I don't know what to think... I'm kind of in shock
 

I'm new here and have been reading and reading and reading for days and I finally have gotten up the nerve to share my story and hope that someone can tell me that what I'm experiencing is "normal" because right now I feel about ready to lose what's left of my mind.

What's gotten me to the point of writing is that I am pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic and I just don't have any idea how to interact with him anymore. He's not violent or abusive. He's great with our children. He's a responsible man, has a good job, is intelligent and kind, but has a definite drinking problem and it has caused a rift the size of the Grand Canyon between us. To the outside world I come off looking like a pissed off, bitchy wife who is unfairly critical of my husband, but I think that my anger comes from being so sad and lonely and tired of the distance that has grown between us. I am not proud of who I've become and I hate that I am a sad, scared, paranoid person now. I am constantly checking the recycling, trying to smell if he's been drinking, I get uncomfortable whenever others are over and there is drinking going on because my husband always gets the most bombed and acts like a fool. Time after time I've said to him that it seems he's out of it and I've asked him how much he's had to drink. He always tells me he's just had a few beers and that he can't "take this again" from me and we wind up fighting about something unrelated. I go to bed sad and feel like crap for being suspicious and feel guilty for accusing him of being drunk when he claims he's not.

Well.... we went on vacation to the beach last week. My mom stayed with our two little girls one evening and we went out. During the course of the evening my husband told me that for the past almost 2 years he's been lying to me about his drinking. He told me that all the times I thought he'd had too much to drink, he had. He told me that he hides the beer bottles/cans so I won't see them in the trash. He told me that he's been seeing a therapist (which I knew though I didn't know what he talked to her about b/c he wouldn't tell me) and he's told her all of this and that she told him he had to come clean to me. He told me all of this but then just as quickly, said that he thinks the reason he's been drinking more (and lying to me) is because things have been tense between us. He told me that when I am critical of him it makes him want to drink to alleviate his anxiety and that while he thinks he might be "on the verge of possibly having a drinking problem" (his words), he thinks just as much of the issue is me. I got really upset about this and told him that the reason I've become a person I hardly recognize is because there's been a growing distance between us (which I now attribute to his drinking and lying) and that the lack of closeness between us, the feeling I've had that he's been putting walls up with me and the apathy I feel from him are all the things that have caused me to be angry, snippy, full of rage, pick fights about non-important issues etc...

I feel like I've been questioning my sanity and my integrity for the past two years and to hear from him that everytime I've questioned him and been right, he's lied and convinced me that I was wrong (and mean to boot) for questioning him, is not sitting well with me. I want to be supportive and I want to do whatever I can to help him but I'm not sure he's actually really ready to get help or get better. He's still making excuses, he's saying I'm responsible for his drinking and his attitude toward my expressing feelings about all of this is "you're being selfish- I don't have the ability to care about how you feel right now".

Honestly, even though he's gentle and kind 99% of the time and I have no reason to leave, that's what I want to do. I am on an emotional rollercoaster day to day with him. I am afraid to tell him how I feel, or express any emotion other than happiness (and even then I have to be nice and calm for it to be okay-- no emotional extremes in this household). Whenever I start to talk to him about my thoughts or feelings about anything related to us, he takes every word I say as a criticism (even when I am not being critical, that's how he hears it) and he shuts down. He gets defensive, angry and nasty verbally. He doesn't listen to what I say but instead he interprets the first few words I saw and jumps to assumptions about what I must be saying.

I grew up in a really screwed up family (no drinking but behaviors of an alcoholic family-- a dry drunk type of setting) and the way my husband has become is just like how my mom was to me my whole life. I was always told I was imagining things when I said that I was hurt by how I was treated, I was told I was a liar, I was told I was mean etc... and it was never safe to talk about emotions. Now, I'm in a marriage that has become a mirror image of the emotional hell I lived my whole childhood.

I don't know where to turn, what to do, how to help my husband or myself. I am self-destructing as I write this. I'm developing a raging eating disorder, am exercising 4-6 hrs a day and am a mess.

How have others of you found peace for yourselves while still supporting your spouse? I don't want to up and leave him but if I stay and things continue as they are, I am going to literally drop dead eventually. The stress, panic, anxiety I have is coming out as anger and frustration at everyone and everything around me. I hate the kind of parent I've become to our two little kids (3 and 1), I hate how angry I feel at my husband all the time, I hate the resentment I feel constantly... I don't know how to help him or me....

