can anyone tell me WHY????
 

my 41 year old son is an alcoholic. he just finished yet another stint at a rehab center. he went 8 months without a drop to drink. he left the rehab center and within 2 days he started drinking. this has been about his 4th try at a rehab center and each and every time this happens. in fact, this last time he made the comment that if it doesn't work, this is his last try - he won't do it anymore. well.....the sobriety has come and gone in a flash.

is there any sense to this horrible disease at all?

if anyone reads this that is a recovering alcoholic, please try to explain WHY the alcoholic is happier in the gutter than sober? why are they happier with nothing than with everything? why don't they continue to at least try?

there are probably no answers to these questions, but i continue to ask anyway.

i have realized i cannot help him at all - HE has to help himself. i just don't understand why, after 8 months, it's just easier to drink than to continue working toward sobriety.

thanks, lucy

Hi Lucy

My ex girlfriends brother has been to rehab several times, he is now 46! Comes out last time straight back on the booze, but continues to see one of the counselor's from the rehab centre one on one, a session a week. Long story short he just suddenly stopped drinking and gambling and continues to go to the counselor for weekly counselling. His family is happy but at the same time a little pissed off to be honest, all that support and time and visits to rehab and he just sudenly stops?! I think something just clicked for him, now he is back at work and is a lot better after 8 months sober in the real world.

It was easy, for him, in rehab to stay sober 6 months as they don't let you leave and they don't sell booze there! I guess if you don't work the programme properly you come out and go staright back to the bar! What we can't determine though, in the case of my exgf brother, is whether rehab might have actually saved his life as the time he spent in there was time not drinking and he was an extreme alcoholic, maybe if he hadn't done the 6 month stints he would be 6 ft under?

Hope your son finds some peace and a solution for him soon! You are right though, you can't help him and in answer to your question about why, after 8 months, it's easier to drink than working towards continued sobriety is in your question i'm afraid...it's just the easy option!

Take care

Cliff

Hi lucy, I don't think I've ever met what I would describe as a happy, active alcoholic. I know _alot_ of extremely happy people who are in recovery. What I've learned in Al-Anon is to practice some compassion for those who suffer. From what I've observed and read, there is no sense to this disease but there are patterns, facts and tons of statistics that show me it's something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. The same goes for the friends and families too- but once I learned about what I can do to make my own life better, I find some relief and alot of hope.

Rehab may not be the best way for him to stop drinking. It might be weird to hear or understand but people are different. He may be better off seeing some type or therapist or trying other methods to quit drinking on his own.

It also stems from the very simple fact that you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. If he's giving up that's going to be hard to understand. I know people who have done 10 20 even 30 stints in rehab programs. Some give up some never do and thankfully some get better.

I'm sorry for your pain. I drank alcoholically for over 25 years starting when I was 14. I only went to one rehab when I was 21 and then drank within 3 months of getting out. At that point, I really didn't think I had a problem. I excused and justified myself and made no effort to examine my drinking. I drank until I was 39. The last 5 years were pretty bad with the last year being horrific.

I now have a little over a year of sobriety. As it pertains to me and my own life, alcoholism is both a disease and a medication. From the first time I began to drink, I knew that alcohol was for me. It gave me peace and comfort and calm and a sense of wellbeing that I'd never had before. I drank to avoid all the pain and misery of my childhood. I drank to avoid facing the reality of being raped as a young woman. I drank to avoid a whole lot of pain.

But all that drinking was also activating a disease in me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. The more pain I tried to avoid, the more pain I created. When I finally did try to quit, I found that I really REALLY couldn't. Nothing I did helped. No promises. No tricks. No attempting to control.

Rehab and AA did finally help me when I was 39. Now, I still sometimes feel like flinging it all away and drinking again. Even after all the hell i put my loved ones through and all the pain I have caused myself. When I feel that, I have tools that I use to help me. I have an AA sponsor, other sober friends to call, ways to think about things, lists that help me prioritize. I'm even sponsoring someone else now.

But... but... but.... I still feel like drinking. Sometimes, I feel like throwing it ALL away and, knowing that I am basically committing suicide, picking up the bottle again. Mostly that is in response to feelings of despair, self-loathing, helplessness. Mostly, it is when I hate myself.

So, when you ask why does it appear easier to keep drinking, my mind immediately thinks "self hatred." When you deeply hate yourself, it is easier to drink and numb-out than it is to face all of the pain and misery and shame that is behind the self-hatred.

I fight self-hatred daily. If I don't, I will drink again. But it's a constant vigil.

may you all find the peace you need
 

god bless you mle-sober. may god give you the strength to continue this difficult path, and may god give my son the strength and will to one day, try to follow you.

lucy

My son was in and out for over ten years. Of all those false starts, how was I to know when he would hit bottom? I do know that his brief periods of sobriety- lasting from two months to up to eight months long, were helpful and gave him some confidence. I think he learned a great deal about himself through his relapses and by watching the same thing happening to his friends and all the other people he knew from 'the rooms' and the various facilities he stayed at.

The director at his halfway house told me that my son reminded him of himself- because it took him....eleven....times of trying before he finally had enough. This director has many, many years clean. I was surprised to hear that he had struggled so, and his story gave me alot of hope for my son to make it out of that lifestyle.

From one mom to another, I wish you and your son the best.

