Why did he have to pick booze?
 

Why couldn't he be sober and be happy?
Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? Happy enough to not want to drink?
Why wasn't life with me good enough?
Why can't he be here with me? Why can't we be laughing right now? Why can't things be the way they were when we were young? Before he became an alcoholic...before he got so sad...before all the joy left and all that mysterious sadness crept in. What happened to change him? Why did he give up? Why isn't he strong enough to cope with bad days? Why can't he be strong enough to be there for me?
Why can't he be strong enough for sober life?
Why can't I be with my friend anymore?
Why?
Why did he do this?

I think I'm better and then I'm crying again.

I signed up for a cycling event this weekend. Gonna keep pedaling til I get there.

Bad day.

You remind me of me, and the way I was the past 3 years with my ABF. (XABF)

I feel and understand your pain, I've been there, many times over.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to give you some :Vhearts0102: and a :ghug3

When I felt like this, what I really tried to think about (briefly) was "Look at what he's doing to me! Look at how HE is making ME feel! And where is he? Out, living his life, drinking, doing whatever HE wants, while I sit here and wallow!" I tried my hardest to then pick myself up, and decide to NOT let ANYONE make me feel this way ever again!
Unfortunately, I ended up back in this position many times over, until just recently.

I wish you much strength right now! It's very hard!

I'm sorry you are having a bad day KP

(((hugs)))

Your weekend cycling event sounds like a great idea. I found physical exercise to be a great way to vent my frustrations over alcoholism.

Thanks you two. I'm just being a big baby today. I rode my bike this afternoon. I've been super busy at work. I feel fine, and then I'm crying. I guess it just takes a while to let go. It's one of my dreams dying (a happy, sober life with him), so I should expect it to hurt, right. Dreams don't die easy or quietly do they? No they don't.

Hi - a big hug for you, ok.

Why? a big question for things we dont understand. I looked at it this way - It wasnt her I was fighting. We were both fighting the demon, addiction. I remember the real her and the addicted her, but I prefer to remember the other her. Hope this makes some sense.

Aw c'mon girl, you aren't on your own having a sookie day.
As far as I am concerned, anybody who doesn't have some flat to downright yuk days, after being in some sort of alcoholic induced chaos, must be in Fairyland.

Thank God you love cycling, as it does so much good physically and emotionally for you.

Keep on pedalling, dear KP, you are getting there in leaps and bounds.

God bless

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...clingroo-1.jpg

I just bought myself a T-shirt this weekend. It says:

Sh*t Creek Survivor

I feel like I have been up that creek, without my paddle while dealing with alcoholism (mine and my A)

SR has helped me navigate out of that creek and I feel like a survivor. Keep coming back. Keep working on You. You are worth the time and effort!!

Funny Pelican!

" Why couldn't I make him happy enough to want to stay sober? "

Honey, he is not doing it to you, he is just doing it. He's an alcoholic.
You are powerless over this fact.

He'll change only when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Luckily, you have made the choice to change now.

I know he's not doing it to hurt me or anything. There's just a part of me that thinks if I was just better somehow, he'd be SOOOO happy with me, that he wouldn't want to drink. I felt the same way as a kid (my dad was a drinker).

I thought I left all those childhood feelings of not being good enough in the past. This is my first time dating an alcoholic and those feeling just came flooding back. They didn't go anywhere at all.

At least I learned as a kid that no matter how many bottles you dump down the sink, they'll always find more, so there's no point in trying.

i wish it would snow.

hey kp,

have you done any therapy? it could do you a world of good.

here's the good news:
the person you are becoming, is the person who has had this pain in her life. i believe that i became a good mother after i joined al-anon. i joined al-anon after we realized we (xah & i) had an alcoholic in our midst. i married an alcoholic because....well, that's what i do. i have so much awareness now, and even tho i have miles to go, there are many qualities i posses that i really like!

EVERYTHING YOU ARE TODAY, IS BECAUSE OF EVERY EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE HAD THUS FAR. you are too close, but you will see the benefits one day. you may even thank ol' what's his name.

hugs, kp :)

"Why did he have to pick booze?"

