i agree. especially about the low self esteem thing. i have learned that the longer you stay in it, the lower your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth sink. it is so sad to see people stuck in relationships where the other person clearly is using a very nice, kind person. i was there once too and i am so glad i got out when i did.

i think we all just get so used to it, and we get numbed by it, and we are just so tired and busy trying to do the best we can in life and take care of our selves and our responsibilities, that all the effort and energy required to leave or otherwise get out of the situation is just too much.

it is confusing and it HURTS and it's SCARY. some of us wind up staying in it until there is some kind of catastrophe; or until we are in so much pain that we just cannot bear to stay in it another moment. like when i discovered my so-called fiance cheated on me but forgave him and then discovered he did it again with his ex.

getting out of the relationship and away from that person and looking at myself was so very hard and painful, but it is so worth it!

We are only responsible for our actions. Your AH chooses to do what he does, because that's what he wants to do. There's no need to try and understand it on a deeper level. I've found it to be very helpful to ignore the words (in a respectful manner) and focus on the actions. If your AH is taking steps to improve - not calling other women, going to AA, then his actions are telling you that is working on recovery. From your post, it appears your AH is just pushing the usual buttons, trying to put you on the defensive to keep you in an enabling position. It's very difficult to see the insanity when you are living it every day. Once you step away from it for a little while, it all becomes very clear. I highly recommend Alanon for you. It will help rebuild your self esteem, and help you see more clearly. I am going through a divorce from my AW. I currently have sole custody of our 4 girls (all under 11). After 5 years of the most insane behavior, I finally realized, "what am I doing, she's just going to do what she wants to do". She's been to rehab three times, jail once, and has lived outside our home for 15 out of the last 30 months. She's currently in the house, and won't leave in some misguided beleif that she'll get a better settlement. I just go about my business and try to make it as peaceful for our children as possible.

Please remember that your "rock bottom" may be substantially different than your AH. My wife had a car accident with our four girls in the car - she had a BAC of .33 on a Saturday afternoon. After 16 months of sobriety, she came home. I thought that she might have a lapse, but there's no way she'll get in the car with our girls again. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Since there was no car accident this time, she is maintaining that it never happened, and that she has been sober since 2/2008.

This is one tough disease, and we must have compassion for the A, but we don't have to subject ourselved to their insanity.

We'll keep you in our prayers - I think you know what you must do, but it's easier to hope that they will finally just "get it" and then things can (hopefully) get better. That day may never come.

If your kids are little, they are sweet. The teenage years may bring some surprising changes. One of them might be them blaming you for staying with a cheating drunk.

I'm ashamed to say it, but I threw that into my dear mother's face when I was a teen.
No, my father wasn't unfaithful, but he was a monster alcoholic and physically abuse to us children.

Kids notice everything. They remember everything. There is that point when it is too late to make the changes they need while they are growing, because they have already grown up. And it is too late to try to explain your choices after they've grown up. They will form their own opinion of how you decided to raise them, such as with an unfaithful drunk for a father, and nothing you can say will change their opinion.

I did apologize to my mother, but always regretted that she stayed with my father. We all made our own choice about the situation: we left. We all left home at an unusually young age. My older brothers were 14, my brother closest in age 15 and I was 16. We were all too young, and immature, to leave home and we suffered consequences for it.

Again, I don't blame my mother, but think wistfully back on my past and always wish it had been different.

i agree with littlefish. when i divorced my husband, i was hoping that my mid-teenage daughters would see me as courageous.

two or three years later, on my 20-year-old's facebook "note":
"I love my mom so so much even tho she sometimes drives me crazyyyy...she is very smart and strong and hope to be like her"

it was one of the best compliments i've ever received. but the point is, the hard choices i have made have not only made me stronger, but have been noticed by my children.
try and think of them in your decision-making and ask why you would want to model this type of abuse.

My divorce led to several years of serious financial difficulties. Some of which continue to this day.

Never been happier!!!

peace-
b