Can I live with the alcholic?
 

I'm glad I've found this site, it helps to hear other stories, makes me realize I'm not as alone as I thought.

I'm married to an alcoholic, long story, but I wonder if there is anyway to remain married, accepting his problem, but somehow become healthy again myself in order to function happily in life. Vodka controls how my day turns out, and I don't even drink it! My job is tied into my marriage (husband/wife management team) so leaving the marriage means leaving my job and I'm not quite ready for that yet. But I'm losing my mind, my self esteem, I allow him to lie to me and I don't even have the energy to fuss about it anymore. I'm at a point where I don't even feel commitment towards this marriage. I've spent many years with him, both sober and not sober, and I'm at my wits end.

Why would he put water in a vodka bottle - knowing that I know he drinks it - and then lie about it as if I'm stupid and don't know the difference? It's one of many sneaky things he "tries" to do, but I've been married to him long enough, and been down this road before (divorced him once already - yes I was stupid and married him again - he managed to stay sober 8 years) and I recognize that I'm losing myself in his addiction.

Didn't mean to write so long, it's easy to pour out your heart here isn't?

Welcome Keepwishing, I'm glad you found this special place. To answer your question, I know there are people on this board who are living the life you asked about. So for them it is possible.

Have you tried Alanon? I have and it has really saved my sanity as well as taught me about new ways to live. Individual counseling with a counselor specializing in addictions has also helped me. I also read.

Your husband lies to you because that is what addicts do. There are some great stickies at the top of the forums that are well worth reading, one of which talks about what addicts do.

Please keep posting as much as you like.

Doesn't work
 

"I'm married to an alcoholic, long story, but I wonder if there is anyway to remain married, accepting his problem, but somehow become healthy again myself in order to function happily in life."

Once you take steps to become healthy again, you are going to realize that active alcoholism, or even a dry drunk, does not go hand-in-hand with functioning happily in life.

Been there, done that, I tried for over two years.

Al-Anon meetings and learning every single thing I could about alcoholism helped me to remain functioning inside of relationships with active alcoholics. I became a Learning Machine, learning everything I could about alcoholism's effects on both the active drinker and his/her loved ones.

Educating myself thoroughly about the disorder helped me to stay saner, though it was never entirely sane, and to make wise choices when it became clear I wanted to make a change. For the moment, you may find it helps you to set boundaries in your own life in order to carve out a little place of serenity for yourself.

But (and you knew there was a but) I eventually found that I tired of being with someone whom I did not trust, could not confide in, gave me no strength and very little comfort. In my case, I also worked with my ex, but one day I woke up and realized that, while I liked my work just fine, I didn't wake up every day crazy to go to work....and I wanted to love it more.

I found I could actually make more money and find greater joy in my days by going off on my own, in a similar profession but more focused on my own passions, and without the "anchor" of an active alcoholic dragging behind me, always stressed out wondering whether his drinking was going to interfere in our work. When it began to, I left our partnership so that his actions couldn't tarnish my chances for economic freedom (among other reasons!!)

Now I am successful and happy and peaceful, and he is still drinking somewhere and barely getting by.

You may find the same some day. But for now, you may be able to stay saner!

Welcome - so glad you're here with us.

One of the great things about Al Anon is they don't tell you to stay with the alcoholic or leave the alcoholic - they just accept us as we are and love us.

In their preamble it says something like 'living with an alcoholic, without spiritual help for ourselves, is too much for many of us.'

Hope you check them out.

They certainly helped me and Al Anon continues to be part of my life. Dunno what I do without them....
Well that's a lie because I do know what I would do! And it's never good for me! Lol.

:Val004:

It's called denial.

Thank you so much to all who replied. I suppose I already knew the answer somewhere deep down, it's helped soooo much to hear from others who understand. I hate it with everything in me. We've just moved to the area, I met with an attorney who says I have to have 6 mos residency b4 I can file for divorce, I have about 2 months left to go, and I intend to use those 2 months to plan my escape :) I've waited for the kids to graduate high school, they are now both in the military, and now it's time to find some happiness, there's no one to take care of now except ME. I want so much to be happy and I wish it could be with him.

Wow, the "anchor" dragging behind me at my job is an absolute exact description of every day, and the fear of him jeopardizing (I've already had to send him home due to his drinking - how ridiculous does that sound????)

Gotta go, he's waking up....

Wishing for you a life of freedom and happiness, keepwishing!

:ghug

He's passed back out, just changed spots, so I'm back free to enjoy my "quiet" time. Can I make a confession that will tell just how messed up I am? He has wonderful qualities, I don't always want to be with him, but I don't want anyone else to have him. Is that insane or what? I feel like I should be happy to pawn him off on someone else. Alanon sounds like somewhere I need to be, but it makes me so angry that I have to be the one to "get help" when he's the one with the problem! My doctor prescribed anti depressants because I've been so upset, and that makes me mad - why should I be the one taking medication??? I also feel like I'm always contradicting myself, bouncing back and forth. It consumes my thoughts, and he wanders around noncholantly, he's one to not address any issues (because that would mean he'd have to actually be accountable, God forbid). I recognize our cycle clearly, he's good for a couple of days after I get mad at him, then when he feels like I'm not mad anymore he picks back up where he left off, then I get mad, he quits (well, probably doesn't quit, just gets more careful and sneaky right?) and is sweet til I calm down....and round and round we've gone....I'm getting mad just thinking about it!!

Then I go back to telling myself it will get better. Total denial on my part as well as his I suppose.

Thanks again to all who listen, I feel like I have friends now.

