Confused by urges
 

Somebody please slap some sense into me.

This must be what it's like when an alcoholic relapses. I had a total meltdown over the weekend, freaked out over AH talking to his affair partner from last year.

Since, I've been doing ok, getting ready for a conference I'm attending Wed-Sunday, but for some reason I'm compelled to snoop. Look up the OW on facebook. Call my AH to see if he's hanging out with her (we're separated)

I swear to you, I was in the clear. For several weeks I didn't give a crap what he did. I know that was real.

Why do I care? Why is this tormenting me? It's like a demon, following me. Laughing at me, luring me back. I know I shouldn't call him or even THINK about him. What does it accomplish? He's most likely drunk anyway.

Little things are triggering me. Stuff that I haven't had to deal with for a long time, like jealousy over my friend texting him to ask a question about music. Like him calling my phone to talk to the kids, so now I think of course he's got plans and is out at the bar where he can meet her.

This drove me CRAZY when we were separated last summer and he was living with her, partying all over my little neighborhood with her. Thankfully he was nasty enough to me during our joke of an attempt at reconciliation that I was sick of him and glad to be rid of him for a good month. Really! I woke up every morning thankful to the high heavens that I had escaped. God I hate that man. I truly do.


Wait. I think that worked. Oh that's right. He doesn't deserve to lick my shoes, as my friend so nicely stated the last time I caught him with his bimbo. Or was it the time before...

Boy this stuff is such a mind game. Thanks for letting me vent. And if you have any brilliance regarding why my heart keeps trying to sabotage my happiness and serenity, I'd appreciate sharing. Especially if you've been through this.
TF:react

Sometimes I think my life is too quiet, and I really was addicted to some of the drama. Like a 5 year old, negative attention is at least attention, right?

Like toilet paper stuck on your shoe, you know the one that he sh!t on????
You may never be able to get the sticky smell off it...because sh!t stinks, it just does.
Might have to trash those shoes in the dumpster.

Knowing just hurts you...that is all it does.
He has hurt you enough.
Try to be nicer to yourself than he was and is and don't look for pain.
I don't know what he is doing, but whatever it is there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Gosh, why don't you imagine all the rottenest, meanest things he has said and done to you and imagine he he is doing it to her, because he will, he will.
That's a torture fantasy that would be based on reality.

I don't know the why of it - but I know that I have to sit down (literally) and really think about these feelings (whatever they are) when they hit me.

Why am I feeling this way? What is triggering this? Is it healthy for me to react to this feeling? Would it be better for me to simply let the feeling pass through me, rather than reacting to it? Etc.

Live he DID do all those things to her.
He cheated on me with herm then
He cheated on her with me
Her worst fear was he would go back to his wife and family and he lied about it until he knew I would take him back and then he did it.
He told me that because they both drank massively, they would have horrible fights.

Ugh. Yep that's working.

I don't want that. I want a man who ADORES me. Every day. I might just be lonely too. Even when we were fighting and chaotic and things were drama filled, I wasn't alone like I am now. I think I may miss our family being together.

But but but, when we were together I was sick all the time. Physically ill. Depressed. Terrified. My kids and I are so much better off away from him. I've noticed lately that I am so much closer to the kids since I left him.

*******. He raged at me while I cried. He went to a work party where she was so he could talk to her. I had known about it for three weeks and asked him if I should get a sitter so we could go and he would yell at me, "WE CAN'T GO, SHE'LL BE THERE" and accused me of living in the past. Of not letting go. I felt horrible about myself, second guessed myself constantly. I thought if I just worked harder, loved him more, we could get through this.

Then, the night of the party, he came home, showered and left to go "meet his dad." but instead called me from the bar to say he and his dad were going to the work party so he could introduce his dad to some people. I was stunned, absolutly stunned. I had begged him not to do anything like this to me. I cried so hard I couldn't breath. I screamed at him. He acted like it was all innocent, I was over reacting.

Then the next day he told me he had asked her to go outside and smoke with him, apologized to her for a letter he had sent her saying he was working on his marriage and she should stop contacting him. That letter was the only thing that made me feel like I meant more to him than she did, and he apologized to her for it.

Oh yeah, that works. That makes me sick.

Hi transform!! oh well it all comes in waves you know, its not linear. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breathe at a time...

