its never ending I swear
 

AH has been home 8 mths now- the drinking continues. He (as some of you may know)had 2 affairs last spring- one he left me for- the other was righ here in our hometown- and I dont even know how long that one went on.
Well- I was browsing our cell bill yest. and guess what I saw? An attempt to call one of them (unsuccessfully) and the one here in our town a call 55 minutes long!! So I call the # (not sure its her, I dont even know who she is) And a wman answers. I say her # is on my bill and Im just checking it out. She claims not to know us and hangs up. Then this woman calls me back (she does not know i know who she is) claims AH called her b/c their "old friends" she tlks to me 25 minutes. She says she knows about his alcoholism, says he told her how much he loves me ect....
I approach him with it when he gets home (sober) from wrk. He claims not to remember makin the calls-
Look- you cant tlk to someone 55 minutes and not remember, Im sorry.
So we fight- he sits in the garage in the dark and gets drunk- I go to bed- hurt, alone feeling less than important.
HE gets up this AM and I am in the bed- he tells me hes sorry, Im te only person he wants to be with ect. He said the only reason he made the call is that he saw one of this woman's KIDS out somewhere and he though he owed her an apology. REALLY--- he owes HER an appology? he kneew she was messing with another woman's husband what could he possibly have to appologize about???? I asked him was he spending SO much time with her that he formed a relationship with her KIDS????
This of course opened up a whole knew reason to fight. He said " either accept my appology or f**ing dont! ????????
Can he really not see what his has done to me? 8 mnths after the fact- he still calling ho's- I have never felt so unimportant in my life.:c004:

It is time to stop surrounding ourselves with *$&holes who cheat on us, lie to us, make lousy, filthy, lame excuses, and otherwise treat us poorly.

You are NOT unimportant! You are WITH SOMEONE who cannot show you how VERY important you are.

Leave him.

re:
 

I know ur right. I just am so wrapped up in this mess!!! If it werent for my sweet kids, I dont know what Id do. I am so depressed. I feel worthless and like I am nothing. I KNOW in my head that these things arent true- but I still feel them. How can I love someone so much who is doing me so wrong?

Maybe because, after a while, all that chaos becomes comfortable. You've gotten so used to it that you can't see how awful it really is. Some time away from him would help you gain a little perspective. It's difficult to make rational decisions when everything around us is irrational.

Hi,

I have read your posts since I started visiting this site in 2008. You have struggled with the same stuff and it seems that nothing has changed.

He treats you like dirt. As a fellow woman this is actually painful for me to read. I know what it is like to feel dependent and scared. It sucks bigtime. But, at a certian point we all have to recognize that we are adults and WE can control our situations but not our A's or anyone else. You have chosen to stay with this guy for whatever reasons, but you keep coming here to tell us how he treats you poorly. (Personally, I am so glad this site exists for all of us to vent and reach out no matter where we are in our journey.) Because you keep coming here, I assume (this can be dangerous I know) that you are unhappy in your situation. He isn't changing, so what is it that you want from this relationship?

What is your breaking point? What would have to happen for you to move on from him?

did you ask him to leave previously, or was it that he left to be with ms. so & so? i think it was the latter (reading between the lines in your post).

i would think (right now this moment, not anything from the past), that now he will need to be shown that
1. his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to leave the family (both the drinking and
the extracurricular relationships)
2. yeah, well, it's not so nice, but truly acceptable to behave this way toward you, and inside of a marriage and family.

either one or the other statement will be true, depending on how you react. the ball's totally in your court.

I've been here and I know that emotional affair hurts just as much as anything else. When I found the inner courage to say, hey, she can HAVE you and all your problems, addictions, poverty. I surrender. I'm not saying she's a better woman than I am, I'm tired and let her do the work now. I want MY life back minus your crap. I only had a measly part time job and a car. I had no money and no where to go, but living IN my car would've been better in my opinion. Of course my guy recanted, said he lied. Oh really, so in addition you are a lying cheat addict? Not good enough for me, no thanks!

Thanks all- and coffeedrinker- i just now got ur private msg's from 1/2010 ( im slow) yes I did kick him out- but he left me no choice, he had one of the ho's IN my house. I saw an attny 3 days laterad got advise on how to start the divorce. What happened after that- u prob al know the story, he kept calling, I finally answered.....so I took him back after the "ive made the biggest mistake of my life" ect...
We own alot of stuff together- just saying. I think he stays because hes afraid t lose the big house and the $

People who own a lot of stuff together get divorced all the time. That's not a problem at all. You just need to decide what it is you truly want and that's very difficult to do while living in the chaos.

Ellim,

"I think he stays because he's afraid to loose the big house and the $."

What are YOUR reasons for staying?

So very true! Easier to live with it! Fear holds us back from leaving a situation we KNOW is wrong, hurtful and makes us feel worthless.

In my own experience, I was SO SCARED to leave him to HIS addictions. I was worried about what would happen to HIM! HEY, what about ME? What about what's happening to MY life?

I completely lost myself in hiding his drinking, hiding his problems. I lived my life digging through garbage, wondering how many beers he drank today..OMG what a chaotic life!

Leaving was hard..but it was the best thing. Nothing worth having is easy!

((HUGS))

Quote (( If it werent for my sweet kids, I dont know what Id do. I am so depressed. I feel worthless and like I am nothing. I KNOW in my head that these things arent true- but I still feel them. ))

Your "sweet kids" deserve a mum who is not in a mess (depressed, worthless, nothing) and a dad who isn't a cheating, drinking, liar.
Can't do anything about dad, but mum is YOUR business.

Staying with this load of c**p keeps all of you stuck in it, him, you and kids.
The only way of changing it, is for YOU to stand up and fight for your sanity and your kids right to a happier life, cause they must feel the tension in your home and see you a very upset mother.

Your AH doesn't need to change himself or his behavior, because he is fine...still has you on a string and can continue to be the louse he has been...because you are letting him stay that way.

Frankly I would be happier in a tent with my kids, than miserable in a big house with him.

You are sacrificing yourself and your "sweet kids", for a miserable life with a man who doesn't give a damn for anyone or anything but himself and his wants.

Time to bite the bullet, and get rid of that garbage for good, and give yourself and those kids a happy mum and home at last, and let AH go play his selfish games elsewhere.

God bless

How does he get away with this with you? I really want to know.

His apologies must be something special if he can breeze in and out of your life and the lives of the children by just pouring on the I'm sorries.

I see this time you rejected his apology and he got pissed off. Is that new?

Look, I'll tell it to you straight. You took him back. I'm sure there was discussion about him not having contact with these lady friends of his if you did so. He clearly doesn't think you are serious about monogomy and thinks a quick apology will resolve the problem.

Why not save us all the heartache and accept that he is an alcoholic adulterer that is never going to change and love him as he is no matter how bad he treats you and stop your bitchin'.

OOOORRRRRR

Put on some big girl pants and remember that you were worth kicking his slimy but out before and you are worth kicking him out again. A healthy relationship with yourself and with your children is far more important than a horrifying relationship with this douchbag. Show your children that self worth and a happy healthy home is worth fighting for!!

Said with much love, really.

Alice

My question...WHY are all of us so ready to take such crap from these abusers?

low self esteem

I'd agree with you that it's never ending. Not unless you do something to end it. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

L