HELP!! New here...
 

I am TOTALLY lost on what to do or not do for this guy!! The situation (short version) is: He's been living with me for 1-1/2 years now. He's 52 years old. He has a warrant out on him from 2004 for not showing up for a DUI hearing, which he refuses to deal with dispite my begging (he's afraid of jail time). He has no job, no car.......the man simply has NOTHING except a few tools. We were engaged, but now I'm not sure what we are. He lies compulsively, and blames everyone else for his problems. We don't even have a sex life anymore, he claims he can't "function".
He has health issues that need attention, but because of this warrant he cannot even get any medical or other assistance. I got him into a free screening, so we know there ARE health issues. But the screening doesn't include treatment. I've tried throwing him out several times, but honestly he has NOWHERE to go. He ends up sleeping either in my breezeway, or when I insist he leaves the property, he sleeps in the woods or something.
He does some things around my house, like keeps my 1 acre yard cut, washes clothes & cleans some (I work 2 jobs) which do help me out, but honestly I want more. Plus I know things will only get worse, and that I am not helping him any by enabling. But I'm not sure how much is "enabling" and how much is "giving somebody a helping hand".
Yesterday I lent him my car to go look for a job. He can even use the car until he gets on his feet because my boss is a minister (fantastic man who loves helping people) and lent me an extra car he has. HOW MUCH MORE CAN GOD BLESS A PERSON????? WELL........he comes home drunk (driving MY car......urgh!!) with this story about meeting a potential boss at a bar for an interview (he's a contractor). I listened to this crazy story for an hour, then confronted him on it. I told him I knew it was BS, and that how dare he insult my intellegence like that. And how stupid could he be, drinking & driving AGAIN......no license & a warrant out for his arrest for a DUI.......URGH.
Before this I even got him a job, at a car auction cleaning cars. The boss lives nearby, and even offered to drive him to/from work until he got on his feet. Instead of being greatful & taking the job, he disappeared for 3 days. I got mad & threw his stuff out in my driveway, and said it was OVER. He threatened my job, my property, etc......then when he came to "pick up his stuff", he weaseled his way back in saying he had no place to go.
Crazy as it is, I DO love this guy and would LOVE to see him straighten out his life. But obviously nothing anyone is doing is working.
PLEASE give me some advise!! I live in a tiny town so there aren't any Alon On meetings, and I don't drive much out of town. I know some about alcoholism because my X-husband was an adult child. And my boss gave me info that they use at his church for AA meetings. So I understand basically about the disease, but do not quite understand what I should do - or not do.
Thank you all SO much in advance!!:praying

He should turn himself in because if he is in custody, he will get free healthcare. Since he has no job, theres no harm done there. When he gets out at least he can start over somewhat fresh (except foe no DL and probation).

If you cannot talk him into this, you should consider turning him in yourself. I am dead serious.

Hiya Anubus

And how stupid could he be, drinking & driving AGAIN......no license & a warrant out for his arrest for a DUI.

Maybe not stupid but his sub-conscious wish/need to get busted, hit Bottom. get help.

You on the other hand should think twice about lending a vehicle to a known active alcoholic/drunk driver. I would have a hard time living with myself if he hadn't made it home without hurting someone else....

Sounds like this guy needs way more than a helping hand. He's an alcoholic. It's a very very powerful addiction. It won't go away with a job, or sleeping in a house, or a porch, or the woods. None of that matters to the active alcoholic.

Maybe bring him to a shelter or Salvation Army, or a hospital and just tell him that until HE gets help you simply cannot support him or give hm a place to crash anymore.

Tough stuff for you to handle no doubt - but you are seriously enabling this guy and so in that way you are not actually "helping" him but helping his addiction.

Peace + prayers --
B.

I found it difficult to get to alanon too but hang about here some more and you'll pick up heaps of information

I was married and 5 years into my marriage before things started to get this bad and I started to confront that fact in my mind. If all of this has to happen to you, I at least think it is a blessing that you recognize that it is an unhealthy relationship right now before you tie the knot. I hope you can find the decision that is best for you.