Toxic patterns have been there for years or decades, detoxing from them will take a while too. As long as you keep your focus on your ultimate objectives, these are all just temporary distractions. As long as you do not act, you will be ok. Keep moving forward!!

Agreement here, transform, from a person who wondered those very things.

Usually I could trace my obsession to a cause that had NOTHING to do with him. There were hormonal shifts, or my self-esteem had just taken a kick to the shins for some reason, or I wasn't feel good about myself, or I wasn't getting enough sleep, or or or or, and just like picking at a scab, my mind went back to him. My favorite obsession target.

Years of habit have burned neat little neural pathways between certain feelings and your ex. You're still in the process of rewiring them. Ride these waves out as best you can and try to do better each time they hit you.

Now, about that conference. Tell me how great that's going to be :)

and p.s.: He's poop. Not worth the calories expended to snoop. Hey, I'm rhymin' :D

Liveweyerd- That was great, I just needed to read exactly that!
I had just called my best friend because I couldn't focus on my studies (i'm studying to be a psychologist, so I can fix the world :) ) but I just could not stop obsessing about HIM, for the moment.

And I did the SAME thing, use to go look at his fb page, and HERS to see their pics, were they together, what were they doing??? And yep, they were, and seeing it hurt and hurt and hurt some more!
So, I made the choice to block him and her. Really NO contact. I was so tired of putting myself through the pain. It is pointless. He has hurt me enough.

He had actually blocked me a while ago, but for whatever reason decided to unblock me. He knew I would go look at his picture....boy did he have me pegged! So I'm fairly sure that he put a pic up that he knew would hurt me. I'm sure he expected an emotional reaction.... but all he got was me blocking him. Now I can't see him, he can't see me. And I can REALLY try and move on. And in a wierd sense, blocking him kinda gave me a little of my power back.
I know how you feel!

Still stuck with my thoughts! But it's a process. And reading your posts makes the pain go away a little more each day.

Hey Transform...

What you are experiencing sounds absolutely draining. I don't have any suggestions on why you are feeling urges, but a professional I'm sure could help you to sort out your feelings.

I honestly feel for you and what you are putting yourself through and I so hope you begin heal. You mention that you have been detaching, but it seems if you aren't speaking to him directly, you are asking him to explain his whereabouts, or looking up his ex. This I would imagine is torture for you. Did you get a chance to look into any free clinics today?

transform, instead of competing to win a loser, how about competing to lose him quicker?
Change the game plan, make a new game of it in your head.

LALALALALALA.....gee, won't you be looking so suave at your conference, some loser whose name is J-a$$ will never get to see me or be with me because he is just a loser and I am a winner...the NA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAA song. Super-transform's a champoin...oh, wait that is a Queen song. Who is the Queen? Roll out the red carpet, a star is born,...oh, wow, did you see her just turn up her nose at that guy stuck to window by his tongue looking at her? ;)

The hurt will pass. The hurt will pass.

You can SO do so much better than him!!!!!!!!!

Give Love have I told you lately that I love you?
This will be my second DPA conference. They're held bi-annually and every human who can give me a job in drug reform will be there. I ran a successfull oped project for one of the sponsoring organizations but they moved me to Staff Writer because we only have an operating budget for about 3 more months only so I'm helping with development. We;re a non profit so the economy is eating us alive.

Anyway-I only work part time for these guys and REALLY need full time work so I"m hoping someone there will give me more work.

I also telecommute and will be meeting many of my colleges in person for the first time.

Last conference, I had two men that were very forward with me and bought me dinner and paid a great deal of attention to me: the man who won the lifetime achievement award, and a DA from the east coast. At the time it was so bizarre to me and I'm not expecting it to happen again but looking back on it I think those men saw and treated me so differently than my AH ever did, I wasn't able to fully comprehend the message there. That I am beautiful, smart and capable. I remember thinking at the time, now here's a man I could really be happy with.

But I went home to AH and kept up the fighting, the pain, kept running after him. Like a child.

This time, I feel sort of beaten. I am desperate for a job. I have been to hell and back in these last two years. I'm not looking for external validation from men (and wasn't two years ago either, that's what took me so by surprise) but I know I'll meet many wonderful, dedicated, inspirational people and that this time will propell me forward in my work for a good long time.

And, I get to room with this amazing, 60 year old woman who is still spanking hot, brilliant and wise. I love her.

gerry
Nope not doing that at all. I was thinking about it, but came here first to ask for help, which I thankfully am recieveing and feeling much much better now.

