Off topic-dumb question about marriage
 

When you moved together with your partner, did you feel you were pampered and appreciated and that your life got easier? did that feeling stay?

I just have this idea from my little "sharing" experiences and talks with older women (for some reason I befriend women over 60 years old) I got the impression the workload doubles, housework is always an issue because males won't move a finger, and they won't do any chores related to the kids either. So basically its like adopting another kid.

Lots of resentment.

Perhaps I am biased but I was wondering about my life living alone, can't wait, and those of you who have shared you got a partner but don't share at home give me the impression of being very peaceful.

I guess I am realizing its true I may need to live alone and have my own space all the time, not only "for a few years". And instead of spending my savings in a future wedding day, I may as well repair my car and buy a gray Mazda 3.

Just realizing this while I take his white socks out of the washer machine for the Nth time.

OK, now back to my own work, the one that is actually paid...

Pampered? No, but that would feel weird to me.
Appreciated? Yes.
I happen to have a man who cooks (sometimes) and cleans and does laundry and ironing. In truth, he makes a better housewife than I do. We've both played that role.
I'm just sayin' there ARE men out there that have style and cook and clean...and aren't gay...at least I think he's not gay...I hope not, since he married me...:)
He does make my life easier. He changes my oil and finds boxes for packages I have been procrastinating sending and he cooks with me and puts stuff away after me in the kitchen (and always does the dishes). He helps plan trips and fixes stuff that gets broken. He washes my car. Yep. He makes life easier, for sure.
I have met a lot of women that feel resentful, too. In fact, I don't know of any other men that are as helpful and participatory in house and cleaning stuff as my H.
Hmm. I should prolly tell him again how fab he is.

It took awhile (a really long while, to be honest), but I found a man who is an equal partner in every way. We both do stuff around the house. I cook most of the time, but if I'm running late (or running on empty) he'll just do it. He does most of the laundry, although I do it too when I'm in the basement and see that something needs to be done. I can't explain it reallly, it just works. Neither of us feels like the other does too little, or doesn't appreciate the other etc. It just works.

I know for a fact that I got a healthier partner when I got healthier. After some nightmarish relationships where I got to be mother/caretaker/doormat/maid etc, I learned to set some boundaries and to communicate about what I wanted and needed

Although we were not married and he is an A, I did feel appreciated most of the time. He did all kinds of house chores (including my laundry). He was very sweet and thoughtful in domestic areas. It was the what happens out in the world stuff that he couldn't handle and I had to be the adult in those outside situations.

HAHA! Each kitchen appliance goes in a certain place. When we wash bags and put them back in the boxes, clean, there are 3 boxes (one for each size) and the washed ones must go back in the right box! I can be a pill with that kind of stuff, too (but mostly, I just move stuff if I want it somewhere else!)

My AH and I both do the laundry, we both cook and we both pay the bills. I do the cleaning inside and he does the cleaning outside. This is just something that has worked itself out over the last 17 years. Sometimes I get the feeling that he has to keep himself busy until it's time to pop the top on the beer. If he didn't stay busy, he would start drinking much earlier in the day. Which does happen on occasion and just means that he passes out earlier in the evening.

OMG it's SOOO TRUE!
But my H does it with the recycling. I will throw it in one of the bins (I'll sort it later), but he needs it in the proper bin.
But, for me, please don't put the measuring spoons in with the small kitchen gadgets - you KNOW they have their own drawer! :rotfxko

Ok BF just doesn't get one has to separate organics from inorganics.

Well I hate mayo, it is one thing I will NEVER LIKE, of course he has to eat tuna with mayo often and when I am at home.

So resentment comes because I know if he hated any food I would eat it elsewhere or with someone else. I would actually remember..

Also, for instance I have cooked and prepared lovely meals and dinners, now I think of WHEN has he returned the favor even with quesadillas? where I seat and watch youtube then someone comes and brings me warm food, asks what I want to drink then when I finish takes the dishes away? NEVER! or do something else instead of that? mmm.... nope.

Well he "washed" my car once? not including the windows?
And yesterday he fed the cats. Ok it was 11 pm and the cats were meowing demanding food and he was here all afternoon and ignored them. Sheesh....

