If it walks like a duck...
 

I apologise in advance for the length... but just another day here in the cracker factory..

This evening I have been given a masterclass in alcoholic behaviours and quacking. Bear in mind this A is 2yrs (and nearly 6 months into recovery).

Cue his arrival home. I was having a bad moment. Nothing to do with him just feeling a little overwhelmed at the amount to do and the tight schedule I am on with moving my stuff out. I'd been in the attic and was sat on the floor when he got back having a little weep. I'm actually enjoying crying having bottled for so long. So he comes over to me hugs me and says what's wrong and I said nothing just having a moment and feeling a bit pee'd off with myself for not sorting my stuff out last year. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I said no.

Anyway he went into another room and sat down to watch t.v.

I gathered myself together after a little while and walked into the room he was in. I got the usual 'you ok' and I said, 'not really no' to which he replied he doesn't like to see me upset.

Now I'm not sure how the hell we got to this but then he is:

berating me for not having got my stuff sorted sooner (yep, I am psychic and know exactly when someone is going to say the relationship is over);

berating me for not reserving the correct size of storage unit for my stuff (errrrr that's my problem and not insurmountable);

berating me for wanting to move out as soon as possible;

berating me because the way our split is going is not as 'amicable' and 'friendly' as his friends divorce (they stayed in the same place for months don't you know and acted like adults AND they are still friends now);

berating me because he thinks he should take tomorrow off work and help me sort my stuff out for removal (even though he will be zero help because he has no idea what I would keep or throw away);

berating me because I said I had progressively been sad, withdrawn and with very low self esteem this last year (he even said to me 'have you ever suffered from depression and have you had any prolonged periods of absence from work before :wtf2 );

and the best one... saying I have never heard you call your brothers.. why.. why do you live in isolation.. (it doesn't occur to him that I may speak to my brothers, who live quite some distance from me, when he isn't around)... incidently he speaks to his sister who lives about 10/15 miles away once or twice a year at best..

Oh I could go on...

Then came the anger. Out of nowhere. His eyes went as black as coal and he said 'I..don't..want..to..talk..to..you'. I asked why he was so angry and after much blustering I left to go back up into the attic and he actually put on his coat got in his car and drove off.

I was up in the attic when he got back. He made himself some food and eventually I came down. I walked into the room and after a little while said 'do you want to tell me why you are so angry with me?'. Again he said 'I don't want to talk to you you just don't get it do you'.

Well.. I'm not proud of this but I very nearly told him EXACTLY what I thought of him. It's funny how, when you're not in a funk, you can see how things are and recognise someone stomping all over you trying to gain control.

Instead, I got my coat and bag and went out. As I was coming down the stairs he said... and omg I nearly laughed.. 'Where are you going you don't have to leave'.

My reply? 'Yes I do have to leave. I am going to call someone from my group and tell them exactly how I feel right now.. and that is around you I do not feel safe'.

Which I did. I had a nice long chat with someone from my group and felt much better. Some wise words and good advice.

On my return, the A had gone to bed (open door and watching a dvd). I advised him that I am not responsible for his anger, that if he is unable to articulate his feelings that is fine but it is unacceptable for him to take it out on me and that from here on in we can exchange pleasantries but I will not accept being verbally attacked. His response... I don't want to talk about it or to you, I want some time on my own to relax.

He is going to make it awfully easy for me to go no contact if he keeps this up. :)

Suunds like you handled it pretty well all things considered. {hugs}

Thank you for the hugs..

I'm quite proud of myself... :)

And I was actually laughing as I typed it. What a ridiculous state of affairs. As my Al-Anon fellow said 'you are detaching... so he is feeling fear upset etc. and has the inability to express it; he is trying to control how you leave; taking your inventory etc. etc. ... set your boundaries with him and then leave him to it'.

My eyes have been opened..

Sorry you're having to go through that, Tallulah, but I sense it might be toughening you up on a deeper level. No consolation, I know LOL but the quacking always served a purpose for me -- letting me see the ridiculous situation I was leaving. If he were rational, kind, and loving, would it be easy to leave?

You're doing great.

Hugs,
Gl

Wow tallulah you handled it well!
Its funny. They also share soul, don't they?
F. also said "No one would ever understand his lonely path".
I am glad you are realizing a lot about yourself.
You are on the right track :)

That's ok GL. It actually did me some good. No doubt he will take my walking out as 'dramatic' (as he does with most of what I do or say) but tbh I don't give a flying ffffff ish...

