I am afraid
 

I have always tried to have a positive outlook on thingsbut tonight my world feels like its crumbling before my eyes. My husband has started his drinking binge again. Two days ago I went through pure hell with him and thought I was dealing with a demon and I was. ALCOHOL. My husband whom I love dearly and have since I was 11 years old told me he was gonna stab me to death. He said" The babies will wake up with no mother becasue the ambulance is going to take her away from here." That night he had taken money out of my wallet and took the keys to my van and drove to the store. He didn't come home for hours. When he did come home he told me he had ran over a cat and he really enjoyed it. He told me that I was a lazy B**** even though I keep our house spotless because I have OCD and I'm always caring for the children. He kept me awake until 4 am. He tortured me verbally, made extra loud noises to wake everyone up and kept on until he finally passed out at 4. He wouldn't stop. I gathered up some courage tonight to call my mother and I spilled the beans. She told me that she didn't know what to say that she was in shock. She said she had to think on it and she would call me in the morning. His mother is here and she is a wreck as well. Tonight he is passed out in the bed and we are tiptoeing around him so he won't wake up. His threats have become my reality and I'm am afraid for the first time in years. He doesn't even remember saying anything to me the other night. Yesterday was fine. He stayed in the bed most of the day and my nerves were so tore up that I souldn't eat anything and I had dry heaves all day. Now today he's done it again. I'm just sick of it. I am sick to my stomach and I feel like I'm gonna lose it. I need some advice and encouragement tonight.


Lost in NC,
2many2count

Hi 2many - I feel the pain in your post and I am so sorry to know that things are going from bad to worse. The only advice I can give to you is to PLEASE call the police if your husband is threatening you. We don't usually tell people what to do here - usually just gentle suggestions in the right direction, but when it comes to abuse, then it becomes a whole other issue. Your husband's drinking is out of control and if he cannot control his mouth, then his fists may be next. Please don't allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security - do what you have to do for you and your children. I have more I'd like to say to you, but I have to go. I am thinking of you and I will say a prayer for you and your kids tonight.

Hi!
You sound so scared! I'm scared for you too -- Can you get out? He's threatened you verbally, sweetie -- it's time to go....Can you stay with your Mom for awhile? With anybody?

Just my opinion. Your hubbie could also be in a manic phase of bi-polar, has he been diagnosed before? It sounds like he might be cycling through a mini-manic phase. I would check on that too. (will he go to the doctor?).

There are some psychologists on the boards who might help you. Try your local help line too -- we have a "cope" line here -- do you have a crisis hot line where you are?

You are in my prayers.

Nikki

(((2many)))

I am worried about you. Please do what you have to to be safe!! You do not have to take the abuse, I know it is really tough on you with all the kids and all, but your safety comes first. Get to a safe place, please. I will be praying for you sweetie.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

get going
 

IF it were your daughter in this situation, what would you tell her?

My opinion: it has gone too far. Get the heck out of Dodge, any way you can. Get him out or get going yourself. Don't be alone with him. Write us again quick.

Much love and special prayers to you tonight.

ive already said a prayer and please be safe

(((2many)))
This may be the time to get out.
You need to protect yourself and the kids, hell with anything
else. won't his mom or yours let you stay with them?
2Many I feel that you know what you need to do, not sit around waiting to see what he'll do next, as Nikita ,country and 2step suggested, Go.
God bless and keep you all safe- verbal abuse can be so overwhelming, I have been there.sat in an all night restaurant, slept at work and noone knew. My bi polar son in his mania made my life hell, your husband may have other problems here.

love liddy

My mother is going to call me back sometime either tonight or early in the morning. I don't have anyone I can stay with.
He is passed out for now and I'm going to hide all of the knives. I plan on sleeping with the children on the top bunk tonight and call his psychiatrist in the morning. Yes, he is bipolar and he is manic right now. I am in such shock because of the turn to violence here lately. My plan is to have him committed tomorrow and go to my mothers for a while if her husband will let us. My two oldest children are going to the mountains with my father tomorrow and coming back on Tuesday so I'll have that time to get a plan together minus two children who are seriously affected by this situation.

