functional alcoholic
 

1. do you believe in functional alcoholics?
2. do you think one suppresses the desire for alcohol or within time desire for it just decreses?

Question #1, yes. But, I believe functional is a "stage" of alcoholism, not a "type" of alcoholic.

Question #2, I don't understand the question.

L

in your view, what stage is functional alcoholic at?

if one stays away from alcohol, does the desire for alcohol decreases or?

If you want to know how an alcoholic feels/perceives doing without alcohol, perhaps you might try posting in one of the forums for alcoholics. They would be able to answer that sort of question much better.

I can say many alcoholics can "function" for x period of time since that is what I observed in my xAH. I can't explain what an alcoholic might be feeling in terms of cravings since I ahve no experience with that.

thanks, although I am more interested to talk with family members like myself

I am an alcoholic and I continued to "function" (if you could call it that) until my last drink. But that solely self preservation. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I held a job (I have never been out of work), took care of my kids, husband, various other commitments, but i did not do anything nearly as well as I do now at 7 months sober. I was also miserable.

I hit an ugly bottom and i could never drink again. I do not consider that an option. I believe that all it would take is one drink to be right back to where I was (1-2 bottles of wine a day). I haven't stopped "wanting" it. I choose not to drink today.

My bottom was not pretty

OOPS: Just read you would rather hear from family members. Sorry!

no not only, I am trying to understand what happens, what triggers and if there is ANYTHING I can do?

Ah, well if you want to know if you can make an A stop drinking, the answer is no. Only the A can choose to do that. Only the A has control over their actions and behaviors.

What we as family members can do is learn how to live with an A or how to set boundaries for behaviors we find unacceptable or how to deal with our own issues.

can I believe my husband when he once again said no more drinking?

There is no way anyone could possibly answer that question.

Perhaps if you give us a bit more of your story some of us could relate our own experiences that are relevant. I know it's kinda difficult to open up sometimes, but you will find this is a wonderfully supportive place with many who have been through what you are going through. It's amazing how similar our stories tend to be.

I've read your questions, and based on my own personal experience, I think I perceive where you're coming from.

You want to understand your husand's alcoholism; you can do so only to a point. You are not the addict. You cannot crawl inside his mind. You want questions answered from the spouse's perspective.

So I will give you my perspective, having been married to two two A's.

They are consistently inconsistent.

Frequently, they can function even though they're in really bad shape.

The old joke/saying is, "How can you tell when an A is lying?" "The A's mouth is moving and sounds are coming out."

Does the desire wane with time. Nope. Nada. No way. There is another saying in the A.A. rooms: "One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough."

The more I focused on the addicts in my life the sicker I got. I don't own the addiction. It is not my business. I cannot get an alkie to see the light, have an ah-ha moment, make the light bulb come on, or get the addict to seek recovery.

It is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. And in order to maintain their belief that they can control their addiction and remain mere social drinkers, the addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to fool himself that everything is okay.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone involved with the addict.

The only solution I found was to work a program, get into counseling, and get support from other spouses/partners of A's. Only then could I detach, accept what is for WHAT IS, and stop driving myself crazy trying to figure out why anyone would be willing to literally drink himself into the grave.

If alcoholics were healthy, functional people, they wouldn't need to numb themselves with alcohol. So in my opinion, there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic.

"Once again" is the red flag rearing its head for me. Apparently, you've been told multiple times that he is not drinking.

You would not believe the places I've found empty - and sometimes full! - bottles when I'm housecleaning. I was recently going through boxes of old vinyls (records) we both collected in college. There in the box was a full bottle of cheap brandy. I guess AH put it there an forgot.

If you've been lied to before about the drinking, chances are good the lying will continue. I can't say that I understand why an A hides the bottles. But they frequently do. And we frequently come across them.

I'm not an A. I have no desire to hide bottles, hide my drinking - when I decide I want a drink. Frankly, I'm not obsessed with my drinking. It's just something I do on occasion.

Please fill us in on more of the details of your situation, if you so desire.

(((((Thecat3)))))

First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site, with lots of good people, who have been where you are now, or who have been where your AH is now. We all have lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to share. Some of it IS NOT PRETTY.

Let me introduce myself. I am Laurie. I am an alcoholic. I am 63+ years old. I have over 27 1/2 years continuous recovery from alcoholism and over 24 1/2 years of recovery in Alanon. Ordered to go by my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober, as I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, roflmao.

Yes, there is a STAGE of alcoholism where the alcoholic can still function to some extent. Holds down a job, pays bills, may keep the 'illusion' to the outside world, but is dying more every day on the inside and is starting to be a bigger pain at home and to the family than before.

Alcoholism gets WORSE never better. There are 3 great books you might want to get, all available at Amazon.com. "Under the Influence" which gives an excellent description of the PROGRESSION of alcoholism and lets you know what you are in for. "Beyond The Influence" is the continuation after recovery has been found. And most important for you is "Co-dependent No More."

Alcoholics are great MANIPULATORS can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator and can convince their loved ones that they are going crazy, not the alcoholic. That it is all in your head, not his. I did that for years until I alienated MY WHOLE FAMILY.