Oops sorry.
What I wanted to say, is that I got no role models to follow in real life. I would like to know how something healthy looks like........

Not to self - if I am so fortunate as to have an SR member drop in for coffee, under no circumstance should I let them in my kitchen, or even worse, get their own spoon. :sons

:rotfxko

TC - find someone in real life that you think has it down and watch them. It is fascinating stuff, at least for me, who has really never seen healthy.

What I see is that people in a good relationship feel better about themselves when they are with the other person. They support each other. They trust that the other person has their back. They sometimes argue about the daily stuff but they are 'ok' after the arguement. They can say sorry and let it go because they did not hit below the belt. They might get angry but they do not manipulate. They protect both themselves and the other person. They respect each other. Their 'duties' are not always traditional or even but it is a balance among their strengths. I'm sure there are private difficulties I'm not privv too, and that they have had to work out difficulties, but it is quite eye opening when I am around them. I don't ever wince at what one does or says to the other. That should become a pre-requisite. If someone makes me wince, don't even bother, lol.

two things - one, anvilhead, you should KNOW the measuring cups belong in the drawer with the measuring spoons (NOTHING ELSE). The candy thermometer, melon baller, apple slicer, potato peeler, etc. have a different drawer. :)

And about healthy relationships...
the other day I caught myself passive-agressively joke-complaining-but-not-really-joking about my partner to his friend - in front of my H. I was trying to be playfully ribbing, but the truth is, I was just passive aggressive. (Well, that's obnoxious, not to mention hurtful, and was undoubtedly uncomfortable for the friend). I have since noticed when this friend and his wife talk about the other, they speak of respect and admiration for their other.
So there's one thing I learned.

Hoo boy, I loved some of these posts. RABF and I live in our own units in next door seniors complex, and the only financial thing we share is the car we co-own.

He (sober) is an "everything in it's place, pick it up now, wipe it, sweep it up," clean freak.....AKA known as a pain in the rear.
I am an "I'll do that later, it isn't in the way, if I won't trip over it...it's fine, this is home...not home magazine," in my own time and when I am ready old lady.

We take it in turns to have dinner at each others place.
He takes care of the car, helps me with heavy stuff, potters in my little garden and tries to order me around.

I could no more go back to sharing a place with him, than fly.....I would be in gaol, ER or a mental hospital in a week if we did, either of trying to kill the other or gaga.

This is perfect, as each has our space, or bolt-hole to escape to when needed, and if he did relapse... I am able to detach and go NC with less cr*p than many others.

No arguaments over TV, on computer at 2am, reading or cuppa tea during night.
No pinching blankets or snoring, farts or other problems.

Yeah, way to go.

God bless

Yes Jadmack, you are right. I think I'll skip that "getting together" thing altogether after these couple of experiences.

I hate it when they snore, sleep is sooooooooooo important to me. Usually I use earplugs but if I am on call 24x7 I got to be able to listen to my pager as I get tickets at any odd hour in the night.

I don't know how ppl can be together for so many years and not get bored.

Don't get me started with the bathroom - partner has stomach issues and I'm ok with one getting ill, but he keeps eating the same trash, and won't go to a doc because "they are all out to get the money". Right.

Or when the other one gets the flu, there's no way you are saved, either.

And goodbye to the midnight brownie... nope, either it bugs them or they want to share.. both are unacceptable responses :rotfxko

I get it, FindingPeace.

I have caught myself mocking BF at work. I try not to do that anymore. Its true, the ones with solid relationships talk about their SO with respect or concern, nothing else.

I got so much to learn.

My EXAH was a bag of hot air... continuous belches and farts and didn't care where we were when an eruption occurred.

Yep he's gone and took the fog with him.

I agree. Until I lived alone and fixed it so that I liked living alone, I never realized how much living with other people in my space messed me up. I live a simple life, I have a routine I follow every day, I plan for things ahead of time, I'm efficient and practical, I don't break things like some kinds of people seem to do, I am quiet and reserved and I get eight hours of sleep a night. I like it this way. When I live alone, I don't have to explain anything to anyone.