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Back with his ex-wife I found out last night that he's back with his ex-wife. On Facebook of all places. I stood by him through thick and thin... was there for him at every turn. Supporting him getting sober and listening to everything. Then he evaporates, I think he just needs time. Then I find out that he's back with her. Their entire marriage in a nutshell... alcohol, drugs, fighting. All the time. Now they are both less than a year into sobriety and they are back together. I guess the Step 9 phone call is what did it. I don't know. Maybe the family that used to shoot heroin together, stays together. When I saw it, I couldn't feel my face or hands. I thought he was just taking time to get his act together. I was wrong. My heart was in the right place... but it was stupid. I can't sit here with any self respect and say I didn't see it coming, because I did. Maybe not this specifically, but something. This (THIS!!!) is too much. My heart is broken, my pride is non-existent, and I feel so stupid. I know I shouldn't feel those things, but I do. I know it will pass, but right now... oh. Right now is awful. I can't get to a meeting tonight... all I want to do is call him and freak out... instead I am writing this in hopes that someone will be able to say something that will get me through the next few hours so I can sleep and start over tomorrow. How did I let this happen? I feel as though I have let myself down in so very many ways. |
Omg.... are we the same person!?? I could have written this post word for word. My XA went back to his ex wife last summer. I found out on facebook. Their entire relationship was drinking, fighting, a roller coaster nightmare, according to him. Neither of them are looking for sobriety. She's a 24 year old party girl (he and I are both 34). I was there for him whenever he needed, to comfort him at his lowest moments, to talk him back up after she SEEMED to tear him down. He would talk to me about wanting to stop drinking, then he could control it, then then then.... I was naive to alcoholism, I would tell him I would be there for him, that he can stop drinking and I will be there. And THEN..... I got...."I can't live without my ex wife, I love her, she knows what it's like to live with me, I would rather die without her...." I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HEARTBROKEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Translation... I don't have to change for my ex wife. She drinks with me, she won't expect me to change, she won't expect more out of me. And I saw it coming too. But I didn't want to believe it. I moved to his state to pursue a relationship with him. 3 months later he was flying her down here to move in with him. (He had left her in her home state 10 months prior). And I found out he lied the entire time to me. Absolutely heartwrenching. 3 weeks ago he wrote me drunk at 1am expressing how sorry he was, that he wanted to be friends....but of course, stilll immediately "defending" his actions. Completely insincere, I never heard from him again. She's a lucky woman. I just wanted to let you know that someone, me, has been through a VERY similar situation. It has been the most difficult thing I have been through. I found myself comparing myself to her. A girl who smokes and drinks and who acts trashy. And I'm comparing MYSELF to HER? Don't do that to yourself if you start to question yourself. It is not about her or you. It is ALL about him and whatever he has to do to make sure his needs are met. It's a hard pill to swallow I know. I have been in therapy since October, and I am so glad I started. I have gone through the freak outs....just recently too, after I realized once again he was insincere after his so called apology. I wish I had never read his email in the first place. Then I wouldn't want to freak out so bad now! But if faced with it again, I know what I will do differently. It's a new day. It's a new start. Don't freak out if you can help it. I have regretted my move here, my heart being in the right place, feeling so stupid....etc... But don't regret those things. There is NOTHING wrong with having your heart in the right place and nothing you should ever feel ashamed of. Hugs and Love This too shall pass....I promise. It takes time, but I promise. |
I really hate facebook. It's evil. |
Sometimes I hate facebook too.... But you know what, I am SO glad that I know the truth. Had I not found out the truth, he may very easily have charmed his way into my life again. But NOTHING he can say will change what I know to be true. |