My head is just spinning right now.....I can't explain the emotion. I have PTSD and its causing me to have flashbacks of abuse from my previous husband. I'm just a mess right now.

I love you guys. I really don't know what I'd do without all of you. You listen and give me the responses I NEED to hear. Thank you so much!

Lost in NC,
2many2count

2 many
 

I am surrounding you with God's love, prayers and my love...

Please take care of yourself, after all you are the only Mother your childern have.

Abuse is abuse: is abuse.....Sometimes we just have to take the action required to protect ourselves and our childern...

May God bless and keep you...

2many,

I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my son last year. He suddenly turned violent during what I called awake -blackout drunk. It was awful. We had such a wonderful 3 months together when he was sober. He was kind and wonderful. One night of a binge and he became very violent. He got a knife and stabbed it in the fence right by me, tried to break all my windows and looked at me with such hate I can't describe it. I knew then that it was the alcohol affecting him in this way. I had to separate him from the alcohol and still make a logical choice. As much as I love him I had to separate myself from him. For his sake and mine. He could have killed me and not even known he did it.

You are in real danger even as I was. It will break your heart to separate from him just as it did mine to separate from my son. His blackouts were just too dangerous. This does not mean the relationship is over. It just means you have to keep you and your children safe for now. If you can't move in with family then it may be time to find a shelter. All you have to do is call a crisis line from the phone book. If he wakes up angry like that again you need to leave. Have phone numbers handy and a plan ahead of time so you are prepared. At least enough cash to get a motel room for a night.

We're all here for you. You're not alone.

Hugs,
MG

Hi 2many,
Alcoholics CAN get sober... They do it after each drunk. I am guessing that he is a completelt DIFFERENT man when he is sober; he doesn't verbally abuse you, isn't violent or harsh... his thought patterns are somewhat "logical". But a dangerous thing can happen here. If you wait on this... if you hang around to "talk" to him, to "reason things out" once he is SOBER, chances are pretty good that you will manipulated into thinking that "things aren't so bad"; that "THIS time will be different".

I feel that what you need to do now is stop reacting, and take ACTION. Get you and your kids somewhere safe... Like the others said, it truly comes across to me that the situation has become very dangerous. I would hate to imagine that the next time he drinks, the kids and you would be literally running for your lives.

Please let us know how you are doing.
Take care
Meg

2many,

I'm glad his mother is there and hope she
is staying there:confused:

You don't have to wait until tomorrow to
have him committed, you can call the police
and tell them his condition and he is
a danger to himself and you, and there are
children involved. They can have him evaluated and committed for at least 72 hours NOW.

I am so worried about you, please take care
of you and your children first.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am praying for you and your family.

Hugs,

****{2many}}}

You said it yourself, you are afraid. I also read the fear in your post. There was a lot of good advice given to you and I hope you do act on some of it.

Top priority......safety for you and your kids. It's not going to be easy, but you are strong and you can do it.

I will be thinking of you today and you will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs,
Debbie

((2many))
 

Keep this in mind: when you are scared, it is difficult to think straight. Your brain is having a difficult time processing this and knowing what the loving, logical thing to do is for everyone.

You need a little distance to get your head straight. Get it however you can. Then you can make a good choice for all.

No, the relationship doesn't have to be over. But you are the only one who has the ability to think straight right now.

Just keep repeating -- "I just need a bit of distance to get my head clear." Repeat it over and over and over again. Make it a mantra.

It will choke out the guilt and the confusion. It is a baby step. The first baby step.

Just keep saying it. Then do whatever you think comes next re: getting some space. First step first. First step first.

Let us know how you are!

