I feel lost...
 

My dh and I have been married for 4 years. I have no doubt that he is an alcoholic. He drinks at least 5 days a week. Beer during the week, jack and coke on the weekends. We just had an episode Wednesday night where he said some things he shouldn't have said to make matters worse, he said them in front of his daughter(17). Now he is trying to shift the blame of what happened to me.

DH made the comment that I could leave and I could take his daughter with me for all he cared. He has since apologized to me but not to her because she doesn't want to talk to him. She was crying hysterically when she heard him say that and I told him to leave her alone and just go to bed. He wouldn't do it. He wanted her to tell him that she didn't want to talk to him. She's afraid of him so she wouldn't verbalize anything except to me. I repeated told him to leave her alone or we were leaving. He wouldn't stop so we left.

Now he is saying that my behavior was completely wrong and his daughter is being melodramatic. Yesterday he was sorry and wanted to apologize and the such. Today he is trying to shift the blame.

I feel so bad for her. Her mom is a piece of crap. She hasn't spoken to her daughter in 2 years. Her dad is an alcoholic who basically just said that he didn't want his daughter. Of course, now he's just saying we took it out of context. We both now that he loves his daughter and wants her there.

That's one issue I have the other is she and/or I always have to go pick him up. I understand the responsibilty of having a designated driver and him not drinking and driving. I'm glad he's not. But by her having to take him and drop him off and then pick him up, she says she feels like the parent. I can understand her point. He on the other hand says we are both dead wrong and that what he is doing is exercising responsible drinking. I don't know I feel like I'm banging my head on the wall.

SC

Welcome to SR, sgroy2003. Glad you found us.

You're familiar with the term enabling?

A classic example is helping an alcoholic to keep getting drunk by chauffering him around "so he doesn't get in trouble." That's protecting him from the consequences of his actions, so he can continue to do what he wants.

I use a lot of soft language on this forum, and try to avoid terms like "Right" and "Wrong." But his daughter is dead right. I'm astonished that he, or you, would tolerate his abusing his daughter in that way. Does she have any choice in this? Who is telling her she has to do it? And why? She should not be responsible for carting around a drunk -- something that NO ONE should be doing anyway.

Where's your confusion in this?

What do you want to do? Is all of this okay with you?

Is this abusive life the one you dreamed of when you were a little girl? Is it doing anyone any good but him?

Hope and strength to you,

I guess the confusion is it is his daughter, not mine. I have protected her as best I could. But when it comes down to it, what he tells her to do she has to do. I could throw and tell him no and I would leave and so forth but in reality I would never leave her there. I can't take her with me and there is no amount of money that could make me leave her there with him. How do I make it at least tolerable for her for the next year and a half until she finishes high school?

Well let me ask you this because he always throws this up in my face when I tell him this. He says

"I'm being responsible, I'm making sure that I have a designate driver to come pick me up. I'm utilizing my family - there is nothing wrong with that."

So how to I get him to understand that what he is doing is making us responsible for his actions. He refuses to even discuss it because he says I'm wrong.

And what if she & you say no, you aren't going to do that any more.

What would happen to you then? I'm curious how he would react.

Actually he is using his family..and there is something (very) wrong with that.

I don't know. First of all, he would make his daughter take him. as far as me, he would be pissed. He would go off on how this isn't how I was when we got married, how I've changed and he doesn't like it and maybe we just need to go our separate ways. He would pout. Um, I don't think he would get physical with me over that but I don't know.

I guess he just twists my thinking so much sometimes, it makes me second guess my initial reaction and think that I'm wrong.

He sounds very controlling and manipulative from what you've said.

For example, you say "he'll make his daughter take him."

How would he "make her" ? Does she have any free choice in this matter? Would she have your support if she were to say no?

Many of us (myself included) stayed trapped under the thumb of an alcoholic's controlling tactics for a long time because it seemed like the end of the world if setting boundaries would initiate a fight, or if we might get a tongue lashing for being right. We try hard to not rock the boat; we walk on eggshells.

You are in the right here. This is no way to live - not for you, not for daughter. Have you considered trying out an Al-Anon meeting or two in your area? Lots of us have found great support, ideas, and relief that way--those meetings (for loved ones of alcoholics) helped me with clarity, detachment, and problem-solving skills, and it can be such a HUGE relief to be around people who know what you're going through!!

Otherwise, you're getting your whole story from an alcoholic, who is bent on only telling you HIS twisted truth.

Take care sgroy :ghug3

I agree with that 100%. My heart hurt reading this thread.