Thanks for reading all of this. It was cathartic to just get it out. There's a lot more to this than I said here-- this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I think this gives a good sense of what's going on.

I knew there was one other thing I wanted to add. After he told me about his drinking and lying for the past few years and told me he had no ability or desire to care about my feelings about all of this right now, he ended by telling me that his biggest fear in telling me this was that I would leave him. I instantly reassured him I wouldn't and told him it meant a lot that he opened up to me and was honest with me. Later in the week during another conversation, he reitterated that he needed to just focus on him right now. He said he was "reeling" from telling me all he did and couldn't focus on anyone else. (I wasn't asking him to focus on anyone else by the way). So, trying to be supportive of what he was saying, I said that it seemed to me that before we could work on "us", he needed to work on himself and get to a place where he felt better first. I said that (and I was crying by this point) that as much as it hurt me to say it, if he felt he needed to be alone for a while in order to focus 100% of getting himself better, I understood. His reaction was a look filled with venom and he said to me that I was "unreasonable and uncaring" and that he regretted telling me the truth that he'd told me a few nights before.

This to me is just another example of how he is much more comfortable assuming that I am out to get him instead of assuming that I am loving and caring toward him. I tried to offer a solution that went along with what he said he wanted and the reaction I got was him telling me I am a terrible person.

I am soooooo tired of feeling like crap about myself all the time because of the screwed up way his mind works and the mind games he plays. I don't think he does it intentionally (one of his favorite lines is: I didn't set out to intentionally hurt you so you shouldn't feel hurt"). Basically no matter how I feel, I am always wrong. He always has an excuse for what he's said or done and I am always in the wrong for feeling sad or hurt or angry.

You know, if you feel that your relationship with your husband results in a degradation of your quality of life or mental health, you CAN give yourself permission to make whatever changes you need to improve your health. You and only you are the executor of your life. You can't change what other people do, but you can govern what you do.

We are often chained by "rules" or "principles" or "loyalties" that turn out to be self-imposed prisons that confine us.

Great first step venting here and beginning your journey toward better mental health and quality of life.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Your husband is being extremely unfair, but then, most alcoholics are. His recovery is on HIM, not you. You can't make him drink. He chooses to drink. He will either choose recovery or he won't. If he does make the choice to embrace recovery, he needs a plan and a program of some sort. I hear the AA steps are great on helping people assume responsibility for their own lives. There is also a program for friends and families of alcoholics called Alanon. You will also do step work and will lean what is your responsibility and what is not. You do not have to put up with this crap and that's what it is. (((HUGS)))

I guess I should have asked some questions... that's what I really needed -- I just got on a vent and lost track...

So, does it sound like my husband is an alcoholic? My association with alcoholism is someone like my husbands father-- he sits and drinks from a vodka bottle, passes out in a chair, falls down etc... My husband is very functional so it is hard to think he is an alcoholic.

Are the behaviors he's displaying (blaming me, not wanting to hear my feelings, making excuses for his drinking) things that are common for somone with a drinking problem?

I guess I don't know if maybe he is right and the problem is me. Or, maybe the problem is "us" and the drinking is just a side effect.

I am very confused.

Are the behaviors he's displaying (blaming me, not wanting to hear my feelings, making excuses for his drinking) things that are common for somone with a drinking problem?

Absolutely. Also, one doesn't have to be living under a bridge to be an alcoholic. There are millions of highly functioning alcoholics.

Welcome and good vent! Those really are cathartic, so don't stop ;). I found that pushing all those pent up feelings out started the process of discovering who I am.

I have found that I am supporting my AW the most by working my own program and letting her work hers. I see the change in myself and I see that I am truly starting to get better. To answer your question, I am supporting my spouse by finding peace for myself. :)

Re-read the part where he regretted telling the truth to you. My wife used to say stuff like that and I would have rather had her hit me. It would have hurt less.

This is what got me to Al-Anon. My wife entered treatment but would not call herself an alcoholic. I knew even then that if I talked to her about alcoholism or anything like that, it would turn into a fight or she would just deny it and leave the room. I, however, knew two things: my wife drinks a lot, and I am affected negatively by this. To me, that's enough for "admission" to Al-Anon. When my wife wrote to me from treatment and said that she is an alcoholic, that's when I became a "full fledged" Al-Anon member.