Dearest 2many,
I lay in bed worrying about you last night, I was concerned when you logged off so quickly. Honey, you must get to a safe place and step off this carousel of abuse, you know in your heart it won't stop anytime soon. I don't normally tell someone what to do EXCEPT when they are in danger. I used to have to hide knives from my father, and when he was really manic and high I would have one under my pillow. YOU cannot live like this anymore, a prisoner in your own home. Go to your knees in prayer and tell God exactly how you are feeling and that you need his mercy and peace right now, He will provide for you and your babies..just believe. And we are all here for you, take some deep breathes and one step in front of the other...take my hand, I'm right beside you. Just know love and prayers are with you today and we know you have the strength to do this, just reach down into that part of your heart that knows what you have to do. Like the other ladies have said, yes it will hurt..but sweetie it will hurt worse when the violence escalates and you see your children scared day after day. I have been in situations where I thought I had no place to go, in fact I knew nobody would have me, but God knew more than I...and he provided, He will provide for you and your children too. I am praying for you.


Many (((HUGS))) and (((HOPE))),
Tammie


:kisshug:

I am not sure how it works when someone is manic, I have no experience with that, but I do know that episodes of violence are usually progressive. All before me have given sound advice and as difficult as it would be you are going to have to fake it till you make it with this one. Get the police involved. Call 911 and leave the phone off of the hook so he doesn't freak out on you for calling. Get the hell out of there when he is acting like that. That kind of trauma is awful for you and especially for the kids. You know all of this already, acting on it is the tough part. Always remember that you cannot take time back and if this got so bad that someone really gets hurt, you would never forgive yourself if you were passive about this. He is out of control, you owe it to yourself to stay safe! My prayers are with you. I know how difficult this is.

LG

Hi again 2many. I had to run last night and sorry for the abrupt reply. I've been thinking about you and I hope you will be able to check in soon so that we know how you are doing today. You know how us codies are! ;)

Josie was right on the money when she said that if you call the police and tell them what you have told us here, they will be able to have your husband evaluated and get him the medical attention he so badly needs. With him being bipolar and drinking as well, it's a bad combination and if he cannot help himself, then someone with the authority to do it, will. Remember that you would not be hurting your husband by doing this. You would be helping all of you.

I understand how difficult all this is for you, and my heart goes out to you. Just do whatever is in your power to do for the safety of all, your husband included.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, 2many.

We're still with you 2many. I hope you're ok.

Let us know if you can.

Hugs,
MG

((((2many))))

Been thinking of you, and I really am sorry for you having such a painful let down in your life. I am here along with everyone else..hoping and praying for you and your family.

Love in spirit
Sky

2many....
 

OK! Get out RIGHT NOW! DO NOT STAY THERE WITH HIM! BELIEVE WHAT HE SAYS, ESPECIALLY IF HE WAS DRUNK SAYING IT! YOU ARE IN A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION AND IT IS TIME TO STOP THE MADNESS. TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND GET OUT! UNLESS YOU CAN KICK HIM OUT!

I am sorry if I seem very harsh but this is nothing to play with! This was a direct threat on your life. What else do you need to hear before you get out? Think about your children , for them , if you don;t care enough about yourself, please get away from this man immediately!

Report this threat to the police as well, keep a paper trail because you will need it!

God Bless!

2many, Where are ya girl? I've been looking for you today and I've been praying for you. I am very concerned for you and the kiddo's, please let us know how things are going, we love you.

:kisshug:

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many, please check in if you can. Hope things are going well for you. We all care and are sending our love and support.

Many hugs,
Debbie

My husband left yesterday for a while and when he came home I left for the day.He didn't drink anything yesterday and believe it or not he didn't remember anything he did which scares me the most. My family is trying to get me out of this mess. I talked with his Psychiatrist yesterday on the phone and he has an appointment today. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I don't care either. My two oldest kids have gone to the mountains until Tuesday with my father. I only have the babies right now and we will being leaving the house when they get up. I checked with the Police yesterday and they told me there is nothing they can do until there is physical proof of abuse because we are married. They can't make him leave. I have to get an attorney for that. Evenn communicating threats. No marks on my body just in my heart.If I'm afraid I should leave. So that is what I'm doing. I have sat my husband down and told him everything he did to me the other night and he didn't have a clue. I also told him that I wasn't going to be afraid in my own house. He said "now i know what they meant in AA. One beer is too much and a thousand isn't". I said"I don't give a **** what they say in AA I am not living with a man that I'm afraid of. You're not going to manipulate me by throwing AA in my face today." Now he wants to go to meetings but there is much deeper mental problem. Until he fixes it I'm going away. His mom is here and she feels sorry for him, The stupid bitch! I let her read Letting Go and she threw it on the table and said it made sense but she can't do it. Right now everyone is piled up in my living room floor while I type this to you all. I've not had anything to eat in 3 days. I'm sick to my stomach all of the time. Weak. I will check back in before the end of the day.

