SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (
-   -   Trying to not FEEL GUILT..Its eating me up! (

Shanon29 08-31-2010 12:27 PM

Trying to not FEEL GUILT..Its eating me up!
Oh boy where to begin. I just recently left my girlfriend because of alcohol and substance addiction. This has been an on going issue since we met. She stated that she had been in recovery well rehab 4 times. I thought that she was on the right path. Then I fell in love with her. We were only together for six months. However, in that six months so much happened. It started out the first month she didnt come home until 6am I asked her if she used and she looked at the floor and said yes. We talked about it then let it go. Well the drinking started to become more frequent. It was 2 nights a week not coming home until early morning hours. The fighting was non stop. So finally the straw that broke the camels back was 3 weeks ago she didnt come home until 8am. I had no idea where she or who she was with. I finally was able to reach her and she was beyond drunk at 8am. I went crazy in my mind and on her. The fear of not knowing if she was dead or alive I just couldnt take it. Throughout the entire relationship there was no affection on her side. When she said i love youit felt forced. When I look back on it now it was a mission being with her. But, I loved her unconditionally and didnt think I should leave. Up until 3 weeks ago. I have had more tears fall then I ever thought would. My biggest issue is the guilt I feel. I feel like if you love someone you dont just leave. this isnt my first time leaving. I dont know what to do or think. I am so confused. My mother was an alcoholic I left her as well. She passed away 7yrs ago. My ex will not talk to me what so ever. I have read in past post that they typically call or text or email. Well I changed my number bcus all we did was fight and say mean horrible things to each other. I figured she would at least email me. Was leaving the wrong thing to do??? I need help! :(

suki44883 08-31-2010 12:36 PM

It sounds to me like leaving was exactly the right thing to do...IF you are done. Changing your phone number was also the right thing to do. Now, why not just block her from your email? If you are truly done, then BE done. :grouphug:

nodaybut2day 08-31-2010 12:52 PM

You feel guilty for leaving someone who
  • Often didn't come home due to indulging in her addiction
  • Didn't think your concern for her warranted calling you to tell you where she was
  • Didn't reciprocate your affection in the earliest months of the relationship ??

You said it yourself...being with her was like a perhaps "saving" someone?

You cannot change her or cure her. Only she can do that for herself, and it sounds like she's not interested at the moment.

Sounds like you did just the right thing.

Carol Star 08-31-2010 01:12 PM

I was also on a "mission" to save my XAH. It doesn't work and ends up making us crazy. I was also the child of an alcoholic and was used to the drama/ looked normal...but is not but was what I was used to. I couldn't save my parents so I really wanted to save him. I ended up with PTSD from it all. Work the program you wish she would work. Go to Alanon and share and read the Melody Beattie books. She was your addiction. Total no contact really is best but I have broken that rule until I now am sure I am done with him unless he gets into recovery. It is a progressive, fatal disease. You end up sobered up locked up or covered up. You could also use Coda groups...and ACOA. There is alot of experience, strength, and hope here. Glad you are here for help me remember where I came from.

TakingCharge999 08-31-2010 03:28 PM

Hi Shanon! welcome to SR.

Guilt about what? they have been human beings as capable as you to seek help. Everyone knows where an AA is, they have chosen not to go. Just like you found SR, you were hurting and reached out...

I went out with a XABF that behaved in a similar manner. Boy did I cry. It is part of the process. Mourning an addict has been very complex to me and I am discovering I still hurt deeply. Also because I am discovering my choices for "partners" have been really bad.

The thing with addicts is that they show a "good side" until you relax then BOOM reality strikes. It takes guts to go No Contact. I also expected something from XABF. He had someone else right away. So I am lucky. All I have read is that those Ex's call when they need something. It is always about them. They manipulate again, show off their acting skills once again, then when it counts off they go drinking and doing what alkies do. It just gets worse.

Blocking my XABF in the email has been great. I felt and keep feeling it is my decision not to talk to him anymore. Leaving it open for him to contact me anytime is like saying "I am here for whenever you feel to throw some crumbs of affection. Whenever you need company, sex, someone to insult, someone to punch figuratively or literally". But no, it is blocked, he may have tried to contact me, I don't know and don't want to know. They are better off away, as away as possible. It is a walking ticking bomb.