Those behaviors he is displaying are common for alcoholics, but that doesn't really matter until he admits it.

My belief is that every child deserves at least one sane parent. I hope by now you know that you can't control your husband, but that you can work on yourself. I'm sure most everybody here would love for your children to have two sane parents, but nobody can control your husband except for him. You can be the sane one, you have the ability. You may need help along the way from a counselor, but that's okay. You are worth it, and your kids deserve it.

as a guy who has just stopped drinking ,i can honestly say if you want a man to drink ,just keep nagging and bitching at him and if you use the words you are not going out tonight i can guarantee you will see his butt walking out of the door ,i mean why bother to stay in if someone is being an a55hole to you ,when your mates up the pub make you feel wanted and they think your funny

its only when you are sober you can see things for what they really were

the a55holes were the ones who did not care if your relationship broke up and you died of liver failure

the one who you thought was the a55hole was trying to save your life coz she loves you ... i can see that now but for the life of me i could not then:c023:

Welcome Rmm. I am so glad you decided to post. I too found reaching out for help scary. What you wrote above describes me and my situation exactly. I was an emotional basketcase 3 years ago. My husband was an high functioning A that to the outside world was "Guy of the Year". I was you.

I helped myself in the following ways. First I had to acknowledge there was a definite problem_ _ with me. I had to recognize that my body had been trying to tell me all along that something was wrong and I refused to listen. I didn't think I had the right to live the life I was meant to live. I became so enmeshed in him I was lost. On top of it he was lying, gas-lighting, blame shifting, ...and other emotionally abusive behaviors. I was convinced I was bad and wrong and if only........(fill in the blank of some behavior I could adjust). One day I had enough and found myself sobbing in an Alanon meeting and that the was start of my new life.

Second, I had to accept that I could not control anyone but me. I realized I was pretty mixed up about relationships, boundaries, etc and I sought the guidance of a therapist with an addictions background. I also attended Alanon, and I read a lot of books, and posted here.

I also started to take care of me. At first just little tiny steps. All those little tiny steps have led to me a place of peace and joy. Yeah, sometimes I am still angry, resentful, remorseful...but those are feelings that are part of my recovery. I no longer "fall into my pit" and stay there for weeks on end.

I like my life now. I hope you find the support and guidance you need to help you too find serenity and joy.

benham- wow- your statement about your wife saying similar things about regretting telling you the truth hurting more than being hit really hit me hard (no pun intended). i told my husband that his telling me that really, really hurt and he totally brushed it off and told me i misinterpreted what he meant and he turned it around somehow so that i wound up apologizing to him for being upset and i ultimately felt bad for him. now i'm rethinking it and am really sad again and angry. as for the kids deserving at least one sane parent...you know what's sad... i feel like my husband is the saner parent to our girls right now. i am such a wreck 24:7 wondering what he's next going to get upset with me about, what i'm going to get blamed for doing, when he's going to sneak drinks and try to hide it etc... that it has made me a miserable wretch of a mom and wife... it's a sad sign that my happiest times are when he's not home. when he stays late at work, goes away for the weekend with my brothers or is working is when it's the most relaxed. weekends are pure hell around here.

to everyone: thanks for all your advice and thoughts. i should have sought this place out years ago since i've been concerned since we first started dating-- but we were youngish and i chalked up the drinking to being out of college and part of the age...i think when i first posted here this morning part of me hoped that everyone would say "he's fine, you're the problem" because then i could focus on fixing me and be in control. i guess deep down i knew the answers to my questions before i asked them. i really don't know how to let go of wanting to try and control my husband in order to make him be more responsible and healthy. i guess i can't do those things for him , can i?

has anyone else had the experience of feeling like you can't even look your spouse in the eyes anymore because it hurts too much to look at them and wonder where the person is that you fell in love with since they aren't there anymore? i find myself averting my gaze when we talk and can't remember the last time i felt comfortable looking him straight in the eye when we talked. that's pretty sad i think.