Once in recovery, I also found out I was a 'codie', lol. Yep, I was co-dependent and was also very enabling (just to keep the peace so to speak) and had very little 'self-worth' and 'self esteem' left. Therefore, if I could FIX IT for you, you would like (or love me)................NOT. That is where Alanon came into the picture. Alanon helped me to figure out what was and was not acceptable to me. Alanon, helped me to find my own 'self worth' and 'self esteem.'

Alanon taught me something very very important when it came to my then husband and the other alkies in my life, both those that were sober and those that were still practicing. They call it The 3 C's:

I didn't CAUSE it,

I can't CONTROL it, and

I can't CURE it.

Alanon also taught me how to not listen to the words coming out of the alkies mouth, the QUACKING, but instead to WATCH the ACTIONS of the alcoholic, to see what was really being said.

It all sounds simple, but it IS NOT. It is a very COMPLICATED, SLOW PROCESS of discovery.

Please read the "Sticky's" at the top of the forum, check around the site, read old posts, and most of all............................................... .......keep posting, asking questions, let us know how YOU are doing, rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and yes even laugh with us. We can help you to a certain degree if you want, but YOU have to do the work.

Please KEEP COMING BACK, we do care very very much.

Again, WELCOME TO SR.

Love and hugs,

There are functional alcoholics, functional in some senses anyway.

He goes to work and pays the bills. Folks at work like him, so no complaints there that I'm aware of.

Home life though, that's an entirely different story...otherwise I wouldn't be here. Fights, arguing, silent treatment, kids seeing it and their obvious distress. Resentment, inability to rely on someone else. Lack of trust.

That part of him is definately not functional.

Will he take another drink? Does it matter? Will you be able to ever believe him? Will you ever be able to trust him not to drink again? If a major life event occurs will he drink again? Will you be able to give credit if he never drinks again? It's a lot harder than you would think, to get what you want and it's still not enough.

1. no
2. no, it just doesn't go away.

Thanks so much, my story is as follows I am a new RN (registered nurse) I work for local hospital in medical surgical unit (floor). Recently got married to NYC fireman who is a great guy. We recently had most precious baby. I never thought this can happen to us but he has binges of drinking (few days a time). I always thought its just a social thing but it drags on for few days at a time covering approximately 4-5 days. it has happened every month or so sometimes every 2 months. I am very concerned. I love him and I am not sure how to handle this. Alcoholism is brand new to me. I guess you can call it denile, as one of my close girlfriends got me a book on alcoholism. But I am hoping to speak to people like myself to understand what's happening.:Xmasan

thanks, but why should a good woman stay and tolerate this?

thanks so much:Xmasoc

yes I have found empty bottles around our place, I have no desire to drink either and after I came to realize that there is a drinking problem I am very much disgusted by alcohol and I don't think I would have a drink, ever. It just he is really perfect guy all around......NYC fireman, athelete ,very happy person always with huge smile,and is in nursing school, always helping people.

He works out preety much on daily basis and runs as well. He runs marathons for various causes.

:Xmaspstar

I am still in shock and disbelief on how can such happen to me. I never seen alcohol problems in my family (parents, grandparents, relatives)

So people do quiet, so is there hope?

Yes I did believe him every time...somehow....for now I am still hopefull. No, I dont want to tolerate alcoholism but i am in love:Xmasvstar

That pattern is called "binge drinking" the time between binges progressively decreases and can become daily drinking. At the same time cognitive and physical function also deteriorate. etoh is omnitoxic on the cellular level, though certain organs get hit harder; liver, heart, brain.
The paperback book called "Love First" Jeff Jay will educate you tremendously and is an easy fast read. All about understanding it and about intervention.
PS; health care professionals don't last too long since their colleagues are pretty good at recognizing dependence problems.

I believe there are 2 roads, I am still hopeful that he will choose the right path.

Thecat3,
You asked lots of good questions, then you didn't want to really hear any bad answers. So I'm not going to give you any others.

If you do want advice; you should go to Al-Anon. It might not feel like you need it. Keep going until he stops drinking and then a little after. It will help. I promise.

Hugs.

Educating yourself on alcoholism and on your own issues in dealing with alcoholism is a great place to start. Once you have information you can think things out rationally rather than emotionally.

One thing to keep in mind is that you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this. Only your AH can choose to admit to his alcoholism and seek sobriety.

Brundle,

thanks everyone, I really mean it...knowing that there are others like myself somehow is comforting.

Maybe I don't want to hear bad stuff, perhaps you are right, but on the same note I still have hope perhaps some people do get better, no?

thanks again, we have 4 weeks of sobriety so far:Xmasostar

When you say "we" do you mean you're also attending Al Anon? Is he in a program of recovery - there are others besides AA.

I spent a lot of time (18 years) hanging my hopes on his drinking or not drinking. It's not a great way to live a life.

Keep posting!

When I wanted to understand the disease of alcoholism and its effects on others--why alcoholics drink, why their partners stay in an unacceptable situations for so long, do alcoholics ever recover, do their partners ever find happiness sticking it out--then I had to be willing to listen to the good AND the bad. Shielding myself from the truth was unhealthy and it never worked for long.

It's up to you to decide what the truth is, but if you search for only success stories and happy endings you'll be living a life and making choices for yourself based on half-truths and misinformation.