God bless you all for caring the way that you do. I love you guys for being the only ones around me that care. I feel the love and concern as I read all of your posts. Thanks to each and every one of you. I will make it. I have to.


2many2count

Dearest 2many,

Good to hear from you hon. Now listen, ya gotta eat something, maybe just toast or something, but you need your strength and all, and I wish you could get somewhere and sleep. You are doing the right thing not to stay in this situation. No one should be afraid in their own home. I've had to live this way before and it will destroy health and happiness like no other. You're a strong, intelligent woman. Step by step you will find serenity and peace again. Just hang on and get on your knees and pray. I am praying for you and have you in my thoughts. Remember, you are loved, unconditionally, just as you are, and we will support you in any way we can.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many,

OK sweetheart, first let me start with a big hug. I know you feel very alone right now, but you do have "us". I wish I had found everyone here earlier.

I don't mean to be disrespectful of anyone elses post because they all are only thinking of you and what's best for you. I have been where you are......oh hell, who am I kidding....I am still there. I know what it feels like to hear the threats and I know what it's like to actually feel the physical blows. I also remember the first time like it was yesterday, and I remember the shock and the anger. I wish I would have known then what I know now. You can NOT live like this. I have been doing this for 4 years and it only gets worse and you will only feel more of yourself slip away the longer you stay in this situation.

First, start with the good things................your kids!!! I know you adore them, and would do anything for them. I know somedays I probably wouldn't even get out of bed if it was for my little boy. But, you have to think of them NOW. Especially for your daughter and your "new" child. This will do incredible damage to them. They are learning about relationships from what they see. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to think is ok? I think that thought scares me most of all. PLus with your husband I am afraid your daughter may be in harm too. Also, I can't imagine your kids respect him, and you don't want them to lose respect for you too because you stay with that treatment. So start with a plan that is best for them. I think it might be easier for us moms who are in this situation to put the kids first. They are truely the innocents in all this.

Now, along with the kids comes taking care of yourself. I know how repulsive the idea of eating is but you have to keep your strength. Even crackers at this point would be ok. Try and drink lots of water also. And once again, another of my mistakes...stay away from the caffeine. I am a coffe head, but it only makes you more tense. You also need some sleep. It will help you with decision making and with the kids. Even during good times little or no sleep and kids are not a good mix. Take the time to sleep when he is passed out.

If your mom can help that would be great. Even if she can you need to start looking at resources in your community. Thre are lots out there especially with the kids. USE THEM!!! Take advantage of everything you can. Including the police! My husband has gone to jail 6 times for abusing me. It doesn't have to be just physical, but you have to call them when it is happening. I don't have a lot of faith left in our justice system for helping abused people, but they can remove him and give you peace even for a night.

PLEASE learn from my mistakes!!! Don't stay in a home where you are afraid. I do, and it takes so much of me just living this way. I only wish I had the means to support myself to get out. I know I lose a little bit more of myself everyday I am here. I spend so much energy every night wondering if this is a night he hurts me...........or maybe the last time. I do NOT want you or I to end up some pitiful story on the news. Don't kid yourself into thinking he is not capable of that. And just imagine if he hurt one of the kids. What would that do to you?


My husband also has menal disorders. He takes a bi-polar drug and Zanex 6 times a day...all with the booze. Imagine what that does to their heads! No one could be sane like that! Of course mine thinks he is just fine because he gets up and goes to work everyday....ha! He is sick and I think your is too probably. These are not people who can think rational most of the time let alone when they are drinking. They don't think they way you and I do.


