2many, Where are ya girl? I've been looking for you today and I've been praying for you. I am very concerned for you and the kiddo's, please let us know how things are going, we love you.

:kisshug:

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many, please check in if you can. Hope things are going well for you. We all care and are sending our love and support.

Many hugs,
Debbie

My husband left yesterday for a while and when he came home I left for the day.He didn't drink anything yesterday and believe it or not he didn't remember anything he did which scares me the most. My family is trying to get me out of this mess. I talked with his Psychiatrist yesterday on the phone and he has an appointment today. I'm not sure what is going to happen but I don't care either. My two oldest kids have gone to the mountains until Tuesday with my father. I only have the babies right now and we will being leaving the house when they get up. I checked with the Police yesterday and they told me there is nothing they can do until there is physical proof of abuse because we are married. They can't make him leave. I have to get an attorney for that. Evenn communicating threats. No marks on my body just in my heart.If I'm afraid I should leave. So that is what I'm doing. I have sat my husband down and told him everything he did to me the other night and he didn't have a clue. I also told him that I wasn't going to be afraid in my own house. He said "now i know what they meant in AA. One beer is too much and a thousand isn't". I said"I don't give a **** what they say in AA I am not living with a man that I'm afraid of. You're not going to manipulate me by throwing AA in my face today." Now he wants to go to meetings but there is much deeper mental problem. Until he fixes it I'm going away. His mom is here and she feels sorry for him, The stupid bitch! I let her read Letting Go and she threw it on the table and said it made sense but she can't do it. Right now everyone is piled up in my living room floor while I type this to you all. I've not had anything to eat in 3 days. I'm sick to my stomach all of the time. Weak. I will check back in before the end of the day.

God bless you all for caring the way that you do. I love you guys for being the only ones around me that care. I feel the love and concern as I read all of your posts. Thanks to each and every one of you. I will make it. I have to.


2many2count

Dearest 2many,

Good to hear from you hon. Now listen, ya gotta eat something, maybe just toast or something, but you need your strength and all, and I wish you could get somewhere and sleep. You are doing the right thing not to stay in this situation. No one should be afraid in their own home. I've had to live this way before and it will destroy health and happiness like no other. You're a strong, intelligent woman. Step by step you will find serenity and peace again. Just hang on and get on your knees and pray. I am praying for you and have you in my thoughts. Remember, you are loved, unconditionally, just as you are, and we will support you in any way we can.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many,

OK sweetheart, first let me start with a big hug. I know you feel very alone right now, but you do have "us". I wish I had found everyone here earlier.

I don't mean to be disrespectful of anyone elses post because they all are only thinking of you and what's best for you. I have been where you are......oh hell, who am I kidding....I am still there. I know what it feels like to hear the threats and I know what it's like to actually feel the physical blows. I also remember the first time like it was yesterday, and I remember the shock and the anger. I wish I would have known then what I know now. You can NOT live like this. I have been doing this for 4 years and it only gets worse and you will only feel more of yourself slip away the longer you stay in this situation.

First, start with the good things................your kids!!! I know you adore them, and would do anything for them. I know somedays I probably wouldn't even get out of bed if it was for my little boy. But, you have to think of them NOW. Especially for your daughter and your "new" child. This will do incredible damage to them. They are learning about relationships from what they see. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to think is ok? I think that thought scares me most of all. PLus with your husband I am afraid your daughter may be in harm too. Also, I can't imagine your kids respect him, and you don't want them to lose respect for you too because you stay with that treatment. So start with a plan that is best for them. I think it might be easier for us moms who are in this situation to put the kids first. They are truely the innocents in all this.

Now, along with the kids comes taking care of yourself. I know how repulsive the idea of eating is but you have to keep your strength. Even crackers at this point would be ok. Try and drink lots of water also. And once again, another of my mistakes...stay away from the caffeine. I am a coffe head, but it only makes you more tense. You also need some sleep. It will help you with decision making and with the kids. Even during good times little or no sleep and kids are not a good mix. Take the time to sleep when he is passed out.

If your mom can help that would be great. Even if she can you need to start looking at resources in your community. Thre are lots out there especially with the kids. USE THEM!!! Take advantage of everything you can. Including the police! My husband has gone to jail 6 times for abusing me. It doesn't have to be just physical, but you have to call them when it is happening. I don't have a lot of faith left in our justice system for helping abused people, but they can remove him and give you peace even for a night.