Bad abusive parents? Nasty boss? Genetic predisposition? Regardless it is still a choice and he chooses to do so because he likes the way it makes him feel. The whole love yourself first thing, seemed cheesy early on to me, but I learned is that it it is real. Booz intake needs to stop to deal with underlying issues in a constructive way.

OOOOOH ya CoffeeDrinker. I've done lots of therapy over the years and it has done me a world of good. I thought about going in for some visits soon. I'm just so busy with work and a little on the broke side right now.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't help the whys sometimes, when I'm feeling like I don't WANT to know and I don't WANT to accept it. I wanted to be with him. I don't want to let go. So why why why?

Thanks for the response. It helps. I'm looking forward to seeing the benefits of this someday. :::: sigh ::::

Thanks Elegant.

You will see the benefits...if you don't have a repeat performance in the next relationship.
You will fall in LOVE again...hopefully your picker will be more fine-tuned because
you learned from the pain, sadness, disappointment and by taking the time to heal.

I had the benefit and insight of talking to my XAH after we split and he got sober. I can almost guarantee that he doesn't see it the same way you do. It's not a matter of picking this over that. In fact, mine truly couldn't understand why he couldn't have both. We had a 20+ year relationship and two children. It hurt so badly to think that beer meant more to him than all that. But, it just wasn't the case.

You have to stop personalizing it. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Thinking that it does is just self-torture.

((()))

L

La - well ya, BUT if they KNOW they'll loose their loved ones and they continue to choose beer, than how can they see it any other way? They choose the beer. It's pretty black and white. Want your family? Don't drink. Want a good life? Don't drink. Want everyone who loves you to stop being so afraid for you? Don't drink.

It IS personal. Very personal. You watch someone you love killing themselves - it's personal. I personally feel pain. I personally worry for him. I personally feel deeply sad that my friend is CHOOSING to ruin his short time on this earth and hurt everyone around him.

I don't think they do it to purposely hurt the ones who love them. But knowing they are causing so much pain, I don't think they DON'T do it to stop hurting the ones they love. It's the alcoholic parents that really upset me when I think about it. It's just so selfish and lame. Spineless. Miserable? Well suck it up cause you've got kids. Selfish behavior.

Had to vent...

Thanks.

k...maybe I'm in the angry stage of grief now...

That's just it. I don't believe he (my AH anyway) REALLY knew that on a conscious level. Sure, I told him that. Sure, he said he understood. But, deep down inside, alcohol had such a hold on him that he didn't really believe it.

Obviously, it's your choice if you want to take it personally. But, what I've found is doing that only hurts me.

I'll say it again. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Really. It's between him and alcohol. You are not even a bit player in that relationship.

L

I know you're right.

ARRRGH! It's just SO SAD!!! The whole thing! For all of us! Alcohol SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUCKSSSSSSS!

I know how you feel, i cant wait to get past this stage.

Wow - LTD always says it so clearly.

KP - we have all felt as you do. Back to basics, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. (are those the three C's or do I have them slightly skewed?)

The whole thing seem so ridiculous and illogical. Why, as you asked, aren't I more valuable than the booze? But as all have so wisely said, it's not you. As Spiritual Seeker said; You're powerless, and he's sick.

Jadmack - your pictures are GREAT! No clue where you find them all.

Hugs ****{KP}}}

Hi KeepPedalling....I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I downloaded the book, Codependant No more and just started reading it, but I did already read something that stuck with me.....I want to share it with you!

"We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me you wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you-they are saying they don't love themselves."

I hope reading this helps. You are obviously an amazing women and deserve to be loved and respected. You will find this person. This book also talks about detachment, which is so important. I recommend getting this book....I am only on page 74 out of 220 and it's helping.

Hey KP.

