Yes, but why would you want to? Certainly your employer has dealt with situations where a husband and wife management team is no longer a team. Have you thought about approaching your employer with your concerns?

I always get sad when I read about someone who wants to try and find a way to live 'happily' with an active alcoholic.

I know that was never going to be the case for me.

Material things were just that, material things. Those are disposable.

What is not disposable anymore in my life is my soul, my mental health, and my physical health, and not necessarily in that order. They are all important to me.

Who would have thought that this old gal at age 50 would be in college full-time and finally working on being completely self-sufficient financially?

Who would have thought that this old gal at age 50 would be perfectly content sans a man in her life at all, let alone an active alcoholic man, and with a reasonable amount of happiness?

Personally I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It's a big beautiful world out there. :)

Another "old gal" here - 51 - and truthfully, I don't feel nearly as old today as I did married to an active alcoholic and living in a home filled with sadness, tension, and the sickness it brought to everyone in the home.

Today, I feel prettier, healthier, and definitely YOUNGER :)

Oh good to know I was not the only one feeling ancient...

You said you were afraid of him being with someone else, your own sentence would apply:

It struck me the other day, I'm in a new town but it's the same old story...

He would be with someone else but living the same old story. And probably worse, because Life is Tough and does not like it when you do not learn your lesson.

I wish all the best to you, know you are not alone and that by realizing your own behaviors you are taking a very important step !! I am very proud.

You guys LOOKED in the garbage? Hell, I bought black garbage bags so no one else would see how many beer bottles were in there! My guy didn't hide it from me, WE hid it from the private investigator his ex wife hired to prove he was breaking his parole!! I have to giggle at my enabling old self sometimes!!

Hi Friends,

I went to my 1st Alanon meeting last night. It was cool. I expected a bunch of depressed people, and met a group of people who were overcomers, strong and determined, friendly and light hearted and very happy to welcome me. I left feeling so uplifted. Between SR and Alanon I'm feeling like I'm learning so much and don't feel so alone anymore.

Thanks to all who recommended Alanon, you know I was feeling mad like "why should I have to be the one going to a support group - he's the one with problem"! But I made myself get in the car and go, gonna give it one chance. Well, Monday nights that's where I'll be from now on!!

AH told me tonight he's gonna stop drinking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm proud of myself, I didn't sneer at him, I didn't say "yeh right", I didn't say anything at all snotty, I just let it go. Not going to go round and round with the same old fight, not gonna let him push my buttons. If he does, good, if he doesn't, so be it. I'm determined to stop being controlling, manipulative, mean and snotty. I'm determined.

I've been doing some serious soul searching lately, reading what everyone has written, taken what I need and putting it to good use!

:c011:

God, me too. My AH didn't hide it, but I tried to keep a tally. Oh and I would count drinks during dinner knowing that 3 or less-night ok. More, I would end up crying and alone or being told that I am a controlling _____. He is just starting in recovery and I am hoping it will stick. If not, I know I will be ok. I have a lawyer's number handy and have finally informed my parents of the situation and know I have a support system.

Another question, my AH would become irate when he found out I was talking about the situation to friends and family (his). Is this common and is it ok to talk to my friends and fam?

I'm right there with ya Keepwishing. The biggest thing I've gotten out of the alanon meetings I've been to is hope....these people are just like me, but look at how much happier they are, how much more serenity they have in their hearts! I can be like that too!

I'll be going to my third Alanon meeting tonight and can't wait!

:e052:

Another trash digger here. And a bottle/can/glass counter too. Pathetic. That is WHAT that is. And not only was I searching for drink counts I've been known to tear the house apart looking for a crack pipe. And I found it too by gosh!

That is when I knew...I knew that it would NEVER work. Makes me sick now to think about how low I went to prove to him that I knew what he was doing. And he STILL DENIED IT.

I know that I could never live with an alcoholic again. I'm too old to babysit my significant other. I've got better things to do with myself.

Strength and peace to you.

isabelleT,
I'm in the same spot as you when it comes to counting drinks. My new nemesis is beer in 16 oz cans. I think, ok he's only had 2 1/2 of those, he won't be a bear to deal with, but in reality, he's had more like 3, and if he slips in a third, it's definitely past his pleasant threshold and it's nothing but nasty in my direction.

I feel you on that.