Thank you both SO much.

dgillz....He will NOT turn himself in. I even talked to the police that stopped him, and 2 lawyers......if he turns himself in, he probably will only get 5 DAYS in jail.....at most he would probably get 90 days in jail, or even just house arrest. You are probably right, that I should turn him in. Believe me I've thought about it a million times!! His MOTHER has thought about it a million times too. Overall we think it would be the best thing for him, to get caught. But I can't bring myself to do it. I've even begged GOD to cause him to get caught, that's how bad this is!! Someday he'll get caught on his own I'm sure, just a matter of time.

Bernadette...your post verified what I was thinking. It's like he's TRYING to get caught!!!!! I've noticed this in other things he does too. I even mentioned it to him last night.......asked him 'Are you TRYING to get caught?????"......I don't think he answered, or if he did it was something stupid. Can anyone explain this?? He is SO self sabatoging, or is it GUILT, or what??? Does he hate himself so bad?? Why the heck would somebody be so afraid to turn himself in, yet do things that would make it WORSE if he got caught?? Before my car, he was driving a vehicle which was SO illegal, it wasn't funny!! Registered to some dead woman (he bought it legit but never changed the title), had illegal plates, inspection stickers, no insurance, and to top it off the thing was ready to fall apart any second.....lol. He must have 9 lives or something, because I honestly don't know how he never got caught in this thing!! Once he was even in a DUI checkpoint/traffic stop.......he managed to weasel OUT OF IT!!!
My minister/boss & I figured at least if he drove my car, it would be legal & insured, and could help him get a job, some self confidance, & start to rebuild SOMETHING in his life.......so if he got caught, it wouldn't be as hard on him.....BUT we never imagined he'd DRINK while driving it.....JUST CRAZY!!!! Believe me, if he EVER drinks while driving my car again, it'll be the last time he ever drives it.

I did give him the phone number for the City Rescue Mission, for a place to stay. But he never went there, and knows exactly how to work my sympathy & emotions. So I don't have the heart to stick to making him leave....plus he'll show up right when the grass needs cut again......lol....he's SLICK. He won't say anything.....just start working on the tractor, and cutting the grass....lol. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD!!!

Right now turning him in myself, or throwing him out in the street isn't in MY comfort zone. I'm still hoping God has a plan for him. So short of those extreme measures, what else should I do? Keep on him to turn himself in or quit drinking (he calls me "controlling" or tells me I'm opening up a can of worms, or putting the "jinx" on him when I do that).
Or just let him go, hopefully give him enough rope to hang himself with? Gosh, this is way too HARD!! The info I got from the AA literature actually made me feel SORRY for him......he's SICK and hurting inside. I can't imagine living with all that pain inside. I DO believe he WANTS help, but is afraid or whatever. He's already at rock bottom........he has NO money, NO place to go, nothing to his name, and now health problems. In the past year he has lived in his (illegal) van, and most recently slept in the woods. How much lower can he go?? I'm not making excuses for him, I know he caused all this himself & tell him so.......but he has such a thick wall of denial up, it's crazy. How else can I help without enabling? :codiepolice

I'm sorry, but I had to read this sentence more than once to actually believe what I was reading! You're planning to let him drive your car AGAIN? Please, really analyze your actions and determine what your interest is in this guy. It sounds more complicated than you're telling us.

Are you implicating yourself by harboring a man with an active warrant out for his arrest? So what if he does time. If anything, it could be good for him. He can't drink in jail, and he'll get medical help. He can't drive in jail. Will give him some time to figure out how much he misses you and appreciates you.

Anabus,

You are right to feel sorry for him, he is sick, he is an alcoholic. You are the ENABLER of this alcoholic. This means YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!

If you really love him, turn him in. It will better for the people he might hurt the next time you let him drive your car (which as Starflier said you are already planning to do), it will be better for you because you'll know he will be able to deal with his legal and health issues, and most of all it'll be better for him.

