Update on things:

I spent the majority of the easter weekend with my ABF, after not seeing him all week, and we had a nice time. He was very depressed last week so he was still quite subdued and not feeling 100% but that is ok. I’m not trying to say it was perfect - he did go out for a bit and happen to run into some mates so he had a beer with them one day, and then we stopped off in a pub where he had a couple of pints on our way to my house another day - but he was happy to just have that and it was like he was a normal drinker. I didn’t make a fuss about any of it as I’m trying to detach from his drinking and just allow him to do what he chooses about it without moaning and nagging. After all, normal couples can do that.

So, then he left my house Monday afternoon to get stuff done at his, but I’m pretty sure he had been drinking when we spoke on the phone, and then this morning (before 9am) I think he is drinking again. It seems he can have a perfectly ‘normal’ weekend, then as soon as he leaves me he is drinking. I didn’t mention any of the issues from the previous week to him over the weekend (the ex-girlf thing, his depression, rehab), as it seemed like he was OK and I didn’t want to ruin the time we had together. Now I’m feeling like I should have mentioned it. I know it wouldn’t have changed his behaviour but it would have made me feel better. It sounds daft, but over the weekend when I started thinking about him going into rehab, it didn’t seem necessary – like he was OK and doesn’t need that at all. Now I can see that was just an illusion. It’s weird how things can seem fixed for a while – I fall for the illusion every time it seems.

He tells me that once he’s found a job, alcohol wont be a problem – I know that isn’t true. He might not be drinking during the day then, but he would just go to the pub or drink at home during the evening, and it would probably be every evening, and then at the weekends too because he could afford to go to the pub. I know that. It seems like he is waiting for a magic bullet to come along, but I am trying to be realistic without being too pessimistic (he accuses me of being so negative all the time, but he is negative about everything usually).

I too though am waiting for a magic bullet of sorts, and am clinging to the hope of rehab. It might not help him, but for me, I need him to have tried every option before I can give up on us. I’ve worked that out at least – that’s why I’m sticking around. I won’t give up all the time he still has methods he has yet to try, and as long as we have good times together (and no cheating/physical abuse etc). I don’t give up on things easily unless i’ve done all i can, so it makes sense that i need him to have tried everything before i can mentally leave the situation. I hope you know what i mean. I’m jsut getting impatient because I want him to try these things at my speed. I can’t wait around much longer though, and once i’ve told him that, it is up to him to decide whether he wants to try rehab/another method, or whether he wants to lose me and carry on drinking like this.

I need to ask you this, why are you so hung up on his recovery when you're not even working on your recovery?

You say you need "him" to try every option before you leave. Why are you putting all the hope of recovery on him?

Staying focused on him is easy, I do get that, but you seem to be stuck on hoping he changes so it will all be better.
I felt like you did back 10 months ago, then I walked into Al Anon and realized, I'm a mess and need to help me

i do know i need to help me too, and i have been doing so. But i have nowhere else to vent all of this stuff about him as i can't talk to anyone about it. I just want to share where i'm at and what is going on as it helps me to do so, and to hear what people say about it here. I am reading literature and working on my own recovery too.

It seems to me that your recovery would consist of working on things like "needing" him to do something before you can make a decision about what's best for you.

I know you think you are just venting about him, but what you say screams so loudly about you.

Good luck.

Yes, it's GREAT to vent here and share. That is healing and a good start, but you are too focused on him changing. Do you think if he stops drinking, your relationship will be better?
It won't. Once someone stops drinking, their lives become evern more unmanagable then when they drank.

Like I said, if you truly want to have a shot with him, YOU YOU YOU need to get into some sort of codie recovery program.

maybe i just can't see that sometimes. I think i'm doing ok and working on me, but maybe i'm not doing so well then. I am having lots of thoughts about how I'd be ok without him, and all the things i could fill my time with. Also, what things would be better if he wasn't around. I think that is progress.

how would his life be worse if he stopped drinking? he would be able to deal with his problems etc a lot better. When he does have times without alcohol, things are better. They wont be fixed just like that but it would be a good start. Then we can see if our relationship is worth it or not i suppose. with alcohol in the way it is hard for us both to see clearly

IWANT: it's totally the opposite when they stop drinking. If they stop drinking without being in recovery (12 steps, therapy etc) they actually can't deal with life AT ALL!
The booze helps them deal with life now.
Once they stop, they go back to the emotional age they started drinking at.
They are raw, scared fearful and can be REAL REAL jerks!