As for telling other people, I've caught the wrath as well from my ABF for that. He likes to eavesdrop on my conversations. I try to avoid talking about it when he's around, but if he wants to listen, let him. If I tell things from my perspective, as I see them, I'm not spreading his laundry, I'm spreading my own. I'm not telling the world or telling perfect strangers so I'm not taking any flack from him about it. If your A is explosive over the issue towards you, keep your conversations discreet and ask your supporters to do the same. That is only a safety measure for you if needed.

The original question was about living with an alcholic.

Life with my ABF is different since I started on my recovery. I am far more aware of my codependent behaviors, and I'm working on them. I am also more aware of his quacking and manipulations so I get drawn into his alcohol driven drama a whole lot less. My emotional state is improving, and his seems to be levelling off. There have been only mild tantrums but without my audience they die quickly.

These days I'm trying to determine what I get out of the relationship, since there really isn't much of one left anymore. What I thought was love from him I'm finding is more need. That need could be filled by a butler/maid/cook. The needs he fills for me could be accomplished by taking in a tidy roommate, and for that I could charge. (In that instance I've actually ruled out my need for the household income he provides as well.)

Can you live with an alcoholic? I think the answer has already been given, but I'll raise by hand in agreement that while you can, why would you want to if you didn't have to?

That kinda sums up an addict and how pointless it is to try and "make" them see the light, doesn't it?


Amen to that!

Ain't that the truth. And it's SO frustrating. But I do think it was one of the major light bulb moments for me.

But you know what - I DON'T have to deal with that anymore...and I'm loving it.

I could no longer live with my AH and we are seperated. It has been a few weeks and I am thinking clearer. I have started really working the steps again as I have found my mind is able to think better and I am away from the madness of it all.

I will be honest, I still look for bar receipts and I look at the bank and credit card statements to see if he is drinking. I also check to see who he has been calling on the phone bill. I will probably stop this when I'm ready as it is not healthy behavior - but I need to confirm for myself at this time that he is not in recovery and is still seeing his female "friends" as he has promised the moon and is telling me he is seeing a doctor on Friday and will see if he needs help (if he doesn't realize this now, no psychiatrist in the world could convince him that he needs to go into recovery). He is trying to convince me that he has changed and has been being a "good boy" for a few weeks, but I know from the facts that he is not even trying and is trying to get me to change my mind about the divorce. The confirmation is there in black and white and he can't lie and have me believe that he is in recovery when he isn't even close to it. I don't confront him with what I know as it is a waste of time.

I will be honest, I still look for bar receipts and I look at the bank and credit card statements to see if he is drinking.

He is trying to convince me that he has changed and has been being a "good boy" for a few weeks, but I know from the facts that he is not even trying and is trying to get me to change my mind about the divorce. The confirmation is there in black and white and he can't lie and have me believe that he is in recovery when he isn't even close to it. I don't confront him with what I know as it is a waste of time.


It must be in the air, my AH is being a "good boy" right now too. He's lied so many times I just assume he's always trying to pull the wool over my eyes. If I give in again, I know what's in store for me...

I look for receipts too, sneak into his wallet when he's passed out, look at the bank online as soon as he leaves the house to track his every move. He's gotten tricky now, he goes to the ATM and gets cash, and throws the receipts away (7-11 receipts in my case, he buys a soda and spikes it with vodka). They seem to all be alike....

Take care and be strong :ghug3

Life is really short to keep tabs on another. Do you want to live that way?

Almost a year since my exab/f was coming over my house a lot and I'm still finding hidden objects, pills, paraphernalia, etc..lol.

You're certainly not the only one made crazy by codependency. My thing was setting limits and making ultimatums with my Addict/alcoholic ex. I told him that he had to go to an addictionologist and take the medication recommended for alcholism (campral, for him), and I wanted him to limit his drinking. At that time, I didn't know that is impossible for addicts/alcoholics. So I told him "no more than 8 beers a night or I am leaving." Prior to that, he was drinking a case a night at home, after having 3 or more after work with coworkers. He initially agreed to this so I wouldn't break up with him.

So to keep to the agreement, what he would do is just drink eight 40 oz beers! lol...so obviously, that is not really an improvement, is it? He didn't want me going to meetings at all. He used to call them "cheatings" because he was convinced that is what I was doing while I was out. Talk about paranoid. I'm so glad I never married or let him move in...Thank God for that little break.

Now I'm just working on me and spending time with my kids. I need a break from men, or maybe I'll just stay alone forever. I'm certainly not ready to date at this point. Obviously, my picker is broken. I'm content alone.

KJ