Having a difficult evening
 

Detaching has been going well so far, but today I've been at my wits end and having a hard time detaching with love.

I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. I've been taking care of the 3 kids on my own all evening while he is in his room drinking and I find it so unfair. I ate dinner with the kids without him, cleaned up, and I put the kids to bed on my own, over an hour late. I asked him for help and he'd say "just a minute" and then completely forget.

Yeah, I'm pretty angry. The kids were lunatics this evening and I was the only one dealing with them.

I'm trying to accept that it's a disease, but what am I supposed to do when he's drinking, say to myself, oh, he's sick, poor guy. Yeah I do feel sorry for him and all of his anxieties and guilt, but on the other hand, where does that leave me?

Needed to vent :/

What a life. This is why the women in the US made alcohol illegal in the early 1900's. They saw how badly their husbands behaved.

At least we can leave them now without so much social stigma.

I'm sorry, I hope you get some relief. Why don't you hire a babysitter and take tomorrow night off? Go to the hot tubs!

SBH, sending big hugs to you.

That's why a lot of us end up moving on with our lives without them. Sometimes, there is such a thing as "worse than nothing," and an active alcoholic spouse is sometimes just that. My parents stayed together, and through watching them I learned how to be a good ACOA (adult child of alcoholics)...and all of the pain and suffering that caused me once I grew up. It would've been better for me to have one sane, sober parent.

Take care of yourself :hug:

SadButHopeful - I can SO related to these evenings...actually until very recently this was exactly what I went through night after night. Even when he wasn't drinking, he was in the room, watching TV while I did everything. I tried the whole idea of detaching etc....but I have to be honest, when I got married that life was not what I signed up for. I expect that my husband pick up his share of the duties/burdens....his disease/problem should not cause my life to be an absolute h***. I didn't deserve how he treated me or deserve the inner turmoil that I felt everyday. We are now seperated and while I am having a difficult time, and still doing all the work...>>I don'have him just sitting doing nothing anymore which makes it easier! I hope you are able to continue to feel some peace in your relationship.....

I lived that life for many years. My fears of being "without him" were so irrational. What did I think I would lose by leaving him? As it turned out, I now have one less "child" to take care of. He wasn't a partner, he was a burden. It was so much harder being married to him than it is being a single parent. Being a mom is a joy now without all that resentment and anger dragging me down.

L

Unfortunately, the cons far outweigh the pros when it comes to living with an alcoholic.

I hate to say it, but I agree with all comments made.

I'm in the process of divorcing my 2nd AH, and it sucks! Was married to the 1st A for 17 years. Don't believe in divorce, am a born again Christian, and think (thought?) that marriage should last for life, and that the vows were sacred. For better for worse, in sickness and in health, 'til death... and so on. I BELIEVED that! In many ways, I still do.

But SBH, had I stayed with either AH, I would literally have died, or at the very least gone completely insane. There are women I meet in Al-Anon who have stoically stayed with their AH's for YEARS. They seem happy enough, having found health and healing in The Program. I have no idea how they do it. I could not have, in either case.

So although the comments you have gotten so far seem to be the norm, it seems to be possible to survive being married to an AH. I don't know what you'll choose to do, but either way, I wish you success and joy.

Hugs!
Tigg

Are you serious about the prohibition thing???

My mom is on vacation this week and she's going to help me out, thank God!

Same here. Even when he's not drinking, I'm doing most of the work.

I've been thinking along these lines lately. Yesterday was our 8th anniversary, and it didn't bring me much joy. When I got married, I thought, WE thought, he would be the provider and I would be a SAHM. Well I ended up being a SAHM for most of the time, but we've always had some assistance from my FIL because my husband couldn't seem to make enough money, or didn't work at all. Every time, I just thought it would pass and believed everything he said.

So now, "we" have started a business, only I've done 80% of the work in starting it, I'm the brains behind it all, and STILL the one doing most of the work. WTH??? I have 2 kids and a baby to take care of!!!!

I think that most of it lies in this disease, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that he just plain doesn't like to work, and in your words, this is not what I signed up for.

It totally does feels like I have another child, only this one isn't so cute.

Tigger - I'm also a Christian and am trying to follow the Lord on this. It's so hard. I have also always believed in staying together. I'm trying to find acceptance and hope in all of this. I don't know what will become of us, but I want things to work out. He is a loving father, not abusive at all.

THANK YOU ALL for your support!!!

SBH - glad you vented. I've had similar nights - we all have, I'm sure. As they say, "do the next right thing" - I find that when I do the next right thing the tough situation of the day gets easier. when I don't do the next right thing (which seems like a good idea sometimes but never is!) I ony create more trouble for myself. Hang in there.

SBH, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, and with *3* kids to boot! I thought I had my hands full with a baby and a teenager!

I've been through those evenings with XAH; while he drank and played video games and yelled/screamed about how I wasn't doing x,y,z right, I cleaned up after him, his son, and my daughter and tried to keep the peace. I did all the parenting, homework supervision, etc, feeling resentful all the while, thinking "this is NOT what a marriage should be like", and eventually having maybe 15 minutes to myself after my baby went to sleep, after which XAH would staunter over and grope me, in the hopes that I would do my "wifely duty" and give him a b*** j**. Ugh (where's the smiley for puking?).

