Repaired Picker? - Dating - Why would I pass THIS up?
 

Friday night meeting friend in AA, was talking to another guy about going for a motorcycle ride the next day, friend had things to do. I say "I'll go, I'll be your biker bi*tch for a day" - Ended up being the most wonderful day in a long time. Went riding through the country, stopped at a cafe for lunch. Went to his house and he cooked me steak, salad, and asparagus. He took me home, made no moves. He was a complete gentleman. However, it was a wee obvious he liked me. So, he's called and wants to get together tomorrow night.

Okay, when my husband left - I went to California for a weekend with an Ex - The one that got away. I managed to seduce my way into a plane ticket in the span of a week. I was manipulating without realizing it. He will always have a big place in my heart, but he does not want a relationship. That, and well, he lives in CALIFORNIA.

So, here's some facts about this man I know from AA:

1.) He's got 12 years sobriety
2.) Divorced for 11 Years
3.) Only known him to date one woman in three years
4.) He's well liked in AA, he's the kind of guy "What you see is what you get"
5.) Self-employed contractor and does well
6.) He's a motorcycle riding, guitar playing, sculpter (I'm an artist) <toungue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, his was the first house I went to hang out with others outside the rooms of AA. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves hiking, camping and has a boat!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 18 years older than I am.

Okay so 9 outta ten ain't bad. I think I'd be a nut to let dating this guy pass me by. I'm entitled to some fun. We're both mature adults so I don't see why the friendship would be jeopardy?

Keep in mind that my husband and I weren't intimate for 2 1/2 years, so I do not see it was jumping from one relationship to the next. We didn't even argue at the end. It was dead. dead. dead. I want to date. I do not want to ever bleach the skidmarks out of another man's underwear AGAIN. I don't even want to think about the FUTURE. I want to enjoy the present with a good man.

Thoughts?

Oh and did I mention, drove me home in his car and OPENED MY DOOR.

For those of you 18 years older than me, I do feel weird about the prospect of dipping into your dating pool. As at 37, I'd appreciate the 20 year olds staying out of mine! :-D

How long have you been sober? Are you divorced or in the process of a divorce (have the papers been filed)?

Thanks Suki,

2 1/2 years sober now. Maryland requires a year of seperation before they'll grant a divorce, wether papers been filed or not.

What do you say then? You ladies haven't steered me wrong yet.

I'd keep it as friendship for right now. But, that's just me. I'm a pretty cautious person. When emotions and feelings get involved, it can make for a difficult situation should something happen and the relationship ends. I kind of look at it as dating someone where you work. If it doesn't work out, it could make things difficult. Of course, you could always find another meeting should that happen.

Wise words of caution. - Did I mention it's been 2 1/2 YEARS. Except CA one weekend that awakened my inner... you know. I'm afraid this sculptor might render me defenseless.

what does your sponsor say?

Oh that's a loaded question!

My sponsor says be careful. She's sorta limited there as she just had a baby with one man, but now lives with another.

She helps keep me sober tho!

I am 40. I think the age difference could be a hindrance, but on the other hand...why not have fun? why not be friends? why not hang out at his house with other friends?

How long have you and H been separated?

(I have been separated 7 months - must. get divorce. finalized. and I would love to date someone I found attractive.)

if it feels natural and nothing is forced and your heart starts to dance again..i say go with the flow...afterall everything happens for a reason...:lala best of luck Ali...

If I were you, I would do what I always do. I always used to be attracted to older drunks. Until my forties the men I chose were daddy substitutes. While it was easy to see this pattern...
So, date him and journal and if you notice patterns, flags, train engines, or new unhealthy behaviors, and here is the key... Because of your Codie nature, you'll most likely notice these things in him... Then after journaling... You'll see that each issue you see in him or around him, is really something in you. If you can work on these things, I think, you'll be amazed at how healthy and easy it becomes to change. I know I'm not clear here, but I think you get the point , hope you get it. It's a great opportunity for growth for you.
The age thing, is this a pattern for you like it was for me?
Well done on you Alzerin! I think you'll do fine dating. Enjoy this springtime and thanks for sharing like you do!:ghug3

Stella 2 months. :hide

LOL: there you go then, from my POV the age difference is sort of irrelevant, I have nothing in common with some people my ageyounger/older than me so it's whether you click or not. and whether you are on the same page with regard to where your emotional boundaries are, and whether it's just for fun, and if it all goes pear-shaped, do you think the fall-out would be minimal (and could you handle it?)

rigourous self-honesty about your motives. lonliness would be a bad position to make a decision from, (horniness probably aint much better:)

Serene - <thumbs up>

That was probably all the motivation I'll need!