chrysalis, so al-anon you found helpful huh? i guess maybe i ought to check it out... i live in a very very small town and my husband is a teacher at the local high school so i am doubly worried about "keeping up appearances". ironically, the harder i try to keep up appearances for his sake, the more nuts i make myself. it's wild to hear that someone else has had the experience of being married to "man of the year" and in turn feel like you're the terrible one. i feel like my whole family (and certainly his because they've said as much) feel like i'm too hard or too impatient with him. how is it though that these same people don't see him drinking to excess and being a zombie at family gatherings, leaving me to make it seem like it's "normal". who wouldn't be pissed off and irritable at this scenario after a number of years, right?

baldjim- is there something you'd recommend i could do differently to help/support my husband based on your experience? i know in the moment, that my getting frustrated does nothing to help either of us but i also feel like saying nothing just tells him that what is happening is okay... i feel like i am walking a tightrope with no end in sight and there's no "right" way to reach the end in one piece... so, any perspective you have as someone who has been in the place my husband is currently in, might help me a lot....

welcome rmm!
I too have found al-anon helpful in my alcoholic marriage. It helps me focus on things I CAN change - ME!

like AA, it is ANONYMOUS, no one is giong to run out of a mtg saying "Guess who I saw!?" - Mtgs usually meat in churches, you can always just say it's a church mtg if someone asks ------

my mother refused to go to al-anon or to let us kids go, for fear that "THEY" would find out my father was an alcoholic (he was a big-wig in town) --- trust me, they already knew -----------------

I am an alcoholic and I married an alcoholic - we are both in recovery and I try to work both programs - NO ONE can "make me" drink --- they can make me leave the room, the house, the relationship, but they can't make me drink because DRINKING IS MY CHOICE - PERIOD


welcome to the forum, it's a good place

Blue

I am sure I sound like I am making excuses (and maybe I am)... I feel like I have one reason after another why I am responsible and why even though AA and Al Anon are anonymous, I don't think most of my town understands what anonymous means! I feel guilty asking my husband to watch the girls so I can go to an Al Anon meeting, I think he'll drink when I'm gone etc... Is this excuse making of mine a common phase of spouses of alcoholics coming to terms with "stuff". I've been pretending for a number of years that the problem I knew was there with his drinking was all in my head (as he's told me over and over). It's literally been less than a week since he came clean about the extent of his drinking and lying and my head is spinning still.

Perhaps.

I would go into this with an open mind and a question or three. Maybe he's an alcoholic. Maybe he's a continuous hard drinker, who if given a sufficient reason to stop or moderate, he can. If he's too far advanced, he's an alcoholic who cannot moderate the amount once he starts nor can he stay away from the 1st drink for long on his own power.**

Either way, it is not your fault... not now, not ever. You need to decide for yourself and your family and your household, including your children... what must be done if things get worse.

If it turns out he's not an alcoholic and just a hard drinker, he can stop or moderate and problem solved.

But if he's the real deal... it only gets worse.

Then if that's the case, he's got to get to the place where he hits a bottom and/or comes up against some kind of life and death choice. Circumstances and frothy emotional appeal "seldom suffices." In otherwords, there's no ultimatum you can put on him to "change".

So knowing that, don't beat yourself up. Alanon? What do you think of it? Have you considered it? You can get free of his situation whether he changes/recovers or not. There's a chapter in the A.A. book called "To Wives". You may find something useful in there. It does good to describe the severity of the alcoholics' plight. My wife read it and thought it was BS. She said, "If you pulled any of the kwrap in there, I'd be or you'd be gone!" :cool:

**Is he an alky? It is as simple as this; can he control the amount once he starts to drink? Can he stay stopped or away from the first drink for very long on his own power? If he can do neither of those... things look pretty grim.

If he chooses recovery, and if he chooses A.A., I hope he gets in with a group who actually does steps and aims for "recovered." If that happens, life can take on a new meaning for you, him, and your whole family in a positive way.

I hope things turn out well for you and soon.

I asked him this question (whether he can stop after one drink) and he said he can't. Guess that answers the question for me, doesn't it : ( . He says that (and I have always noticed this but chalked it up to a "guy thing") that he drinks the first few beers (or drinks) really fast and then he just feels a physical need to keep going. He's recently (maybe the past 6 months or so) been talking about feeling depressed and anxious all the time. He thinks that the drinking is to medicate himself b/c of the depression and anxiety. I think that the depression and anxiety could be caused by the drinking. Either way, he has several issues to deal with. He did make an appt with his primary care doctor (at the recommednation of his therapist) to see about taking anti depressants. However, it seems to me that taking meds and still drinking probably isn't the best idea. He hasn't had anything to drink in 4 days (so he says) and I'm just kind of on edge perpetually waiting for him to melt down b/c of the lack of drinking..

