Fighting a weak moment...
 

I woke up this morning... and I was pretty sad at the fact that he hadn't tried to contact me. Despite having blocked him from emailing or calling me, I knew there were 'other' ways to contact me. I just wanted to know that he still cared.

I had a male friend spend the night with me last night. (Mind you, I was never allowed to hang out with this guy, because my ex thought there was more to it). No one was home, and I didn't like the idea of being alone (and I have about three friends) and nothing else to do. I've been hanging out with this guy a lot, because we enjoy hiking, biking and climbing together (neither of us really have anyone else to do it with, as all our climbing buddies scattered off). My mind had been pretty preoccupied all weekend.. so it hit me this morning.

I hadn't spoken to him since tuesday, when it was finally called quits for good. So, I start my day, just annoyed at the fact that "he doesn't care" or "he would have tried to contact me". I went to leave this morning.. and I saw a note on my car.

It broke my heart. He came by the one night a guy is here. The note read something along the lines of:

"So this is really it? I'm so upset and crying. You have X in your bed. I wasn't telling you lies, I thought you'd see that. Everything was exaggerated. I loved you so much. I didn't deserve this, I have a good heart. I swear on my life you are misinformed of whatever you're hearing. Why Jenny Why did you leave? Why are you doing this?"

I felt SO bad. I decided to send him a message (which he can't respond to) saying how it all became too much, the pain was unbearable, and I had to block him so I wouldn't get sucked in. I wanted to reassure him that X and I are only friends (just because I know how badly that would hurt). I told him I was sorry, I just couldn't do it anymore. I said, I didn't want answers anymore, that it was over.

---
Now, I'm left wanting to contact him. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to hear his voice. I feel SO bad, even though nothing happened. I don't like hurting him, as it hurts me so much. I feel so guilty for causing him pain. I'm very proud of myself, for the fact I called my friend, and then came here, rather than calling him. I felt like he deserved it. My last ex broke up with me, and ignored me for three months. No explanation, and I learned how extremely painful that was.. which is why I told him my reasons.

I keep telling myself.. if he's that desperate to try and reach me, he could. He knows where I live. He could easily use another phone in attempt to get me to answer. That is the only thing that makes my guilt subside.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him. I just want to hear his voice. I had a really great weekend - I've been super busy, I haven't cried. I just had a great time, and that is my driving force to move forward. I just feel..stuck.

Any words of advice, opinions, or anything would be greatly appreciated. It really helped me to just write it all out here.

Thank you for listening.

Weak moments are understandable.

Let me ask, how many times has he said words of "sincerity", made you feel bad, made you feel like you should apologize, run back to him, etc...... just to have the same outcome over and over?

Jenny,

I still keep a list in my wallet that says:
__________(insert alcoholics name)
love comes with:

drunkeness
emotional instability
physical illness
legal problems
power plays
manipulation
depression

That list is 16 months old. It is a little tatered on the edges now.

Here is something you posted recently about your A:
He devalued my opinions. He made me think the way he wanted me to think. He convinced me I was crazy. When it really comes down to it, he was a horrible, horrible boyfriend. Simply, because he couldn't communicate, and hear my side of things.

Jenny, if you think about your relationship as an addiction, then you are in withdrawl.

You need a lot of healing. So does he. But I'm concerned with you. Your healing has to take into consideration that you're not thinking as a healthy person 100%. The insane thinking is the fixation on him, how he's feeling, his emotions, his this, his that.

He is fine, he will be fine, sorry if it hurts your ego but please. Re-read his other Jenny's email, his ex. Don't you want to be like her? Mature? Over him?

You have to remember No Contact. So what if he sees a car. So what if he sees ten cars and they're all members of the USA male surfing team. It's none of his business! You have your life and you need to heal and move on and get space! He knows your WEAK SPOT and danged if he didn't reel you in!

Tough love Jenny. Leave him alone.

Hugs,

Soph- because I have been there!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't call him. I've been reading here for about an hour, and the desire to call has passed. I appreciate you throwing those points back in my face - I needed it.

I do focus on him, entirely too much. HE WILL BE FINE. This isn't ALL my fault. I will just keep repeating. Thank you so much, for showing me how to not be so guilty.

I do know how hard it is. I used to wish simultaneously that my XAH would never contact me again, and strangely all I wanted was to hear from him. I had grown so comfortable in my nervous state of, whatever it was, agitated love or obsession, or drama, I guess. I just kept re-reading my journal, over and over, all the times I wrote in my pain. That helped.

Hugs,

Soph - and you're not alone!

Jenny, IMO, your xABF's note is an attempt to manipulate you. He seems to want to make you feel guilty about trying to move on. You have every right to move on and heal. You have every right to have friends and their support.

I completely understand wanting to hear his voice. It's all I wanted from by AH for such a long time after I left him. While he was still drinking, all I got were calls that were manipulations and invitations to join his pity-party; they definitely did not leave me feeling any better. (Now that he's not drinking, it's a whole other issue, but that should be another thread.)

As soph posted, relationships with an A can be like an addiction. They take time/work to get over. There will be moments when the temptation to contact him are so strong.

