Why?
 

Why is it always about them? During their addiction, it's about them & what they want. Now, in recovery, it's still all about them. When is it ever about the family?

Who's recovery?

My recovery has been all about me. I am the only one I can work on. If my AH would ever begin recovery, it would be his, not mine.

You can change the focus if you want to.

Because A's are self-absorbed and self-centered. It's the nature of the addiction. They can't get past their own pain, their own point of view, their own feelings ... whatever.

Early recovery is tough. Staying sober is tough. I've known A's who have sat in meetings 7 days a week, sometimes several meetings a day.

At this point, it's a bit early to wonder when it will be about the family. Maybe you should quit worrying about when - or if - he'll come around to being concerned about you or your kids.

It appears that for the near future your business should be focused on your own recovery. So he is all about him. Now it's time for you to be all about you. If he works a strong recovery program, he may get to the point that he will be able to give you and your kids his attention. Then again, he may decide to walk away.

Only time will tell.

I understand the focusing on myself. That, I am doing (although I do have my moments). I feel like AH just tossed us aside like we mean nothing to him. My main concern is for my girls. I never wanted this kind of life for them & I feel bad for not being able to give them all that they deserve.
AH chose to go to FL when he got out of the Corps. He could have come here to VA where he could see his girls, but he didn't claiming that his "foundation" is there. What foundation? He went to rehab there for 21 days! He was always a country boy, not a beach boy & all of a sudden he's all about the beach (which he used to give me crap for because before him, I dated a guy who lived on a beach). I give him credit for finally getting help, but is that another lie too? Right now, he's not working (or so he says) & applying to a college down there. He hasn't asked about the girls in months, barely calls (but says he loves me) & is not here finacially either. It's like he chose to leave us behind & start a new life on his own. I'm pretty sure that there are recovering addicts all over who are working through their addictions WITH their families.

From what you've said, that is indeed what he's doing. Not all that unusual from what I've read. If that is what he is doing, well, its his choice and you can't do a whole lot about it. He will earn the consequences of his actions both good and bad.

If so, then it is what it is. All you can do is begin to move on, take care of your girls, get them whatever help they may need to get through all this and take back control of your life.

So what is acceptable TO YOU? What do you want from life? Is his way of recovering okay with what you want? He is allowed to make his choices and so are you. Is this okay with you? If not, what are you going to do about it? Just because he went to rehab doesn't mean life is all about him. What is okay for you? Does he measure up?

L

No, he's a liar. He was NOTHING like I thought he was. It's like I married a stranger. But, what do I tell my girls when they start asking about daddy? My 4 yr old doesn't even want to talk to him on the phone now. He just happened to call the day of her kindergarten registration/orientation & I asked her if she wanted to talk to daddy. (she said no) He didn't even ask about her & I know he could hear her talking next to me! The only thing he said was, "She's pissed at me.... I'm not there) I don't care about our relationship. It's pretty much over. But those girls don't know what's going on & this is just not fair to them at all.

An Alcoholic lives in a world of one.
And so does a CODA - the addict's!
Until they somehow break free.

Hmmmm....... I like that.

I just want answers. I can't help myself. How do I stop asking freakin' questions? :p

Don't stop asking questions, keep asking different questions. One day you'll realise you had your answers all along, you just aren't sure what to do with them yet.

I've not seen any and I've been clean and sober almost 27 years. The early years in Recovery are devoted to one's self. We've hidden ourselves from ourselves for so long it usually takes that amount of time to figure our own selves out, and then we have to do those steps, to get to the point of making amends (including financial) and trying to men broken bridges and broken families.