I agree with your sponsor. I'm really not trying to be a downer, but you both have a history of alcoholism, and that, in itself, would suggest caution. I don't see the problem with having a friendship.

How long has it been since you have been separated from your husband? and when was the ex situation?

It is taking me a long time (years) to repair and to start to change me enough to even start to look for healthy relationships.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Who am I kidding, I'm stubborn. I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. But, all werdz are in the back of my thick skull.

DIE THREAD, DIE!

Exactly! You are going to do whatever you want to do. It would be good though, to play the tape all the way through before you make any concrete decisions.

You can ask a moderator to close the thread.

Nah, it was in fun. I have a deep respect for everyone here. I'll read thoughts!

I hope all goes well for you. I think it's entirely possible that you guys will have a great ride. But the voice in my head keeps saying "every credible authority on relationships, says wait a year." I am already starting to fantasize about dating and it scares me, cuz I wanna do this thing right from here on out. But I feel like I have to keep reining myself in.

I will be interested in how things progress with you two.

Christine

Thanks Coffee!

When I saw your name as a replyer I thought: "uh oh" ;-)

I am only 2 months out of my relationship with my A. I can't imagine dating anyone at this juncture. My wounds are still raw, and I would be toxic for anyone at this point.

It doesn't mean I don't want it in the future, but for now, I'm dating myself! Getting to know me better, and keeping my eyes and ears open for whatever God has in store!

Ali, I wish you the best! And if you are feeling healthy, and want to move forward, just be careful, and heed your 'gut'. We, as women, are BLESSED to have that sixth sense, or as I call it the 'creepy meter'. Guys don't have it! Listen to it and proceed with caution!
I wish you the best!

:ghug3

I can only tell you how it was for me. When I first came to realize that I was codependent, I had absolutely no idea the depth and breadth of what that meant. I didn't know at the time that my entire view of the world would come to change, and that everything I believed about myself and others would come into question. I am forever grateful that I took the painful journey deep within myself to come out on the other side. I have found an entirely new me that I never would have known existed. I hope you continue to take that journey. I think a relationship at that point for me would have been a major distraction from the work I needed to do on myself. But, that's just me.

L

Can you be more specific, LTD? I am wondering what this means exactly?

Get to know him as a friend and introduce him to trusted ones. They can also pick fishy stuff. And I dont see anything wrong with socializing and having a good time.

I'll try. I grew up believing a lot of things about myself, others, relationships, roles, and life in general that turned out not to serve me very well.

For one thing, I believed I needed a romantic partner in my life in order to be happy. That life was somehow incomplete without a "his" to my "her." Not true.

My journey in recovery has taken me places I never expected. I've reconsidered my beliefs about everything, not just relationships. Money, work, friendship, happiness, parenting, creativity, spirituality--I see all these things and much more from an entirely different perspective. I thought I had a bunch of stuff all figured out. I was so wrong.

But, I know how easy it is to fall back into old habits and patterns. I think at the two month mark, I would have happily been swept up into revolving my life around a handsome, charming man. Because at that point, I don't think my recovery was solid enough to remain focused on me. Even to this day, I constantly ask myself what my motives are in relation to my BF. Am I being honest, loving, and genuine with him? Or am I looking for validation? I am the queen of rationalization and justification. I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and convince myself and sometimes others of it. Being brutally honest with myself is the hardest thing. And, even now, I sometimes fool myself. ;)

L

"I hope you continue to take that journey."

Oh yes, I won't leave this forum. They'll have to pry my keyboard out of my cold dead hands.

:c018:
I'm jealous !

I see. I think I am stuck at "needing validation" and wanting to be someone a potential love interest would love rather than minding my own business, being who I am, taking care of myself and my family.

And yet, with the slightest bit of attention from him, I float like a butterfly. What is wrong with me?!?:headbange