you know jenny,

when i read about the note from the ex, i thought of a ham actor.
somethng shakespeare said, paraphrasing,
the world is a stage and we are merely players.
well, in his world, he is the star of the stage, and everyone else is playing a bit part.
he wants to sneak up to the car, in the middle of the night, and leave his heartfelt note.
<gag>
i laughed when i thought of him "emoting" his feelings out there, all alone, pulling his hair out because you are not in the audience or on his stage supporting the crap acting.

oh my, he is pitiful. not.
lol

First: No, you are not bad at this, you are new at this. Try to start (24 hours a day) catching all the little ways you see yourself in a negative light. Each time, stop yourself as soon as you realize what you are doing and turn the negative description into a positive. Then, restate the original, negative thought with the new, positive thought. Practice, and keep practicing.

Second: With time and detachment you will become "smarter" about these things. Let me tell you, you will start to see how they lay the BS on thick, LITERALLY batt their eyelashes at you and act like innocent five-year olds whose feelings YOU hurt. They will proclaim their love, tell you you are soulmates, you are meant to be, all kinds of romantic BS, to keep you taking care of them.

So don't fall for it. Keep up the good work!! :grouphug:

Oh gosh.. that pains me. It pains me to think others are laughing at him. It pains me when my dad laughed and said, "Well F him".... Why do I feel SO sorry for him? I feel his pain.. standing out there... writing that note.. and I feel pity for him.

WHY?!!??!

:e136:Doh!

Snap out of it sista!!! :twak:

Hey Jenny,

Three words for you

"CoDependent No More"

I went to Barnes and Noble today and got my copy. I couldn't begin to tell you how much "I" am in there, and have been in there most of my life. It will speak to you, I know it! Go get it! I am over half way through it. Lot's of encouragement and exercises for self reflection.

What Jadmack25 said. Remember it. Live it.

oh, jenny, i am sorry.
i have some distance from my ex and his histrionics, i forgot it is still a close thing for you.
one day, you will get this manipulation for what it is.
classic, self absorbed, selfish, scene stealing king baby.
the attempts to get your attention could ramp up, gird your loins.

This has gotten me thru..
I didnt cause it.
I cant cure it.
I cant control it.

And I think my stbxah is just a mentally sick man so coupled with above talking to him would only hurt me. Its only been a couple weeks but it feels like a lifetime since I spoke to him because I have been busy taking care of me and having FUN!

Wicked - I wasn't offended by what you said.. I just felt sorry for him I guess. One day at a time.. right?

It's morning, so I haven't had much time to process information.. so here I am, missing him.

I agree Anvilhead - I considered it a romantic act, when you're right, it was FAR from it. It was completely selfish, self-absorbed and everything Wicked said. I recall someone mentioning how they make little things HUGE deals - and that's me. "Aww, he came in the middle of the night and showed me he cared, how sweet". Really, it was stalkerish, and it was minimal. I give him far too much credit. He's still a Jerk, a bully, an abuser, and pretty surely, a psychopath... but I love him.

How do you define love, Jenny?

Maybe my love is addiction...

Someone similar to a best friend.
Who I can confide in, and know they're always there for me.
Someone who makes me melt when I look in their eyes, and we can talk without saying a word.

I'm put on the spot. Honestly.. The way I define love doesn't fit him.. much at all. It's how I wanted it to be.

I loved the "I love you sweety" text messages in the morning.
I loved that he took pleasure in cooking me dinner.
I loved that he would go visit family with me, and actually have a good time.
I loved the way he grabbed my face when he kissed me.
I loved the way I'd catch him watching me in awe.
I loved when he told me how beautiful I was.
I loved the way our bodies were embraced as we fell asleep.

So.. stupid little silly things. I don't even know what love is perhaps. Love is unconditional. Love is fearless. Love, is what I feel for my parents.

I'm really tired, and haven't had coffee yet. Maybe this will change. Maybe I THINK I love him. I feel like I do.. but perhaps I'm confused on what love really is. Maybe... all he is, is a drug to me.

No, he doesn't seem to fit. So perhaps addiction is a more appropriate term.

Can you see how most of the things in your list are about you? That the man is kinda irrelevant as long as he worships you? :wink3:

Defining love is really important, I think. We won't all have the same definition but understanding what we mean individually avoids buying into what society/the media/Hollywood feeds us without thinking about it.

Enjoy your coffee!

:thanks

What I meant by my comment on your list, but was distracted by making my own cup of coffee, was that if you can find a way of meeting the underlying needs yourself, then you will be free to love and appreciate other people for themselves and their unique positive qualities. And also, to be able to recognize more unhealthy or inappropriate qualities and respond accordingly. That requires detachment and a healthy sense of our own selves, though. And that takes a lot of hard work, I know. Because I did, and am still doing it, myself.

There's subtlety and nuance in this that I always find hard to convey in the written word. I shall ponder some more......

Bolina..

Not to long ago, I asked myself the question: "Am I capable of loving someone"? I think... my conclusion was no. I'm too selfish in getting my own needs met, that I fail to take into account the needs of them. While I do everything in my power to make them happy, I think ultimately, my happiness is more important. Maybe I'm just not fit to love... you know?

Be careful with this statement. It's exactly what got me involved with the wrong kind of people because I convinced myself, after the end of yet another toxic relationship, that I was a) incapable of loving and b) not fit to be loved. I ended up in a frightening downward spiral of self-destruction and self-punishment.

Having a child and freeing myself from the abusive alcoholic in my life is finally what taught me that I AM very worthy of love, and that I have an infinite capacity to love. It took some time though and I'm still learning EVERYDAY how to love myself. I hope you are able to take the same kind of time to fall in love with yourself...

:agree Thats a spoonful of wisdom right there!

Goes along with the old adage "if I only knew then what I know now."

Jenny- i am new at this and God knows I am completely lost in my own issues. BUT-when you say you dont know if you are capable of loving someone..... I have asked myself that same question. I am slowly learning that I need to learn to love myself and respect myself in order to make it possible to show good, positive, growing love to someone else.

I agree with everyone else. He felt threatened by the fact that you may have possibly moved on so throwing some "feel sorry for me" at you was his next trick.

If you have a guy friend to hang out with that is sober, fun and positive stick with that....and posting on here of course. The people here are amazing!

Thank you Spinwc! I no longer feel guilty about any of this. I've done all I can do!

I too, believe I am CAPABLE of love.. I know I have a very kind, loving, sensitive heart. I just know it's going to take a long time for those traits to show through, and the selfishness to subside.

I really have no interest in any romantic relationship for a long time to come. It seems so hard to 'learn' how to love and care about yourself.. when it should come so natural. I'm not sure about your childhood, or entire situation - but, I started reading, "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood... and it really goes to shy why I act the way I am. I'm excited to get to the recovery chapter lol, because it seems so far away.. and impossible. I wish you luck hun!! Get some good books!