Wow... we really could be the same person! We live on opposite coasts and I was actually looking for a job where he is, because (of course) there was no way he could move to be near me. I love where I live and hate where he lives, but was still willing to be with him. I really can make no sense of this... a friend of mine always says "stop trying to apply logic where none applies"... it's good advice. But dammit... this hurts. As you know all too well. For the life of me, I don't get it. If any of what he says about her and their relationship is true, why start that up again? But then again, maybe it was all lies and I just believed what I wanted to believe. I believed in the potential I saw in him and in us. I loved him with all of my heart and he knows what that meant to me. I'm about to turn 40 and have been single since I went through a horrible divorce in 2001. He is the first man I've let into my life since that time, into my heart. And he knows how special he was to me, and still does this??? For the life of me I will never ever understand the selfishness of the addict. And I don't want to. The first thing I thought of this morning was that when he was telling me about the man he is, he wasn't. He was telling me about the man he wishes he was. I am shocked. I am heart broken. But I still took a chance... and that has got to mean something. |
KLM and Kitty I am so sorry for your pain it totally sucks! :0( ......... and yes this too shall pass but for today maybe you need to feel it and just be. Keep reading and posting and take care of you Phiz |
Klm, when you write, I feel like I am writing.... WOW!!! Gosh, I wondered all of those same things too....especially the part about wondering if what he said about their relationship was true. Why WOULD he go back to that??? Well, I have seen pics of them out together, and the drinking and smoking definitely applies. The difference with mine may be that along with alcoholism he has a duel diagnosis of combat ptsd. A lethal combination. With ptsd many of them create the environment in which they feel they deserve to live. Meaning one of drama and chaos. I heard many a times from him what a horrible person he feels he is. You attract what you feel about yourself. One thing I have always said is I will never ever down play what he feels about the war or anything he has seen or done. Those things I cannot imagine. BUT I excused A LOT of his behavior towards me to ptsd. When ptsd does not make you lie. And he flat out lied about when he got back with his ex. In hindsight, he treated me VERY poorly and I let him. Like you, I wonder how he could do this to me when he knows how special he was to me. I mean I have some childhood issues, and other things I have dealt with, and he was the first person I trusted enough to open up to, confide in...."and he still does this!??" losing the man I thought would never hurt me is indescribable. But you already know! And you say another thing that I thought exactly!!! Would spend 4 and 5 hours on the phone almost every night before I moved, and all of that time he was telling me about the man he WISHED he was. Omgoodness, I heard about how he wanted to learn my native language of italian and take me to italy, and all of the beliefs we shared in common. I had NEVER EVER met anyone who made me feel the way he did. He was the first man I ever said I love you to. Then BAM!!! To have the one man I wanted to spend time with want nothing more than to spend time with someone else...... Once again, I don't have to explain the feeling. You took the chance!! That says a lot! This will take time to heal. I know that I am not ready to really start dating yet, but I hope to be soon. And you will be soon. But definitely allow yourself to feel everything you feel right now. When I want to cry, I don't stop myself. It's painful while i'm crying, but then, once it's out...it's ok again. And it's a cycle until it's completed. Selfishness is their middle name. I realized everything that my XA did, he did to serve his own needs. He is extremely charming though, it is so easy to believe he really cared. And man, did I want to believe it. His actions though, then and even now disprove that he cares. What I do think now, is that he still wants to get a reaction out of me. He wants to know that I still care. Why?...well, because it serves his ego of course. I am trying my very best to no longer give him that reaction. It's really hard to not sit here sometimes and wait for their relationship to come crashing down again....and it will. Ex's are ex's for a reason. When the "honeymoon" is over, how quickly things go back to how they used to be. That may not be the case for 2 people who realized they made a mistake and want to give it another go, but these are unhealthy people, addicted to drama and chaos. No fun if you ask me!!! I told my therapist the other day, and this was a really hard thing for me to realize is that I wanted to be with him so much, that I would have compromised who I was to be with him. Then, ultimately I would have been miserable. I would have gone out and drank with him....but the newness of that wares off real fast! I'm back in school, I have goals. Going to bars every weekend is not a goal. Are you going to stay where you are or move? I am moving to my home state in May, after the semester. This area, this whole state! is tainted for me now. And I just want to get away. Start over and move for me...NOT for anyone else. |