When my fantasies of being a single mother overtook my brain on a daily basis, when I finally realized that this wasn't what I wanted my entire life to be, I started to figure out how to leave.

Just add me to the pack. My life is so much better now without him sitting in the middle of our house, beer in hand, watching TV, griping about me, ignoring one child while turning the other into his best TV-watching buddy, all while I did all the work for everybody. And we had a baby, too.

It's hard now - on my own. But I am so safe and tired at the end of every day - and it's the tired of a day used to the fullest. I am exhausted because I work hard -- not because I am wrung out emotionally.

Good luck to you. It is a hard life.

I just spoke with him
 

I told him that I'm working on accepting that he has a disease but what I don't accept is that he chooses not to recover.

I vented to him about how sick I am of him not doing enough. I told him that I have no problem taking care of the kids and the house during the day if he would only work.

I'm bipolar, and whenever I am angry with him he accuses me of having an episode. I pre-empted him and said that if he thought this conversation is because of my disorder, then he can F-Off.

I said a few other things, and he had NOTHING to say.

Right now he is actually doing some work. This is what usually happens after I complain, and it only lasts a day or two.

oh hun, I'm sorry. How long do you want to keep going through this cycle with him?

I don't want to but I don't want to leave either. I'm stuck.

How the heck do you detach "with love"????

Can I ask (hopefully without offending) why you don't want to stay, and why you don't want to leave? Perhaps if you write it out, it'll help you get a feel for where you are emotionally.

Detaching with love...I figured out how to do it when I had some time away from XAH. Then some of the anger and resentment subsided, and I was able to honestly say that I didn't wish XAH ill, in fact I wished him happiness and recovery, but that I just couldn't be there to hold his hand through it. Unfortunately, that state of mind still isn't there all the time, and it only happened for me after I left XAH. While I was with him, I was only able to "detach" and keep to myself, but sadly, there was no love left. I just didn't have it in me anymore.

You accept him just as he is, right now. You let go of any expectation that he will change and become what you want him to be.

As far as I know, that's the only way.

Also, I don't really think any of us who left wanted to.

L

Just a thought.....I know you don't want to leave....but ask yourself do you really want to stay in this? People kept telling me over and over why are you staying....and it was the security of it, the scariness of being alone. I have 4 sons age 14,12,10,9 and a 13 month old daughter and a baby due in May...and I am scared. I know that I can do this though....I have a decent job, and a house, and a car, and everything I need. Sure it will be tight, but I know it is better for me emotionally, and better for my kids. I would NEVER forgive myself it they reenacted in the future what he is doing in the present, or if my daughter allowed someone to treat her the way I have been treated. I am not telling you what you should do...just stating that you can do whatever it is you set your mind to do...if you want to stay, you should....if you don't you shouldn't. Think about yourself, and what you need to have a meaningful fulfilling life....let that guide you! Believe me I know exactly where you are coming from......and I wish you peace.

My now deceased BF began drinking daily by 10:10 am and went to work blasted. Straight rum out of the bottle. One day I said, ya know what? I deserve an asset, not a liability which is what you've become. Once I started to take very small baby steps to rebuild my life, he began to notice the changes in me and the dynamics of the household. He still drank and used his DOC (plural)...but in the end it didn't matter. Whether I focused on the discontented life I was living or focused on my own happiness, the end result would've been the same. Just a matter of delay.

I was accepting it for a while, but last night I lost it. I'm sick of doing all the work. I don't want to be married to a child. I don't know if I can do this.

Wow...I'm seriously in awe of you!

I sometimes feel that God is making it impossible for me to leave because He doesn't want me to. I don't know, well, I guess I do know that I'm not looking to Him enough in this. I'm getting tangled in my emotions.

I want to stay for a couple of reasons...I have never believed in divorce, and I don't want my kids to go through a divorce. If I can stay and make this a peaceful environment for them, then I want to do that. He is a loving, fun father, and they adore him. They miss him when he goes out (which is rare that he goes out at all).

If I did leave....I would have nothing. He refuses to leave the house. I have no money, he's gotten into debt, with my name. I don't know how I'd survive.

I suppose it's the kids, they are the main reason I'm still here. I'll sacrifice anything for their happiness. If it got to a point that he was making life difficult for them, then I would leave. Everything I do is for them. If I left, they would still have an alcoholic father. Then what if he gets visitation? I could never trust him. I couldn't even trust him when I was in the hospital after having my last baby, my mom had to take care of them.

One of the problems is, I am miserable because of him, and that's not fair to them. I don't want them to have a miserable mom. I'm always depressed because of this. I'm so resentful of him just sitting around getting drunk (and high) while I work so hard.

Lastly, although I grit my teeth saying it at this moment, I love him. :(

IMHO, that is not one of the problems, that is THE problem. I am ACOA. My father was an alcoholic (and a compulsive gambler). His problems had very little effect on me. My mother's codependency, however, affected me profoundly.