I wish I could offer you something to feel better....because I feel the same way. Kittyboo just started an interesting thread about HP..The "why" part is very hard to deal with. Why does it have to be this way? Maybe there is a bigger picture here. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that this happened for a reason. I may not know what for exactly yet...And I know it doesn't really help the situation. However, I do know:

I am BEYOND grateful YOU are HERE. Right now...reaching out, but also being part of the support for me. So thank you! I've noticed in my life how this experience has deepened relationships with those who have helped me through this difficult time and I've also realized who are my true friends. This is just one small example of how I am growing. I know you are too. And I know some days are really hard. Believe me when I say the pain runs deep. But at least we have each other! That's what I think!

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
-Oprah Winfrey

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
-Marcel Proust

Sorry if those are cheesy, but I wanted to share my semi-good day with you.We got ur back here!

http://www.igorpecovnik.com/wp-conte...t_friends1.jpg

I don't have anything to add in the way of advice. But I have lots of these :hug: to offer!

If I knew the answer to that, I'd know a d**n sight more than I know now, I tellya that. I still think (about my ex): man, it sure must hurt bending that far over to stick your head up your (anatomical reference deleted), why don't you for the love of all that's good in life JUST STOP?????

I dunno. All he could come up with is, "I have poor impulse control." Yaaa, I'd noticed that. I do know that it pains him deeply that he can't do better, but that's the closest I can get to understanding or empathy.

Hugs. You aren't alone in feeling this way. You aren't underestimating the loss, and there's nothing wrong with your reaction. Alcohol does suck. I can't tell you how many times I've wished he and I had been born into a time and place where alcohol hadn't been discovered.

Oh, yeah, and as a sufferer of a compulsive disorder myself (trichotillomania, and it sucks too) I can say that compulsion of that nature is incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't have it. It can't be explained.

HI, KP.

My A has been beyond terrible to me, and I am still stuck. I am still asking those questions all the time. I am even at a place where I do not want him to choose us, because of how awful it is when he does, but still, that magical thinking gets me deep.

I am seeing a good therapist. She has decided to work on the part of me who cant see the facts. Her advice was this: He keeps asking to come home, in between drinking, during drinking, in between verbal and emotional attacks, during the attacks...He still thinks he should be here with us. I am afraid. SHe wanted me to do an experiment.

She asked what was I comfortable with. I said, I am not comfortable with him coming home to stay, moving in, etc...BUT I would be willing to try to cultivate some positive energy by going slow. baby steps.

She suggested that I tell him that, and hold my ground. Ask him to dinner, early evening, with a set time to leave. She implied that she thought he would not come through, on any level. He will choose to drink, and he will choose to continue acting as if he is shunned by me, and is alone with no family. I will have to see that no matter WHAT I DO, he will choose drink, until he hits bottom. Lets just see what happens, she said.

Well, I did ask him to dinner. THREE times in the last month. First two times, he filibustered that that was not what he wanted. He did not want a "date" with his family. I said it was all that was available. Trust and safety must be built.

This week, he agreed. Tonight he was to come to dinner at 5pm. He was excited to come, to see us, to be together. I was clear on the guidelines. I spoke to him at 430pm, he was excited.

At 445pm he called, first saying he had no gas. then said he needed a ride because he had been drinking. Then said he was suffering from panic attack and couldn't do it. He went on, " I am so freaked out, I just cannot do anything. I am scared. I just want to go home and crawl into bed."

I detached. Said OK. let it go.

He called at 9pm. He was at a comedy open stage, had just done a set. He was exhilerated and was having a good time with friends. He made no mention of the earlier dinner blow off . At 11pm, he called, drunk as a skunk, left a message saying he was tired of being alone. He needed his family, and was there anything I could do about that.

Now. I , personally, think that my therapist is a genius.

All roads lead to alcohol. It is NOT me. I did not drive him to it. I could not have done anything to keep him from choosing to pursue his drug. I know, for today, that I offered what I was comfortable with (new for me), and still offered him an opportunity to come in the door. He could not even do that. A simple nice, free, meal with his beautiful son.