We have this routine (used to be nice and now it's something I dread) where he makes pizza on Fri nights. It used to be a time we'd spend in the kitchen together, talk, have a glass or two of wine and then he started about 8-9 months ago, getting nasty and snippy and I found it easier to do something alone in the living room while he made pizza. Turns out (I feel stupid for not knowing this sooner) he was getting bombed in the kitchen alone and by the time we were ready to sit and have dinner together (and I was eager for conversation and a relaxing fri night) he was drunk and just wanted me to leave him alone. Literally, every fri night for the past 8-9 months we've had a fight because of this. The fight ends with my threatening to leave b/c I can't take it anymore, him telling me I'm imagining things and that he's just worn out from the week and only had 1-2 beers and I go to bed in tears.

I don't attend Al Anon. But I read lots, post on here and have a one to one counsellor to talk to. I highly recommend Melody Beatties 'Co-dependant No More'. I think it ought to be a primer for everyone living with/affect by someone in their lives who has problems with alcohol! Another book I found useful was 'Getting them Sober'.

I went to a local Al Anon meeting and it just wasn't for me. I much prefer the anonymity of online fourms. Al Anon has helped so many, it could help you too. But don't think that is your only option here.

The best way you can support your husband is to look after yourself. Sounds counter intuitive but its true! You've already said you're feeling like a basket case and you will be no use to anyone if you don't start to look after yourself. He's an adult and needs to be treated as one. Posters on the forum have said that you can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness. It sounds really selfish but you have to take care of you, first and foremost. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure him. Harsh stuff I know. Take time to read through the stickies. Your story will be repeated in a lot of the threads there. When I read them for the first time I found it really spooky!

Welcome, I hope you can find the help you are looking for here at SR. I quoted your post above because I've been there. I spent YEARS feeling responsible for my AH. I did everything I could think of make things better. I remember one day I just got so overwhelmed.... I took a walk with the dog and I was crying, he pulled up beside me on the road and yelled at me that he couldn't live with a crazy person! That was near my bottom. My life was gone as I was just trying to please someone that could not be pleased. Nothing I did was right.

I think I heard a lot of the same crazy making stuff you are getting now.

As to Alanon, I found a noon meeting. My kids were in school. My AH DID drink with the kids even when he PROMISED he wouldn't. My AH did find out when the meetings were and that when he would call me and want to go to lunch.... sooooo... we haven't gone to lunch in years and now you want to go to lunch on the one day I have an Alanon meeting? My time was limited due to work, kids etc but is all worked out. If Alanon is helpful for you then go, do what you have to do for yourself.
Its hard to change your thinking, I know, after having heard for years that there isn't a problem, I was over reacting, I was the reason for the problem, everyone drinks like he does, if I was just a better wife, if the house was cleaner he wouldn't have to yell at me..... I started to belive it.

My point is take care of yourself, and the kids. He is an adult, he can make his choices.
Good luck with this, you have taken the first step by reaching out for help. :welcome

To me, feelings are a true entry into my soul. If I really want to know what I think about a situation, I start with finding out how I feel about it. A lot of what I think is motivated by how I feel. My feelings are natural reactions and they are OKAY. This part took me a long time to realize, so please don't expect to make this change overnight:
Now, the difference is my actions. Feelings are good and natural, but actions based off of feelings may or may not be okay.
You obviously know more about your life than I ever could, but I'm going to make a stab in the dark here. I think your kids know there is something wrong with dad, and that makes the sane parent count in the house to be 0. Like I said before, YOU have to power to make yourself the sane parent in the house.
You may see that as a sad sign, but I see that as hope. I would be more afraid if you liked the times you get blamed or are afraid to upset him in anyway and were a wreck when he's not there. This to me means that you have the beginnings to be okay with yourself. If you start to get better, he may not like it. He's lost a scapegoat for his own feelings. Who knows what will happen at that point, but the two most important things will happen:
1) The sane parent count will reach 1
2) You will love yourself

That to me would be a great success, and everything else would be up to your husband. Does he want to get better? Or will he decide to stay where he is?

