So there I was, checking my email...
 

... last night ...

And there was 'his' name.
I opened the mail (there were two of them)

wanting to 'get together' and 'connect' again
this after the most traumatic relationship I've ever had -
the very one that set me on the path of self destruct...
The most devastating experience of my life
and he wants to 'connect'.

the relationship with this man
destroyed my faith
my spirituality
everything ...
He even went through a phase he tried to impersonate me...
I stopped believing in a Greater Power,
and I vowed NEVER to love again
anything other than an animal.

I really don't want to go into any more detail than that.

Not the child molestor... another megaloser.

After the initial shock ...

I mailed this guy back and told him that
I didn't want to 'connect' with the past any longer.
I told him that my life is fine the way it is
and I have moved on.
And he needs to do the same.
I reminded him that I've already TOLD him this once,
over a year ago, in fact.

Then I deleted the mail.

Holy crap.
They never DO get it I don't think.
I can't go into any more detail than this,
but hopefully knowing that
this was the man I thought was my SOULMATE
and all that other rot....
might be enough for you to know
because the other details of my life
are surreal to put it lightly.

I can guarantee you -
he doesn't 'want ' anything other than advice.
I'll wager money that he's gotten himself into
yet another 'bind' with some 'student'
and he wants to know how *I* would 'get out of it'.
Then he'll go back and do whatyever
and make it look like it was 'his idea'.
Took me three years to catch on to what he was doing with THAT ONE.

When I finally DID catch on
he was in Mexico
with a large group of 'students' and
really NEEDED to know what to do.
I mailed him back then and said-
In all the time I was teaching I never EVER
"got into a bind" in the firest place
that I needed to 'get a way out of'.
I told him -
"Hey- YOU'RE the one pretending to be a Medicine Man..."
"Pretend you know what to do."

I truly thought I'd never hear from him again.

THANK GOD I can come here
and that I have BEEN coming here -
you've helped me more than you know,
all of ya.

:You_Rock_

Maybe someday
I'll be all like:

"Thank you for the massive learning ... bla bla bla"

and other assorted new age-ey sounding beige-isms.
which right this minute
feels like a load of poo....

But I'm not there today.
Probably won't be there tomorrow either.

Wow.
Aint it wild
how just one little thing
will tip the whole boat?

Well, not TIP, esactly,
but a definite wave sloshing.

OMG you have no idea how much I love this! These guys prey on folks looking for answers, when all you have to do is spend time with an actual Elder.

Thanks for sharing and hurray for you!

It was over eight years ago, now,

but still there's a 'charge' seeing him on my incoming mail.

But I can come here - and here you are.

And I know I'll be okay.

I *have* got a new life now
and it *is* going better.

well -
I was making money hand over fist in the gallery back then....
and am more than dead broke today....

but I UNDERSTAND and EMBRACE aspects of myself
that back then were mysterious and intangible to me.

I am more now
than I was then.

... And *he* ... can't have any.

this ... the barb dwyer today... is mine.

Trans -

He didn't really want the WISDOM -
he was never INTERESTED in tracking down the knowledge like I showed him...

he was only looking for something to sell.

I was given a talent - for art.
THAT .. is how I made my money.
Not from spiritual students.
Not from spirituality at all -
other than it's interplay with art expression.

I never EVER... sold what I was taught.

It diminishes the Light within the knowledge, IMHO.

thanks for sharing, barb. i don't even know the guy and it blows me away.

and you know what i truly believe? it's that we are WHO WE ARE today because of all that has led us thus far. and you seem to be pretty terrific

but I UNDERSTAND and EMBRACE aspects of myself
that back then were mysterious and intangible to me.

I am more now
than I was then.

... And *he* ... can't have any.

this ... the barb dwyer today... is mine.


:c029:


:You_Rock_


YEAHHHHHHHHH!!! that was wonderful!!!!! made me want to ask for your autograph.

Thanks I too had some recent "waking up the dead" comments and memories, they suck but to be able to talk about them in SR is priceless.... reminds me I'm not alone and its a process that is very complex... but it has to flow.. we got to allow it to flow.


About what coffee says.. it reminded me of something... once I told the therapist "well thanks to xbf I learned X and Y"

And she said "it was not thanks to him, it was THANKS TO YOU"

a few months ago -
when I saw that news thing
about that 'spiritual teacher'
who killed all those people in that sweat lodge -

I freaked
because I thought it was him.

IT WASN'T-
but it is exactly the kind of stunt he'd pull.

And thank you, coffee-

I *AM* miles and miles away from that place.

I have a comfortable, exciting,
FUN relationship with someone
I respect and even admire ...
someone who HAS MY BACK
in rough times ...
someone who worries about ME ...
rather than what happens to their money
if something happens to ME...
someone who thinks I'm WUNNERFUL ...
who respects my boundaries ...
who respects my space....


what in the HECK would I want to start walking backwards for?

Yep, that's the whole plastic medicine man trip. Messin with stuff they don't understand.

see?

I knew I didn't have to get all 'into' it....
because there's a 'baseline'

where we all ... are alike.

It *is* like in AA because there... we're all alcoholics.

However I maintain -

it's a personality... long before it's a substance.

Because everything is energy ... first.

:grouphug:

THAT'S FUNNY!


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

I like that signature, coyote.

I knew I didn't have to get all 'into' it....
because there's a 'baseline'

where we all ... are alike.

Yup! :rotate:

I heard a saying once that AA is the only place where you can reminisce with a room full of complete strangers!

I think that's true for AlAnoners too!

Can you block that guy's email? Classify it as "junk" so you don't have to get that "shock?"

peace-
b.

You are correct. He is NOT a REAL http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...edicineMan.jpg

He is Just a http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...dmedbottle.jpg

LOL! (Jadmack) I wish I could tell ya just how right you are... *g*

Bernadette -
I just won't open any future ones.
I truly thought I'd made it clear... a year or so ago.

Thing is -
he lives about 120 miles from here - he may come looking for me.
I'm easy to find - just find the Alano club and someone there will know.

I'll wait and jump off that bridge when I stumble over it.

Barb -

I just want to say how much I loved this post!

I do not ever think I will hear from my XA again. Why would I??
But I still want to print this out, and have it so that if I were to, I could remember that ......

"the relationship with this man
destroyed my faith
my spirituality
everything ...
He even went through a phase he tried to impersonate me...
I stopped believing in a Greater Power,
and I vowed NEVER to love again
anything other than an animal."

Such great introspection from you! And it must feel GREAT to be able to say..."ummmm, thanks, but NO!"
:)

Thanks, and yes it does.

But something has happened on this thread
that I think is even MORE great -
and that is -

i didn't have to go all into 'the saga of barb'
I pretty much just made the most base description...

and you got it.

That's got me really HAPPY right now.

Like... relieved. Or something.

It's because, Barb... you write wonderfully. Descriptively. And we've all been there. I also loved the... made me want your autograph... comment. And the one saying this Barb Dwyer is MINE.

It's superb that you're encouraged by this thread. You encourage SO MANY. This is the right kind of pay back!

Love and Hugs to you Barb - you did the right thing for YOU!
:c029:

A LOT of suffering...
a LOT of lost sleep...
A LOT of tears...
A LOT of alcohol...
A LOT of bleeding...
A LOT of work...

... to get here.