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I didn't mean easier to live with. I meant easier to come to terms with. Life is full of choices. Choose to deal now. Or choose to wait and deal when things get worse. Things will get worse because alcoholism is progressive. |
Originally Posted by anvilhead
(Post 2619791)
have you spoken with an attorney familiar with the divorce and custody laws of your state? so that you have sound practical legitimate information upon which to make a sensible decision? have you read up at all on the impact of living in an alcoholic home can have on a child? are you willing to wait for it to get worse, which it will, and then have much fewer options at your disposal? besides work, what other activity does your husband seem to devote most of his time to? is it you? is it your son? or is it DRINKING? The attorney consultation is a good idea. |
Maybe it might be beneficial to just drop the labels. It doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if he drinks too much and doesn't have a problem with it. Even if you could make him see or make him realise, doesn't mean he would rush out to get help with it. It's not an issue for him, why should he change anything? What matters is that you feel he drinks too much and it's an issue for you. |
Originally Posted by Tally
(Post 2619799)
Maybe it might be beneficial to just drop the labels. It doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if he drinks too much and doesn't have a problem with it. Even if you could make him see or make him realise, doesn't mean he would rush out to get help with it. It's not an issue for him, why should he change anything? What matters is that you feel he drinks too much and it's an issue for you. Only divorce clears up some issues - but certainly brings other. It's really not utopia on either side of the fence. |
If you have proof that he is an alcoholic, you can demand, through your custody and divorce proceedings that he abstain from consumming alcohol while caring for your son. Sure, this means you'll have to be the booze police for some time, but that specific provision is what put my XAH off from wanting to take DD for a long period of time, because he can't be without his booze. I made sure to indicate that if I at any time found him to be consumming alcohol while with DD, that I would request supervised visitation. I SO know what dilemma you're facing, wondering if it would be any better to share custody with an irresponsible alcoholic rather than just "tough it out" with him. It's what kept me in my marriage longer than I should have stayed; I was terrified of the outcome. And yet, here I stand, 8 months later, with sole custody and my divorce in hand, and XAH is slowly disappearing. It shocks even me how HP has my back. Remaining married to this man is really your decision alone, HOWEVER I would point out that by doing so, you're sending a message to your son that it is acceptable for a man behave the way your H is behaving (and that women will stand by while their spouse drinks away the marriage). Perhaps if you think of your son behaving like this father, it'll ellicit a different line of thought...Perhaps if you spoke with some ACOA you might understand what it's like to grow up in a household where there's a big elephant no one is allowed to speak of. Yes, it's true that you'll still have to deal with your AH if you are divorced, but you will have some DISTANCE and SPACE from him. Am I to understand that your child is of high school age? Then if that is the case, he's old enough to express to the courts where he wants to stay. The courts will take into account his opinion in the matter. If he isn't that age, then there are ways to get around 50/50 custody. I hope you don't see this as a flame. I just wanted to respond as someone who's BTDT and make it through ok. |
I am glad you wrote this! Hope you see my question to you. Am I to understand that your child is of high school age? Then if that is the case, he's old enough to express to the courts where he wants to stay. The courts will take into account his opinion in the matter. I hope you don't see this as a flame. I just wanted to respond as someone who's BTDT and make it through ok. How did you prove alcoholism to the court?? |
In my case, it wasn't necessary to prove it. I just included it in my sworn affidavit that my XAH consummed 2-3 liters of beer on a daily basis, along with sleeping pills at night. I started documenting in a handwritten journal on a daily basis what he did, said and drank. I also gathered the receipts from all his alcohol purchases, organized by date. I used that to back up my affidavit. Seeing as my X never showed up in court to defend his rights, I never had to provide proof. I think what helped my case is that I specifically mentioned that I did NOT want to deprive my daughter of her father's presence in her life, but that I insisted that she be cared for safely, hence my demand for custody. I think the courts will look more favourably on a parent who's trying to find a way for the child to see both parents than on a parent who's categorically refusing to let the other parent be in the child's life. As mentioned though, your son is of age to testify as to where he wants to live. The mediator I consulted early on in the separation process also functioned as a "child rights' advocate", and he would often meet up with parents and teen/tweens to get a sense of where the child stood on matters of custody. So, if you son doesn't want to be around his father, it would be entirely within his rights to refuse to visit. It might be hard to refuse, but just know that the option is there. |
Thanks, noday. My son loves his dad and would definitely want to still see him. He needs his father. I would agree to the visitation under a sober scenario. I wish we could get a sober scenario here and now. |
Ugh I understand wanting that sober scenario without all the drama and heartache of divorce. Perhaps you can think of divorce as an opportunity to give you and your son a "Sober Space", free from madness and drama...it's not "perfect" nor "ideal", but isn't it better than what you're living through right now? |
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