He doesn't have to know its you turning him in. This can be done confidentially. Please consider this.

At the very least do not let him drive your car again. For crying out loud you are breaking the law at that point!

starflier.....What do you mean? How should I analyze my feelings, etc? I guess I REALLY want to see him get back on track. I'm willing to get him the benefit of doubt, and every oportunity to do so. Maybe because I also had a rough time in life.....I grew up with a very low self esteem, and was the "black sheep" of my family, and did alot of stupid self destructive things (but was fortunate enough not to go to HIS extreme...I have to honestly thank an old drug/alcohol free boyfriend for that).......but I guess I KNOW how bad it is to feel so much pain inside and not thinking that anyone understood, and want to see him straighten out his life.
I'm furious about the car issue, that's actually what prompted me to search for help in doing this the right way (first I searched the phonebook & internet for alon-on meetings, but there are none so found this website).
I thought about forgetting the whole car idea.....eg, giving the other car back to my boss/minister, and telling HIM he'll never drive my car again. But wouldn't that only "verify" to him more that he isn't worthy of people's help? Or am I missing something here? Please......sometimes writing stuff comes out sounding wrong, so please don't take my post wrong. I am sincerely trying to understand all this. If MY thinking is off, I need to UNDERSTAND.
Thanks!:skillet

Anubus let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place with experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) from many individuals here.

Anubus, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, are you an SG-1 fan??? lol That was the name of one of the worst of the Gaould. lol

Now, with many years of recovery from alcoholism under my belt (over 27) I have to say YOU ARE ENABLING THIS MAN. He has found a nice nest, and is going to CONTINUE to manipulate you to the ends of the earth. As far as his having no place to go, there are shelters and the Salvation Army, which by the way has an excellent program for recovery.

However, there is something even more important going on here. You are HARBORING A FUGITIVE, and if the police care to they can charge you also! I know it will be hard, however, for your own peace of mind, you really need to turn him in.

Everyone before me is correct. A few days or 90 days in jail (which will be in a county jail)will do him so much good. It will be a 'wake-up' call. Will give him some health care, and he will have no choice but to be sober.

You CAN NOT HELP HIM. You are HINDERING him in finding his 'bottom.' I was 33 1/2 years old when my family said NO MORE. When I came to the door it was shut in my face, and when I called on the phone (long before caller ID, lol) they hung up on me. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find my bottom and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollyweird. IT WAS THE BEST THING MY FAMILY EVER DID FOR ME.

On my 3 year anniversary in AA, my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED, that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY (I was married by then to another sober alkie) and so I went (kicking and screaming, but I went, that day). IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF.

I strongly suggest that you find some Alanon meetings, in your area, IMMEDIATELY and start attending.

You may love this man, but to be honest..................................you are killing him with your love. I am sorry but You cannot HELP him. He has to find recovery on his own. All you are doing is making it easy for him to NOT FIND RECOVERY.

It is now time for YOU to start taking care of YOU. That includes NOT letting him drive YOUR CAR or the car the Minister has offered. This man has NO LICENSE, drives drunk, and is leaving you wide open for a s**t house of LAWSUITS.

Time to take care of YOU. Run to an Alanon meeting and attend at least 6 before making up your mind about the program. Talk to the folks there, either before or after the meeting. Face to face help is an incredible 'reinforcer' to help us work on us instead of them.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have been on both sides, over 27 years in recovery from alcoholism and over 24 in recovery from codieism and I speak the truth. Ask others here, they will tell you.