I frequently delved into the unknown with my ex as well. Things just weren't 'right' and I broached the subject out of my desire for a connection and some intimacy we once shared. On more than one occasion, I explained feeling like nothing more than a roommate... with the exception that I'd had better roommates because they shared financial and other responsibilities of a household. Snarky... you bet. Passive-aggressive... you bet. It's too much to cope with alone, which is what delivered me to my own recovery.

I also noted a similar dynamic to my relationship and that is common when addiction is injected into a relationship... many, if not all, of the issues I raised were never addressed. I then became the a55hole baldjim referred to and gave her plenty of ammunition to form such an opinion of me. I would find myself apologizing for my behavior and words only to realize I was suffocating my own needs... and furthermore to find the 'rational' answer I sought, such as why her vehicle had been repossessed, was left unanswered. My guilt and shame dominated until I lost trust in my own thinking and the apologies became about who I am and what I needed rather than for simply a55hole behavior.

I think you said it best and have found an answer for yourself when you spoke of being tired of finding ways to cope with the screwed-up thinking. It's when I look to the behavior of others to determine my next course of thinking, feeling, or behaving that I become most lost and distant from myself. Though not perfect, my recovery has focused much on holding onto what is good about me and not allowing the good qualities and beliefs to be repressed by secrecy and deception of others. With that being said, I also have to allow others their screwed-up thinking if that is what they so choose.

If you don't want someone to get your goat, don't show 'em where you tie it up.

Glad you're here.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Not sure if anyones said it yet...The three C's.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

From reading your opening post about your husband and his behaviour, it SCREAMED "alcoholic" to me. What you're feeling is completely normal for a co-dependant.

Co-dependancy is where we get so embroiled in someone elses life and business that we stop looking after ourselves and our needs.

Nearly everything you described I have experienced with my ABF, so have most people here. I too felt as though I was losing my mind. I believed his manipulations. I put all his needs before my own. I bought him alcohol. I checked up on him. I counted his drinks. I screamed and cried and stamped my feet. I was lonely and sad.

I expected him to change to suit me but I forgot that I have the power to change ONLY me. I couldn't change him. Nothing I said or did made one bit of difference, he did what he was going to do regardless of how it made me feel. He didn't care that I was sad, crying, upset, angry....the list goes on.

He blamed me too from time to time. I believed it was my fault. I cleaned up his vomit.

Then I came here. I read everything I could lay my eyes on and soaked up knowledge about alcoholism and how family members should/could deal with it.

You talk about sticking by him, supporting him. Who supports you? Who sticks by you when you're sad and lonely? Who worries about your feelings? Him?

All he worried about is that you would leave him. But tell me, if you stick by him and carry on as you have been, what motivation does that give him to change?

Alcoholics need to hit their bottom before they get help. So do co-dependants. How many years will it take for you to hit your bottom and why do you seem so much more worried about him than yourself?

Keep posting, it really does help make sense of this mess in your own head. Even if you hear things that are hard to hear, hard to accept, things you disagree with, keep reading and posting.

*hugs*

Rmm - welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found us although very sorry for the reason. My best advice is to grab a cup of coffee and read the "stickies" at the top of this section. They were an invaluable help to me when I was trying to figure out what was going on with my A.

My A also did a really good job of convincing me I was insane. I could smell the alcohol, I could see the changes in him but he would still deny he was drinking. This went on for 2 1/2 years.

He actually went so far as to give me a speech one day about how he wasn't going to drink any more/didn't want it anymore. I was painting our upper hallway at the time which has a balcony overlooking the family room and sure enough, I happened to look over the balcony and catch him pouring vodka out of a bottle he had hidden in his briefcase right after his speech.

There is no end to what they will do in order to drink and no end to what they will do to hide it from you.

My gut instinct is that if he is drinking a bottle of whiskey a day he is drinking while at your mother in law's. Mine also drank about a bottle a day and I found out he would literally schedule his drinking between 11-2 each day while I was at work. He worked from his office at the house so he could do this.

Dealing with an A will eventually make you crazy. It took me a long time but I finally realized that for the sake of my own sanity I had to stop focusing on what he was or wasn't doing and work on getting myself healthy and happy again. SR helped enormously as well as Alanon. If you're uncomfortable going to meeting in your town could you try one in another town nearby?