I have never seen it from this angle before. I've just always been confused by the behaviour. But he feels fear and loss of control. And instead of saying it (well apart from the odd slip of the mask) he is acting it out. What was it someone said on the forum.. 'he is shrinking in my eyes'..

Wow! What a night you've had already. I'm sorry you are unable to have a rational adult conversation with him even after all this time sober.

I read back through your recap of the argument to look for the subtext of things. He definitely doesn't want to see you upset. He probably got so bent out of shape because he knows your upset because of him. (Whether you are not doesn't matter when he's going to make it about him anyway)

I'm reading that when the argument is directed at you, he does just fine expressing all the venom he's got, but when the accusations start to come back around to him (even if it's only the accusations he has in his head) he says, "I don't want to talk to you."

To me, that's code for "I don't want this to be my fault." (put a drink in his hand and you're right back where you started)

When he walked out the door, the attention was on him.

When you walked out, you put the attention on you, and he was compelled to say that you didn't really have to leave.

You know what the quacking is now. You did what you needed to do address the quacking. Unfortunately, 2 yrs and 6 mos doesn't really change much for some people.

Part of his recovery, if he is actually working one, is to deal with healthier ways of communicating to you. If he is refusing to do that, then he's not really trying to change after all.

Again, I'm so sorry you're in this drama swamp. Please use the frustrated energy you have to push you to finish sorting your things and moving forward.

I'm rooting for you full force! Go tatullah, Go tatullah!

Alice

I have to admit to a moment there where I nearly went 'tawanda'.

Thank goodness one of my group picked up the phone to talk to. Otherwise I might not have been so 'articulate' ;)

Awww thanks.. I thought I'd share because, looking through the lens of Al-Anon, this grown man is looking pretty ridiculous.

Just imagine the Aflac duck in front of you quacking and quacking and quacking and
getting smaller and smaller and smaller

:lmao :lmao

Quite a night huh.. lol

I know he doesn't like to see me upset. The interesting thing about this situation is he is actually blaming me for this split. I said I was thinking of leaving.. 3 days later I got myself into Al-Anon.. my thinking of leaving was an attempt to change.. I'd hit rock bottom. After I went I talked to him and told him I wanted to work on it and he said we are not good for each other and we're split. Ok.. accept the things you cannot change.. didn't like it but accepted it. I think the only true moment of honesty I have seen from in the short time we have been over is when he burst into tears and said he didn't think he wanted me to leave. Or maybe that was manipulative. Damn these alcoholics are good.. lol

Spot on with the projection. And what I have noticed (now my eyes are open) is that he really likes to take my inventory to the point of demonisation. It doesn't matter if he has it all wrong or if there is an alternative he hasn't considered: you are bad, you are wrong, ergo you give me a reason to be an utter sh*t and reject you. And spot on with the discourse foreclosure. When he is quacking he is as communicative as a duck with verbal diahorrea, but when someone else is talking he shuts down.

Unfortunately for him, when he walked out of the door, I was in the attic so didn't even notice until I heard the door slam lol. His focus was ruined: which might have explained why he came back after about 10/15 minutes.

You are right about his recovery. He goes to meetings twice a week, he has a sponsor (who he sees sporadically but he does have one) and he talks the talk.. but is he working it.. I'm really not so sure.. the behaviours are still there to some extent and were in full effect tonight.

Awww thank you for your concern. I probably shouldn't but I'm actually seeing the ridiculous side of it... and I really was laughing as I typed the OP. Before I would be :wtf2 and confused.

:lmao:

He is smaller because he didn't apologise. I didn't go looking for one and I didn't expect one... but he didn't offer one.. says everything to me.

:lmao: :c011:

Apologizing?
That takes a specific type of people ...
I feel tallulah that you are walking on the bridge towards The Other Side, very sure of yourself
I am proud :) it feels great to get back your own power!!

LOL.. yeah, people who can recognise when they are wrong.

I didn't handle it perfectly. There were some things he said, quite cutting about me 'leaving stuff to the universe' and general disparaging stuff pointed at my recovery, which did floor me a little. But on the whole I do feel like there is a flicker of being able to handle this stuff in a way that is healthier for me. :)

OMG! That's perfect! I am going to start doing that to all sorts of people who dare to annoy me. :lmao

I know I've seen that on the Kids Down the Hall. That was a great show!

Talk to the hand!!

OR quack with your fellow ducks :) we beautiful swans, do not understand your language.

We are too elegant :)