Love and hugs,

dgillz......Thank you......you have got me thinking. I do love him, and realize that I am hurting him more than helping him. UGH.....there just isn't any easy way to turn him in, without him knowing that I did!!! The ONLY time he isn't at my home is when he is driving my car (very seldom).......ugh!! He doesn't GO anywhere else!! I REALLY don't want them picking him up here......If he knows I turned him in, he'll retaliate on my job or my property. He has done similar things in the past to other people. He didn't kill anyone.......the warrant is just for not showing up at a DUI hearing......so he WILL get out of jail in a short period of time. Also, this little voice inside me says "Live & Let God".....God knows the best time, and also knows the best way.......don't try to control (so is turning him in taking inapropreate control??). Ugh.....so hard to tell the difference!!

Bottom line is that I DO want to help this person, NOT enable him. I love him dearly......he's a super sweet, compassionate guy & is deserving of a a good life. He'll open up to me sometimes with his deepest feelings, and it just makes me cringe to feel his pain inside!! I wish I could just hit him with a lightning bolt or something.....what's so obvious to "us" is so far from his realization!! URGH!!! He does crazy things, that to "us" would seem crazy, but yet he means well, even TOO GIVING. In his mind he just means well.

Again, as I mentioned, sometimes writing posts doesn't come they are intended. I am opening up my true feelings to you guys, please don't take them the wrong way. I KNOW something needs to be done about (for) him.......but I just don't know HOW or WHAT. And I have to work at my own comfort level here too. So please don't think I'm not taking everyone's advise......I just need to feel comfortable with my decisions, and to try to understand this crazy desease. And most of all I'm :praying for the right answers.

Thank you and many hugs for your help!!

Keep talking, the more you see your life in black and white the harder it is to ignore what you need to do for you

laurie6781.......Oh God, your post hit me hard. Lol. But thank you.......I needed the kick in the behind!!! Dang.....I swear this is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Throw somebody out in the street to HELP THEM......lol. Wheh!!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really DOES help me.

As mentioned, there are no Alon On meetings in my area. There used to be, and I went to several because my X-husband was an adult child (oddly not a drinker, but had the distinct personality), but honestly the meetings sucked. Small hick town, ya know? A support group is only as good as the people make it. It appears that they don't even have the group anymore here, so looks like the internet is my only option for help. If I have to drive 45 minutes in a busy town to get to meetings, I know I won't go.

SO.........reading through all the appreciated posts.........I either turn him in (not sure how to do that without him knowing it was ME), or throw him out on the street.......UGH........decisions, decisions!!!! HELP!!!!!!:e088:

Anabus if you don't mind telling us, where are you? I travel all over the USA on my job and I go to AA meetings wherever I go. Last month I was in a little podunk town of 4,000 in the blue ridge mountains and they had AA and Alanon both.

So unless you are in the Yukon or something, I have to believe there is help available.

Sweetiepie1......I havent the faintest idea what you are telling me?????
I'm being totally honest with my life & my feelings here.....I have NOTHING to hide. My life is in black & white, and vivid color too.........all ove rthe internet for everyone to read......urgh......what are you trying to tell me?????? If there is something I need to do FOR ME, then just let me know what you think that is. I'm opening up my life on these message boards here, looking for exactly THOSE answers.
Turning this guy in, or throwing him out in the street is a BIG decision for me. I HAVE to be comfortable with my decision. Please help me to do so.

Thank you!!

How comfortable would you feel knowing that he sufferd an accident while driveing your car and he hurt or worse killed someones loved one, how would you feel knowing that you have helped enable this man to do such a thing to a innocent person , we all understand the meaning of love , and how we never want to hurt anyone we love , but the fact of the matter is your hurting him each time you allow him to do this. he's a sick man and will schmoo his way into you heart no matter what it takes , you enable him to do this , and its part of the sickness , hes capable of doing anything to get the drink , there for hes capable of doing what ever it takes to get sober , If he truly cares for you he would seek help and take the steps in recovery as a gift and rejoice it . have you concidered speakin with the law and askin them to watch for his car and pick him in in route to where ever he is going , this way he wont know directly that it was you . cleaning the slate will help with his illness and perhaps ease the calls some from drinking. the worry only makes it worse. 5 days 5 weeks in jail is better then a life time sentance for killing someone behind the wheel while under the influence .I know most people would feel better if there was one less person on the road driving while drunk . best of luck to you and peace be with you

dgillz.....I'm in Ellwood City, PA zip 16117

I know there are some good support groups about 45 minutes from me, but they are as mentioned.....busy traffic areas, and I don't drive much out of town. My car isn't very reliable, I'm on a VERY limited income (gas prices), plus I get very stressed:praying driving in busy areas........so honestly can't say I would commit myself to such a program as faithfully as it would require.

