Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 2017250)

going back to the original post.....let's say for a minute the topic wasn't drinking, instead cigarette smoking. husband recently quits smoking which is a tough addiction to kick for sure and now he's saying to his wife who shares his living space with him, look i really can't tolerate you (or anyone) smoking around me in my own home. is that an unreasonable request????

for myself as a recovering crack addict i sure as heck cannot be around ANYBODY smoking crack!!! i sure can't have my other half bringing home a sack of sh!t and doing lines on the coffee table and not have a rather STRONG reaction, both aversion and craving. and i cannot continue in a relationship with someone who is lapping my drug of choice!!! just can't do it. self preservation pure and simple. my other half and i were at odds over this for a while as our recovery journies had different STARTING points and took slightly differing paths. i established boundaries and had a couple occasions to need to ENFORCE them, which i did rather poorly unless pitching a wall eyed fit and tossing clothes in an overnight bag and stomping off in a huff counts as textbook. but i made the point clear.......you can do whatever the hell you want, but do NOT bring that crap anywhere near me. if you do bring that stuff home, i will leave and i will seek other residence because i AM that serious. if you want to continue our relationship as it is, then you need to respect that. if not, i'm outta here.

i think anytime we so staunchly defend our "right" to drink or other indulge, and minimize how often or how much, to the point of deliberately & repeatedly drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic we may want to look at ourselves a little deeper. if it was OKRA would it be that big a deal? back when he was drinking, what was your most fervent hope? that he would quit? and that you would do anything in your power to help him if you could?

Originally Posted by Cubile75 (Post 2017771)

Light bulb moment number two... Could it be that I am trying to control her??

Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 2017250)

back when he was drinking, what was your most fervent hope? that he would quit? and that you would do anything in your power to help him if you could?

Originally Posted by Freedom1990 (Post 2017792)

I don't see where you are trying to control her at all. I commend you for knowing when you are not feeling spiritually fit enough to be in the same room as her when she is drinking.

Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 2018200)

i guess my point is it's about being on the same team....working together in a cooperative supportive fashion for the benefit of both. requires some concessions and compromises...

it only works when both of us grab and oar and row. kinda like what they say in the program: it works if you WORK it.........