but karate was great.

i go to a pilates class and did that today, though i was tired, it was a great feeling to be sure to do the things i need to take care of myself! great job Free....hope the remainder of your day is a good one....be kind to yourself...and i will do the same!!

I hope these letters give you some ideas... I think these type of letters are so personal, thats why some did not want to respond...brings back a flood of tears and well, many emotions....

the mother ~ daughter relationship must be the most complex in the world in my opinion.
It's okay to take some space from it.

My daughter is wanting some space from me at the moment...this is not the first time she has been mad at me.....and I just know that she has her own life to live and she knows that I love her. We just disagree pretty strongly about a couple of things.

I have done the same with my mother....been so terribly angry, went to counseling, limited contact and etc .....but now we are closer than we had ever been.

And all this and drugs/drink are not even an issue!

Therefore I hesitate to make any suggestions!
But I do want to tell you that you do deserve your peace of mind, and your private space.

I am really sad about the situation with my mom. I wonder if one ever recovers from the sadness. I am quite frustrated with myself because I feel like I am stalled in the recovery process. It is time to go back into therapy but I find excuses. I even have free therapy and I am stalling.

I feel like I have been in a state of depression since my last encounter with my mom and I am unable to get anything done. I pray to god for guidance but nothing comes. At least I don't feel it.

Thanks for the replies.

Dear Mom, I think about you everyday. In my mind you are two different people. One is this funny, charming, smart, talented, beautiful, young, generous, loving, amazing cook, comforting friend, woman who makes me feel most at home, nourishing, person I love most in the world. Person I love the most in the world. Person I loved the most in the world.
The other you are a vicious drunk, yellowed teeth, smoke smoke smoke, wasting life and money stoned, drunk driving, living in filth, ruining everything around you, filthy, smelly, watching television, financially abusing your mother, selling everything she owns to support your habits, your poor dogs, breed of which you foolishly picked that needs lots of grooming but you never do it because you are too drunk and stoned and you don't care. And you picked that breed in the first place because you are so detached from your limitations, your issues that nearly every choice you make is an irrational one. Your addiction to pot and alcohol has robbed you of the ability to care about or respect anyone. Do you hate yourself? Why has this happened? Don't you love me? Don't you love my baby? I thought you loved me. I thought you loved me so much.

I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a picture and I shudder because I look like you, the expression in my smile. The thing that I fear most in the world is that I will be just like you. I am so afraid that I will be like you. I am afraid that I will make my daughter feel like me because I might be just like you.

I am so sad that you chose to be drunk and high on both occasions when you met my one and only daughter. I am so sad that my daughter won't know the other you. The beautiful one. Was she just a person I made up in my mind? You were that person, weren't you? You are that person, somewhere. Right?

She won't know you at all because I can't see you anymore.

I can't talk to you on the phone anymore and pretend that I still love the real you because the drunk and stoned you is all there is.

Gardner - the letter you wrote above does seem a bit harsh to me, especially because earlier you said you didn't want it to be "scathing" but written "from a place of love". Can you see her in your mind's eye as just being a damaged human being and not someone who is purposely trying to hurt you? Can you simply state what you need for YOUR life without telling her what is wrong with hers?

I know it's hard, but you'll feel better with your composition if you can detach from the bitter feelings. ((((Hugs))))

That letter isn't a letter I intend to send. That letter was just a stream of feelings I have at the moment. I am entitled to those feelings and this should be a safe place to write them down.

I am actively suffering from my last visit with her and I needed to write down those feelings and get them out. This is the way I feel. Yes, at the moment it is scathing.

Dear Mom,
I need a mom. Not a selfish drunk/drug addict. No, I cannot tell you what I need for my life because every time I have tried, those requests fall on deaf ears. You are not interested in my needs. You are only interested in one thing and that is what you need to satisfy your addictions.

i am sorry for your pain gardner, and i can relate to the initial anger and scathing thoughts....you have a right to work them through and i hope you can arrive at a place of compassion and pity for the broken mom you are writing to. i am going through a very similar set of feelings with an AH that i have traveled through anger, rage, inner turmoil, hurt and now sadness, pity and great compassion.......i feel good about me after getting through it all, without taking it out on him and i did write letters in my head that i will never show to anyone, but it helped me work through it all. I hope you can be kind to yourself and realize YOU are the lucky one because you can help yourself and make a better life for you...your mom is missing out on so much. it is sad for her!
hugs to you, i can relate.