PLEASE learn from my mistakes!!! Don't stay in a home where you are afraid. I do, and it takes so much of me just living this way. I only wish I had the means to support myself to get out. I know I lose a little bit more of myself everyday I am here. I spend so much energy every night wondering if this is a night he hurts me...........or maybe the last time. I do NOT want you or I to end up some pitiful story on the news. Don't kid yourself into thinking he is not capable of that. And just imagine if he hurt one of the kids. What would that do to you?


My husband also has menal disorders. He takes a bi-polar drug and Zanex 6 times a day...all with the booze. Imagine what that does to their heads! No one could be sane like that! Of course mine thinks he is just fine because he gets up and goes to work everyday....ha! He is sick and I think your is too probably. These are not people who can think rational most of the time let alone when they are drinking. They don't think they way you and I do.


Ok, I will wrap this up. I am not supposed to tell you what to do, but PLEASE take care of you and the kids. You deserve better!!!! I have cried a lot while typing this to you because I know what you must be feeling. I wish I was the only one in the world who had ever had to live with this pain and fear. I only say that because it hurts to know you are feeling it too. I will be thinking of you...always. Please stay in touch and come here if you need to vent or if you have questions.


Don't forget...one day at a time!


HUGS
sunshine

Hi 2many,
I am so glad to hear from you... And to hear that you are getting some space from this relationship. Allow some time to pass before you think of revisiting things the way they were... And like Ann said earlier, use this time to get to some meetings, read some books. Bring a little peace in your life by taking care of yourself and the kids, without the burden of the active alcoholism in your home.

I wanted to mention that even tho the police cannot do anything about the threats... they CAN file a report of this incident. Just having his name in the records can be a safeguard should anything happen in the future.

I can also understand how frustrating it is when we have to deal with our A's other loved ones, and THEIR reactions of his drinking. My husbands parents, until recently, had never really "got it". His father was just plain angry at him "Why can't you just stop at a couple of beer!?... You're so WEAK!"... and his mother is at the best of times is so emotionally unstable. But I have come to understand how hard it must be for them as well... slowly losing their only son, to a chemical addiction.

My heart goes out to you and to sunshine... The two of you are kindred spirits it seems; perhaps you BOTH can learn from each other.
Keep sharing with us here as we all are touched by your struggles.
Take GOOD care of yourself:)
Meg

2many,

I know it is so frustrating with the police and trying to get someone out etc.... I ended up filing a protective order. In Utah you can file that for free when there is any threat of violence. You have to tell them exactly why you need it and they will approve or deny a temporary one until a court date. I got mine with no physical violence, and when we went to court I had it put in force for 3 years. This is when the police can get involved, is when he violates the protective order. This was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in all of my life, but I do believe it may also have saved my life. It is the only thing that kept him away from me. Good luck and keep posting so we dont worry!

LG

a real bad story / caution
 

You might not want to read this. And moderator, if I am out of line, please remove this.

I am repeating this because I think you are in danger. He has told you what he wants to do. Next time he gets drunk he may do it. He has told you. Believe him. They have no judgement.

PS. If you are somewhere with no computer, you can get online at any library.

Something happened here locally (Iowa) within the last week. The guy was out of work for a few months. He was drinking, I don't know how much. He visited the neighbors with his little girl. They said he was a loving father, he doted on his child. He went home. There was a fight.

His wife called her mother for help. He shot his wife. When his mother-in-law came, he shot her in the eye. Then he went upstairs and shot his little girl and shot himself.

He and the little girl died. The wife is in the hospital, not sure. The mother-in-law is in the hospital in serious condition.

It can happen to anyone, given the right/wrong conditions. Even people in the house may not save you. He warned you himself.

If you are still there, wake the babies up and leave.

2many

I am so sorry that you are going through all this right now. My computer has been acting up, so I did not see this post until today.

It sounds like you are getting ready to move to safer ground, at least for now, and my prayers go with you that you and your babies will be safe.

Don't think about or worry about anything else right now. Once you get your balance again you can make any decisions with a clear head.

Just know that we love you and care and know that God walks with you wherever you go.

2many,

You are really handling this well. The really hard part is that they can be so wonderful and then one binge and the alcohol can bring on violence immediately. My son did not always get violent when he drank. It's progressive.

