I just need to tell someone - in a state
 

I probably shouldn't even be writing this but I need to tell someone. I cant handle having noone to talk to about it. I didn't get chance to have a talk with my ABF about his drinking and us because he had soem bad news. He had a medical exam and a biopsy taken last week and he told me on Friday that they found some malignant cells. I couldn't get much more info out of him as he'd obviously drunk before and after seeing the Dr, and then he didnt want to talk about it over the weekend. He didn't want me to tell my mum becase he doesn't want anyone to know until he's had further tests to find out what exactly is going on.

He had a psychiatrist appoitntment today and he got very drunk (I think just alcohol) beforehand because he was scared. I dont understand why he is always quite so scared about going there. He called me after the appointment and was very upset. Said that he has to go back tomorrow and they want to take him into their care for a couple of days respite. He wont see me today and I cant get any further info out of him.

I'm just in a bit of a state becasue everythign is getting on top of me. I cant share any of this with anyone. I'm scared that he might have cancer. I'm scared that he is going to continue drinking and make his illness even worse, so that treatment wont help. I'm scared about them admitting him (not because i think its wrong, but it's all unknown to me). I'm scared and worried and totally alone. He wont talk to me about any of it and always wants to deal with it alone. So I'm left alone, in a mess. I'm trying to be strong for both of us, but I'm not used to dealing with this stuff, especially without anyone to talk to.

My ex-BF is still a very close friend and someone I could always talk to about anything, but it would feel wrong if I talked to him about this stuff. I dont want to worry my mum about it all, and ABF doesnt want anyone else to know. I dont know what to do.

I'm leaving it all down to him and not getting involved with it, but I want to know what is happening and I want someone to help me through it. I thought we could try to get through it together but he just wants to be alone (probabyl to drink).

I felt like I couldnt bring up the drinking over the weekend becasue of this health scare, and I couldnt talk about anything personal with him. He would just get defensive and annoyed if I even tried to ask him what he has to do this week.

The whole situation is getting out of hand for me, and I'm all alone in it. I dont really know what to do.

Why would he keep this such a big secret? is he usually this secrative?
Could he be making this up so you can feel sorry for him and then you won't nag him to change?

Sorry to sound so negative, but I rarely trust an active addict. I think you're in the UK right, on medicare, they don't usually take a biopsy and get the results the same day.

Do you have any close friends you can talk to?

****{IWC}}}

I'm so sorry you were thrown another curve ball.

Leaving it to him and not getting involved is really the only option. The only thing you can do. I really think this is a walk that he must do alone. It is the only way. Sadly, that leaves you alone too. Turn it over to your HP if you can. His HP will be with him, and yours with you.

Continue to post here for support. Continue to focus on your recovery. Continue to uphold your boundaries. Continue to be a healthy person. That is important. His walk may lead him to a healthier place as well. He is at least finally making contact with the people that can help him. Don't get in his way.

PS: I also considered that he might be making it up. I wouldn't have put it past my xah at all. It is very convenient that not another soul knows. I was giving the benefit of the doubt ;)

I'm glad you posted. Just a gentle nudge from me to you, go to Alanon, please. My abf had cancer and abused alcohol and drugs, while I lost my serenity and sanity. You have normal fears about his diseases. He doesn't know how to cope and he thinks alcohol helps him.

My sadness comes from the knowing. If I had a major health issue like cancer, abf would not be any kind of support for me. I know this. This knowledge helps me to detach more. It sucks. His cancer, not yours.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. Truthfully, ask yourself, if he can't care enough about himself to quit the drink... How is it he can ever give a damn about you? He can't! It's all about him now. Where does that leave you?

I'm so sick of the self centered ways of the A's.

By the way, my abf's cancer squamous cell carcinoma, is often caused by smoking and alcohol use. Scarry huh? He still smokes and drinks and yet, I'm the crazy bitch who suffers.:wtf2

Hi there,

You are never alone.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Alot of us here know how frustrating it is to deal with someone else being sick, and them not wanting our help. Us co-dependants have alot of trouble with that, not being able to "be there" for someone else. But it's his choice to do it alone. It's his choice to drink while he does it. And he wants the dignity and responsibility to do it himself. If he asked for your help, you would give him what he wants. But he's asking you to leave him alone, so why not give him what he wants?

Reading your post was an eye opener for me on that subject. I only want to give people what they want, when I agree that they should have it. woah. Not good for my recovery.