I"m sorry, Gardner...I misunderstood. I didn't realize you were just venting. My apologies. Please, by all means, WRITE!

The letter you wrote Gardner is pretty close to how I felt last year. To see someone we love so dear, do this to themselves is outrageous, frustrating and soul destroying. It is so hard to distance ourself from someone hurting themselves and all we want to do is see them well and ok.

My sister lived similar to your mom and it just about killed me to see this. Today she is dead (she died last November) and my mind still goes over the what ifs and whats nots.

Somehow though, you might want to tell yourself this - your mum loves you so much, she really does, shes not trying to hurt you or you child, she is an addict living in her own hell and there is no reality right now for her. Her addiction has taken over her life completely by the sounds of it and without help things may get worse for her.

I understand your letter though, we do become frustrated and mad because we feel they arent listening. She knows though what you feel and her guilt probably is feeding her addiction. Hard stuff.

Keep writing your letters as it will help you somewhat get some kind of relief I think. Our feelings are there and true for us, and its ok to get mad but somewhere we have to consider that there is not a whole lot we can do, so be kind to yourself ok.
JJ

Gardner-
Wow thanks for sharing so honestly in this thread. Thanks to all who shared their letters/feelings. This is tough stuff.

I can really relate to so much of what you said that it brought tears to my eyes. My A bros were both drunk the first time they met my 1st son....it was so upsetting to me, and it was many years and more encounters like that before I just decided to keep my boys away from them, that they were never going to be the awesome, together uncles (oh! the "potential" they had! having been awesome, together brothers when we were kids) It was heartbreaking for me to ACCEPT them exactly as they are - but it also began the true healing for me and allowed me to find a way to love them and not be tangled up or angry with them or trying to help them.

And it took me at least a decade of AlAnon and therapy and rumination and sadness and acceptance to reconcile that whole "love" thing in relation to my A dad. I was well into my twenties before I truly accepted the fact that love had nothing to do with it. I thought as a child and a teenager, if he loved me (us) he would stop, he wouldn't act like this and drink! I came to learn and accept that it was never a measure of his love - it was only a measure of how deeply addicted he was that he couldn't stop for us.

I know my dad loved me. His drinking, his addiction, while it GREATLY impacted me and destroyed many things in our family, had nothing to do with me or any of us. He was ADDICTED. So far into that bottle that nothing else mattered in the world until that day he had enough and he found the strength to reach out and choose recovery.

The pervading sadness has mostly gone away for me - meaning I don't obsess or wallow in the sadness/anger/disappontment like I used to in my twenties. I choose not to do that. I choose to think other thoughts and do other things.

But the sadness of all that we lose to alcoholism never really goes away - it is a genuine sadness, because it is a real and deeply felt loss. Reading justjo's letter to her sister made me very sad about my A bros but it also reminded me of one of the best lessons I learned in recovery through ALAnon -- I can choose how to relate to my brothers, I can choose to relate to the best parts of them and talk to them about life and love and spirit - I don't have to relate to them as alcoholics seeing them only through that one lens.....by detaching from their drinking, by letting their addiction live firmly on their side of the street, yet still having realistic expectations (because the reality is they are alcoholics!) I can maintain a loving relationship without being a spetcator or participant in their A insanity....I don't know - does that make any sense??!!

Glad you are here and keep working at these feelings surrounding your mom - she will never be what she "could have" been, but you are free to be at peace and serene in life and be all that you can be!

gentle (((((hugs)))))
peace-
B

Letter written today to aexh and not sent. I find this a fine way to get in touch with how I feel and blow of some steam in a nondestructive manner. It's in a rather different vein than other posters, but perhaps y'all will get where I'm coming from.

Background: Aexh, now going to relationship counseling with his girlfriend, is recently showing encouraging signs of taking some small responsibility for his actions.

Dear [aexh's name],

Great Jumping [prominent western religious figure]! You responded promptly to an email! You sounded pleased that I wanted to go to [organized sport] practice with [dear daughter]... gawdawmighty, an expression of positive emotion! You... asked me how I felt about something!

Who the [expletive deleted] are you, and what did you do with [aexh's name]?!!!

Sincerely,
[BuffaloGal's given name]

:rotfxko