All roads lead to alcohol. This has nothing to do with me. Our 5 year old is not to blame. I am no more to blame than he is. The A just did what he thought was going to work for him.

I am sad about it, and I do wonder all the time, "Why am I not enough to make him want to get healthy? Why is our child not enough?"

Tonight, I watched him shoot himself in the foot. He did not choose what he wants. He is an ADDICT. He chose what is easy, safe, familiar. He is an ADDICT.

Just for today, since I know that it will probably get to me again..but, just for today I am asking,

"Why doesn't HE mean enough to HIMSELF to get healthy?"

just the view from my little world today.

THANKS for this thread.
The emptiness... ppl try to fill it with drink, drugs, sex, hobbies, distractions etc, yet its still there. I went to a party once... I met a bunch of drunks at 4 am (I wasn't one of them) and met someone who could have been XABF. He said "I know I should drink less, but I can't live without... this!" The "this" was other drunks saying jokes and telling funny stories and some hugging, etc. I think that is the only way he thinks he had "family" and "friends". I gave him and others a ride, he was on his way to meeting his GF in a bus station. He looked terrible and was very very drunk. I felt compassion for his GF, arriving from somewhere tired, to find your partner is coming from the party and needs YOUR help. UGH.
To me it looked like loneliness. In XABF's case, his mom died years ago. XABF mentioned his dad was always out sleeping with his new partner (he said "lover" not partner). XABF hates his dad. XABFs sister was always locked in her room with his BF and they seldom talked. If dad and sis evade each other and reality, its only logical he will do the same.

The whole house smelled of sadness, loneliness and someone missing. I cringe just remembering it.

Anyway we are not therapists here, my point is that since I "got an explanation" of why he does what he does, I feel better. At least put my mind to rest.

Also, given our history together, you would think he would be discrete at work or something. Nope, he speaks about beers, brings GF to the office etc, as if nothing ever existed. Wow. All the drama and realities due to Jack Daniels and he's still the same person. I think his explanation for the breakup (which he said he initiated of course) was that I was getting fat, wasnt tidy enough and was boring and frustrated. LOL.

The twilight zone... thanks all for sharing.

THANKS for this thread.
The emptiness... ppl try to fill it with drink, drugs, sex, hobbies, distractions etc, yet its still there. I went to a party once... I met a bunch of drunks at 4 am (I wasn't one of them) and met someone who could have been XABF. He said "I know I should drink less, but I can't live without... this!" The "this" was other drunks saying jokes and telling funny stories and some hugging, etc. I think that is the only way he thinks he had "family" and "friends". I gave him and others a ride, he was on his way to meeting his GF in a bus station. He looked terrible and was very very drunk. I felt compassion for his GF, arriving from somewhere tired, to find your partner is coming from the party and needs YOUR help. UGH.
To me it looked like loneliness. In XABF's case, his mom died years ago. XABF mentioned his dad was always out sleeping with his new partner (he said "lover" not partner). XABF hates his dad. XABFs sister was always locked in her room with his BF and they seldom talked. If dad and sis evade each other and reality, its only logical he will do the same.

The whole house smelled of sadness, loneliness and someone missing. I cringe just remembering it.

Anyway we are not therapists here, my point is that since I "got an explanation" of why he does what he does, I feel better. At least put my mind to rest.

Also, given our history together, you would think he would be discrete at work or something. Nope, he speaks about beers, brings GF to the office etc, as if nothing ever existed. Wow. All the drama and realities due to Jack Daniels and he's still the same person. I think his explanation for the breakup (which he said he initiated of course) was that I was getting fat, wasnt tidy enough and was boring and frustrated. LOL.

The twilight zone... thanks all for sharing.

The last time mine drank, the final straw, wasn't because we fought. The first two times (two times binges started) was because we got into a fight. We'd fight, he'd go home and drink. He told me it was because we fought that he drank. The last time was Valentines Day. We had a great day, all lovey dovey. He went home and drank. That time he told me it was because his brain told him to drink, so he did.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Your therapist is a genius. I hope things get better for you soon...and for me. :ghug3