I would like to say that I have read your other posts, about wanting to talk to him about his drinking, and I understand how eager you must have been to get that over with. I am all too familiar with the tangled feeling inside that I get when I plan a conversation with someone... the anticipation, stress about how they will respond, the possibility of an arguement. I know that the waiting is the hardest part, because our brains start working overtime, obsessing over what the conversation will be like, how it may go, etc. Point is, I think alot of your frustration right now is simply due to the fact that you weren't able to have this conversation with him. But now more than ever, you have to have it.

It's easy to think, "well, he has enough to deal with now, i can't add this to it, it will just upset him and make things worse. I can't bring up my feelings, and what I am going through..." Walking on eggshells to make the A comfortable. Look what it's doing to you though.

If he does have cancer, are you going to stick around for it? Is it the best choice for you and your health/happiness? It's so easy for us to put others first in times like these, but I ask you to remind yourself of what it will do to YOU to stick around and watch him live his life the way he wants to. Cancer or no cancer. It may sound heartless, (because I have been called a heartless ***** before, but he was drunk, so consider the source:c031:), but i just want to remind you that you have the option of taking care of yourself here.

Someone will always be here for you, to listen. I know that I can always come here and get a shoulder, so I'm sure you can too! You are not alone!

:ring

The thought occurred to me as well, that maybe he anticipated your big conversation, and made this up to distract you. Thanks to Thumper and Peach for being "man enough" to say it! It's a shame what living with A's has done to so many of us.... so hard to trust.

thanks everyone. I must confess I also wondered if maybe he made up the malignant cells part, but i went with him to the hospital last week so I know they did do a medical procedure and took a biopsy. He got the results a couple of days later. I'm not totally sure about the malignant cells - but I think it would be awful if he made that up. I dont think he really would, but the thought is lurking. I've said I'd be there for hima nd go with him to his next appointment to find out what is going on, but dont know whether he'd want me to.

Do you really think that I should still have my planned conversation (you're right that I am very stressed because I couldn't do this over the weekend)? I do think that he needs to be able to rely on me right now, and it would add to his problems, but then again I cant just ignore all my needs.

I've calmed down a little now, and am getting on with my own things, but its still buzzing round my head. It helped just to get it all out on here.

I feel guilty now but I am wondering more whether he did make up the cancer part. Surely he wouldnt do that. I dont want to be with someone who'd lie about something like that. Its terrible. Maybe its just because you've suggested it that it seems more possible. I didnt really think he'd do that before. How would I know if he did make it up though? he could continue lying then say it was a mistake or something. More problems.

I have found posting here is very therapeutic.

I know you want to be there for him but he wants to be left alone. This is hard for me to understand, because I am not this way. You apparently aren't either. because we have co-depedent tendencies - we like to get all up in other people's business. But this is not respectful or kind if they don't want us. It becomes intrusive - like an assault.

You have no choice but to leave him alone until he calls you. Ultimately this is his problem, not yours, and he gets to handle it however he wants to - whether you agree with his method or not.

I am sorry. I know you must be very scared for him.

his lying about cancer is the least of your worries. You should not want to be with a guy who an active addict, sees his ex gf and treat you like cr*p.
If you find out that he lied about this, would you leave him?

Yes I think I would have to. It is a truly dreadful thing to lie about having cancer. I dont think he has lied really, but i'm being suspicious now. He didnt want to tell me about it in the first place. If he was lying I think he'd have wnated to tell me, not tried to hide it.

Stella makes a good point there because I like to be left alone and my xah did not. Being co-dependent we treated the other as we wanted to be treated without regard to what they actually said. We know best and all. The end result is that I felt invaded a lot and he felt neglected a lot. :(

Anyway - yes I think I would have the planned conversation IWC. I think that in the end you'll both be better off for it, no matter which way this health issue goes. I especially think that since he is drinking with wild abandoned. He is in no position to want/except your support and there is no way to really support him anyway :(.

People are clever.