Keep on keeping yourself busy. Keep reading, keep posting, keep seeing your friends.

Hey Jenny,

I am a newbie to this letting go stuff too. I do have a great relationship with my HP and this is what has made it easier, it still hurts, but one day at a time, you know.

I too have made a list and I currently have 36 things on it that I detested about my XAGF. I call it my help kit. It is on the desktop of my computer and when I am on it, I keep it open. Making this list is helping me get through this.

I have received calls from mutual friends that we had together and I have explained to them if they want to talk about my XAGF, then don't bother calling. They say she is not picking up her phone, and I tell them, been there done with it.

Jenny, jenny, jenny...:tapping:rant:

Jenny,
Yup, he is laying it on thick, trying to make you feel guilty, and it's working. You were taking care of you and spending time with your friend - RIGHTLY SO - and now you are second-guessing yourself, feeling low, feeling guilt, and now have gone and caved in and contacted him, all because he left you a note.

You are falling for it.

You are feeling guilty about what you ASSUME he feels. What, he's really that hurt? Well too effin' bad. He can't be THAT hurt, he's still drinking isn't he? Whatever. (I have a bad attitude about him for some reason so sorry if I sound vulgar).

Part of his stupid little note said, "I'm so upset and crying...I loved you so much." Here's what I say: "Yeah? So?" Because these guys actually believe that the simple fact that they say they "love" you should mean you take them back, put up with their nastiness, their irresponsibility, immaturity, selfishness, their bull$**** for an eternity. No thanks. And NO CONTACT.

I understand what you say, Jenny. I never want to hurt other people either, esp those that I care for/cared for. You don't wanna be one of them - the kind of people who are so callous, and fling revenge over the fence because you feel you've been slighted. You wanna rise above, and want others to respect you for it.

But...

you still know what you know, you can still move on.

He may have been sincere (if that exists for him) and he may have been laying a trap, I say it doesn't matter. You did what you felt you needed to, and one day those feelings will not be so strong.

Just be careful of him now continuing the "discussion". So, no contact next time, right?

The next time you have an urge to call him.....write down what you want to say to him. Then write down what he does that makes you mad. Then compare the two and see which one is more powerful.

Yes, it is all about him, his feelings, his hurt.....http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...duck_quack.jpg nothing else is as important to him, as HIM.

Look on him as a part of your life that is ended, is done with, finished. You have moved on where he is NOT invited to follow......to foul up your life again.

Stay NC, and if he comes around again.....tell him to go find someone who needs to be miserable, and it is not you.

No doubt you will cop this for a short while, til he figures out that you are using up his drinking time......where upon he will stop hassling you.

God bless

Words whisper, actions shout.

And his whispering words are putting all of the blame on you and others (who I assume are the source of the "misinformation").

You keep on shouting with your own actions, Jenny.

THANK YOU!

Actually, part of his 'stupid little note' that pissed me off the most:

"I have a good heart. I never deserved this" -- I too have a good heart, and I too, DID NOT DESERVE THIS. It has taught me to stop handing out my heart so easily to others, and to place it onto myself though.

I never really considered his note manipulation (I'm so bad at this)... but after reading what you've said.. he never once said he was sorry. He never once acknowledged the way I FELT. He simply said, "he was hoping I'd see he wasn't lying" --- when in fact, when I approached him about the lie, I got the "F you, F you" lines... Very convincing, might I add?

I feel much better this morning. I feel much better after reading your responses - to really see it for what it is. I'm tired of beating myself up. So what if he hurts - I hurt too...

Exactly Jenny. For alcoholics it is always just about them. They will never worry or care what pain or misery they will cause in our lives, but you better believe they will let us know anytime something we might do causes them to feel uncomfortable.

Manipulation is often present when there dysfunction in a relationship. I have certainly been guilty of it in the past, even in relationships with non-alcoholics. Enmeshed relationships were the worst for me and since I am not willing to be that involved with people anymore (I mean in an unhealthy way), I have the time and space to think about my responses instead of knee-jerking which was my previous speciality. Now I can check my own response, but also have the time to ponder what the other person is REALLY saying.

I am often accused of being a cynic when I point out flaws in a seemingly heartfelt letter or conversation, however I believe that I am simply being realistic.

Keep on your path and let him worry about his.

"I am often accused of being a cynic when I point out flaws in a seemingly heartfelt letter or conversation, however I believe that I am simply being realistic."

I can relate to that as well.. I was told I had become, "indifferent". My take was, I'd become realistic, and stopped living in his fantasy world.

Hang in there Jenny. Contacting him is like a drug for you. you just had a relapse. Now you are trying to get back on the wagon and it's twice as hard. But if you just let yourself get through the urges without acting on them, you'll feel better and stronger on the other side.

Eventually this will pass, if you let it.

Thank you :)

To be completely honest.. The urge has completely subsided. Sure, I could call him.. BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO SAY.. It'd be pointless. I don't want to hear his apologies, excuses or hear him cry. I've got nothing left to say to this man. I'm not even mad anymore... it is what it is.