Me again, hope I'm not bugging you all. Can I tell you what I've become? I look in the dumpster for vodka bottles to prove to him that I know...I search the whole house for the hidden bottle (found many several times), I search the mini van (found them there too). While he's passed out, I sneak into his wallet and check receipts. When he leaves the house, the check the online banking to try to follow his every move and what he's spending money on.

I know for a fact that I'm obsessed with it, and he doesn't give it nearly as much thought as me. Glad no one knows who I am, how embarrasing, but so nice to get it off my chest. I'd die if anyone I knew found out how far I've fallen, it just occured to me, I'm just as sneaky as he is, oh gracious, what's happpened to meeeeeeee????

Now I'm paranoid he'll somehow break into this site and read my postings. So I'll add paranoia and suspicion to my list of traits I've picked up through all this.

One of the best things I got out of this forum was that I am not the only one who would do crazy things like cleaning up his mess after a binge (like urine on the carpet/in the bed), going outside to check if he maybe passed out on his way home because the bar had long closed, convincing a cop to please not arrest him for being rude to the paramedics that a neighbor called because he was passed out in front of my door, etc. etc.

It's also great to realize that there is recovery for us, too! You are in good company here when it comes to the question "what has happened to me," and also in the great company of people who can say today that what happened to them was not irreversible. :ghug3

Oh, and I was also worried that he would find me here because this page was open on my computer when he sat down to use it and he might have even seen my nickname. I asked him to please not look for me and he said he won't. I do believe that he wouldn't, but then I thought that even if, perhaps it would be a good thing.

Keep wishing, when I started looking thru the garbage, I knew I was done. I was so obsessed with proving to myself that he was a liar and I wasn't crazy. That was one of my last steps before I left. I'd sneek outside and go to the garage and sneek behind it and dig in. He always hid the bottles at the bottom so I had to really dig. Gross! I never confronted him with my findings, untill I left. It was like I collecting evidence at a crime scene. it will drive you crazy if you let it. Hugs to you.

Yep - I was a garbage digger, too. Mine was a beer drinker, and a recycler. After I was no longer able to keep track of how many beers disappeared each day from the stash -- (because the stash was now hidden and he claimed he wasn't drinking) I was desparate to prove what my gut was telling me. So, I layed a piece of transparent plastic wrap over the recycling so I could see how many beer cans went in there every day. When I proved I was right I then was on a mission to find his stash. I spent many evening outside wandering in the yard "pulling weeds" sneaking into his garage and searching. At times I would check the window and there he would be "spying" on me to see what I was doing. I eventually found the stash, too.

It sounds crazy, and it WAS crazy. But, I needed to have proof. I couldn't get myself out of MY denial until I had it. It was what I needed to know before I could admit that alcohol had complete control over him (and control over me, too). Then I could make the decision to move on 100% sure I was doing the right thing.

Those are common feeling many of us had when we first started dealing with the realities of our lives.

For me one of my first steps to a healthier me was recognizing that I was indeed the one with the problem because I chose to live with an active alcoholic, I chose to enable him, I chose to put my one and only life on hold waiting for now xAH to be the man I wanted him to be. I was just as sick as he was!

I started taking care of myself. I started looking into the "whys" behind my choices. I started changing those things I didn't like about my behaviors and thinking that I didn't like. I ended up becoming a much better person and ever so much happier with my life. You can too.

I cannot add to the advice you have here, bit please tell me what this means. I am insanely curious.

I know that in many states (mine included) you have to be a legal resident of the state for a minimum of 6 months in order to file for divorce.
You can't just move to Oklahoma and get a divorce right away. I'm not sure why this is, just that it is.

-TC

I am where you are, but no, I don't think it is possible to remain married to an alcoholic and function happily in life. Despite all of my attempts at "detachment" and telling myself that I don't care and that it does not matter, his drinking still controls me and makes me feel on the verge of insanity.

I know my marriage is over, and am really past that part, but we're still living together in order to pay off bills so that I can eventually buy him out of the house. My shrink tells me that I just need to walk away from the house and just start over. I'm not there yet. I know that is the wisest decision, but losing my house would just be another kick in the teeth that I'm not ready to deal with yet. I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment, because there really is no need for me to bothered with what he does at any given time, but it still bothers me and it will probably always bother me until I am fully, physically, away from him.

hmbld, I feel for you, for me to leave him also means losing my job and also my home, which is part of our salary (we are husband/wife team property managers). Hired as a team, so no option of keeping my job/home if I leave him.

dgillz, I need 6 mos residency in the state that I live in b4 I can file for divorce, we just moved here.

It struck me the other day, I'm in a new town but it's the same old story...

Take care and be strong :)

He has wonderful qualities, I don't always want to be with him, but I don't want anyone else to have him.

I think that was part of what took me so long to leave XABF. Plain and simple, many addicts really do have wonderful qualities which shine through when they are not partaking of their "substance of choice". We know they can be good people so we tell ourselves that the wait until they sober up is worth it for us. However, I found the sober "window of opportunity" started shrinking away to almost nothing more than a couple of hours in the morning. I had to take a stern look at my life and discover that I was going to live it on my terms. The more I realized that XABF could not be a part of it, the easier it became to let go of him. Yes, the enabler does become possessive. It is part of our co-dependency. Have you read Melody Beattie's Co-dependant No More?

I look in the dumpster for vodka bottles to prove to him that I know

At the end with XABF I looked for the bottles to prove to ME that he really was drinking himself into an early grave. And I thought about how that would impact MY life. And when I mentioned it, he, of course, rationalized it.

And these memories linger on. I've just ended a new relationship with a man I suspect is an A. It was the drink counting which alerted me. We weren't together long enough for me to start the bottle counting....lol.

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting and keep posting here. We'll help you.

ARL