It could be not so much an outright lie but just awfulizing. Perhaps there is a .01% chance that the tests come back positive ya know? He's out there drinking himself silly planning a funeral, getting you all in a tizzy making himself the center of the universe. That is what my xah would have done (and sometimes did). He'd also do just the opposite with good stuff. He'd be planning a wealthy retirement, buying expensive golf clubs, and extolling what a great catch he was, based on the fact that an application made it through the initial acceptance phase. It is exhausting.

thanks thumper. It all depends if he gets admitted tomorrow I guess. If he is with me for the weekend then I can talk to him (even though he doesnt want to). For my sanity I need to talk to him. This is all such a mess. I'm getting lost. I dont know what to believe. It feels easier than usual to leave him to it - maybe because i want to helphim by giving him what he says he needs - space. If he asks me to be there I will. I cant help him if he doesnt want me to. I hate seeing him like this. It hurts so much to see him drinking so much and being ill. Its so painful. If i mention that i'm struggling with thigns or say what i need, he tells me i'm being selfish and not everything is about me.

also, its hard finding him in the right frame of mind to talk to me (or listen to me) about this difficult topic. I know automatically whether he will take the conversation well or not. Usually he wont and theres no poitn talking to him then.

"I do think that he needs to be able to rely on me right now, and it would add to his problems, but then again I cant just ignore all my needs."

No one knows what he "needs". As far as he's concerned, all he needs is another drink before he goes to the doctor. You only know what you need. Do what YOU need to do. If that is worry about him, and be there for him if he decided he wants you for something, than do that. But is that what you really want from him? for him to use you when he "needs" you?

Whether this scare is real or not, I agree with Thumper... this is his path, and he might be better walking it alone. There are valuable lessons to be learned from being thrown a curveball like cancer, and he can't learn them if you're pinch hitting for him. There are also valuable lessons to be learned from letting go and letting God...

iwc, we are just talking here...

can you see that he is right? this is NOT all about you. this is about him. his health, his drinking, his choices, his desires.

Your life is all about you and when you try to give him the drinking talk, you ARE putting your needs on him.

He should be taking care of him and you should be taking care of you.

Hands off the alcoholic.

AND - one other thing: can you see how a life with him keeps you constantly "in a state"? what would you life be like without all his drama?

My unsolicited advice is:
give yourself and him some room to breathe. :grouphug:

Well, um, I just wanted to chime in with this: my boyfriend of...maybe 8 years ago *did* make up the fact that he had gastointestinal cancer. He lost weight, looked like hell, and there were needle marks on him...He went so far as having me drop him off at the oncology department of a hospital to perpetuate his lies. Turns out he just didn't want me to leave him (and I suspect that he was back on heroin, which explained a lot of the physical symptoms he displayed).

Years later, I ran into a mutual acquaintance who said he thought I was a terrible person for having "broken J's heart". I probed a bit further and found that "J" was alive and well, living in the same city as I. I even crossed paths with him at the grocery store. So apparently, he didn't truly have deadly GI cancer.

People will go to any lengths to keep things the way they want. Just food for thought...

He will never take the conversation of "i am uncomfortable with your drinking" well. Don't expect him to.

You are being selfish, and it is all about you. Damn right, and WHAT"S WRONG WITH THAT????? There's nothing wrong with talking about your needs and feelings, but only when you realize that you are the only one that can do something about them. Not him. I was uncomfortable with my ex's drinking, and told him. My discomfort wasn't HIS problem though, it was mine, and I also told him how I was going to fix it. By saying goodbye to him, and all of his problems. I didn't expect him to fix it for me.

You don't know what to believe... here's something you can take to the bank. Your happiness is more important than his. Your sanity is more important than his. Your life is in your hands, not his. Do what makes you feel good, what makes you happy.

Now i feel like I'm saying too much. Sorry, my codie tendancies are really coming out today... I can see the pain you are in, and want to help. See how I am? haha

that is one thing about posting on here - we're all codie!

I am going to do the right thing and let him get on with his journey by himself. I wont force my help on him. he is definitely not codie as he really doesnt give any thought to how his actions and needs make me feel, so why should I care how I make him feel? If I want to tell him how i feel I will do. I'm not going to make any rash decisions any time soon though. Just try to let him get on with it in the way he wants to, even if i think it is the wrong way. I cant make any plans at the moment. If I get chance to have a conversation thats great, but if I dont (as he might not even be around), then I'll have to deal with it. If I make no plans I cant be disappointed.

It feels good to be able to write on here how I am feeling. That helps so much. I appreciate your replies.

just to add - I am so fed up with him wanting to deal with everything on his own. Is there anyone here who reacts like that to situations who could explain to me a little about that way of thinking so I can attempt to understand?

