Why?
Because A's are self-absorbed and self-centered. It's the nature of the addiction. They can't get past their own pain, their own point of view, their own feelings ... whatever.
Early recovery is tough. Staying sober is tough. I've known A's who have sat in meetings 7 days a week, sometimes several meetings a day.
At this point, it's a bit early to wonder when it will be about the family. Maybe you should quit worrying about when - or if - he'll come around to being concerned about you or your kids.
It appears that for the near future your business should be focused on your own recovery. So he is all about him. Now it's time for you to be all about you. If he works a strong recovery program, he may get to the point that he will be able to give you and your kids his attention. Then again, he may decide to walk away.
Only time will tell.
Early recovery is tough. Staying sober is tough. I've known A's who have sat in meetings 7 days a week, sometimes several meetings a day.
At this point, it's a bit early to wonder when it will be about the family. Maybe you should quit worrying about when - or if - he'll come around to being concerned about you or your kids.
It appears that for the near future your business should be focused on your own recovery. So he is all about him. Now it's time for you to be all about you. If he works a strong recovery program, he may get to the point that he will be able to give you and your kids his attention. Then again, he may decide to walk away.
Only time will tell.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
I understand the focusing on myself. That, I am doing (although I do have my moments). I feel like AH just tossed us aside like we mean nothing to him. My main concern is for my girls. I never wanted this kind of life for them & I feel bad for not being able to give them all that they deserve.
AH chose to go to FL when he got out of the Corps. He could have come here to VA where he could see his girls, but he didn't claiming that his "foundation" is there. What foundation? He went to rehab there for 21 days! He was always a country boy, not a beach boy & all of a sudden he's all about the beach (which he used to give me crap for because before him, I dated a guy who lived on a beach). I give him credit for finally getting help, but is that another lie too? Right now, he's not working (or so he says) & applying to a college down there. He hasn't asked about the girls in months, barely calls (but says he loves me) & is not here finacially either. It's like he chose to leave us behind & start a new life on his own. I'm pretty sure that there are recovering addicts all over who are working through their addictions WITH their families.
AH chose to go to FL when he got out of the Corps. He could have come here to VA where he could see his girls, but he didn't claiming that his "foundation" is there. What foundation? He went to rehab there for 21 days! He was always a country boy, not a beach boy & all of a sudden he's all about the beach (which he used to give me crap for because before him, I dated a guy who lived on a beach). I give him credit for finally getting help, but is that another lie too? Right now, he's not working (or so he says) & applying to a college down there. He hasn't asked about the girls in months, barely calls (but says he loves me) & is not here finacially either. It's like he chose to leave us behind & start a new life on his own. I'm pretty sure that there are recovering addicts all over who are working through their addictions WITH their families.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If so, then it is what it is. All you can do is begin to move on, take care of your girls, get them whatever help they may need to get through all this and take back control of your life.
So what is acceptable TO YOU? What do you want from life? Is his way of recovering okay with what you want? He is allowed to make his choices and so are you. Is this okay with you? If not, what are you going to do about it? Just because he went to rehab doesn't mean life is all about him. What is okay for you? Does he measure up?
L
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
No, he's a liar. He was NOTHING like I thought he was. It's like I married a stranger. But, what do I tell my girls when they start asking about daddy? My 4 yr old doesn't even want to talk to him on the phone now. He just happened to call the day of her kindergarten registration/orientation & I asked her if she wanted to talk to daddy. (she said no) He didn't even ask about her & I know he could hear her talking next to me! The only thing he said was, "She's pissed at me.... I'm not there) I don't care about our relationship. It's pretty much over. But those girls don't know what's going on & this is just not fair to them at all.
Don't stop asking questions, keep asking different questions. One day you'll realise you had your answers all along, you just aren't sure what to do with them yet.
I'm pretty sure that there are recovering addicts all over who are working through their addictions WITH their families.
As to your girls, it might be time to find a child psychologist that is familiar with addiction to talk with the girls weekly for a while and help keep them on the right track. Counseling for you probably wouldn't hurt either. Check around, especially with your County Health Dept. I am sure they can refer you to a 'sliding scale' practice, where in all likelihood you won't pay much if anything at all.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
(((Take care of yourself- so you can take care of them.)))