Terrorist threats are against the law. You can make a citizen's arrest if he does it again. The police will have to do it. They would give him a ticket and he would have to appear in court.
If the police don't see it themselves they can't do anything about it if there is no physical evidence. You have to make a citizen's arrest. You have to weigh each situation to see if would help. Having a paper trail is always a good thing if there should be a custody dispute later or the need for a restraining order. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I've done what you're doing and know how hard it is. It's so hard to sort through all of the emotions. I can't believe how well you've done getting this together in such a short time.

We're all here if you need us. Don't forget to pack the computer and take it with you.

Hugs,
MG

2many
I am thinking of you alot...I really hope for the best for you and your children. You are a very stong young lady.

Love in spirit
Sky

I have to admit something...I don't feel strong right now. I know what I have todo to survive but I have panic attacks and I've been having them alot lately. I second guess myself so much and its like my head is spinning out of control. I know the danger here and I'm doing everything I know to keep my sanity. I do not have any family here. Few friends. I used to run to my grandma because she lived down the road. She was always there to help me pick up th pieces. She died the end of 2000 and for the first time in my life I feel alone. I moved away from my family to be nearer to my grandma and now she is not here. I am going to work this out somehow. I just haven't figured out how yet. I do know that what ever happens in the end is going to be the best for me and the children because I will not stop until I feel safe again somewhere.

You guys have no idea what an inspiration you are to me and how much I care for each of you. I truly value your thoughts and opinions each and every one of you. Thanks for all that you do.

Much Love,
2many

PS.I ate today. Not too much but enough for me for the moment. When I do leave my computer goes with me so I can keep in touch with you all.

I know you don't feel strong right now, you're under alot of stress, but you just keep puting one foot in front of the other and you will gain that feeling of strength back. You're in my thoughts and prayers today...and always. Keep us posted, start to worry when I don't hear from ya!!;)

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie:)

Thank you Tammie for noticing when I'm here and when I'm not.
You are a great friend!
Hugs,
2many

You're not too bad at being a friend yourself!;)

Do something nice for yourself today, okay?


On the lookout,
Tammie:p

(((2many)))
I am so sorry about your grandma, that just breaks my heart. I know what you mean about the panic attacks..I think when we are under alot of stress, it is hard for us to remember to relax..I hope that you remember to take care of you some each day..remember that what you are going through is traumatic to you and your kids, let yourself take care of you. thank you for all that you do, these boards are as needed for me as they are for you.

Love in spirit
Sky

2 Many -

I have been feeling anxious for you as well and was awfully glad to see you here today. You have received so much wonderful advice. Please take it and take care off yourself and those kids. You are all that they can depend on. With what you are going through it must be almost impossible to make decisions so please, please, please, listen to the advice of all the people here that really care about what happens to you and have been there themselves. Keep letting us know that you are OK.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jo

it is as bad as you think
 

My A would wake me up during the middle of the night, never made threats, but being alone in the middle of the night, woken from a peaceful sleep, was frightening in itself.

Of course, the next day, he would return to mister respectability, and wonder why I was all uptight and in a fuss.

All the nuttiness with these people happens when we're alone with them -- which compounds our mental stress. First we have to endure the problem, then the added strain of convincing him (and his supporters) that it REALLY DID HAPPEN.

Respect yourself and get away from him. This is NOT going to magically get better. You have to do something to make it get better -- and taking care of yourself is the first step.

I kept waiting for "SOMEONE" to help me out of my fix.... finally one day, I realized that I was the only "SOMEONE" who could help me.

NORMAL, HEALTHY people do not continue to live like this.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed. Just get out of his zone of influence and don't look back.

2many,

Alot of us have all been scared at one time or another and understand how you are feeling. I have been working alot lately and read your post today for the first time. I am so sorry for what you are going through! I am praying for you and your kids that you will find a safe place very soon. You are important and your husband is very sick!! He would not even remember if he harmed you. Please be safe before it is to late.

many hugs,
matters

((((((((((((((((((2many))))))))))))))))))
 

I am so glad to see you back on here...been praying for you and your childern....

2 many there is family by birth and then there is family of the heart......That's the family I see here on this board......As a Grandmother I can tell you you are not alone.....I believe your Grand mother is cheering for you right now....If you'd like a substitute Grandmother just say so Dear Heart there are lots of us around who are listening...

God's blessings.....Still praying for you and yours....