How did I let this happen? It may help to remember, as I had to, that no one but your higher power (who or whatever that may be) holds such control over the universe. You did not let this happen. He made a choice that has affected you emotionally. Focusing on how to deal with those emotions in a healthy way and protecting yourself from the hurt his choices are able to cause is a great starting point in recovery. Accept that you are powerless over the addiction. First things first...step away from the addict. Sever the umbilical that is feeding this pain to you. Just say no to contact, even the secondary kind through Facebook and MySpace. No matter how crappy his life gets, he will always put a spin on it on his web pages to make it look like he is the life of the party with all the friends and the cool lifestyle. You can't believe the illusion. The only life, friends, and cool lifestyle you need to be concerning yourself with is yours. Welcome to SR!! Alice |
Kittyboo... oh my god! I haven't even finished reading yours yet... but I had to say... Mine is ex-special forces and went through so much. I always gave him extra room for that. We've known each other since we were little, lost touch and then he found me on FB. He told me that he had never forgotten me, always had loved me, and that he always dreamed of us being together. We would talk for hours and hours and hours. Literally. Every single day. For months. We talked of marriage, children, everything... oh, this breaks my heart to think about it. |
Oh my god!! ....LOL! Mine and I went to high school together, we had gotten in touch about 4 years ago on Myspace, I had a major crush on him, but we fell out of touch as he just started dating is now ex-wife/ girlfriend... then a little over a year ago we found each other again on facebook! He told me he always thought I was beautiful, oh, the things he said to me! Then his withdrawal would start, he would blame it ptsd, I should have walked away then. |
Klm- I just sent you a message too :) |
I am so glad that you are able to share what has happened in your life. But while you run yourself dizzy trying to figure out why he did all the things he did, and beat yourself up and feel even worse, I'd like to point out to you what I feel is the most important thing in your thread: "I was actually looking for a job where he is, because (of course) there was no way he could move to be near me. I love where I live and hate where he lives, but was still willing to be with him. I really can make no sense of this... a friend of mine always says "stop trying to apply logic where none applies"... it's good advice." What is it you can't make sense of? I don't find your friend's advice to be good. WHY on Earth, if you hate a place, would you want to move there? Especially if you already live in a place that you LOVE? IMO, You are at a major crossroads in your recovery and self-development. Honestly. Such "sacrifice" ( in what, the name of love and devotion?) truly warrants honest self-examination if you are ever to determine how you fell for his lies and deceit. Paint yourself simply a victim, and you will likely wind up in the same place you are now. But be courageous, work a program, and focus on YOUR OWN behavior and decisions, not HIS, and you will surely grow. |
Very, very true. It's time for me to get to work... on me. |
"What is it you can't make sense of? I don't find your friend's advice to be good. WHY on Earth, if you hate a place, would you want to move there? Especially if you already live in a place that you LOVE? IMO, You are at a major crossroads in your recovery and self-development. Honestly. Such "sacrifice" ( in what, the name of love and devotion?) truly warrants honest self-examination if you are ever to determine how you fell for his lies and deceit. Paint yourself simply a victim, and you will likely wind up in the same place you are now. But be courageous, work a program, and focus on YOUR OWN behavior and decisions, not HIS, and you will surely grow. " Learn, this is great truly. From my perspective, and klm and I have come from very similar situations, personally, yes, moved for love. I thought it was the right thing to do. I ignored the red flags. What did I learn? NEVER to move across the country for a man ever again. To that, the lesson has been painful, but being that I am about 7 months past the end of my relationship now I can look back and say you are exactly right. I used this lesson, this opportunity to really address why I would even make the decision to pick up and move for something that I wasn't sure of. I know full well why I made that choice, and though it was the romantic choice, it was not the healthy choice. But I do believe I had to go through this to truly want to change my life. To want to make a difference in my future and become more aware of the type of man I want to attract into my life. Pay attention to the red flags. Don't romanticize anything. I think when you are so hurt, yes, playing the victim is natural. YOU GOT HURT. Someone that you cared and valued betrayed you. I fell for it too. And to realize that someone who you trusted, when it's been so hard to trust men previously, for many reasons, was someone who could just so carelessly cast you aside. It hurts, it hurts like hell. (I don't mean to imply that you don't know what it feels like to hurt). We should all take responsiblity for our actions. But it is also said we should not take responsibility for the actions of others, and that includes betrayal. We are not robots, nor should we train ourselves to be. Everyone here, though in some sense has certainly contributed to the position they are in now, has every right to be hurt and angry at the person. People choose their actions. If I were to choose to lie to someone, that person would have every right to be angry at me. I wouldn't necessarily turn to that person and say, "well what did YOU do to cause me to lie to you?" And you are right, it is now taking the opportunity to change your circumstances and turn something that has hurt so much, into something positive. |