As to your girls, it might be time to find a child psychologist that is familiar with addiction to talk with the girls weekly for a while and help keep them on the right track. Counseling for you probably wouldn't hurt either. Check around, especially with your County Health Dept. I am sure they can refer you to a 'sliding scale' practice, where in all likelihood you won't pay much if anything at all.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Maybe not, but they know something's not right. I am sure that divorcing my AH is the right thing to do- for me as well as my dd. She knows he is an alcoholic, but she doesn't realize fully what that means. I try to talk to her when is seems necessary, but I keep it at her level. I also do not badmouth my AH. What I am finding is that if I am ok, she will be ok. I am becoming a strong role model for her- everyday. It's a process of figuring out what I want for my life, what I want for her and how I'm going to get that. My AH- like all active alcoholics- and those who are dry drunks- is self-absorbed. So, what am I going to do about that? It sucks- no doubt. It's not what I wanted for any of us, but in order for me to truly live the healthy life I deserve, I have to let my AH live his life- on his own. No, it's not "fair." I wanted that dream for us- that 3 is the magic number dream- a family. Well, she and I can be a family- a healthy one. That is my gift to her.
(((Take care of yourself- so you can take care of them.)))

So, basically the family is screwed either way. I wish I knew what he was before I married him.

No, your family, consisting of your and your children, is not screwed going forward unless you choose to view it that way! If you change the way you think about your life and situation, you can change your life.

Actually no IMHO the family is not screwed-

When we decide to take care of ourselves and involve ourselves with trying to do what is best for us and our children-we are not screwed.

I wish I knew about my XABF, My brothers, My Dad-but I did not I was a child with my first A's and it is what I learned as the way life was suppose to be! (NOT) -It is never to late to change and make choices that are right for US! It can be done....

We cannot change the past....I know this is cliche but I love these few sayings:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present. -Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt

It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself-Eleanor Roosevelt

I know the place that you are in right now is a horrible feeling to feel-I can share that I was once there too and others......when we start to make choices for us (kids) in a positive way and not them-life does and will get better! :hug:

In hindsight, you'll see that he did you a favor. Now you're free to find someone who truly cares about you and your boys. One day you'll realize that his leaving was a gift, not a tragedy.

I pray that you'll find peace soon. I began living a peaceful life the moment I let go of my alcoholic partner. Drunk or sober, he was never there for me.

By screwed, I mean the family is never together again. The A always leaves (or they are left) because of the A's self-centered way of thinking. This tears me up because my children never asked for this. My parents are still married after 29 yrs & I wanted my kids to grow up in a stable, loving home with both mommy & daddy. Now, that's not going to happen because he messed that up. Yes, we have fun times without daddy... Lots of them... I'm having a lot less bad days... But, I still have them. It angers me how he can leave us behind & basically start over by himself. Especially those 2 innocent little girls who did nothing at all to deserve this. Yes, it's hard on me having to be the only parent. It's really frustrating when both of the girls are acting up & knowing that my AH is off in FL somewhere doing his own thing or relaxing on a beach somewhere.

Isn't it hard to let go of the "happy 2 parent family" idea?

I, too, have parents who've been together and (apparently) happy for 25+ years, and in some ways I think it makes this process a little more difficult.

I just don't have any experience with divorce. I haven't lived through it and come out okay on the other side. Divorce was always presented as the "worst case" scenario, and that mindset makes it difficult to see my life, as it is today, in a positive light.

We do not know what the future holds. Perhaps we are not accustomed to seeing our current situations as blessings, but that doesn't mean that they aren't.

Let's live through this, come out on the over side, and then decide if we're "screwed."

Wishing you peace today.
-TC

Thank you, TC. I know that there is a reason for everything, it's just hard to see that with 2 screaming kids & no help on a very frustrating day. AH was never a good father or husband. He admits that himself. He's not there for us now either & I know he never will be. I'm just stuck in the middle now & seeing no way out yet. Frustrated, angry, alone, resentful, jealous, sad, confused.... all of that while trying to be a good mom.

It gets easier Confused, as time goes on it does get easier. I was left alone with two boys at 5 and 6 and it was damned hard work at first. I just felt lost and as if I'd never be myself again, just this body who went to work and cared for kids. Now the boys are 12 and 13 and I have my nephew too, it's not exactly a walk in the park everyday, but it got easier as the months went by. It'll get easier for you too, just keep going day by day and one day you'll realise you're having more good days than bad ones. And don't forget to look after you too, easier said than done sometimes I know, but the little things count too.

