Game over
 

My AH is convinced that I am "playing games", that I am avoiding being with him, in an intimate way. In the past, I have been evasive. I didn't want to make waves, so I would stay up late or stay "busy" when he was drinking until he passed out.....which often was as early as 7 or 8pm. Now that he is not drinking he has all of this nervous energy that he feels is my responsibility to alleviate. I found myself slipping into the same pattern of avoiding, only now I was staying up until midnight or later and he was getting progressively angrier. Saturday night he attemted to force himself on me, when I said no he said "Too bad, I WANT TO".

I told him today that I am no longer playing games, that I am not being intimate because I don't want to be with a man that will trample my heart and use bullying to get what he wants. How can I stay in a relationship with someone who would, in essence, rape his own wife? It's no longer even about the alcohol, and looking back I don't know that it ever was. It's about his inability to look at his own pain, and (in the past) my inability to deal with mine. Now that I'm wading through all of my stuff I just don't think I have the strength to carry it all for both of us. Please help me figure out how to give him back all of his baggage I've been toting around for 21 years.

what a ****er he is. there is no "in essence" about it.

Forgive me: I forget, what are your plans?

perhaps not very helpful, but I don't think you need to figure out how to give him back his baggage, just need to figure how to drop it on the floor and stop picking it up (to stretch the metaphor).

whether he picks it up and deals with it or not is his problem

this looks like a jolly good start to me.

My heart hurts for you, and I have no answer for you.

I simply could not live in a situation like that anymore.

I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt when I left the EXAH.

No one should have to live that way. :(

I have no plans. I recently started attending Alanon and individual counseling. That was a huge step for me after months, heck years, of doing nothing but being stuck. I do feel a sense of getting unstuck. Just a month ago I never would have spoke to him in a direct way about what MY needs are. What I'm now seeing is that he is not so fond of the "new me" and I fear he will get more aggressive in his attempts to control me and get back to the status quo. He is not currently drinking, but also not owning any of his behaviors (past or present). His solution is for me to let the past be the past, put on a smiley face, and be thrilled that he is doing everything I want (not drinking)....which isn't at all true because I USED to beg him to stop drinking, but now I really have no opinion about it one way or another.

So I guess I do have plans. I am going to keep working on me, keep myself and 4 kids safe, and continue being true to my own feelings.....not compromising to keep the peace. For those of you that have been through it did any of you find that your A became abusive at this point, or was it more that they were always that way? He has never been (physically) abusive, however my counselor tells me that I describe a very emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. What are the signs that it could escalate?

Coming from an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage, I didn't see the signs of escalation until it was too late, so you've got a leg up on the situation!

The signs are the increased anger, the physical contact, the threats. You may not feel like you are in any immediate danger, but I worry that you are. Have you seen your counselor since this incident?

I think him SPECIFICALLY SAYING that your desire/feelings didn't matter because he wanted sex - that's an escalation from the previous pouting, complaining.
What's the next step up from that? I don't know. I'm afraid it will be following through on the threatening talk - actually raping you.

I think all the signs are right in front of you right now.

He is verbally abusive.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is threatening sexual abuse.

That's him. Right now. Those are your signs.

What are you going to do with this knowledge?

I see her on Wednesday. I don't feel like I am in immediate danger, but I also know my compass isn't working correctly. My counselor is working with me on identifying that little "radar" that goes off and trusting it. I feel that something has changed, and isn't quite right. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine him hurting me or the kids, but I also never thought he would say anything like he did. I know that he doesn't like not being in control of things. I am recognizing that his method of control was very underhanded and manipulative. It is becoming apparent that he doesn't like my boundaries.

Thank you for being so direct.....that is EXACTLY what I need. Thankfully I am seeing a counselor who is as direct and will hold me accountable for what I need to do. She is experienced with working with addictions and codependency. I think we need to seperate, and just typing that makes me feel physically ill. I want the man I married back. I feel like a toddler, laying on the floor kicking and screaming and having a full-on tantrum.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Just because he isn't currently drinking does NOT mean the mental part of this disease isn't progressing.

His rage is building up. His frustrating is increasing. He isn't using the alcohol to temporarily medicate that. He's a walking time bomb.

Based on his need to control, I would be very afraid of escalation, and of that happening very soon.

Having been on the receiving end of fists for 5 long years, I can tell you I am lucky to be alive.