Yes, I looked at some clinics and also talked to an attorney who said keep it quiet until the divorce is final so he can't use it against me.

Also went to yoga today.

WOW....what an opportunity!

There sounds like there is so very much THERE for you!

you go, girl!

live this is so funny, you are so funny
I am a Leo and really identify with it, hence the lioness and her cub on my avatar. Leo's are very regal and full of themselves so yes, I can relate to this

Oh thank you guys! I'm so glad i came here instead of white knuckling it because I was afraid you'd tell me how horrible I am or how scared you are for me and I need to go get help. Which I do, and will, but that doesn't help at 10pm on a Monday...

GL this is sheer brilliance. Thank you. These urges are nothing more than gooey brain habits. Ew.

Goodnight wonderful SR family.

You guys did it! I am happy and excited and ready to finish packing for my trip tomorrow. Spend the last night with my little guys.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sorry Transform, I miss read your post and yes SR is a great place to come to when you need to vent and get perpective.

Enjoy the conference and hope that you get some leads for a full time job while you are there. You know, I'm just thinking...it's very possible that you will be feeling less vulnerable once you find full time writing.

Kitty!
Thank you!

Perfectly understandable Gerry, and you're freaking brilliant!
this hadn't even occurred to me, but you're right, so right.
I just need more work, all though I am afraid the thing I need to do the most is finish my book proposal and get an advance to write my memoir. Won't that be fun..We;ll need a huge bottle of anti-anxiety meds for that one....

packed up the red,
headed to bed,
tomorrow I'll reign
over all the insane...
hip. hop.

hey, I am nevah gonna make it as a wrapper. LOL

G'nite dear!

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Maybe instead of trying to learn to hate him, you should work towards not giving a damn about him. :)

L

true, true, true....but it might take until after the divorce?

I don't think anyone said the opposite of love is hate. And I don't think I love that guy. I think he's just a burnt trench in my brain goo.:c043:

Indifference is where I was until this past weekend, and I'll get there again.

For now, I'm very comfortable consciously moving from fear and pain to anger. It keeps me from getting sucked into that other horrible place. Very effective, very valid way to "remember" reality. It's not where I want to live but I have to move through it to get to peace.

After I've got some NC under my belt, the indifference will return.

Longer than that. I still can't quite get to that point (4 years later) with my X. But, it helped me to make that my target, rather than hating him. I've managed to be indifferent about his choices and actions, but I will always care on some level, I think.

L

LTD I wonder if not making indifference a "target' would expedite the process?

For me, I just let go fully, immersed myself in my life, then my life was more interesting and fulfilling than him. My obsession with him was replaced by the drive to better myself.

It was a natural order of consequences, but you may not need all the work that I do, so the pay off may not be as dramatic...:c031:

Also, I had a realization about my AH and my triggers.

During my trigger last weekend, I asked him why he changed his profile picture on ***** to a rooster. I told him it made me feel like he was advertising his c*** to everyone. He said he thought it was funny, that it was absurd.

But he also had a shirt (last summer while with his skanky *****) that said HALF MAN HALF HORSE. He also has pictures of naked women that he says he thinks are "cool" that used to totally freak me out. Also, he emailed a picure he took of a woman showing clevage to his father from a night they were out drinking, laughing about the 'mammaries"

If he hadn't been such a "player" I don't think it would have. Boy am I damaged.

My point is that I want him to lie to and comfort me, but in truth, this man sees himself as a stud. He thinks it is funny and cool and that he is a womanizer. It's that simple. I need to accept it. Hell, women throw themselves at him! He is beautiful and charming. Too bad he gets so drunk he pees in closets. Maybe he should wear a shirt that says that instead.

Half Man, Half Horse
Pees In Closets

Transform, I think you are going to have a wonderful time at that conference. You get to network with people in your field, be around people who are healthy, get some positive attention that might lead to a job. I'm excited for you!

I was thinking about your post and what struck me is how I had been doing somewhat of the same thing before I unfriended my H on facebook. He had always made girlfriends over the internet, had a great way of seeming to be a bird with a broken wing so that women would want to step in and pick him up. And I noticed he was doing that, that he had several female friends commenting on his status updates, soothing him, loving him, suggesting things...I started to hit that panic/control mode and so unfriended him and shut it down.

