What medical tests help prove the damage?
 

My ah thinks that he does not fit the mold of a typical alcoholic. I know that only he can get help for himself .. but the question I have is this:

Is there any medical tests to show the affects of alcohol on a person? The fatty liver thing is out - he takes thistle by the fistful (hey, that rhymes, sort of) and has actually turned his liver blood test around to healthy.

I mean, goodness...all that drinking has to be doing damage. Isn't there some test to show it to my non-believer?

(yes, I am on board knowing I can't do any thing about his problem...but the question remains...)

((Anvil)) is right. I'm a recovering crack addict, presently smoking a cigarette (after having quit for 3 months, I'm back at it). I was also an RN for 12 years...I KNEW all the hazards of crack, was actually TERRIFIED of it, yet I became addicted to it. I know all the hazards of smoking..yet I'm still doing it.

Until we're ready to do something about our own issues, it doesn't matter WHAT we're shown or told about...we're going to downplay it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

The liver actually has some pretty amazing regenerative properties. Until you get to the bitter end, there may be a little bump in liver tests, but there also might not be.

And even if there were such a test, one would think that the damage to relationships would be enough to "prove it." Or the damage to career. Or to criminal records. Or any number of other things. They manage to deny through all of these other things - a medical test isn't going to be any different.

It's beyond weird, isn't it? We see it plain as day - and they can't/won't.

Weird.

He's such a smart man. I'd think he'd see...but he doesn't. His career is going great - he doesn't get hungover...there's just me and my son (and our therapist, who he quit) who see it.

Really mind boggling.

Well, my exabf now has lupas too. I stay in touch with his sister and that's the latest news.

She said the doctors told him they believe it is related to his cocaine habit, he also has what they call a cocaine heart,rhumatiod arthritis and his liver is borderline.

His take, no, all these illinesses have nothing to do with being a pot, cocaine/alcoholic for over 25 years...you see, the it's all about denial.

All the tests in the world will not prove a thing or change a thing with an addict or alcoholic.

It is frustrating, but, they hear the beat of a different drummer.

whereisthisgoin... my exAH had/has a damaged liver. He went thru 6 months of intensive liver treatment... it made him sick as a dog... puking, blisters everywhere, fever, etc. 4 months into his treatment his insurance dropped him (even after prior approval of 6 month treatment)... we scratched and scraped for his last 2 months of treatment. He didn't go back for his final check up. He said he didn't have insurance... within 2 weeks... he was in full blown denial... said he didn't have a doctor either....

He was told point blank (face to face) from his doctor... if you take valium and drink again... it WILL kill you. He's back to drinking 1/2 a fifth of vodka along with pills and cocaine.... that's what addicts and alcoholics do.

So to answer your question/statement... "I know that only he can get help for himself..but" anything you have to say or add to the but part... doesn't matter... it simply doesn't matter to him.

Your "non-believer" is a denier and that is his choice. Coming to terms with that was one of the most difficult things I had to do... if I didn't let go of it... I'm certain I'd still be on the soapbox reciting his doctor and showing him the test results.... it just doesn't matter.

Take care.

I do appreciate the stories of others who have had similar experiences. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Before I learned about detaching, I tried to tell my ah he was in denial. Have you ever had that conversation? It's a doozie.

Well, uh, yah. It went something like this:

Me: Sweetie, you have a drinking problem.
Him: No I don't.
Me: Honestly, I think you're in denial.
Him: No I'm not.
Me: I think you are.
Him: No I'm not!!

Hehe *real* productive!

Ours was:
Me and/or the therapist: "You're in denial".

Him: "That's absolutely a trap statement. What can a non-alcoholic do with a statement like that? If I'm in denial, I'm an alcoholic - if I'm not in denial, I'm an alcoholic".

ugh.

My AH had most of his pancreas removed after years of pancreatitis, and to hear him tell it, it had nothing to do with his alcoholism.

Nine hours of surgery, days in ICU. It was caused by his gall stones of years before. It was caused by him being born with defective bile ducts.

Never could it have possibly be caused by pancreatitis due to his alcoholism.

Denial is just that: the inability to see or admit reality.

You say you know he can only help himself, yet you are out to 'prove' to him that he needs help. Those two things cancel each other out. In fact, that contradiction is 'proof' that you need help for codependence. Does it matter to you?

L

I just find the disease almost fascinating. With other diseases, you can point to a test result and it's clear: you have <failed test name> disease.

With an alcoholic, there doesn't appear to be such a test.

Not only that - but the person with the alcoholism disease can't see it.

This is a ridiculous version of the Emperor Has No Clothes.

It would be waaaay easier for me to come to terms with if my AH was getting DUIS, losing his job, etc. But that's not the case. He's excelling at work - always knows to take a taxi....

yet drinks an incredible amount (INCREDIBLE) amount of alcohol.

I think you misread my post.
 

I didn't mean easier to live with.
I meant easier to come to terms with.

It's a tough argument when he says, "yeah, I drink more than most - but I'm not in the gutter and I'm not getting duis....I don't drive drunk, and, in fact, I just got an amazing promotion at work. I don't fit the mold of an alcoholic"

I said the SAME exact thing whereisthisgoing, when I was trying to figure how how to leave, and then, I realized that I was looking for an excuse...or for validation that it was ok for me to leave. If XAH had been a full-out abuser, if he beat me senseless or if he fall asleep in a puddle of vomit, I would have been better, or justified, about leaving.

Eventually, I decided that the crap that was going on in the marriage was enough *for me*.

Do you have kids together?

Yes, a baby girl, who was 14 months old at the time I left.

This is exactly what I'm trying to come to terms with.

I'm going to bring the wrath of this board onto myself - but it's tough to know what to do when you have a child involved. As a family, we are hanging in there - some days are better than others - but we are hanging in there.

I think about divorce while our child is in highschool and I wonder what resolution divorce brings us. We'll still have to deal with AH. In fact, from what I understand, I have to give him our son for half the summer! That's a tough pill to swallow in the name of all that is right. Son will have to schlep his stuff between houses ... and, when he's with AH, I no longer will have insight into what is going on.

Please understand I'm in a the process of thinking and writing out my thoughts - I find this place an awesome sounding board.