Hey BS08 and Queenie we are all in very similar situations -and as I said on a post the other day, just to see my ex's number flash up on my phone would be enough for me. I haven't heard from mine since mid-June - the 19th to be exact - apart from one threatening message. I do have weak days where I'm pining but all I do now is thank some HP I did have three years which I genuinely enjoyed with him and where he did largely make me happy but no longer have to deal with the alcoholism. The thing that bugs me is if he is with his new woman and suddenly sorts himself out - that he used to drink every single day without fail while with me, but that he'll see the light with this woman. If it's some small consolation both your post and Queenie's helped me immensely - although I'd never wish this pain on anyone it's good when we know someone else out there knows exactly what we're going through. I went to an AA meeting on Friday and was talking to an RA afterwards and he said he always looked for girls with their own house and car. Maybe that's why this woman had the advantage over me - he couldn't stand being on his own but largely because of his addiction I got into debt and had to move in with my parents, who didn't like him. So in essence I invested so much financially at the start, and lost him as a result. I like to stay positive and think things happen for a reason. Although I still love him I do know things worked out for the best between us. I do think though mine will be back in touch when he is homeless - again!

yes, here
 

I can only speak from my experience: yes, my former husband feels regret, lots of it. He apologized to me (five minutes after the divorce papers were signed, but hey, better late than never) and I accepted his apologies.

But it seemed to me that my husband's alcoholism related behaviors were sort of peripherally about drinking, and all about avoiding shame. I could have dealt with it if he just drank, he was never violent, abusive, or a drunk driver. But he had, and has, a terrifically difficult time being honest-- and said, verbatim, "Maggie, I have a hard time telling you the truth." And I couldn't live with that.

Fast forward to the present: nothing has changed. Intellectually I understand that today it would be too painful for me to have an honest conversation with me, because that would involve facing some bad behavior on his part-- it's easier to ignore me. Which he does. His current girlfriend/caretaker has apologized to me regarding his inability to communicate with me since I acquired a boyfriend. And he has admitted to me that his problems accepting my involvement with someone else-- although he refused to reconcile back when. (That would have involved admitting to a whole lot of folks that he was not quite as single as he had portrayed himself as being. He couldn't hide it from his new girlfriend anymore, but tell the truth to their friends? Not a chance. It was less humiliating to get a divorce and keep it quiet.)

So, as far as I can tell, the part of his self that is supposed to recognize bad behavior or decisions and stop him from proceeding, doesn't work. And he's sorry, and he recognizes the damage it causes, but he can't fix it, either.

I don't really wish him ill. Even if I did, I wouldn't need to; he arranges to screw up his life without any outside assistance (anyone care to guess how well his new relationship, the one he sacrificed his marriage for, is going?). I still love him very much. But I am relieved not to be affected by his wildly self destructive actions anymore either. I listen to my daughter talk about the ongoing conflict in his and his girlfriend's house and I feel nothing but gratitude that it's NOT ME there... and that my SO is compulsively honest... and won't drink more than a glass of wine.

We all deserve better than that. It's ok to love someone and still remove yourself, whether physically or emotionally or however.

--BG

Confused and wanting clarity
 

Whilst I understand that moving forward is a blessing in disguise and that I am out of a potentially bad situation earlier on. I find myself wanting answers.

I was only with this guy for 3 months but we were friends prior and I only knew him during his active recovery. He relapsed 5 days ago, and I was not planning to stick around if we wasn't able to stop drinking again. Nonetheless, the first time I saw him drunk, he was overly emotional to me, speaking on the lines of love and how he would never hurt me etc. I didn't want to enable his drinking over the weekend, but was there to support him, as it seemed as though I was the only one there for him and he wasn't drinking in my presence. Everything has been going great with us and was feeling increasingly closer to him. And then suddenly I receive a drunken phone call today, stating that he would never like me the way I liked him.

My ego feels crushed that in this time and place where I feel like I am going places with my life, and he is without a job and passed out on the streets drunk, that it was him who ended it with me. I find myself wanting answers, did he never actually care? Or is his disease taking over and the sober him really did care, but was afraid to do so?

Hi, teacup,

Welcome! This is a very old thread (from 2009), so you might get more helpful responses if you start a new thread and introduce yourself.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's very hard to see someone we care about ruining their lives. I'm sure he DID care, as much as he could. Alcoholics are very messed-up in their thinking, and as long as they continue to drink, they aren't reliable partners (or friends).

Alcoholics drink to avoid negative feelings, so I doubt he thought about it much. Perhaps if he gets sober he'll feel something.

teacup - you gotta ask yourself why you "care" so much you were only involved with for three short little months. with someone who in your own words is an unemployed, passed out in the street drunk.

THAT is the real question.