I absolutely know what you mean- and I am living it everyday- the feeling of being abandoned, of resenting his skipping off every time he drops off dd with me to go do whatever he's doing- I sometimes really get angry over it- but then I thank God every morning that I get to wake her up- kiss her beautiful smooth cheeks, get her to school, make her dinner, play with her, and put her to bed at night. He doesn't get that. He lost that privledge when he left us to do whatever he's doing. It's tiring, but rewarding. I know I am a rock for my dd- AH is not- if anything he is inconsistent. Yes- it makes me mad. I see my friends in their happy marriages and feel left out of that dream- BUT- I can make a new dream- one that is based on what I want with the reality of what is happening now. My parents are still together- but they are extremely dysfunctional- my mom is miserable sometimes and spent years basically living with a "dry drunk"- even though my dad doesn't drink. Who needs it? I don't. I wanted that dream- but my AH was trying to show me for years that he wasn't prince charming. He's a frog- and that's something I won't live with. Get mad, but realize you can make a family the way you want- and maybe even one day share that with someone special who will love you and your kids the way you deserve to be loved.

(((Confused))) I know how upset you are right now. It seems like all your hopes and dreams are shattered for you and your kids. When I was 18, I married my high school sweetheart, who was not an A at all, but was very abusive (punched me in stomach when I was 5 mos pregnant even), I went on to be married to him for 6 years, had 3 kids in that time frame before I finally had enough and he actually left me, took all the money and new car, and left me with absolutely nothing, no money, no food, no car and a rent payment that was overdue. I was only left with my three beautiful kids. This was in 1985. I then "hooked up" with my AH, who helped me out immensely, paid our rent, put food on the table, got me a car, and was like a father to my kids. Only problem was he was a drunk (I didn't really realize that at first though). Really hard livin with an A those 2 years, but it got me by though while I went to secretarial school. Then I got rid of AH, and got a great job where I could support my kids (never got child support either). I got stronger each and every day. My kids and I went camping, to the beach, etc. Always tried to have a good time with them. And we did. Then AH actually went to detox and rehab and got sober for over 14 years, during which that time we married and raised my kids as a very loving, stable family and he was a wonderful husband and father. And my xh was never in the picture, never called the kids, never sent money, Xmas cards, birthday cards, etc. Even though my AH has relapsed for a few years now, my kids and I will always treasure that time when life was "normal" and my kids will always say they had a very good childhood/teenage years (AH didn't relapse till youngest moved out of the house). They also still think of AH as their "father" and still don't have a relationship with their biological one. Whose loss is that? Certainly his.
What I'm trying to say is, while it looks so bleak now, and it's not what you wanted for you and especially your girls, YOU can make their life good. And just because your AH isn't there, doesn't mean it's the end of the world for your girls. As long as you do for you and them, that's what counts and that's what they'll always remember. And someday, although you don't think it now, you will meet someone who loves you and your kids and will actually treat you and them the way you all deserve to be treated. YOU can make miracles happen! As hard as it seems, just think positive.
(((HUGS)))

I was a lone parent from age 18. I raised my daughter alone and spent years thinking I was failing her by not finding her a 'daddy'. I ended up in a stream of bad relationships, one bf from an abused past who was deeply depressed and two A's. It has taken me the first 9 years of her life to realise that she doesn't need this 'father figure' around. All my little girl needs to be happy, is to see me happy. She is surrounded by love from my sister's family, my parents, her great nana, and all my aunts and uncles and cousins. For me family units are built on a loving, respectful bond between all the members. That can come in any shape or size!

Be kinder to yourself, you are doing the best you can for them.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For him.....it's about him. But hopefully for you, it's about YOU and your children.

gentle hugs