Some of the responders in the thread have used words like addiction, obsession to describe this. I'll toss another word in the mix: HABIT.

It has been our life for years to try and control the behaviors of our partners. As horrible as they made us feel, the minute we sensed their behavior was going in a direction we didn't want, we pounced on it and tried to change it, manipulate it. It became a learned response - they'd zig, we'd zag, they'd twitch, we'd pounce. The horrible, awful dance of codependence. And our actions became our habit. Repeat anything enough times, and your body and mind will automatically turn to that when presented with a similar situation even if you know better. So by coming here, by talking ourselves through this, we are creating - slowly - NEW habits. Better habits.

You are doing so well to recognize when you need support and coming here instead of acting on those feelings was just brilliant.

Have a wonderful time at your conference!

Ok, I almost spit my coffee out reading this! How funny...and how he is so like my exah! He is a serious loser. No money, had no license for a year, starting to physically wither due to alcohol yet he has women all over him. Yes, i am sure they are damaged as well but hes got the ego strokes coming.

LOL peeing in closets! Brought back a memory of exah getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and then I hear him peeing at the edge of the bed! YUCK! I was so disgusted. I wish the women could see that.

I think we are married to the same man!:headbange

Yes! Thank you Cowgirl.

startingover
OMG that IS funny. It's hilarious. Re-reading what I wrote, I crack myself up too.
And I think I’ve asked you that before, if we were married to the same man. I wonder what that means. I think it means that this disease is predictable.

I was thinking on the way home after dropping off the kids, I’m learning so much about myself. Coming here, posting, and processing instead of hitting the automatic redial button on my behavior truly is an amazing, eye and consciousness opening experience.

I have a different take on this however:
I agree with this concept, that I manipulate, but my language needs to be slightly different.
And I think this helps me articulate the only issue I have at times with al anon.

I would say that yes, I pounced, I tried to change and manipulate, but for me there has to also be acknowledgment of my learned behavior from childhood, the pain and damage inflicted upon me as a child that created this behavior. There has to be acknowledgment of what I'm doing without judgment. With forgiveness, not condemnation. I am not saying you were doing that; I’m illustrating a point.

Some folks here have a tone (perceived by me) of harshness, condemnation in these aspects of the recover from codependency that evoke a strong reaction from me. Let me be clear though that I do not think you were are are doing that, Girl With Cow... I'm talking about other posts that I've seen.

Others, like Give Love (cue angels singing) are only always supportive, kind and mega cautious with every word. It's impressive.

Unless I’m very kind to myself, I will not change. I'm not one of those folks who need and benefit from tough love. I'll stay stuck in shame and self defense. Also, and as equally important, I won't get to a place where I can see the hurt of the folks who have "hurt" me. If I can't forgive and accept myself, I cannot change those things or forgive and accept others.

I hope this is clear, it's still somewhat foggy to me...Good news? I'm obsessing about MYSELF instead of AH...baby steps.

And now, to yoga again and then try to fit 5 days worth of living into a dinky carry on...

I was only sharing one tool that helped me with the obsession. Whenever I started obsessing over him, I intentionally said to myself "who cares what he is doing." Then I could get back to immersing myself in my life easier and quicker than when I was trying to think about how awful he was and how much he hurt me. Whatever works, right?

We're talking about the same thing, I think. And frankly, I don't understand why your responses to me have such hostility in them.

L

Mega cautious GiveLove (:)) flouncing in here with my bunny slippers and my curlers flying with a gentle reminder of one of the most important rules of this board: Take what you need, and leave the rest.

As in every community, irl or online, there are many approaches offered by different members here. Some are tough love, some are as soft as tofu, and most are in between. All are valuable at different points in our healing. People offer what they have, and what worked for them. It is each SR member's responsibility to take what is appropriate for us, and skip over the things that are too hard or too soft for us at this moment in time.

If you reallyreallyreally don't want a particular member's input and can't see your way to skipping over their posts, you can put them on Ignore and you won't see their posts at all. This is preferable to calling each other out.

Me? I have the envious position of being able to see the beauty in everything that's offered here, too hard, too soft, whatever. It is all sacred to me, even if I don't want to hear it.

Thanks for listening.

Now, if that coffee doesn't hurry up, I'm gonna pull out the pot and stick my head under there.....