Remember the 3 Cs.

You can't control her
You can't cure her
You didn't cause her addiction

I hope you can get to Alanon/therapy/read the Classic reading under the Sticky section.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Linkmeister 08-31-2010 05:19 PM

Hi Shanon,

Welcome to SR. You'll find so much help and support here as you walk this journey as other have and are in the midst of doing.

TakingCharge999 said it best, I can't add much to that except to say that I have just recently broken it off with my EXABF - gone totaly no contact-blocked emails, phone, MSN, FaceBook and while it as hard to do at first, my sanity was worth it.

My ex would call and call and call and call and the conversations were always the same-he just could not accept that I would actually leave him. He belittled me, berated me, criticized me, said some pretty nasty things to me and the hurt runs deeply for those things but with the help of Al-Anon and SR, I am taking the steps to move on.

I was that punching bag, the dog to kick and whenever I have an inkling of picking up that phone to call him, I think of the above and ask myself - is it worth going through it all again? Is he worth it? Most of all - Am I worth it?

No it's not easy and you still do question yourself, second guess yourself, blame yourself, but what I found was that in taking an honest look at myself, becoming educated on addiction - the patterns, the behaviours, but most of all-the 3 C's - You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it is a good beginning to letting go and moving on.

Shanon29 08-31-2010 05:42 PM

Thank all of you so much. The crazy thing is that she would always contact me when we broke up before. That night when I left she called me on Saturday and acted like nothing happened. I am the one going crazy wondering why she hasnt contacted me. I often ask myself why am I doing this? I feel she has moved on so fast and she may have. Is it normal to be an addict and not be emotional or affectionate? I am so confused about this. I am hurting so much! I ask myself what I miss! And to be honest it is the routine of trying to make her see that I loved her. She often said that what she was doing was wrong she just doesnt know how to stop. So many night when she would say Shay I am just going out for a few beers then I will be home. I would realize the day and say no your not this will be an all nighter. And I would be right. So then around 1am I would start calling texting. She would say to me if you would just stop making a big deal about it maybe I would come home. If you just let me be me. So I asked her and myself does being an addict really define who you are. Like I said before she has been in rehab four times for crack and never alcohol. She say her dad was one he passed and the only way she feels close to him is by being out in a bar. I have never judged her. But, when you are in a relationship and you say you love them actions speak louder then words. I find myself wondering if she has been cheating on me as well. Our sex stopped back in April and she said it was because of me and the fighting. In the beginning it wasnt so bad. Her friends would say to me why dont you just go with her. My response would be why!!! So I can babysit her. Not have a good time then fight with her about who will drive. Sometimes, I just feel so helpless in my own head. The wondering the wishing. I am very new to this whole thing. I am hoping to get to an Al Anon meeting this week. And I have an appointment with a therapist on Saturday. I miss her more then I ever thought I would. She said all you do is run. And for me that is all I know. I wonder if she misses me or realizes what she has done. Does she care? I am so happy that found SR. Again, thank you all so much for being ears a shoulder to cry and more importantly a shoulder to cry on.

Bucyn 08-31-2010 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by Shanon29 (Post 2696166)
I feel she has moved on so fast and she may have..

She hasn't moved on--unless she's in rehab and is starting to cope with her addiction. She's only found someone else. Same sh+t, different day; running in place and probably losing ground.

Shanon29 08-31-2010 06:18 PM

Thanks Bucyn...She is a total functioning addict goes to work does what she has to..I feel that at some point it will all catch up too. And if she is with someone else. It willbe good for a bit then she will go right back. This site is amazing. I felt so alone...Deep breath...

Bucyn 08-31-2010 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by Shanon29 (Post 2696166)
I ask myself what I miss! And to be honest it is the routine of trying to make her see that I loved her.

So you were with her not to meet her needs, but to meet yours. You need to to prove to someone who doesn't love you, that you are so loving you are worth being loved.