:dance8: I love SR |
yes, moved for love. I thought it was the right thing to do. I ignored the red flags. What did I learn? NEVER to move across the country for a man ever again...the lesson has been painful, but being that I am about 7 months past the end of my relationship now I can look back and say you are exactly right. I used this lesson, this opportunity to really address why I would even make the decision to pick up and move for something that I wasn't sure of. I know full well why I made that choice, and though it was the romantic choice, it was not the healthy choice. But I do believe I had to go through this to truly want to change my life. To want to make a difference in my future and become more aware of the type of man I want to attract into my life. Pay attention to the red flags. Don't romanticize anything. I think when you are so hurt, yes, playing the victim is natural. YOU GOT HURT. Someone that you cared and valued betrayed you. I fell for it too. And to realize that someone who you trusted, when it's been so hard to trust men previously, for many reasons, was someone who could just so carelessly cast you aside. It hurts, it hurts like hell...We should all take responsiblity for our actions. But it is also said we should not take responsibility for the actions of others, and that includes betrayal. We are not robots, nor should we train ourselves to be. Everyone here, though in some sense has certainly contributed to the position they are in now, has every right to be hurt and angry at the person. Yes, cry. Yes, seek support from others. But don't let yourself think the victim for too long. The way you do that is by focusing on YOU, YOUR life, YOUR behavior, YOUR thoughts, and YOUR wants, dreams and desires; and NOT the other person. Focusing on the other person is DENIAL. |
I moved for my AH, too. I moved to a tiny town with people with very different values than I where I didn't know anyone. I DO NOT want to live out my life here. But I don't regret it. I wanted to have babies. We were focusing on his career. He got an okay job in an okay place. I made the best choices with the information that I had in the emotional/developmental place that I was. I would move again for a relationship. I guess the difference is I didn't feel I was moving purely for him. I was moving for me, too. I was thinking about our ultimate goals. The job he got will be a stepping stone, hopefully, for him to get a better job in a better place. I don't regret the choices or my life until now. I had some FABULOUS times and learned a lot. I still am learning from those choices and am better for it. His disrespectful choices right now are allowing me to see I need to practice (with my life as it is right now) how to protect myself from disrespectful choices and make respectful ones for myself. (Thanks, hubby!) So, thank God he got together with her. His choices are helping you make good choices for yourself. He is giving you practice to raise your standards of treatment. He is removing himself from you by connecting with her. He is giving you a chance to escape his disrespect. HOORAY! Time to celebrate! Hugs, w |
It is a compliment not to be tasty to a wolf anymore. It means you are stronger now. I am with wifeofadrinker, you did all you could, with what you knew and felt then. What you do today and how you treat yourself today is the only thing that matters :) Maybe the ex wife will be around soon in SR hurting saying "I wanted to believe him and nothing has changed..." she deserves compassion. Please try to focus on you and what you have today... thinking and wondering about them is not worth the pain. And FB is evil, for the codie in me, I tend to think OTHERS got a life, are more interesting than me, are really in love, have all the fun in the world, etc etc .. FB is designed to show off and demonstrate stuff... I seldom use it anymore and my life is better. HUGS this too shall pass :grouphug: |
It's amazing the different places from which we all come. |
Me too (all of the above), although I did not move across country, but I did give up MY home and MY life to be with someone else. I took over HIS life and forsook my own. It's like I just picked myself up and transplanted myself into someone else's life and started playing some role, not even aware of what I wanted in life, other than a certain kind of romantic life partner. Wow - Learn-- exactly how I felt, and what I did. Wife and Learn - such great posts. KLM- These ladies are amazing! They give strength when you feel you've lost it. Hope you are well today! |
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