Because the truth is more painful than the "alcoholism." Alcohol is the symptom not the problem. It becomes easier to live with the alcohol than it is to look at the cause, the truth. What is the pain? What is the actual pain that causes the "alcoholism?" For some people, it is easier to live with the alcohol than it is to work through the truth.

have you ever read the "big book" of AA? it's an incredible book and might help you understand a lot. you can get it on amazon. just type in "alcoholics anonymous."

i've tried to think of what might be torturing him so that will not allow him to release the urge to drink and not feel the need to cover up his sadness or anger with alcohol. i've gone thru my mind so many times, thinking back about his growing up and i can't see what could have done this to him. however, i may never know what did this, unless one day he comes right out and actually tells me. perhaps happiness to me, is torture to him, who knows. i love him with all my heart and i pray for him every day and night but i've come to realize that is all i can do for him anymore. i'm done taking his actions personally and done hurting and feeling sorry for myself. i have truly been there for him each and every time he has "recovered", and then-some. there is nothing more i can do but hope and pray that one day lightning will strike him and he will wake up and find joy in whatever time he has left on this earth. it's so hard to let go of your own flesh and blood, but for my own sanity, i must.

lucy

The medical director at the rehab I was at described it as... "A big gaping hole in the soul through which the cold north winds blows..."

The solution is to turn to God, or a higher power, to fill that awful hole.

It is a spiritual journey.

BTW, stop blaming yourself. My mother and I are somewhat estranged. It would be easy for me to blame my addictions on her... she first passed me a joint when I was 12 yo. Alcohol, parties, etc... But I don't blame her, in fact I will need to make amends to her when I am ready. She didn't cause my disease. She can't cure it.

I am 6 months Clean and Sober. 51 years old.

dear cubile, i will hold you in my prayers and pray you continue on your new journey through life. even not being an alcoholic, life is difficult, i can only imagine the trials and tribulations you face.

my son must be a "tortured soul". a mother wants to fix their kid's problems, but this one i can't fix. i would love an apology from him for all the pain he's caused me - he's caused me heartache pain and $$$ pain. until he realizes the mistakes he's made, the pain he's caused, the lies he's told, there will be no apologies to anyone - not even himself. he has 2 beautiful children who need an apology from him as well. none of us may ever get that apology, and that, too, breaks my heart because without his feeling he needs to apologize, there is no recovery.

all i can do is pray for his safety and continue to hope he one day realizes the happiness that could be his.

god bless you, lucy

yea, that.

Mark

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out 'why' my oldest addicted daughter does the things she does. I put the blame upon myself for a long time. Neither served a purpose other than to make me miserable and to cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit.

It is what it is. She makes the choices that she does, and they no longer determine the quality of my life or my emotional state.

She's grown up around the rooms of recovery since the age of 8 when I got clean/sober the first time around, so it is her choice to continue on the path she is on.

Today my life is full and reasonably happy. I don't lament the choices she makes. I have faith that God has a plan for her, and I stay out his way.

Today I keep the focus on me, and where I want to go with my life. :)

lucybooz,

without your realizing there is no need for an apology from him, there will be no recovery for you.

regardless of his path, you can choose to forgive him, with or without an apology.

my entire life with him, as an alcoholic, has been forgiving. i will always forgive him, even as angry as i get watching him destroy all that could be his. and i will never stop loving him and hoping that one day things might be different.

thank you so much for all of you who replied to my post. it helps the heart to just talk about this.

freedom 1999 - my son uses that phrase so often....."it is what it is", and that is so very true - in more ways than one.

love, lucy

Pain shared is pain lessened. :ghug :ghug

hi lucybooz

when i asked a friend how it was killing me not to understand why my ex boyfriend preferred drinking over losing me and what we had, she said that i should be thankful, because if i understood him, it would mean i am an addict too. and thank God, I am not.

i agree this is when HP/God/you name it has helped me handle my despair.

i analyzed him for months. thinking if it was his mom's death that triggered his addiction. if his dad was an alcoholic himself, i do not know, when i met his dad and grand father they looked fairly ok to me. i do not know.

he is estranged from his sister and he hates his dad. he was always with his current partner, never home. her sister was always with the door closed in her room, with her boyfriend. perhaps he drinks because his sister also has the illness that killed his mom?

i recall he spent a complete night with her in the hospital and as he was tired i went buy some pizza for him. thats when we were friends. and addiction had not taken over yet. i can remember his suffering.

his house has this aura of sadness.

he has some burns on his arms, he used to burn himself with a cigarette.
he loves gothic and violent imagery and movies.

etc...etc...etc...

the only truth here is> I DO NOT KNOW if it was genes, if it started after his mom died, if there was a problem before that, if it got worse after the fact, he states he is an extremely happy person, now that he has an alcoholic girlfriend, money, and the ability to lose consciousness everyday and come to "work" as little as possible just to have more money for booze.

he said he would drink until his last day.
i can lose my life analyzing the why's, his behaviours, the hurt, etc.

or i can live MY LIFE, put him in the hands of HP, put all my feelings in His hands as well, and then trust HP will show me what i need to do, who i need to help, how to take care of MY wellbeing, and place that energy in my own life..

i believe it is VERY TOUGH to witness the ups and downs regarding this crazy disease, you may not know it but perhaps with the relapses he is learning, or at least he has tried before.. you will never know when something will "click" on him, it is hard but we need to let them go... we certainly cannot lose ourselves waiting for something that sadly may never come.

i wish you all the best. please take care of yourself and trust HP has a plan for each one of us. our loved ones are in his tender hands. only HP can take care of them now.

(((hugs)))

hi lucy
my ex "apologized" but there was no sincerity in his words. it was even worse than saying nothing.
but we can work to forgive them anyway.... all the best again!! you are in my thoughts.