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
No, your family, consisting of your and your children, is not screwed going forward unless you choose to view it that way! If you change the way you think about your life and situation, you can change your life.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Actually no IMHO the family is not screwed-
When we decide to take care of ourselves and involve ourselves with trying to do what is best for us and our children-we are not screwed.
I wish I knew about my XABF, My brothers, My Dad-but I did not I was a child with my first A's and it is what I learned as the way life was suppose to be! (NOT) -It is never to late to change and make choices that are right for US! It can be done....
We cannot change the past....I know this is cliche but I love these few sayings:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present. -Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt
It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself-Eleanor Roosevelt
I know the place that you are in right now is a horrible feeling to feel-I can share that I was once there too and others......when we start to make choices for us (kids) in a positive way and not them-life does and will get better!
When we decide to take care of ourselves and involve ourselves with trying to do what is best for us and our children-we are not screwed.
I wish I knew about my XABF, My brothers, My Dad-but I did not I was a child with my first A's and it is what I learned as the way life was suppose to be! (NOT) -It is never to late to change and make choices that are right for US! It can be done....
We cannot change the past....I know this is cliche but I love these few sayings:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present. -Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt
It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself-Eleanor Roosevelt
I know the place that you are in right now is a horrible feeling to feel-I can share that I was once there too and others......when we start to make choices for us (kids) in a positive way and not them-life does and will get better!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It's like he chose to leave us behind & start a new life on his own.
I pray that you'll find peace soon. I began living a peaceful life the moment I let go of my alcoholic partner. Drunk or sober, he was never there for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
By screwed, I mean the family is never together again. The A always leaves (or they are left) because of the A's self-centered way of thinking. This tears me up because my children never asked for this. My parents are still married after 29 yrs & I wanted my kids to grow up in a stable, loving home with both mommy & daddy. Now, that's not going to happen because he messed that up. Yes, we have fun times without daddy... Lots of them... I'm having a lot less bad days... But, I still have them. It angers me how he can leave us behind & basically start over by himself. Especially those 2 innocent little girls who did nothing at all to deserve this. Yes, it's hard on me having to be the only parent. It's really frustrating when both of the girls are acting up & knowing that my AH is off in FL somewhere doing his own thing or relaxing on a beach somewhere.
Isn't it hard to let go of the "happy 2 parent family" idea?
I, too, have parents who've been together and (apparently) happy for 25+ years, and in some ways I think it makes this process a little more difficult.
I just don't have any experience with divorce. I haven't lived through it and come out okay on the other side. Divorce was always presented as the "worst case" scenario, and that mindset makes it difficult to see my life, as it is today, in a positive light.
We do not know what the future holds. Perhaps we are not accustomed to seeing our current situations as blessings, but that doesn't mean that they aren't.
Let's live through this, come out on the over side, and then decide if we're "screwed."
Wishing you peace today.
-TC
I, too, have parents who've been together and (apparently) happy for 25+ years, and in some ways I think it makes this process a little more difficult.
I just don't have any experience with divorce. I haven't lived through it and come out okay on the other side. Divorce was always presented as the "worst case" scenario, and that mindset makes it difficult to see my life, as it is today, in a positive light.
We do not know what the future holds. Perhaps we are not accustomed to seeing our current situations as blessings, but that doesn't mean that they aren't.
Let's live through this, come out on the over side, and then decide if we're "screwed."
Wishing you peace today.
-TC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 66
Thank you, TC. I know that there is a reason for everything, it's just hard to see that with 2 screaming kids & no help on a very frustrating day. AH was never a good father or husband. He admits that himself. He's not there for us now either & I know he never will be. I'm just stuck in the middle now & seeing no way out yet. Frustrated, angry, alone, resentful, jealous, sad, confused.... all of that while trying to be a good mom.
Thank you, TC. I know that there is a reason for everything, it's just hard to see that with 2 screaming kids & no help on a very frustrating day. AH was never a good father or husband. He admits that himself. He's not there for us now either & I know he never will be. I'm just stuck in the middle now & seeing no way out yet. Frustrated, angry, alone, resentful, jealous, sad, confused.... all of that while trying to be a good mom.
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