If you are determined to stay, then please consider getting some help for yourself. Therapy, Alanon, or whatever will help you to not pass on the traits to your children that my mother passed on to me. If you really put the happiness of your children above all else, then help them by helping yourself.

L

Wonderful words of wisdom from everyone, particularly LTD and Anvil. Wow! I learn SO much from this forum, each and every day I'm here.

Yeah you are completely right. I was doing ok with Alanon (it's still new to me) but sometimes I think that to do that program means that I get beaten down in the process of acceptance.

I'm thinking. It's definitely not what I signed up for, but maybe I have to accept that. Or do I want to? No, but I'm willing to work on it. I think. Until I have a day like today and a night like last night. I'm so confused.

Right now, I am NOT being the best mother I can be. How freaking HORRIBLE is that???? I want Al Anon to help. I want something to help. I want them to have us together, happily. How can I achieve that?

Absolutely!

Something I've found very helpful when I'm feeling stuck is to acknowledge my choices. We all have choices, no matter what situation we are in. Just because we don't like certain choices, doesn't mean we don't have them.

So, maybe it will help you to admit that staying with him is a choice. It's not something you are forced to do, it's something you choose. Leaving is also a valid choice, however unappealing it may be to you.

Working from the understanding that you are staying out of your own choice opens up some room for considering the consequences of that choice, and how you can take concrete action to make it work for you.

Just for now, try accepting that you have made a choice to stay with him, exactly as he is. Now, what actions can you take to make that choice work for you and your children?

L

Thank you so much. What you're saying is so true and it really helps to think about it like this.

I'm having so much trouble deciding. I mean, I suppose I really have made the choice to stay, but I am not in a place right now where I can accept this behavior. How can I get there? How can I NOT be angry at him?

I feel so horrible for saying it, and feeling it, but I feel like I hate him right now.

I've been reading "One Day At A Time In Al Anon". I read a page on resentment, and it basically turns it around and makes you feel guilty for condemning a sick person. This doesn't make sense to me. I does in a way, I would never turn around and tell someone with cancer "hey, get off your ass and work".

The problem is, that the person with cancer can't choose recovery the way an alcoholic can.

He's not choosing recovery. The way I see it, is that he's choosing to make my life miserable. How can I feel sorry for someone who is doing that??? I said this to him today.

After I spoke to him, I lashed out at him later in the day. He has still said NOTHING. Oh, and he's drinking. I think that he is too scared right now to get completely wasted, but we'll see. He said that he's afraid of me. When I get angry, I get ANGRY. Not proud of it, that's part of my bipolar disorder, but it's not like I am unjustified here.

What a life is right!!!! When I got married to him 8 years ago yesterday, I never would have thought that I'd be going through this hell.

ETA: BTW, I'm not a violent person at all, just realized I made myself sound way too crazy lol.

You sound like you believe you either have to be angry at him or pity him. You don't have to do either. In fact, it would do you loads of good to stop thinking about him at all, and focus on you.

He is who he is. Your anger, or pity, or begging, or yelling will not change that. This is what I was getting at with the choice thing. You KNOW who he is, and you have chosen to stay with him. So now you must accept the consequences of that choice. Stop making yourself a victim by expecting him to be something else. Stop telling yourself that you are justified in resenting him. You are not a victim, you are a volunteer. There is not one thing you can do to change him, so get busy changing you.

Or continue on being angry, bitter, resentful and unhappy. That's a choice, too.

L

I don't think that "acceptance" means the same as tolerating anything.

I think that "detaching with love" is about not being sucked in to his patterns, acting out and other behaviors. It is not checking up on him, trying to catch him in lies, setting traps, obsessing about him and his drinking (is he, how much, when, why). It is loving from a distance. I love my mother - she lives 30 miles away. I talk to her once or twice a week, I don't ask her how she's living her life, or tell her how to do so. I think it's like that. (although we are not wrapped up in our parents - or most anyone else - the way we are in these people we once fell in love with)

Lateeda and coffeedrinker hit the nail on the head.
I had a hard time "getting" the concept and held his behavior in personal contempt. Not that I don't get angry now and then, and I have accepted that there isn't anything left for me to do to make the necessary changes except for changing how I live my life...I will have to move away from him if I truly want peace and not have him behaving bad in front of me or being emotionally & verbally abusive or having him not work and "sponging" like a parasite...no I have accepted that if I stay that is how it will be.
Do I like it? No, but I like the life I know I am entitled to even if it is without him...trust me I know I'll live. I know you will too.

First off, THANK YOU all for helping me.

Wow. Makes sense. What the hell have I gotten myself into. I have to accept that he chooses to be a drunk if I stay. I have to accept that he is selfish and lazy while I'm slaving away.

I can do this, I don't check up on him anymore, ask him how much he's drinking, etc, but what makes me angry is the fact that I am doing all of the work and taking care of the kids myself without his help because he is drinking. I guess this is what I have to accept?

Yes, I am def holding his behavior in contempt, because, as I see it, HE has choices too. He can choose to get help. He can choose to give his wife a better life. Please tell me if I'm looking at it the wrong way.