Please take the time and steps you need to in order to take care of yourself and your children.

!
 

Hi there, :c009:

I'm still very new here and still learning about this stuff myself. But your situation is also very similar to mine.

My XABF was also very functional (with the exception of not getting to work on time) He was very good at holding his liquor most of the time and never seemed to have hangovers. He held a job, treated us well, and seemed to love me very much.

However, as time went on, I thought I was going crazy. His drinking bothered me so bad. At first, I tried to be the model girlfriend. I allowed him to drink whenever he wanted. I let him go out and didn't get onto him for drunk driving. But eventually, I tried everything I could think of to show him how much I hated it without directly telling him so. I would pout, cry, ignore, try to get him to have sex, EVERYTHING! Nothing worked! He still did what he wanted to do and pretended I wasn't acting this way.

I asked everyone I knew if they thought he was an alcoholic. I described the things that were happening and everyone told me they felt he was. In fact, they all told me I was blind for not doing something about it earlier.

But I can assure you that you are NOT going crazy. If it's effecting YOU, then there is a problem. Period! And eventually it will start to effect your kids as they get older. Thats something you don't want to happen.

I have found lots of support here. These people are amazing. Here is a hint though, just skip the ultimatums. Do what makes YOU happy. If that means leaving, then please leave. Ultimatums don't work. Trust me, I tried twice! Even when I finally left, he took it as an ultimatum and made me feel like I was STILL trying to "control" him after I left.

Your life sounds very much like mine did at one time. Years of continually second guessing myself, constantly deflecting blame and defending myself, trying to deal with a roller coaster of puzzling mood swings ... as my AH continually tried to blame me and everyone & everything else in the universe for his moodiness and assorted odd behaviors. One difference was that my AH almost never admitted to abusing alcohol .. so he came up with a whole series of baffling excuses ... and I wasted years trying to rationalize his strange and erratic behavior.

We were married many years before it became apparent something significant had changed in my AH ... but he worked very hard at denying it had anything to do with alcohol...making sure there was never any concrete evidence of alcohol abuse. In time, he could no longer hide his addiction as it progressed and our lives became increasingly miserable ... I just wish I had known the truths about alcoholism sooner.

Some of the things I learned in hindsight ...

- Active alcoholics do not think or behave is sane, rational ways. Addiction rules their lives and distorts their thought processes and reasoning. Long term abuse will start to physically damage almost every cell in their bodies including their minds.

- A hard reality was learning everyone and everything else came in second to alcohol during active addiction.

- Finally realizing I didn't cause his irrational behavior, the alcohol abuse did. I stopped letting his alcoholic manipulation destroy my self esteem and well being.

- Blaming others, especially a spouse ... is common addictive behavior ... they would blame a tree stump if they felt it would help deflect their problem elsewhere. Deep denial is a part of addiction's dynamic.

- I realized through further educating myself about addiction and its unique problems was critical to understanding what I was dealing with and finally to stop feeling guilty.... much easier now because of the internet. I learned I was actually dealing with a host of alcoholic behaviors common to nearly all alcoholics - not personality quirks that could be fixed with endless futile attempts to reason with the alcoholic.

- Once I started educating myself, I started to feel more confident in my decisions once I realized what I was actually dealing with ... I stopped taking what he said so seriously ... and started letting his alcoholic rhetoric roll off of me. I felt less anger and more pity knowing how dramatically alcohol had transformed my husband from the person I had married.

- I learned that standard counseling is usually worthless and potentially harmful if that person is in an active addiction ... only well trained addiction counselors should be involved.

- Separating from my AH and having him live elsewhere during his drinking and early sobriety was essential ... for both him and myself ... and especially for our children. I once pointed out to him since he had spent so many years hiding his drinking while living at home... his home had become a trigger for him. That had never occurred to him. Sometimes early recovery can be as disruptive as the actual drinking - something most people don't realize. If he is serious about recovery, his drinking will cease and his attitude will change ... but only time will tell. We both needed to take a step back, work on healing ourselves and protecting our kids from the hurt and insanity addiction brings into the home.

