Does anybody have any ideas WHY they did that? Because maybe there is more to it for me than I have discovered. ???

The way I understand why I did that was because I was still in a place in my life where I felt that everyone ELSE knew something I did not know; where I finally had found "The One"; and where my feelings were the most important thing on Earth (so I thought). I remember, also, thinking this person brought relief to my life, how he would "take care of me" and take care of my responsibilities. I remember thinking how smart he was and he would know what to do and how to fix the things that came up that needed fixing; how to handle my alcoholic dad, etc.

So I've worked on those beliefs but can't think what else...

I do remember back then saying a lot, "It hurts my feelings..."; "But I want to BUILD something together..."; and "You just don't care."

OH MY WORD! If I had a dollar for EVERY TIME I said those words to my AexBF, I'd be RICH!

"It is a compliment not to be tasty to a wolf anymore. It means you are stronger now."

Best quote ever!

I just got home from work and was amazed at all the feedback... thank you all! I hate it so much that so many of us have had to go through what we've gone through, but I am forever grateful that we've found each other here.

It was such a crazy day at work and in between everything else, I'm getting emails from him. I won't bore you with the details, but they were all aggressive and continually pointing out that none of this is his fault. It's incredibly frustrating, yet enlightening, to see how he is not really working his program. He may have stopped drinking, but the behavior has not changed. Seeing this side of him makes me realize how lucky I am that I did not move to him, that I did not give up my life to be with him. I am so glad I listened to my uh-oh feeling and kept a few walls up.

I did respond to a couple of the emails, I shouldn't have. But I felt this overwhelming urge to clarify things. He called me childish for doing this over email, and I simply said "childish....no. documentary... yes." I want to be able to go back to this and remember when I begin to forget. I want to be able to read something and say "oh, right! THIS is why I ended it."

But the fact remains that I love him deeply. I wonder if that will ever change. I still want him to get his act together and realize what he's losing and fight for it. Intellectually, I know this probably will not happen. But then there is my heart...

UGH.

I wish I could hate him, but I can't. But I can stop planning my life around an unhealthy relationship. My life is full of really excellent people... I think I'll go out and play with them for a while. People I can count on, people that I never question their loyalty, people who help me when I need it, people that LET ME LOVE THEM.

Again, thank you all for your words. You have lifted a weary heart at the end of a very long day.

Thank you!
That's it, in a nutshell.

Quote; (( The first thing I thought of this morning was that when he was telling me about the man he is, he wasn't. He was telling me about the man he wishes he was. ))

Hold on to that thought. The man you thought he was didn't exist, he was just a wish in the wind, and you don't need or want what he really is.

Grieve the loss of your dream, for now.....but you may have that dream realised in the future....

Don't grieve losing the man he is, because he is the nightmare...not the dream.

God bless

It's weird how, with all the evidence staring us in the face, for years even, we still fool ourselves into believing we see and know the truth. It's so hard when you realize that what you believed was actually a pipe dream that turned into a nightmare.

I believe this also. It causes so many issues