Thank you kindly!

The hardest part of analyzing your feelings, in my opinion, is that in dealing with an alcoholic we, as codependents, tend to put our own feelings so deeply inside, we totally bury them, and we end up putting the alcoholic's feelings into the forefront. Alcoholics are VERY good at making their feelings known. Truly, the only real feelings an alcoholic has is the feeling that he/she needs to drink, and whatever they need to say or do to enable the ability to drink is the ONLY important thing. So, they use the codependent's desire to help against them. They are so needy, that we, as codies, allow their needs to completely subsume our own needs.

So, to analyze your feelings, you need to completely stop worrying about his feelings (sad stories, deep pain inside, infinitely misunderstood gentleness, etc.) and concentrate only on the FACTS. Even ignore your own feelings if you can.

It might help to get a piece of paper and start writing things down. For example, one fact is that you are harboring a criminal. Another fact is that you are continually giving him chances even in the face of his absolute inability to take advantage of these chances. Another fact is that his drinking is completely destroying your ability to live a peaceful life.

Maybe just try responding here with a post that contains absolutely no adjectives. I find that is sometimes a useful way to examine facts and eliminate feelings. Think about it as an exercise like writing out a budget. You have only x dollars and you have y expenses. How to balance these? A budget contains no adjectives. Nothing like "I love this man." Just, "This man is an active alcoholic and thus I cannot trust him."

Hope this helps. I didn't mean to be harsh, but again, do NOT allow this man to drive your vehicle.

Nothing major, it's just when we write things down and reread it (in black and white on the page or the pc screen) it is harder to ignore things that we know we should/need to do. When we chew things over in our minds we are more likely to justify things to ourselves, less likely when we write/type them

OKAY.........after reading all your posts, I have my courage up........it's 3 pm, and he's still in bed. SO........what do i do.....when he wakes up, just say "Honey you are an alcoholic and you can't stay here anymore"??????? Simple as that??? Does he even understand what that means?? Or does he believe his denial, that everyone else is to blame? I just don't understand this crazy desease. Where I come from, people TALK. This crazy alcohol thing, they HIDE their feelings.

AND......BIG QUESTION......ARE YOU GUYS GONNA *BE HERE* for MY support if I DO this??????? I'm gonna be lonely and falling apart at the seams!! Plus have an acre of grass to cut.......lol.

HELP!!!:c004:

anabus,

How many lies has he told you..... and how may times did you believe him?

So you think he'd KNOW if you reported him to the police??? You mean, you couldn't say that you didn't?? You know, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it?". You can't lie one time to protect yourself? Because in all honesty, I'm sure there are more people than just you who knows he's got a warrant out for his arrest. And I'm sure the possibility does exist for it to be someone other than you. And as long as that possibility exists, he CAN NOT for certain say it was you.

Just act surprised! And don't do it right after a fight. When things are cool, just do it. You could save someone's life on the road, his life, or at least your own.

Heck no you're not alone. My counselor said there are types of people who talk about the elephant in the room, and those who pretend not to notice. All of my AH's family is the latter. My family is the prior. Alcoholics reallllllly like the latter.