- Most important, I learned how overwhelming alcohol addiction is and that I was totally powerless to stop it. Again, this is something most people don't realize. How many times do we hear the phrase regarding an addict ... "why didn't somebody stop them?" Only someone who has never lived with an addict would say something so foolish ... chances are nearly every alcoholic has had someone try to stop them hundreds of times... until we realize we are powerless against their addiction. Only the alcoholic can make that decision to change ... and only when they decide they are ready. All we can do is protect ourselves so this addiction does not destroy anymore lives.

Wow enoughisenough, what an amazing and inspiring post! Just out of curiosity, did you and your AH get back together?

Luciddreamgrl ...

In regard to your question ...my AH eventually found sobriety for a few years ... and we were able to live happily together as a family during this time. Unfortunately, our story did not end happily ... he slowly and secretly relapsed once again.

The one bright spot in all of this is my children at least got to know their dad as the person he really was without the distortion of alcohol for a few short years - before alcoholism stole him away from us again.

That is a sad story indeed. But kudos to you for finding a bright spot in the situation. I hope to have the courage, faith and strength that you seem to have one day.

I am indebted to all of you for all the insight. Sadly, the support that I got from here yesterday all felt lost when my husband came home. He's gone a week without drinking and expects me to think that everything is resolved and expects that he is the only one with anxiety about whether this will last (his not drinking). So, when I tried to talk to him about all that I talked to you about and all your responses he got really pissed off, shut me out and pouted until I apologized and said I shouldn't be trying to make this about me right now.

Then, I went with him to an appt with the therapist he's been seeing whom he's apparantly convinced that I am the cause of all his woes. So, she likened my anger/frustration/disappointment toward him to what life was like for him as a kid with his alcoholic family and told me that I was equally responsible for his drinking problem.

I'm so frustrated and sad today and I feel like it is pointless to even try to hope things can get better between us. He is totally focussed on thinking that his drinking is a separate issue from the issues between he and I and much as I try he doesn't get that the reason for my frustration and bitchiness at times toward him IS precisely because of his drinking. He's gotten this counselor to "agree" with him that the issue is me not listening to him, not respecting him etc.... and he feels no need to accept responsibility for what his drinking and the behaviors it causes in him have done to us.

He thinks because his drink of choice is beer and he never gets falling down drunk (he told me yesterday he regularly was drinking 12-15 beers a night and not feeling at all hungover the next morning) that he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't think his behavior is affected by his drinking b/c his perspective on how drinking affects behavior is his father (who would beat the living daylights out of his mother) and so he figures that since he is a quiet, isolated, aloof drunk that that's not harmful.

I keep wanting to try and "convince" him of all of this and all that you all have said. I am scared to just sit back and wait for him to try and figure it out on his own b/c I don't know that he cares enough to change. Last night at the therapists office he said he was scared he'd lose me because he doesn't think that the problem between us is the drinking-- he thinks it's just his personality and way of looking at the world and he doesn't see that changing. His therapist (the one useful thing she said) told him that the way he sees the world/reacts is not set in stone and if he wants to change the way he thinks (which is paranoid, defensive, assuming the worst from everyone) he can. He looked skeptical and pissed off that someone was suggesting it was within his power to change. He likes to say that the way he is is how he is and it's not within his power to change the way he thinks and feels. In his mind he's completely justified never having to get to a point of being uncomfortable and trying to change b/c he truly believes it's impossible to do so.

Sorry for the rambling... I'm just frazzled more than ever today because what came out at the therapy appt made me terrified that he really doesn't have interest in changing right now.

One last thing-- I wonder if others have had this experience. With my husband, his drinking isn't as excessive as I am sure lots of alcoholics is, and I think in fact that what is worse than his drinking is the mindset he has, his view of the world, the way he reacts, what he expects from others (from me he expects no confrontation EVER, no expression of emotions, no questioning anything etc...). I worry that even if he continues not drinking, all these personality traits are going to remain and it's these things that are really harmful to he and I. Is it common with alcoholics (or people who abuse alcohol) for there to be personality traits like these? Does AA address this kind of thinking? Is there any hope that he'll be able (if he's willing) to change how he acts/reacts etc..? It's like living in an eggshell factory around here. I don't know what to say, when to say it, how to say it (he tells me my tone is disturbing even when I'm being sweet as pie if I say anything to him that he can constrew as criticism)...Do most people who have alcohol issues share these traits? (can't hear criticism, expect others to never express anger/frustration/sadness, etc....)