My relationship with my BF is worth it some days and some days is not. He stopped drinking a while back and life with him was WORSE!
I thought him going to AA and not drinking was the anwer, well the last 2 years (he fell off the wagon once in 2 yrs for 1 month) have been really hard since he's struggling to deal with life without his "booze mask"

It's called dry drunk syndrome

My husband was awful when he wasn't drinking. He was just so mean to me and short-tempered with the kids and everyone else. When he was drunk, he was relaxed and could cope.

At the risk of repeating what has been said several times before...the way he is NOW is the way he is. If the relationship is worth it, it is worth it right now, today, just as things exist this very moment. He is a drinker and it doesn't appear that he has any intention of stopping. You have been in this spot for a long time now and nothing has changed. Either accept him as he is right now, or move on. You keep trying to change him and you do not have the much power. Let him live his life the way he wants. It's his right.

Suki's right. The 'relationship' you're hanging on to doesn't exist. You want him to be somebody else. You've created a fantasy in your mind about how it 'could be,' and in the process you are ignoring what it really is. That's called denial.

L

It seems you have done all you can. What more can you do for this relationship?

Why haven't you told him it is rehab or I'm leaving? What are you waiting for exactly?

Your post starts off talking about detaching, veers off into fantasy, and ends with you still very much entangled by needing him to try something before you can feel like you've tried everything.

You've tried everything when *you've* tried it all. There is no room for another person in that sentence.

I'm sorry if I missed it in previous threads but have you tried going no-contact with him? If you could just take a month long break from him maybe it would help you with your personal recovery. A month is not a long time. It isn't to much to ask of either one of you.

i havent told him its rehab or i'm leaving because i thought that was me being controlling and i shouldn't say that. It is what i want to say but i guess i can't say it until i mean it for sure.

That's it in a nutshell. You aren't ready to make the boundary that you have to enforce. When you've had enough, you will.

IWC, please examine this sentence closely, and you will find the answers eluding you.

"I don't give up on things easily unless I've done all I can": Do you have a picture of what "all I can" looks like? If you do not, then you will still be suffering the stress and pain of this relationship when you are 80, if the stress lets you live that long, because you're not yet convinced you've done all you can.

"so it makes sense that i need him to have tried everything": So it makes sense that you need someone else, over whom you have no control, and who does not WANT to do these things, who in fact REFUSES to do these things, to take some specific action in order for you to feel "you've" done everything?

You are a logical person. Does that sound logical?

You're doing better, but still trapped in, well, wanting control. And I don't think anything that anyone here says can change that. You want to control him, so he'll be better, so you'll be better. (in turn, lots of folks here want to change YOU, so you'll be better, but that's sort of the nature of the beast here :) )

You are definitely making progress. I hope you can continue to find a way to your own happiness. It does not lie in the hands of your boyfriend.

i can see how illogical that sounds. the thing is, he does want to be better but maybe doesn't want to put the work in into getting there. if you spent 5 minutes with him it would be obvious he wants to get better, but maybe that is illusion.

No. If he truly wanted to get better, he would be doing something about it. An outsider would be able to tell in 5 minutes that he's not interested. You can't see it because you are in the middle of the chaos.

IWANT: when my BF walked into an AA meeting was when I finally left him. Before that, he wanted to get better too, but never had a reason. His ex of 20 yrs was an addict, his ex GF was an addict and then me, who was not an addict and believe it or not, I had boundaries and one day, he pushed me TOO far. I walked!
He went to AA because he was losing everything.
I never once asked him to go to AA, stop drinking or change.
My control issues with him only started when he joined AA (odd but true).

He wants to get well and I believe he does, but he doesn't want it bad enough
Just like obese people want to lose weight, they REALLY DO, but they won't get off their arse to exercise or eat well.........but believe me, they want it.

oh and I need to add, I didn't walk away from him to get him to change or get a reaction, I was truly fed up!
I took him back because I saw how hard he was working on himself and it's been a REAL struggle since.

What makes you think he wants to get better? Because he says it? Have you considered that maybe his words are being used to manipulate you into sticking around? Could that be one reason why his actions don't match?

For so many years, I tried to manipulate my husband into doing what I wanted. In turn, he continued to manipulate me into believing that he would do what I wanted--eventually. We did the mutual manipulation thing for about ten years. I never got him to do what I wanted, but I became someone I didn't like very much in the process. And he progressed in his alcoholism partly because I continued to play the game.

L