I don't want to be an armchair psychologist, but I speculate that maybe she is standing in for someone else in your life--say your mother (just an example, could be your dad, grandma, big sister, your kindergarten teacher, the puppy you got when you were 4, whomever)--and you are trying to heal the wound that person left by making someone else do what you couldn't make the original cold fish do.

My ex abusive alcoholic momma's boy husband, did this same thing. His mother was completely inadequate as an adult, she was jaw droppingly dysfunctional, manipulative, needy, clingy, incompetent, and profoundly dishonest and incapable of being alone, making a decision or taking responsibility for herself. She had the emotional ability of a 2 year old, but the intellectual ability of her normal age and the social ability of a middle school girl. And in order to cope with life she was neurotic and crazy as h*ll. Can you imagine being raised by this? She talked about love and stabbed him in the back repeatedly. Any approval or love he ever got from her, she yanked away soon afterwards with more demands and hurt feelings.

So when he grew up, he married the only woman he probably ever found who was crazier than his mother: a woman who was diagnosed alternately with schizophrenia (and had two schizophrenic brothers) and bipolar 2, and who ultimately just ended up in chronic psychosis, one of those people wandering the streets talking to themselves.

He couldn't fix his mother with her undiagnosed, hard to define craziness and moved on to a woman with official mental illness who could be fixed if she took her meds. Which she wouldn't. So she was unfixable too, and after his kids were taken into custody for the sixth time and his newborn dau put into NICU for neglect, and social services told him he was not getting his kids back again because he was just as bad a parent as her, since he kept leaving them in her care, he got divorced. He has said he would have stayed married to her if not for the kids. Married 3 years, and didn't have sex most of the last year...but the marriage made his mommy happy because she had more power than the crazy wife and kept him busy fixing unfixable people, so he didn't have to deal with his own feelings about his messed up parents.

He ruined our marriage within hours of saying vows, refusing to sit with me on our honeymoon or spend time with me much because it would upset his mother. He was 44, still afraid of her, still trying to appease her.

He's now 49, living in his childhood home, alcoholic, unemployed, self righteous, and bankrupt, back to appeasing his mommy. And his 13 year old son with his 4 felony convictions and his own mental illness is waiting in the wings to take over as the next unfixable person he will sacrifice his life to fix when mommy's gone.

Between the alcoholism and the need to fix people he doesn't have the power to fix, he has pretty much squandered his life. It takes a lot of work for him to sit on the Pandora's box that is his emotional life.

Don't let this happen to you. I'm glad you are going to see a therapist. It's not about her, it's about your need to have her or someone like her. You may be using her sickness to try to fix yourself. It won't work.

I had TWO alcoholic husbands. After my last divorce, I spent all my free time in therapy. I did AL Anon (two groups, one at home, one at work), and two therapists (lunchtime with the EAP and after work with our former marital therapist because she knew him), and EDMR. I turned myself inside out, opened that Pandora's box of my own and scrubbed out the crud inside and made good friends with the good fairy Hope. It was like I eviserated myself and scoured out my insides with Comet. And by the end it was fun, I really really liked it. It was so helpful.

Please don't think about her any more, think about yourself. She's just a bad habit, so replace the time and thoughts you have about her with something else that occupies your time and mind. And work with your therapist so you don't pick up another bad habit in her place.

Good luck to you.

coffeedrinker 08-31-2010 07:19 PM


perhaps you'd like to start reading the book some of us are working on, about abandonment. even if you are the one who left, it describes the unreal, horrible obsessions we have over our lost object of affection. here is a link from the book discussion:

(if you open the above thread, read the book title in the second post

Bucyn 08-31-2010 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Shanon29 (Post 2696166)
She say her dad was one he passed and the only way she feels close to him is by being out in a bar.

Well, that's a new one. I drink so I can see dead people! :rotfxko

Shanon29 08-31-2010 07:31 PM

Thank you coffeedrinker I will check it out for sure. I know that I have some issues for sure. Being my mom and my real father were alcoholics never really knew my dad. I spent my entire life taking care of my mom. Until I walked away from her and a full ride to college to move to FL. I know I cant change my ex. Infact didnt know I was trying. Because of SR just today I feel okay for once. Such a great feeling...