Please protect yourself and those precious children.

Hi blessed,
It sounds like you are making some progress, by attending Al-Anon and counseling sessions- yet I am concerned for you.

In case you haven't already seen them, there are some excellent sticky threads about abuse and about what to expect in that situation. There are also some threads with tips on leaving the relationship that will give you a very good idea of what to expect and how to prepare and stay safe.

My wish for you is to find a way to have the security and serenity that you deserve. A call in advance to a domestic abuse agency or women's shelter, just in case- could be invaluable right now. They will answer any and all of your questions and help you find what your options are.

I know that feeling well.

Where you are - sucks.
Where you'll be, free from physical proximity to this man's temper tantrums and threats - it's a much nicer place than you're probably giving it credit for.

Change is scary, but I got to a place where NOT-changing was even scarier. When living my life the same way - afraid and isolated and without hope or intimacy or love from my partner - was petrifying.

You can't make him be who he was.
Can you live with him as he is?

don't let any other chatter in your head or from outside minimise the voice that is telling you this.

Keep safe.

(((Blessed))) :ghug3

I would also not want my kiddos seeing me accept what is NOT acceptable behavior in any areas that TC mentioned, and I'm sure you don't.

The healthier you get the more baggage you will give back to him, the baggage that is HIS to carry.
As always, take care of you!

First, your title to this post is already an indication that that little gut voice inside you knows it has ALREADY escalated. Your title says "game over" but you go on to describe a lukewarm response to threat in reality. Listen to your subconscious warning you in your own words.

Second, now that you have discreet evidence of escalation, you need a plan. The above quote is not a PLAN, it's a CONCEPT.
A PLAN would be a set of clothes for all hidden in a safe place, a stash of money, and a friend/shelter on call with temporary housing availability, in case you need to mobilize FIVE people at 3AM. Abusive and controlling people have a second instinct to pull the control in the most inconvenient times, so you are unlikely or ashamed to reach out for help in your critical minutes of need. It's exactly in those critical minutes that you would need to mobilize. If you're confused in those minutes, without a PLAN, you may be stuck and not be able to save yourself from damage.

And on the other side, a plan is FREE, SECRET, and takes little time to prepare (except for the money stash). There is basically no downside to having a PLAN. Just keep it to yourself, so the PLAN doesn't become a trigger, or ammunition, for a controller.

CLMI

I find the escalation of violence and your acceptance of it rather frightening. In plain words, your husband tried to rape you! And you are dismissing this as nothing important! Please. Do not accept that rape is something that can be tolerated. It cannot. Protect yourself and your children.

hi blessed, i am worried too... which are your options?
you dont need to walk..you need to RUN!
if you wonder if "it will escalate" that is a major red flag... there shouldnt be an "it" in the first place...
i am worried, i hope you seek help and take the best decision FOR YOU and YOUR KIDS!! please think about them too

You all are 100% correct. I have spoken with a friend, who has no children at home and has been in an abusive relationship in the past and healed beautifully. She has agreed to let me leave some personal items (clothes, toothbrushes, etc. for all of us) at her house and she will be available by phone 24 hours a day. I have asked her if we could come over in the middle of the night if needed and she said she would be waiting with open arms. I pray that doesn't happen.

I am trying so hard to quiet the voices in my head of my family and friends who still believe "he's such a great guy".

(((((Blessed)))))

I have read the WHOLE thread. You have been given some great advice and I hope you use it to the MAX.

Now I am going to give you some more. I have done a lot of 'volunteer work' at Domestic Violence shelters over my years in recovery and from those experiences I say the following:

You are in GREAT DANGER. You are dealing with a DRY ANGRY DRUNK. He has done nothing but stop drinking and now his ANGER is really going to come out. What you described happening the other night is SPOUSAL RAPE. That my dear is AGAINST THE LAW.

It will escalate of this I am positive.

I doubt he will ever become the man you 'thought he was' or 'he pretended to be.'

Please, for you and your kids, take those items you will need to the friends house NOW, and that includes important papers you may need ie insurance papers, birth certificates, account numbers, etc Keep your keys on you at all times and keep your cell phone on you at all times he is home for a quick 911 call.

I am serious! This is NOT a good environment for you or the children.

I have added you and your children to my prayers.

Love and hugs,