Ok, I will wrap this up. I am not supposed to tell you what to do, but PLEASE take care of you and the kids. You deserve better!!!! I have cried a lot while typing this to you because I know what you must be feeling. I wish I was the only one in the world who had ever had to live with this pain and fear. I only say that because it hurts to know you are feeling it too. I will be thinking of you...always. Please stay in touch and come here if you need to vent or if you have questions.


Don't forget...one day at a time!


HUGS
sunshine

Hi 2many,
I am so glad to hear from you... And to hear that you are getting some space from this relationship. Allow some time to pass before you think of revisiting things the way they were... And like Ann said earlier, use this time to get to some meetings, read some books. Bring a little peace in your life by taking care of yourself and the kids, without the burden of the active alcoholism in your home.

I wanted to mention that even tho the police cannot do anything about the threats... they CAN file a report of this incident. Just having his name in the records can be a safeguard should anything happen in the future.

I can also understand how frustrating it is when we have to deal with our A's other loved ones, and THEIR reactions of his drinking. My husbands parents, until recently, had never really "got it". His father was just plain angry at him "Why can't you just stop at a couple of beer!?... You're so WEAK!"... and his mother is at the best of times is so emotionally unstable. But I have come to understand how hard it must be for them as well... slowly losing their only son, to a chemical addiction.

My heart goes out to you and to sunshine... The two of you are kindred spirits it seems; perhaps you BOTH can learn from each other.
Keep sharing with us here as we all are touched by your struggles.
Take GOOD care of yourself:)
Meg

2many,

I know it is so frustrating with the police and trying to get someone out etc.... I ended up filing a protective order. In Utah you can file that for free when there is any threat of violence. You have to tell them exactly why you need it and they will approve or deny a temporary one until a court date. I got mine with no physical violence, and when we went to court I had it put in force for 3 years. This is when the police can get involved, is when he violates the protective order. This was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in all of my life, but I do believe it may also have saved my life. It is the only thing that kept him away from me. Good luck and keep posting so we dont worry!

LG

a real bad story / caution
 

You might not want to read this. And moderator, if I am out of line, please remove this.

I am repeating this because I think you are in danger. He has told you what he wants to do. Next time he gets drunk he may do it. He has told you. Believe him. They have no judgement.

PS. If you are somewhere with no computer, you can get online at any library.

Something happened here locally (Iowa) within the last week. The guy was out of work for a few months. He was drinking, I don't know how much. He visited the neighbors with his little girl. They said he was a loving father, he doted on his child. He went home. There was a fight.

His wife called her mother for help. He shot his wife. When his mother-in-law came, he shot her in the eye. Then he went upstairs and shot his little girl and shot himself.

He and the little girl died. The wife is in the hospital, not sure. The mother-in-law is in the hospital in serious condition.

It can happen to anyone, given the right/wrong conditions. Even people in the house may not save you. He warned you himself.

If you are still there, wake the babies up and leave.

2many

I am so sorry that you are going through all this right now. My computer has been acting up, so I did not see this post until today.

It sounds like you are getting ready to move to safer ground, at least for now, and my prayers go with you that you and your babies will be safe.

Don't think about or worry about anything else right now. Once you get your balance again you can make any decisions with a clear head.

Just know that we love you and care and know that God walks with you wherever you go.

2many,

You are really handling this well. The really hard part is that they can be so wonderful and then one binge and the alcohol can bring on violence immediately. My son did not always get violent when he drank. It's progressive.

Terrorist threats are against the law. You can make a citizen's arrest if he does it again. The police will have to do it. They would give him a ticket and he would have to appear in court.
If the police don't see it themselves they can't do anything about it if there is no physical evidence. You have to make a citizen's arrest. You have to weigh each situation to see if would help. Having a paper trail is always a good thing if there should be a custody dispute later or the need for a restraining order. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I've done what you're doing and know how hard it is. It's so hard to sort through all of the emotions. I can't believe how well you've done getting this together in such a short time.

We're all here if you need us. Don't forget to pack the computer and take it with you.

Hugs,
MG