BUCYN okay now that was hilarious.....

wicked 08-31-2010 07:36 PM

BUCYN okay now that was hilarious.....
Yep, Shanon, you are gonna be okay.
it was hilarious!
keep coming back.


barb dwyer 08-31-2010 10:54 PM

Hi Shanon and welcome!

Shanon29 09-01-2010 06:34 AM

So wow. I got up this morning feeling okay for the first time in awhile. However, the guilt got a little intense driving to work. I realized that I promised to help her with getting her dad death certificate, told her not to worry about the probate. Also let her know not to worry about her taxes I would. I feel horrible for this. I am a woman of my word. See in all the times she would stay out all night or go drinking the bank account was never touched. I wonder if she was getting her crack else where???? I know her friends would buy her all the alcohol she wanted. I am just so tired of feeling guilty for taking care of me. I miss the girl I met and adored.

nodaybut2day 09-01-2010 08:08 AM

It seems like the girl you met and adored never quite existed. It was an image of a girl that you and she both created, and considering the short length of your relationship, didn't last very long.

You have been very honest and identified that you were with your partner for yourself, perhaps to get a sense of importance/well-being by helping her, by saving her?

I get that. That's me. I still struggle with finding my own self-worth in MYSELF and not in "fixing/saving" others. It's called codependence and it's as tough to beat as any addiction. Hence the need for Al-Anon.

If you're struggling with understanding your partner, perhaps reading this classic reading sticky will shed some light on things.

As for the guilt, I get that too. You want to be a person of honor. But sometimes, in situations such as yours, you need to give yourself permission to bow out and take care of the most important person in the world: YOU. If you don't take care of YOU, who will?

barb dwyer 09-01-2010 09:03 AM

Well, then Shanon -

since yo promised to help her with all that -
you can either make a single appointment
get her to bring all the paperwork and all that
or you might (if you 've got the $$$)
consider a court advocate for that.

i was saying in another thread that many local courts
(they're mandatory here in MT)
are so overwhelmed by cases
they've begun a n 'advocate system'
where a fully trained person
walks you through the process so you can do the smaller stuff yourself.

Probating a will would be one of them..

Now about the death certificate -
the county sent that to me.
i didn't have to go get it.

Even so -
it's just a matter of a car ride.

Keep it simple
keep it brief
and keep it to ONE time.
ONE ... afternoon...

Don't get sucked into
going back again and again for more and more.

Stick to what you said
and if you get a lot of resistance
you did your part in being available to do it.

Anythng AFTER that ... is just 'the routine' , you know?

Hopefully something in there will help.

MsPINKAcres 09-01-2010 09:04 AM

Welcome to SR Shanon!

Hate that you have been affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction but glad you have found us!!!

My own recovery helped me learn how to take care of me, to realize I could not save my ex husband ~ I couldn't save my daughter (and grateful today she is choosing to save herself!!) ~ I can only save myself from unhealthy behaviors, choices and people.


and my new friend - so are you!

please continue to hang out with us, read the recovery literature, do good and healthy things for YOU ~ take the focus off of HER and put it on YOU!!


Shanon29 09-01-2010 09:23 AM

Thank you everyone. I did say that I would hepl her. However, we were only together for 6 months. Like I had mentioned in other post the affection everything died in April. Everything got worse. Until this last episode I just left. She will not speak to me. I have mentioned I am having ahard time dealing with the fact she hasnt emailed me. It is what it is at this point. I am finding myself today struggling with why doesnt she miss me. I was so good to her. How can this be so easy for her and taking everything out of me. Im so confused about her. I am finally realizing that maybe I was just there to help pay the bills. I dont know. I feel like crying once again. One minute I am okay then the next I feel like I just want to go to ehr house and make her talk to me. I know that is not going to help. All of this guilt is for sure coming from the aspect of I left. Ugh!

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:59 AM.