Of COURSE everyone will still be here! And everyone will support your decision. But, try not to make this big pronouncement to him that he must leave and then let him back in again. Don't make the pronouncement until you have the tools in place to make it work. For example, maybe there's someone who could come and stay with you for a while after he leaves so you're not scared?

respektingme........ YES.......I'm the only person who knows about the warrant. He hid it VERY well, all these years. He only opened up to me for HELP. I think he really thought I could "fix" it, make it go away.....ya know? And it was REALLY hard for him to confide in me about it. It took MONTHS. He trusted me enough to tell his deepest problems to, and it was extremely hard for him to do, I know. I guess that's why I feel so much like I would be breaking his confidentuality if I turned him in. After he told me, I did confide in his mom & my boss/minister, only because I knew they wouldn't say anything, and wanted to help him. But if I turned him in, yes he would definately know it was me. I just can't break his trust like that. Plus I am a terrible liar.......he could read it in my face.

He's a very safe driver, dispite his drinking.......therefore I guess I underestimate the possiblity of the worst happening, or that this culd hurt somebody else. He mostly drinks at home, and when he does drive he's slower than a turtle.

But thank you for the advise!

Hi Anubus!

Welcome!

I have a couple of suggestions for you. Have you read all the stickies at the top of the forum? There are some amazing stories there and lots of good advice. Its really eye opening and a great place to start in trying to work outr how to stop enabling and start helping!

Another thing would be to try and get a hold of Melody Beattie's book Co-dependent No More. It will help you get to grips with what enabling behaviour really is and how to break out of the 'dance' of living with an alcoholic.

If you don't like your local Al Anon meeting, what about one to one counselling?

You're not alone in dealing with an alcoholic partner here and we're all here to listen when you need someone to 'talk' to, or even just vent!

:ghug2

My XAH was a very safe driver too. Have no idea how many times he drove drunk... a lot considering how many times he was drunk coming home. I say was, because one night he rolled his vehicle onto a guard rail, it slid 50 feet and rolled three more times. The accident crushed a limb and caused severe chest trauma. He should have died but only lost a limb and it was a miracle no one else was involved. The first thing the docs asked me was how bad of an alkie was he. I didn't know he was becuase I thought he only went out to party every now and then. At that time I didn't connect all the dysfunction of our marriage to the addiction. The docs told me if he went into withdrawls in his condition he would probably die. His Blood alcohol was almost 3X the limit and he tested positive for amphetimes and pot. He denies it all, says the tox report was wrong, and never has told our kids why he wears a prosthetic limb. I had a talk with them recently because guess who showed up chugging a beer while driving the car with a kid in the back? INSANITY.

One thing I have learned in my recovery is this:

Say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. I find it a very handy saying because I was the "nice" lady that over-helped until it about did me in. I should have won a gold medal for empty threats. I got so damn messed up dealing with this....it is so much bigger than me.

Any how, I can say what I mean and mean what I say now....still working on the not saying it mean because I am still angry at XAH and angry at myself for letting it go on for 18 years. But as they say around here," progress not perfection".

slow dont always mean safe! but yes were here , and not going any wheres

There is no such thing as a drunk safe driver!

Beyond that, are you willing to go to jail for this man? Harboring him is a crime that can involve jail time.

Do you enjoy making sure he has zero motivation to change? Why should he do anything for himself since he has you providing everything he needs to be comfortable? Do you enjoy being the only responsible adult in your relationship?

Please look at your life as it is not as you wish and hope it can be. Decide if that is what you want and act appropriately with that decision.

And yes, this wonderful group of people is here to support you. That's why we're here to give and receive support.

Hi, An -
Your posts are bringing tears to my eyes. I know you are a kind soul and only want the best for the guy- but dear heart, this man is not going to change. My XAH was the best guy in the world and I loved him so much for many years, but he got dragged into this disease and started drinking and driving and it ended very badly, despite all his promises. I still am grappling with the outcome - just can't believe it some days.

You will do what you need to do when you are ready. But as bad as things are now, believe me, they can get worse. I don't want to frighten you - but so many of us here have lived through things we never imagined would happen. It might make you feel better to start making lists and plans on what you would do to separate yourself from this situation. That helped get the ball rolling for me when I was ready.