Hey Lily,
my affections for my xabf are what kept me going back to him. We would be apart for a while then I would see him and all of the feelings and attraction came flooding back, impairing my better judgment to stay away. He would be on his best behavior....but it didn't take long for his nasty behavior to come back. We did that over and over and over again. I know how you feel.

I had to stay away long enough to get over the affections and allow the reality of how he acted to set in. If you spend enough time around people who treat you well (and most of the population would treat you better than he has) then you will remember all the reasons why you deserve more than this.

Really, what I mentioned in the previous paragraph is so true Lily. Once I spent enough time away from him and around others, it strengthened me so much and allowed me to eventually forgive him for how he acted. I learned compassion without becoming entangled in his disease once again.

Have you ever made a list of dealbreakers?

I had forgotten about that (though I don't know how). That one really takes the cake. And it's a good illustration on the great lengths that alcoholics will go to manipulate their partners. Thanks for the reminder.

Maybe it would help to get clear on exactly what is acceptable (or, more importantly, unacceptable) to you. Someone asked if you had made a list of dealbreakers. If you are really clear about what you want/don't want, it will be more difficult for him to manipulate you.

Example: Do you have a problem with his drinking, or a problem with his not attending AA?

He seems to think that attending AA will appease you. And you seem to be leaning toward accepting that as some illusive indication of "progress."

As already pointed out, the manipulation will likely get more intense. If you are clear in your mind, you will be able to see it for what it is.

Sending you positive thoughts,
L

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your words of wisdom and experience. I feel less confused as time goes on. Its not easy, I keep getting pangs of hurt and I feel like I just want to sit and cry, but I'm keeping my tears at bay by forcing myself to remember why i am doing this. I must be really delusioned to love a person who may have stolen from me, and who has emotionally and verbally abused me. Its just that each time I think these thoughts, I also think that this was due to the drinking, which leads me back to if he recovers from this..... However, I know now that he isn't recovering at this time and that I cannot live with him anymore because of the never ending circle of stopping, starting, being horrid, stopping, starting... That was draining me and hurt so much that I know for my own sake I cannot go down that path with him anymore.

I can see now that he hasn't really made any progress, and I have decided that going to AA meetings alone isn't recovery. Looking back I don't know why I thought it was!

Nope, never. Just tried to think of some, and nothing came to mind, how bad is that!!! I'm going to start one though because I am adamant that I am going to make some changes about myself and how I respect myself.

My dealbreakers...
1) Stealing
2) Cheating
3) Lying

Well thats a start. I'd be interested to know other peoples breakers for ideas?

Thanks again to you all for helping me through another bump on my road!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I notice a very large hole in your list. Is continued active alcoholism a deal breaker for you?

Yes! Thanks that can be number four! Why aren't I thinking of these things myself? Its like I'm asking my brain to think of things and its coming up a blank. Do you suppose its because I've never even considered these things before? I guess also my self respect must be quite low because looking at my list, there isn't much you can do to cheese me off completely.

Lily xxxxxxxxx

Its a process Lilyflower. One that takes time and willingness to look deeply into our lives and our inner selves. Its painful and difficult. But you are working on it and that is the important part. If you happen to receive some further insights thru what you see here, well, isn't that why we're here to begin with?

Thanks Barbara, i feel good about considering these things. I'm obviously starting to move into a whole new direction for me, which can only be a good thing! Its helped to see other people's ideas, I read things that people have stated they would not accept and I think ''I wonder why I never considered that?'' It's definately a positive step for me.

Lily xxxxxxxx