I used to do EVERYTHING myself, because I thought that asking for, or receiving help was a sign of weakness. I even got in a fight with a very nice man I was seeing once, because he wanted to help me at the barn, and I said "i don't need your help, What do you think I can't do it myself?" I took offense to the idea that he thought I "needed" help. When in actuality he was just being a gentleman. Some people just can't and won't accept help. But I was also a martyr, because I could complain about how I did everything myself. If people helped me, I couldn't complain anymore. How warped is that?

I know this is a "physical help" example, but I think the idea is the same.

I love asking for help now, btw. Physically, my chiropractor bill is way down, and mentally, I am a much happier person.

I am afraid that I will be rejected, let down, tricked. I do not trust people. I do not want to 'owe' people. I do not want to be dependent on anyone else. (That one is so ironic.) I process things internally. I never feel understood so I'd rather just not talk about it. I am defensive if I have not had time to think things through on my own first. I like to feel like I can do it all and that I have all the answers (which of course I do not).

All of which seems to be how I tick, not necessarily anything to do with the other person. I can't be 'fixed' by meeting the right person. Honestly, I'm fine dealing with things on my own. I don't see that as needing to be fixed. My xah is the opposite of me there and it irritated me - a lot. I had little patience with it. We were not a good match. I think he often felt alone and neglected.

The underlying reasons concern me because I don't know how I'll ever have an emotionally intimate relationship with all that going on. I think that needs therapy and hard work to fix - not the right person.

Your abf might have totally different reasons. People are complicated creatures. My point being he might not see it as a problem and even if he does, you can't 'fix it', not matter how great you are. It is an internal job.

i just spoke to him and I thought i heard his alkie mate in the background. When i asked him he said it was just the TV (what he always says when he's lying). I feel sick and shaky and angry and upset. I feel like telling him I dont care anymore. How could he say he wants to be alone then be with him? I'm very angry. I probably dont ahve a right to be do I? DOesnt stop me wanting to shout and scream.

What a way to live. I just can't imagine why in the world you put up with it.

anvilhead - yes it is cruel. I feel so drained. I hope he goes into hospital for a few days because i need a break from it all too. I've really felt like just shouting at him that if he wants to deal with everything alone, then perhaps he really should deal with everything alone - as a single man. I haven't said this becasue i dont want to say something i dont mean. I've been so angry with him. Whenever i tell him why i'm angry he just keeps sayign that not everything is about me, and that i'm being selfish for telling him that what he's done has hurt my feelings. I am tired of being a pawn in his game. When he's not like that he can be so thoughtful and loving - then i keep thinking it will all be OK. Its so stupid.

I WANT: you do not have to leave him, but make us a promise, you're going to learn how to detach just a little bit more everyday and when you're ready to leave, it will not be an overwhelming event.

I know you're hurting. When my ex was lying to me and deep into his addictions, I was livid, scared, baffled, hurt, then livid again
My mind was ALL over the place.

What your bf is doing is manipulating you like a rag-doll, doesn't that make you mad enough to punch him in the throat? If yes, take that feelling and detach. Don't punch him in the throat, but detach!

When he sees you're not his rag doll anymore and that you're getting emotionaly stronger, maybe he will regain some respect for you. But don't take it too personally, I've sat in the rooms of AA and heard about active addicts stealing food right out of their kids mouths for booze. He is who he is and you cannot change him, even if you stand on the spot and turn blue, he will not change.

or maybe you're afaid to tell him he can go it alone because he will say "ok"
You fear losing him and that's ok. We've all feared this. I fear losing my current RABF as well.

I've said this to you before and learned this in the walls of Al Anon, codies are SUPER selfish people because we try to save the addicts. Well maybe the time you saved him would have been his bottom and that bottom would have showed him the ways of recovery.

You have no right to save him, but have an obligation to let him hit botttom. No matter how much YOU hurt, this is not about you, it's about him

I hope you understand my point here.

This is the crux of the alcoholic/codependent dance. If he were consistently cruel, you would have walked a long time ago. He knows just when to throw you a few crumbs in order to keep you around. My husband did this for years. Just when I had almost enough, he would be all sweet and nice for a while. Kept me hooked for a long time.

It will not change. It works for him. Why would he change? The only way to end the dance is to stop dancing. I finally learned to value myself enough that crumbs weren't enough any more. I hope you will, too.

L

by the way, I care very much about your well being. If I seem impatient at times, it's just my thoughts projecting. I do want the very best outcome for you.